Where to start!? (My wife and I).

[diagnostic]

Hi everyone. Long time lurker first time poster (I think). I'm a house husband who needs some advice, really. Obviously, as a dude I am expecting at least a little bit of flack, but as long as it's basically constructive, it's all good!

My wife is wonderful. I love her very much and still fancy her very much. We have two boys; one of 12 and one of 2 (the age gap was my fault, lol). Anyway, I would say I am the communicator in the relationship, which makes things difficult sometimes.

Until about a year ago, I worked in a warehouse bringing home enough money to help keep a roof over our head and pay the bills, but it was certainly not a 'career'. The plan was for me to leave and look after the kids and the house, and for her to pursue midwifery, which seemed like a calling. A far better career destiny than mine! So that's what I did, and although it can be a little isolating, I like spending time with the little'un and quite enjoy housework.

My wife tells me she loves me all the time and we cuddle a lot. But there's something in me, some insecurity that will suddenly make me dread her leaving me. And I guess I'm a bit of a control freak, who wishes you could make someone never leave you, but all I can do is try to be a good husband.

We were both virgins when we got together. I had no shortage of female interest in school, but I think I was just...a bit scared of women or something (cringe, lol). I think because of our start, we kind of both link sex and love together, which I'm not sure is good or bad?

In our past my wife has left me briefly twice. The first time was aaaaages ago (before we had our first child) I think it was to do with her sister breaking up with her husband and my wife panicking and experiencing a sort of 'early mid-life crisis'. I can only assume this because however gently I have ever approached the subject she can't talk about it.

I responded, at the time, by tracking down a local nightclub that she was frequenting, pulling an attractive women in front of her, and the next day she came back home. (By all means really put the boot in here, but I was following an impulse telling me what to do to get her back and it seemed to work in the short term). I'm sure it was a horrific thing to do (maybe she wasn't ready to come back) but she actually admitted years after that it did make her want to be with me again.

The second time was more recently (about 3 years ago) and was because she wanted another child and I was dragging my feet. She said that unless I gave her another child it was all over. This time I did not cry over her, and despite everyone (mates, parents, etc) telling me to just 'give her a baby, it's what ya have to do' I did not cave. I thought I should want the baby too, before committing to it. I held out and she stayed. Later on, I decided I was happy to have another baby, and we did.

I am no angel. A long, long time ago I kissed someone else, mostly due to my ego rather than any urge to have a full blown extra-marital affair. I sincerely apologised to her and she genuinely forgave me. As I have gotten older I have become much more trustworthy since I realised the indiscretion was due to my low self-esteem, which improved vastly when I started going to the gym and learning to like myself. My wife is a tiny bit overweight, but I don't care or really notice it. In face I love her sexy little post-baby belly! However, it does impact her self-esteem, so sometimes it would probably be good for her to lose weight. To be fair she has lost half a stone recently, on the Paleo diet. Good on her, imo.

I feel that I have pros and cons as a husband. I quite rightly do all the housework (it's my job) and she's glad because she hated it, lol. I am improving daily as a cook and play constructively with the little one. I am in better shape than most of my mates. I do resistance training and can lift and push more than my own weight. I'd like to think I would put my life on the line for her. My wife and I have similar intelligence levels and share similar philosophies and ideologies.

However, my flaws are usually related to procrastination, over-active sex drive, maybe my lack of vocational motivation?

What do you think? Should I be prepared for her to do the off, lol!? Is there anyway you can prepare for that when you really love the person and need them?

Yikes.

I source friends and socialization externally

That's a strange thing to write, on so many levels.

There is an old MN saying - when a man tells you what he is like, listen. But nobody seems to be listening to this OP

Why's that a strange thing to say firekraken?

Ok. Not strange at all. [yawn]

I think MN now kowtows to men who post here. Why can't they just fuckity off and discuss their issues with their outsourced externalised mates?

I don't feel one iota obliged to somehow pacify or give advice to a poster like this one.

Sorry. Just my opinion. But for me, he is trampling on my turf - and possibly the turf of the wife he admits to control.

Library books being returned my arse.

I don't think this about you lacking power and being insecure, I think there is a big problem at the heart of your relationship in that you don't trust her and she isn't happy with you (or why did she leave twice).

The thing about being a SAHD is a red herring. Sure you can end up feeling trapped but you're not particularly, you sound quite pleased not to be working in a warehouse. And you know that if you wanted to work you could and get the 15 hours free childcare etc to make it happen.

Perhaps if you laid out a leaving scenario for her, if she wants to separate how would you work it out? Who would have main contact with the children? This is often a key reason why WOHMs with SAHDs don't walk away. Ask her what she really wants deep down in her heart and you could do the same thing.

There is no point in staying together if there's no trust. It's has to be at the heart of any relationship and lack of it is a symptom of a deeper problem.

Wow.

Been thinking about this, and I'm sticking on the 10 years. That is an awfully long time. You are also quite judgemental about her reasons - 'to fill a hole'/'hell-for-leather' into her career. I suppose we could say that having a baby is filling a hole... but it's a natural, and powerful, instinct for a lot of us. that para about filling a hole/hell-for-leather sounds like you're policing her, that she's a bit flakey and needs managing.

I'm also wondering if she rolls her eyes because of your style of 'discussing'.

Anyway, like I said, no point looking for trouble. Plus impossible to get the full nuances of a relationship from a written account (one side) on the internet.

Cloud (? previous page): I think if we're afraid of something it's good to look it in the eye. It's the not looking that feeds the fear, not the looking (imo).

Firekraken - Well, being accused of kowtowing to male posters is a new one for me.

Personally I think you have an agenda, you say you hate when men come here and I think you are reading stuff into the post.

I'm genuinely baffled about why saying you outsource and externalise mates is such a crime. It's a strange turn of phrase but I think actually a great idea, if I've got his meaning, too often when you're the SAHP you end up with friends you've selected from a group of SAHP who are usually parents of your children's friends. I think it is much better to have a life outside SAHPing and having friends outside this seems like a good plan to me.

I'm a control freak too, I don't think I'd get hung out to dry on MN for saying it though and I'm certainly not controlling towards my partners. I think SAHPing makes control freakery a bit worse.

Obviously insecurity can lead to controlling behaviour but I don't see any need to be so accusatory because I can't really see anything else indicating that in the post, the right advice is to go to counselling.

There is no indication his wife comes here. You can't jump to that conclusion about every man, there are some really great (and other not so great but regular) regular male contributors on here.

The rest of your post sounds completely tenuous. He is entitled because he hasn't got mn lingo on his first post? Wow!

Why should he have had another baby when he didn't want to? He knows how he behaved with the ow when his wife left was wrong and I don't see him making excuses for his behaviour. You are making excuses for her though, it doesn't matter what manner someone uses, rolling your eyes at them is horrible, goady and disrespectful.

I mean come on he recognises and states he is not trying to control her when he says "all I can do is try and be a good husband".

That bit of the post really made me sad for him because that's a horrible way to feel in any LTR.

I think none of us can know what is really going on, we are just trying to advise. I read the post several times, and yes, some of the phrasing did give me pause. But I think the difference between the OP and a completely entitled plonker is that OP is recognising some of the dangers of his behaviour and looking for advice on how to be within the situation as it is now.

I think there is a danger here that his insecurity can lead to controlling behaviour and make the situation worse, but agree that the advice is single or couples counselling, even if that ends up with a parting of the ways. My personal view would be counselling or coaching for himself first.

The baby thing is a perennial issue, and I think there is a point that what is a strong biological urge in a woman can be exploited by a man, to keep her hanging/in a relationship with him, whilst not giving her what she wants. Equally, babies should have two committed parents. I do wonder if the root of the issue is that the baby can no longer be used as a hook, so he is worried that there is nothing else keeping her. In which case, go back to the point about insecurity = potential for controlling behaviour and unhappiness and address that.

But as the OP has not posted again, we can speculate till kingdom come.

springy, I'm really tired so I have lost the thread of the fear discussion. Your last statement makes a lot of sense, though, so we probably agree. I think that is what I meant by saying accepting it as a possibility?

@Firekraken.

Maybe you're right. This place is only for women, I get it, I'll sign off. And I'm sorry for not observing the correct acronym protocol.

I have a strange turn of phrase sometimes...wavering between academic syntax and flowery language. Sorry.

@Everyone else - thank you so much for all your help, advice and constructive criticism. It has helped me. In fact, the wife (DW?) and I, had a bit of a chat about things yesterday night that was very positive.

Cheers.

Don't go! It's natural for someone to read/hear something and their own stuff colours the way they see it - as you probably know it's called projecting and we all do it; in fact you need a lot of training to not do it eg counsellors.

Glad to hear you've made some positive steps together though. That's great.

Don't let that comment put you off Op

My gut is with Firekraken. The signing off at the first non-supportive post doesn't sit well with me either. I for sure wouldn't want to be with someone who says he wishes he controlled his wife, lol or not.

I know, something of an overreaction there.

OP - mumsnet isn't only for women, but you have to accept posts on your thread with your mumsnet glasses on. They filter and screen out the people with personal agendas and people that are projecting.

So when someone makes a massive judgement without asking you any questions or showing any doubt that they might not have the answer, you won't see them with your mumsnet glasses.

Good luck

We're not called vipers for nothing OP. You did well to get to 3 pages without some ascerbic comments.

I personally don't think it's an overreaction - this place takes some getting used to! re a pp picking up, in a negative light, that OP didn't use DW when referring to his wife. Dear me, not everyone on the planet knows what DW means.

Very supportive.

I agree red flags

• mentioning the wife is over weight
• mentioning how attractive he was too others and hat he could easily pull 'elsewere'
• controlling when another baby happened (rather than discussing)
• tracking her down when she left
• deciding she needed a career so he could be a sand
• wanting to discuss her leaving over 12 years ago when she has clearly moved on

I just don't like the way the op seems to talk about his DW and think hes trying to control her by getting us to second guess her thoughts and whether she might leave or not

Sahm not sand

Right, I didn’t want to post again, but it looks like I owe people an explanation for my sudden exit.

I suddenly got the overwhelming feeling that I had violated the DW’s trust by going behind her back and posting on here. She doesn’t post here She would be mortified if she found out, and obviously I felt the longer I posted the deeper I was going to get.

While I’m here, please stop focusing on her weight. I only mentioned she was a tiny bit overweight to illustrate that that was absolutely fine with me! To me she is perfect!

I never said that I was attractive to others??! WHAT??

I never ‘controlled’ when the next baby happened (how dare I have a say over my sperm). It was a mutual decision after a lot of long discussions.

Tracking her down? This is a small town and I wanted her back! Sue me.

The career was her idea! Arghhhh

I wanted to discuss her leaving me. Yes. This is wrong, why?

I honestly won’t be coming back this time, so flame and troll away.

Thanks to those who have been reasonable and those who have messaged me.

@Firekraken. I wish you the best.

Yup.

Red flags, right there, in that post.

What 'sudden exit' ? I hadn't noticed.

How do you know the MN terms 'flame' and 'troll' if you are such a newbie?

And how do you know that your wife doesn't use MN?

Goodbye.