Secretly save money without dh knowing?

[LibraryMum8]

Sorry this is going to be long. Over six months ago dh confessed to me that he had been looking at p*rn and had joined (though a local pop up add) a site where you could get a secret email where you could email, sext, etc. women in the area. He joined two months before he confessed. After a month of having his profile out there, a woman contacted him (also married) and they emailed, sexted, for a week or so. This was the only woman he had contact with.

We then went on vacation and "he was hoping that it would stop" but she contacted him again. He ended up "meeting" her at a local area about 11:00 pm one night. They started to fool around (touching) and then he left the car and told her he couldn't do it, he loved me, etc. That night he told me (I was asleep on the sofa when the said he "had to go get petrol" at 11:00 at night. I knew he wasn't gone long because he was home about 30 minutes later. The encounter lasted about 10 minutes.

That night he confessed, saying that our sex life had been extremely frustrating for him so he ended up looking at p*rn, and had with a severe lack of judgement signed up to this site. He was right about the sex... it had been disappointing for both of us for quite a while. I constantly brought it up, he never wanted to talk about it. And then of course it snowballs.

ANYway, after a few months of counseling, separately and together, many tears, we have rebuilt our relationship. (We have been married 13 years). I have forgiven him. BUT I never, ever, for any reason, want to ever feel so vulnerable again in this relationship. He knows, that only a spider web of thread kept me from leaving him after such trust and devestating news. So here is the issue. I am a SAHM. I have a small part time job but it really brings in no money. I am considering socking away money without his knowledge, in case some day we Would get divorced. We are in the states, where everything is 50/50. But he makes good money, and we all know how the woman can suffer so financially is a case such as this. He would Really be living the good life, and given my age (50) I would really be struggling raising ds on my own after giving up my career so many years ago.

Of course, I would still have to get a job. But even if I had 5K saved up, it would really help me in case I got into a jam, it would be my rainy day $, and frankly, it would give me a feeling of empowerment. I have spoken to a relative who knows the situation and would be willing to shelter the $ for me. Like I said, it would take me 5 years to squirrel away 5K. I definitely feel guilty for it, but in my mind it's "business, not personal". I have to look after myself. Right??

Your $200k of savings - is that tied up so you both have to sign to release it? If it isn't - get that done immediately. Make sure you know where all the family money is going and that you have access to all of it and accounts showing how much is in each account (so he can't lie about it), then as you are clearly able to afford it, open up and account in your name and trf x per month into it. Tell him you are doing this & why. Yes if you split up he would be entitled to it, but if you have $200 k in savings you should be able to put a good $10 into this, so get the $5 you think would make a difference.

Frankly, I wouldn't be bothering and I'd sort the assets out now and tell him to do one.

As you're in the states I would suggest you speak to a lawyer. Expect to pay around $500 for an hour's consultation, but it could be the best money you spend. Any money in a bank account would be taken into account during a divorce, although if you have already spent it on rent then it wouldn't matter.

Depending on the state, and maybe even county, there is a formula to work out the amount of spousal maintenance and child maintenance he would have to pay. This would depend on salaries, number and age of children, how often you each had them for an overnight stay (nights per year) , how long you've been married, if you gave up work to raise kids, medical/health issues etc. you may find you get spousal maintenance for up to 5 years, and child until 18 or even 22 if child goes to college.

There are also ways to provide you with health care after a divorce, and his pension is part of the assets assessed.

If you speak to a lawyer they will not only be able to give you a realistic view of finances, but also be able to help you with how to protect yourself in a legitimate way.

Knowledge is power, and can really help you to know what your future could hold.

Also, it can be arranged so that you stay in the house, but there is a lien in it and you have to move when dc is 18, but it gives you time to get yourself on your feet.

If this is about you suddenly realizing how vulnerable you are, could you pay some money into a 401k? And also make sure that a college fund is set up, so that the longer term stuff is taken care of?

I think knowing that financially you can make it by yourself frees you up to know whether emotionally you WANT to make it. You know you're not staying because you are vulnerable, but because there is a positive reason to stay. That can really help.

I also think you should talk about this with your dh, point out to him that you choosing to stay because you want to is better than having to stay because you can't afford to leave. Ask him if he wants a wife who is with him for a positive reason or because she is stuck with him.

Good luck with thinking this through, it sounds very painful and draining in so many ways.

I may be being thick, but if you save $5000 to run away with, it will be all gone by the time the divorce is being settled, and the calculations made. Which is also why you should protect your half of the $200,000 by ensuring he can't spend that on his own.

There is a particular financial vulnerability that comes with SAHMing because although you might ultimately you might be entitled to "his" money, that's no use when you're trying to get into a hotel on day one of a split. Most businesses don't take IOUs.

The reason why I suggest you move 100K into your name, isn't because I don't understand the 50:50 split.
You say you control it, but it's joint. I think that means it's in joint names but you manage family finances.
In the UK, there would be nothing to stop him taking all 200K into his own account, and leaving you that afternoon.
You can go to court to get it back in the settlement, but what are you eating and paying the rent with in the meantime? Even if not transferred out, he could get a freeze on the account. Of course, you could too.
But my point is this: you do not have guaranteed protected access to the joint savings. And you know you can't trust this man. Cheating doesn't equal thief, but you know you don't want to be vulnerable. You don't trust him. Rightly so.
Get that money properly under your control.

If you're in the States, then perhaps have the money in a separate account, with his knowledge AND his written agreement that it is money that he has absolutely no right to if you split up.

Post nups are even more binding then prenups as far as I know.

(Course it wouldn't stop you having an ADDITIONAL store of money which he DOESN'T know about!!!)

TBH 5k compared to 100k sounds very little.
However, what you DO need is some cash that will be accessible only by you until the divorce proceedings, if there is any divorce at all so you aren't left with nothing at all.

I would ensure that half of the savings are in your name only.

I would also want to think how you came up with this value of 5k to feel 'comfortable'. If it's an issue of knowing you have a bit of something on the side that no one can ever touch? And why 5k when you know you will be entitled to 100k?
The important bit, for me, from what you have told us so far, is that this money is very much of a 'in case of emergency' type of thing. Not money that you want aside because you think you are likely to get divorced (I did get that right didn't I?). So it's more about doing something that makes you feel secure.

Maybe you need to protect yourself financially (having half of the savings in your name or a post nups is the way to go) *and at the same time, ensuring this is done in such a way that it will feel reassuring to you (ie you will know that x amount can't be touched).

The old 'rainy day' adage is to have an amount equal to 3 months of living expenses saved up. I don't know if that's what you're basing the $5000.00 on, but in some areas that amount isn't going to last very long. If you haven't done so, you may want to tote up what your monthly expenses are and then figure you need 3-6 months.

And see a lawyer, pronto.

I've not read all the thread in detail but my advice would be to have access to cash, don't have a friend/relative have it in an account for you but havr it in cash in your sock drawer-or somewhere he won't look.

I did this after we had 'sorted things out' I will say that it's probably not the best omen for the marriage if you arethinking you need a running awat fund, but only you will know when you are ready to use it. I made sure any other bills were paid, the cupboards were full of essentials and home maintenance was up to date.
It may be cynical but also self preservation.

You seem to be muddling two things here:

1. immediate access to money that can't be taken away from you so you can pay a deposit/living costs/other immediate costs on separating

1. trying to conceal assets to get a better than 50:50 split on divorce.

1. is a good/sensible/proper thing to have and requires you to have a bank account in your own name with the money accessible by card/passbook/US equivalent. Giving money to a relative to keep for you won't help you satisfy your immediate requirement for money on separation.

1. is dodgy. If there's £200k assets, that's £100k each, which doesn't sound bad to me.

Better things to do than trying to conceal assets: (1) increase your total joint assets - get some financial planning advice, (2) look at ways to reduce your costs to increase your savings, (3) work out how to improve your earning capacity, (4) if you think you'd be better off divorcing in England, then think about moving whilst you're still on good terms.

Update: I have rethought everything and am not going to have my family member keep it for me. It would get too complicated with taxes, wills, etc. Should everything work out but God forbid my relative died, what if Their spouse didn't want to give the money back!! It just seems too convoluted to bother with.

Dh well knows that I have a 'piggy bank' but has no idea on amounts (it's under 1K at this point). He doesn't care if I blow it, save it, whatever. I highly doubt should we split he's going to say hand over the piggy bank!

I would have never imagined it knowing my Uncle, but my Aunt (they are both in their 80's) said when they separated briefly (they never divorced and are now married 50+ years) my Uncle closed all the accounts and left her with five children and no money to feed them! She had to go to emergency family services and they gave her food (or money to buy food )

She encouraged me to keep some money readily on hand 'just in case'. She said giving it to a family member would do nothing for me as I might need instant accessibility to money. So that is how I'm working it. I don't think DH would ever do that to me, but I never imagined he'd cheat on me either. I was thinking of 5K just as a rainy day fund...not to live on - but what if the furnace blew in January and I didn't have immediate money to get it fixed?

Dh is welcome to do the same, but you see he has no need to. I'd probably get custody of ds, and if a His furnace blew he'd put it in his credit card and pay it off the next time he got paid! Yes I would be entitled to support if some kind but that might not kick in until much later. I have a friend (which I guess prompted all of this) that gifted her sisters after her husband's first affair, and 4 years later, after his next affair, they are currently divorcing. Her sisters gifted her back the 5K (probably where I came up with that amount) and said now she has a bit more peace of mind should something need immediate financial attention when she is truly on her own.

At that point I never was even thinking if he cleaned out all our liquid assets. After speaking to my aunt , she assured me to just put money aside should I need it, and there it is in my sock drawer.