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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this odd?

64 replies

tisrainingagain · 05/02/2014 01:16

Apologies for TMI. Basically and cutting to the chase, my h and I have, in the 18 years we have been together, never used any sex toys or aids. The other night however, halfway through DTD, I suddenly feel an elastic band around h's erm nether regions Blush. God knows where he whipped this out from as we never have any elastic bands in the house.

It's not the fact that he might want to use it which I find odd, but the not telling me anything about it. This brings up various issues for me. We never ever discuss sex and in general only communicate about superficial stuff (not my choice but h quite a difficult person who is very defensive).
So I said "what's that" to h who of course did not reply. Everything petered out after that as I felt odd on several levels.
What do you think. Is it strange for h to do this without talking to me about it?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2014 16:05

That's not really the point though is it Andy ?

OP's partner doesn't need educating about cock rings. He has identified the need for one, sourced it among a plethora of different options and used it during a mutual sex act with no discussion either proposed nor, it would seem allowed, after the event

That is not ok and I wouldn't shrug it off as commonplace
. I think it is neither normal nor healthy.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2014 16:06

Sorry about the crap comma placement there

Original poster
tisrainingagain · 05/02/2014 21:06

I agree with you AF. Not sure if we are repressed or shy or both. H's attitude is indicative of his attitude to me generally - he keeps me at arms length.
Thanks for all your posts everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
tisrainingagain · 05/02/2014 21:07

And he is also quite controlling and I think the withholding of real emotional intimacy is part of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
tisrainingagain · 05/02/2014 21:09

And his secrecy AngryAngry

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2014 21:12

That doesn't sound good.

Logg1e · 05/02/2014 21:14

Do you know what's more important than the elastic band? You and your husband's approach to communication.

How can you accept a man who won't discuss important things with you?

Original poster
tisrainingagain · 05/02/2014 21:17

Not overt secrecy but this kind of thing. I don't think he really feels the need to talk about anything of any importance with me. He has his life sewn up so that if I am there or not does not make a great deal of physical or emotional difference to him - apart from the fact that we have 3 dc and so if we were to split there would be fallout for him at that level.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2014 21:18

That doesn't like much of a relationship for you Sad

Logg1e · 05/02/2014 21:19

Why. Are. You. With. Him?

Original poster
tisrainingagain · 05/02/2014 21:20

Logg1e, I have considered separating many times but having the dc is probably what keeps both of us where we are.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2014 21:22

Why ? This is a terrible example of a relationship they are being given.

Logg1e · 05/02/2014 21:22

I mean this kindly OP, is that because this is the kind of partnership you want to model to them?

AwfulMaureen · 05/02/2014 21:24

It's a cock ring! Not an elastic band ffs. You need to begin to talk about sex op. How can you have decent sex when he can't even bring this up? How do you decide to do it? Do you ever have a laugh during it or anything?

Original poster
tisrainingagain · 05/02/2014 21:24

It's not the kind of relationship but I think I also suffer from not having work. The dc are now 7, 9 and 12 and I think I would feel a lot better if I was working. I could then reassess the situation from a less dependent vantage point.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 05/02/2014 21:26

So you feel financially dependent on him and staying with him?

Logg1e · 05/02/2014 21:27

Put it this way, if I could give you £40k would you stay with him?

Original poster
tisrainingagain · 05/02/2014 21:29

AwfulMaureen, there is a lot I would talk about but sadly h foes not. No we don't laugh during sex - I feel too shy, don't know about him. We make it clear in bed that we are up for a shag.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 05/02/2014 21:30

Oh tis this sounds a very empty kind of relationship.

AwfulMaureen · 05/02/2014 21:31

Oh you should definitely not feel shy in bed with your husband. Sad It's not on....you can't be relaxed and enjoy yourself properly if you're not discussing and talking a bit...not all the way through...but if my DH had decided to try out a cock ring, he'd either put it on and show me...possibly laugh about it...or he'd ask me what I thought about it before he got it.

I agree...you do need to evaluate.

Original poster
tisrainingagain · 05/02/2014 21:36

Well (this is going to sound greedy - I apologise in advance) - if you gave me a flat or house up the road and an amicable fair divorce with kids okay with trundling between two houses, then yes. Also if there was a way to bypass the terrible grief (as in sadness) I would have to go through. And the loss of time with my kids Sad.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 05/02/2014 21:41

Awful how is that helpful? The OP wants to be able to talk about things, it's her husband that doesn't.

Logg1e · 05/02/2014 21:42

flat or house up the road and an amicable fair divorce with kids okay with trundling between two houses sounds a reasonable expectation.

a way to bypass the terrible grief (as in sadness) I would have to go through. And the loss of time with my kids doesn't sound reasonable, and I suppose only you know if the current situation is any better. It doesn't sound it to me.

Original poster
tisrainingagain · 05/02/2014 21:43

Yes Awful, I totally understand what you are saying. I don't know if it is me who causes h not to talk. At the beginning of our relationship he was a lot more open - about sex as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
tisrainingagain · 05/02/2014 21:48

Maybe it's the combination of our two characters which doesn't work. Maybe I make him clam up.

OP posts:
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