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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can't cope.

31 replies

threeblueducks · 08/02/2014 01:51

Dp has just flown into a rage and headbutted a photo hanging on the wall. Glass everywhere. Disorientated himself. He says he is ok and doesn't need a Dr but has just admitted to me he's been on anti depressants for 6 weeks.. I had no idea.
I work 12 hour days, he works 10 including travel time and we have a ds aged 2. We have great weeks and then every so often something like this happens- last time he cut his wrist with scissors that I pulled from him, cutting my hand to bits in the process.
He's only ever gone for me once, pinning me to the sofa by he throat momentarily before I was able to scream at him enough to get him to stop.

It's like he enters a trance and can't help it- its terrifying.
He was sexually abused by his brother and mother when he was small, and his father and step family cut all ties with us when we had our son (another story for another day.. they didn't think I was the right one for him ultimately).
I'm at my wits end. I've been on anti ds myself since my son was born and recently was allowed to move to a lower dosage as I'm making steady progress.
I'm always wondering what happens next and scared in case things get broken or he hurts himself. I think we may be making each other ill.
I don't know where to turn so any guidance would be appreciated.

OP posts:

brightnearly · 08/02/2014 02:08

I have no good advice, hopefully someone wiser will come along shortly - but am awake and listening. It sounds as if both of you are stretched till breaking point, and your DH seems to need professional help. Are you stuck in the rat race or is there any possibility of cutting down on working hours?

redrubyindigo · 08/02/2014 02:10

Ok compartmentalise.

Your relationship
His past
His mental health
Your mental health
Work
Your child

Put this in order of priority.

redrubyindigo · 08/02/2014 02:11

I mean in your terms of priority.

horsetowater · 08/02/2014 02:14

Why did you get involved with a man with such a traumatic history - did he tell you about it before you had your son?

Original poster

threeblueducks · 08/02/2014 02:23

Yes we have been together 8 years. I knew about his past and didn't deem it a reason not to be with him. Until about 6 months ago he was just a lovely normal guy who was looking to shape a better future.
He still maintains our son must be sheltered from any dysfunction- he wants him to have a wonderful childhood like me and my sisters had. Very nuclear. Very safe.

OP posts:

horsetowater · 08/02/2014 02:28

It sounds as though he just can't do that - keep you all safe and nuclear. His childhood trauma will be replaying itself now that he has a child. This is a common thing to happen. It will be messing with his head big time. Can you talk to a counsellor and agree some kind of strategy?

I would see a situation where you both agree that if he behaves badly you will leave and go elsewhere with the child for however long it takes him to recover. I don't know your situation well enough and it might not work - you certainly shouldn't do anything without advice from a professional.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 08/02/2014 02:31

I think it's having your son that has triggered this in him - it's brought old memories to the fore and loving a child of his own and having such a natural urge to protect him it has made it harder to understand and deal with his abuse. I think you should go to the GP with him and ask for some urgent counselling. If he is violent again (either to you, or to himself) then he must understand that it is in the best interests of your son for him to move out temporarily while he gets the help he needs.

redrubyindigo · 08/02/2014 02:32

How do you both plan to protect your son from any dysfunction?

tallwivglasses · 08/02/2014 03:06

Tell us about the good times?

FabULouse · 08/02/2014 04:32

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Offred · 08/02/2014 09:33

Agree with fabulouse.

Other posters are encouraging you to look at why he is abusing you and accommodate it. This is ridiculous.

Abuse commonly begins in pregnancy, especially when the abuser has issues from his/her own childhood.

Abusers who strangle are highly dangerous. Strangling in combination with sexual abuse is correlated with higher murder rates. When he is hurting himself and breaking things that is abuse too.

Now, there is a common perception that an abuser is a horrible thoroughly evil and sadistic person. This is generally not true and it can be hard for victims of abuse who have got into a mindset of "he's had a terrible time I need to help him, he used to be so lovely, we can get back to that" to escape abuse.

The reality is that most abusers were terribly abused themselves I'm sure, when the abuse starts to be directed towards you there is no going back. Yes, he is your lovely partner that you remember but he is ALSO the man who strangled you and headbutted that picture.

You cannot fix him. Only he can fix himself and it is dangerous for you to gamble yourself and your child on trying.

I'm sure you are all under severe stress but when someone strangles you or brings violence into the home the only thing to do is split up. There is no going back from that and it doesn't matter why it happened. There are always reasons you can find but not everyone abused in childhood strangles/abuses their partner. You need to recognise he is choosing to deal with it this way.

Could you call women's aid on 0808 2000 247?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 08/02/2014 09:38

You need to keep yourself and your son safe. This would be best achieved if he left, he isn't stable enough to be around you and your son.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 08/02/2014 09:41

I have to agree with fabulouse as well. If he is just suddenly becoming violent, he is a huge risk to both you and especially your son. You cannot deal with this yourself. He needs professional help.

What if the next time he goes after your son? And don't say it won't happen, because it can.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 08/02/2014 09:44

If he is saying the DC needs to be protected from the 'dysfunction' so that means he is aware there is dysfunction at least and yet he carries on behaving in this way. Am I right to think that in part at least, he is therefore choosing this behaviour rather than it being part of an illness?
I think you are in a very dangerous situation. If the pinning you down incident had been mixed with the scissors incident, the outcome may be that you would not be around to post on MN. I think you have to do something really radical as soon as possible to get him some help that involves you not being in the same domestic space.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 08/02/2014 09:45

pictish · 08/02/2014 09:45

He headbutted a photo on the wall??
This man has problems OP, and I'm sorry but I do not think you are equipped to stand by him. No one is.

He has throttled you as well - how dangerous.

You say it's like he can't help it? Let me enlighten you on that...yes he can. He chooses to do these things. In fact, owing to his past, he thinks he's got every right to bully and abuse you.
He certainly does not have that right.

You can't fix him by standing by, as he behaves likes a raging idiot. His behaviour is inexcusable.

He should leave - he is not in a fit state to be in your home and around your child.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 08/02/2014 09:45

Sorry hit it twice! :(

Offred · 08/02/2014 09:50

Yes, if it is really true that he can't help it and has no control over it he will hurt your child. If he is able to avoid doing things to your child that shows he is making a choice to do it to/around you.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 08/02/2014 11:40

How are things this morning?

Original poster

threeblueducks · 08/02/2014 14:41

I have taken my son to my parents house where we will now be staying for a little while. I spoke to him this morning and he told me to drop it and that I am causing his depression by having these difficult conversations. Hence I packed a bag and left.
I have told him to look at getting himself somewhere to move to pretty sharpish as I actually own our home outright, but for the time being mum and dad are happy to help and ds is thrilled to be here.
I feel like it was a bit too easy...

OP posts:

wontletmesignin · 08/02/2014 14:49

Oh he is an abusive fw. Kick him out, get your locks changed, inform the police and do not have any contact at all with him. Even stop contact with your ds!

wontletmesignin · 08/02/2014 14:50

You are not causing his depression at all!

FabULouse · 08/02/2014 14:54

This reply has been deleted

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AnyFucker · 08/02/2014 14:56

It is imperative you end this relationship before he kills you. I am not exaggerating.

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/02/2014 15:13

Op I've seen this before and he is unravelling mentally it's more than likely his past is catching up with him . What ever mental barriers he employed to cope are no longer working for him and he could be edging towards a psychotic break.

This could be dangerous for all concerned he really needs to be assessed by a local mental health team, and you have done the right thing getting out for the time being.

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