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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To stop seeing this man...(red flags?)

46 replies

HandN · 06/02/2014 06:18

I've namechanged, but only jigged a couple of letters around so you should be able recognise me.

I've not long left a crap relationship myself, I have 2 children. I have met someone else...

We met about a month ago, exchanged lots of texts, meet up usually every other day, have had sex a few times. When we're together I literally can't breathe, he gives me butterflies and I've had that with anyone before, here's where the problem lyes...

He only broke up with his ex a day before we met, he also has 2 young dc (obviously not a problem). Everytime we are together he gets call after call from his ex, usually abuse. He has his own place but he says ex won't let him have his dc so he goes to hers after work and stays the night everytime which I find bizarre, apparently she doesn't let him leave. He doesn't communicate with me while he's there. I've suggested he gets solicitor advice if she won't allow him to have his own dc out of her sight.

Anyway, the point is I'm feeling used, I don't really know where I stand with him, he says he wants me but I'm not so sure. I'm feeling like knocking the whole thing on the head before it gets any further. What do you think?

OP posts:
Extremewife · 06/02/2014 06:23

I think you are right trust your instinct

Lottapianos · 06/02/2014 06:25

Trust your gut feeling. Way too much hassle for such early stages IMO. I would just walk away now

TeeBee · 06/02/2014 06:25

I would tell him to give you a call when he has sorted his life out. All too much hassle too early on. She 'makes' him stay??? Right yeah.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 06/02/2014 06:28

I agree, tell him to call you when he's sorted his life out

LucyLocketX · 06/02/2014 06:29

Massive red flag! Sounds like he hasn't totally ended his relationship with her yet.

If you're feeling like he's using you it's because he is.

goshhhhhh · 06/02/2014 06:42

Are you sure they have actually split up?

Logg1e · 06/02/2014 07:27

Why did you do/explain this,

I've namechanged, but only jigged a couple of letters around so you should be able recognise me.

justdrankacappuccino · 06/02/2014 07:44

I think you know the answer, don't you?

1974rach · 06/02/2014 07:52

End it. Now.

He ended his previous relationship the day before he met you - Red Flag!

IME if you are feeling used then you probably are.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2014 07:55

Run. Far too much baggage and he is probably still sleeping with her.

You are the OW, sorry

minmooch · 06/02/2014 08:16

He is not available. Run far and fast.

You are not long out of a crap relationship? Be kind to yourself, enjoy being in your own. Re-establish your self esteem and raise that bar. Otherwise you fall into the same trap time and again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2014 09:02

The last thing you need only two months out of a crap relationship is yet another relationship and this one is also crap.

What is the longest period of time you have spent on your own without a man in your life?. Are you really that desperate to have a man because losers like this current bloke can smell that a mile off and will use and exploit such women who also have low self esteem and self worth to the full. This current man needs the boot, there is far too much baggage here and complications.

Love your own self for a change and work on you. I would also suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as it is designed for women who have been in abusive relationships.

I was wondering what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up because I think you learnt a lot of rubbish. You need to unlearn all the crap you have learnt about relationships to date otherwise you will just end up repeating the same old relationship errors over and over. You have children as well, what do you yourself want to teach them about relationships here?.

Original poster
HandN · 06/02/2014 12:49

Attila, you are spot on!

To try and answer some questions, I told you about my name change because under my usual name I have written a lot about past relationships.

You are right, I do need to figure myself out, I haven't really ever been on my own! This is the first time I've spotted red flags myself so early on, tbh I'm almost sort of proud of myself in a odd way.

I will be leaving this idiot well alone, thank you all for your advice, I do think my gut instinct is right here :)

OP posts:
Jan45 · 06/02/2014 13:01

I would guess he's still having a relationship with her, why else is he staying over, every chance they are still sexual with each other.

Seriously, you are worth so much more than this, tell him to get in touch when he is actually single.

Dahlen · 06/02/2014 13:13

God yes, stop seeing him.

Even if he is actually split up from her (and like everyone else, I doubt it), he clearly hasn't even begun to sort out the mess that's created and therefore isn't remotely well placed to begin another relationship.

You can do so much better, probably by being alone for a while.

Rightallalong · 06/02/2014 14:07

This could be my Ex. He's lying to you. He's not removed himself from the family unit yet so yes, keep your distance.

He's not in the right place to start a new relationship is he? A good man would separate properly with no one else involved and sort out his shit before even looking at another woman.

He could well be having sex with his ex too. Mine has been with me.

BuzzardBird · 06/02/2014 14:13

I had someone who played me along with this story for a month or so until I realised they hadn't actually split at all. He had his own flat too, convenient that for extra marital shannigans.

Granville72 · 06/02/2014 14:29

End it and both of you have some breathing space.

Don't shut the door completely, but say to him that when he's in a better place (and you for that matter) and he's baggage free from his ex then maybe you could meet for a coffee and see if you'd both like to try again.

But definitely cool it off until you can be sure it's over with her and he's ready to start a proper relationship

AskBasil · 06/02/2014 14:34

HandN, well done on spotting this bloke so early on.

Don't spend any more of your valuable time on him.

Onwards and upwards.

Original poster
HandN · 07/02/2014 09:30

I saw him last night, said what I wanted to say, he said he's happy to wait until all his stuff is sorted.... odd! He then went on to show me texts between him and his ex.

Bit weird! But I have now removed myself from the situation :)

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/02/2014 09:53

Self preservation, good for you and the right thing to do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2014 10:01

HandN

Re your response to me:-
"You are right, I do need to figure myself out, I haven't really ever been on my own! This is the first time I've spotted red flags myself so early on, tbh I'm almost sort of proud of myself in a odd way".

Good, this is indeed progress.

You have also removed yourself from this situation which is also good.

Love your own self for a change and work on you more through counselling to unlearn all the rubbish you have learnt to date. I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood as that could help you as well.

LilyBlossom14 · 07/02/2014 10:07

Good for you - you deserve so much better than being the OW

You can also do the Freedom Programme online for free - I found it invaluable.

Freedom Programme

Original poster
HandN · 07/02/2014 12:45

Thank you all :)

I will take a look at the freedom programme and will get 'woman who love too much' from amazon.

It's defiantly my time now.

OP posts:
Scarletohello · 07/02/2014 12:49

Good for you for recognising red flags, asking for an objective opinion and LTB!