Where to start!? (My wife and I).

[diagnostic]

Hi everyone. Long time lurker first time poster (I think). I'm a house husband who needs some advice, really. Obviously, as a dude I am expecting at least a little bit of flack, but as long as it's basically constructive, it's all good!

My wife is wonderful. I love her very much and still fancy her very much. We have two boys; one of 12 and one of 2 (the age gap was my fault, lol). Anyway, I would say I am the communicator in the relationship, which makes things difficult sometimes.

Until about a year ago, I worked in a warehouse bringing home enough money to help keep a roof over our head and pay the bills, but it was certainly not a 'career'. The plan was for me to leave and look after the kids and the house, and for her to pursue midwifery, which seemed like a calling. A far better career destiny than mine! So that's what I did, and although it can be a little isolating, I like spending time with the little'un and quite enjoy housework.

My wife tells me she loves me all the time and we cuddle a lot. But there's something in me, some insecurity that will suddenly make me dread her leaving me. And I guess I'm a bit of a control freak, who wishes you could make someone never leave you, but all I can do is try to be a good husband.

We were both virgins when we got together. I had no shortage of female interest in school, but I think I was just...a bit scared of women or something (cringe, lol). I think because of our start, we kind of both link sex and love together, which I'm not sure is good or bad?

In our past my wife has left me briefly twice. The first time was aaaaages ago (before we had our first child) I think it was to do with her sister breaking up with her husband and my wife panicking and experiencing a sort of 'early mid-life crisis'. I can only assume this because however gently I have ever approached the subject she can't talk about it.

I responded, at the time, by tracking down a local nightclub that she was frequenting, pulling an attractive women in front of her, and the next day she came back home. (By all means really put the boot in here, but I was following an impulse telling me what to do to get her back and it seemed to work in the short term). I'm sure it was a horrific thing to do (maybe she wasn't ready to come back) but she actually admitted years after that it did make her want to be with me again.

The second time was more recently (about 3 years ago) and was because she wanted another child and I was dragging my feet. She said that unless I gave her another child it was all over. This time I did not cry over her, and despite everyone (mates, parents, etc) telling me to just 'give her a baby, it's what ya have to do' I did not cave. I thought I should want the baby too, before committing to it. I held out and she stayed. Later on, I decided I was happy to have another baby, and we did.

I am no angel. A long, long time ago I kissed someone else, mostly due to my ego rather than any urge to have a full blown extra-marital affair. I sincerely apologised to her and she genuinely forgave me. As I have gotten older I have become much more trustworthy since I realised the indiscretion was due to my low self-esteem, which improved vastly when I started going to the gym and learning to like myself. My wife is a tiny bit overweight, but I don't care or really notice it. In face I love her sexy little post-baby belly! However, it does impact her self-esteem, so sometimes it would probably be good for her to lose weight. To be fair she has lost half a stone recently, on the Paleo diet. Good on her, imo.

I feel that I have pros and cons as a husband. I quite rightly do all the housework (it's my job) and she's glad because she hated it, lol. I am improving daily as a cook and play constructively with the little one. I am in better shape than most of my mates. I do resistance training and can lift and push more than my own weight. I'd like to think I would put my life on the line for her. My wife and I have similar intelligence levels and share similar philosophies and ideologies.

However, my flaws are usually related to procrastination, over-active sex drive, maybe my lack of vocational motivation?

What do you think? Should I be prepared for her to do the off, lol!? Is there anyway you can prepare for that when you really love the person and need them?

Yikes.

I think you've been very honest here which is to your credit. I also agree your relationship does sound quite normal and not particularly bad given how you got together, where things have gone wrong it seems you have some understanding of what has happened and take responsibility for your mistakes which is really a very good thing.

I suspect your wife being bad at communicating is what is behind your insecurity. You need to explore that issue a bit by finding out what is making you insecure and maybe work on getting your wife to learn how to communicate better - this is really quite important insecurity aside. What about couples counselling?

I fully support your view that you should not have given her a baby when you didn't want one btw. It may have broken you up but it didn't. She may have some issues relating to it though.

Springy, I kind of meant a control freak around little things (getting library books back on time etc). Not controlling her! I wish, lol.

No, you surely don't, not even qualified by a lol. I left a controlling relationship, it was hell and did a lot of damage.

I am fairly sure my ex would have said that I was bad at commuicating, but he meant I was not doing what he wanted.

Back to the point, I was thinking about this, and I think if you have nagging insecurities, which are down to a lack of communication, then it is probably better to address them now than getting into a cycle whereby you get more insecure and needy and she pushes you more away because it is suffocating. Are the issues something you just need to get off your chest or do you think, as Offred says, couples counselling would be helpful?

If I'm honest, I don't think it's quite serious enough for that yet. I must admit, this thread has been more helpful than I expected it might! I think it's helped me realise my insecurity is mostly down to the fact that she seems to have more power than me (cringe) inasmuch as she has been able to walk away, and I have no hand to play, in a cold manner of speaking. It really does take the wind out of your sails, having that at the back of your mind.

If I ever gauge this issue, it doesn't matter what mood she's in, she only ever rolls her eyes etc. As if I'm judging her or holding a grudge about it. I'm not! I just hunger for answers. It's obvious I'm a little codependent.

Suprised no one's told me to 'man up' yet??! Well. Guess there's still time

Wait; this:

Clouddancer "...getting into a cycle whereby you get more insecure and needy and she pushes you more away because it is suffocating."

Worries me the most. Are there any practical ways to guard against this?

Getting counselling for yourself or together before things get bad TBH!

It is very common for people to think they need to be in a real crisis before they seek help but this often makes things worse and things are often much easier to sort out if people go at the first indication rather than when it is already causing big problems.

You can often get counselling through your local children's centre if you have little ones you know? Do you have one near you that provides this service?

What you describe is not an uncommon way to feel but it does eat you up if you don't do anything about it.

Not sure why you mentioned she was a little overweight....what does that matter?

You should reread that whole part, it will show the context and that It doesn't bother me one bit. It seems to bother her.

Couples counselling before things get really sticky - agree. You wouldn't wait for eg your back to get bad before you sought treatment, you'd get along to an osteopath etc if it was playing up even a bit.

You could do a marriage course - might be less intense than f2f talking (counselling)? Lots about. I know that churches do them, though I don't think the courses there are particuarly religious.

So it sounds like you're feeing vulnerable because you have no - or feel you have no - angle, that she holds all the cards. Well, welcome to being in a committed relationship - it's frightening, one is left wide open on a crucial level. That's the name of the game, though. A bit like loving your kids, you have to live with the fear that something could happen to them out of your control.

btw what do you mean when you say 'codependent'? My understanding of codependence is the opposite of what you're describing it as - codependence is addicted to living through another person (often an addict of some kind ie someone so-say needy); whereas you're feeling uncomfortable that you're living - or feel you're living - in her shadow.

I can see that because she has left you twice, you are feeling that the relationship is like a cardboard box with a wet botton: liable to go at any time. Plus she doesn't talk to you so you have no way of reading her or how things are going. I can see that that could contribute towards you feeling insecure, not knowing where you're at.

Apols for thrice posting.

4!

The 'man up' is coming from you! It's obviously making you feel crap though, that you're not 'man' enough, on the back foot sort of thing. Perhaps get some counseling for yourself? Have you been left before btw? As a kid? Did you feel secure with your parents/at home?

I think the codependent is being reliant on her for your own emotional wellbeing. Also, the thing you say about her having the power, do you really feel that? because she is reliant on you for looking after the domestic stuff, so it should be a balance. But ime, when you start talking about power, it is because you feel there is an imbalance.

I think to the point about stopping the needy cycle, agree counselling, but also building up your own life. The being left twice is an issue, because you know she could do it again. On the other hand, what do her day to day actions tell you about her feelings now? That is what matters.

Sorry to split hairs and flood the thread that, though I get that we are generally responsible for our own emotional wellbeing, in a relationship we are reliant, to a point, on our partner for our emotional wellbeing. As in if they left we'd be plummetted into intense emotional pain.

We all know that domestic stuff isn't valued. As much as it should be, it isn't. I'm wondering, OP, if you're battling the SAH shit that an awful lot of SAHP (usually mothers) feel: bottom of the pile, repetitive tasks, no pay, no appraisals, invisible.. don't mean to depress you lol! I knew a bloke who was the SAHP and he lost his marbles - there was underlying stuff but it pushed him over the edge [and who of us doesn't have 'underlying stuff'??]. I thought well there you go, this is what a lot of women battle with (not that I was heartless about it).

Not being 'out there' is a challenge imo.

You do sound lacking in confidence but wanting to cover it up with 'lols' and s. You sound like a kind partner underneath who wants the marriage to work. The answer is often building your own self confidence, maybe thinking about your career and where you want to go work wise as your children grow up. It's easy to simply say you have "no motivational vocation", but maybe you should really force yourself to think about this issue. Go for careers advice and look into getting qualifications?

It might be very painful if one's partner leaves, but we cannot stop them from going, and we can't hold them with us, we can only deal with the pain.

I don't think the OP's marriage is at that stage, though, and there is plenty of good advice here for him to start to find himself a bit more.

We can't stop them, of course, but we can be afraid of it. Especially if it's happened twice already.

You say she doesn't want to talk about things directly, what about indirectly e.g. If you talk about the future (even just things like where you might wanna go on holiday, what you're looking forward to doing with your children/when they're older/when you're retired!) - might be a way of dealing more secure cos she obviously plans to stay with you, without forcing her to have a serious chat about it??

Does she tell you she loves you/appreciates you?

I bet you just have a normal sex drive - I think men often have a higher sex drive, or feel in the mood more often cos of being able to switch off from stuff or not always needing to link it to emotions??

Agreed, but I think the better response is to accept it as a possibility, and work on improving communication in the here and now, and building his own self-esteem in some of the ways suggested on here, rather than letting the doubt and insecurity grow.

It is clear that his wife does not want to talk about what happened. Maybe she is embarrassed or feels bad; maybe she wants him to feel insecure; maybe because she did the leaving, she doesn't get his pain. Or maybe it is painful to her too that it came to that. We don't know. Maybe OP will never know. But I think there is a lot he does know about his marriage and himself, and that is what he can work with.

The agreed in my post was to springy, sorry, am tired and being slow

Am I the only one who sees large red flags in this op?

I think it pretty awful that your wife threatened to leave you if you wouldn't have another child . I also find it odd that she won't talk about the period of time where she left briefly.

I don't think it's ok for her to roll her eyes when you want to talk about these things, it's quite dismissive of her . She doesn't sound like she communicates well with you . I'm also a bit concerned you refer to yourself as over sexed and dependant .

What does she do to show you she loves you? Tells you, does things for you? (note: these things may or may not make you feel loved). If you show her your love in a similar way to how she does, she may be more likely to get your message.

This can feel odd if it's not your natural style.

There are a number of websites which explore this idea - you could google. In my case, I feel more loved if brought a cup of tea than if bought flowers...

Co dependant