Secretly save money without dh knowing?

[LibraryMum8]

Sorry this is going to be long. Over six months ago dh confessed to me that he had been looking at p*rn and had joined (though a local pop up add) a site where you could get a secret email where you could email, sext, etc. women in the area. He joined two months before he confessed. After a month of having his profile out there, a woman contacted him (also married) and they emailed, sexted, for a week or so. This was the only woman he had contact with.

We then went on vacation and "he was hoping that it would stop" but she contacted him again. He ended up "meeting" her at a local area about 11:00 pm one night. They started to fool around (touching) and then he left the car and told her he couldn't do it, he loved me, etc. That night he told me (I was asleep on the sofa when the said he "had to go get petrol" at 11:00 at night. I knew he wasn't gone long because he was home about 30 minutes later. The encounter lasted about 10 minutes.

That night he confessed, saying that our sex life had been extremely frustrating for him so he ended up looking at p*rn, and had with a severe lack of judgement signed up to this site. He was right about the sex... it had been disappointing for both of us for quite a while. I constantly brought it up, he never wanted to talk about it. And then of course it snowballs.

ANYway, after a few months of counseling, separately and together, many tears, we have rebuilt our relationship. (We have been married 13 years). I have forgiven him. BUT I never, ever, for any reason, want to ever feel so vulnerable again in this relationship. He knows, that only a spider web of thread kept me from leaving him after such trust and devestating news. So here is the issue. I am a SAHM. I have a small part time job but it really brings in no money. I am considering socking away money without his knowledge, in case some day we Would get divorced. We are in the states, where everything is 50/50. But he makes good money, and we all know how the woman can suffer so financially is a case such as this. He would Really be living the good life, and given my age (50) I would really be struggling raising ds on my own after giving up my career so many years ago.

Of course, I would still have to get a job. But even if I had 5K saved up, it would really help me in case I got into a jam, it would be my rainy day $, and frankly, it would give me a feeling of empowerment. I have spoken to a relative who knows the situation and would be willing to shelter the $ for me. Like I said, it would take me 5 years to squirrel away 5K. I definitely feel guilty for it, but in my mind it's "business, not personal". I have to look after myself. Right??

It's a really good idea. I've always done this, just 50 a month over 20 years has built up to a nice little nest egg.

I agree with idea of the fund, esp in the case of a SAHM. But I would tell him and I would tell him WHY.

TyrionRocks, I have access to all our money. In fact, I manage it, so it would be very easy for me to take X amount of money out every payday (or any day for that matter) and do what I want with it. That isn't the issue.

The issue is that should we divorce, half of everything we own would become his. I want that money without his Knowledge, so that even if it is only 5K, he won't be entitled to half of it. 2.5K, in his world, with him earning 7K a month (US) is a drop in the bucket, but it would be a huge help to me as an emergency fund should we split.

DH is very generous. I Could tell him what I was doing, not on the sly, but when it came down to brass tacks, he'd know about it. Should we split, he would be well within every right to have half of that money because he knows about it. If he Doesn't know about it, because it isn't even in my name (here where we live, even if it is in my name only he is Still entitled to half of it) then I would get it all.

I totally trust my relative to hold the money for me. We have it worked out that they would open up a savings account and deposit the money. Whatever taxes it would accumulate I would be responsible for (won't be much) but that will keep it all on the up and up. It would be like me giving them a present without my dh knowing. And then, should I need it, they would give it back to me. Their spouse is very understanding (as the same thing happened to them before they married my family member). It would be written in my relative's will that I would be the beneficiary of this account should anything happen to my relative.

If I "gift" my relative with this money they could "gift" it back to me. I wouldn't be lying to the courts, and I am still protecting myself and ds.

And I would NEVER give the money to a friend! Who us telling you that said friend won't be running away with it??

I never mentioned friend. It would be a blood relative.

I do suppose though should my relative and their spouse split, the spouse would be entitled to half of that $ as well? THAT wouldn't be a good thing!

In the US are you entitled to half of everything and spouse and child support from your DH or just half of everything?

Hi op I advise any women I talk too if the subject comes up to always have a plan B I've been suit on from a great hight in the past and was left penniless never again.

I am now married to a wonderful husband but even he knows I have plan B and is ok with it he totally understands my reasons.

I would add that the next few birthdays xmas etc wouldn't it be nice for some jewellery etc, it's small can be hidden and sold off quickly yeah its mercenary but from personal experience hell yea.

It's a good idea if you totally trust your family member. I understand why you feel you would need it. I would do it for family or a friend and would never touch a penny of it! Only problem is they need to ensure it's written into a will in case they die.

Half of everything, child support, and Perhaps alimony (spousal support) especially since I'm a SAHM. I'm not sure for our state, but a friend of mine is getting a certain amount for every three years of her marriage. So she was married 10 years, and is getting spousal support for three years.

We do have a lot of savings. All totaled we are probably have over 200K all together. My worry is my age. I just turned 50. With what little I worked into social security since I never went back to full time work with ds, my pension would be very very low. I would need training to get back to a decent wage and then how long am I going to be able to work?

DH is quite a few years younger than I am. He is going to be in the working pool for a long time.

Would you be entitled to any of his pension?

I can't tell you what to do, but I will say I did exactly what you are thinking about,I am sahm, it was the best thing I ever did because now it's all I have, it turns out he made his own little plans without my knowledge and has left me high and dry with dcs. What I managed to save is a small amount in the grand scheme of things but it will help dcs and I.

My DM suggested I get the ring, the running away money and financial indepence

Rings aside, the other two are not unreasonsble. We have individual and joint savings. These could easily be construed as 'running away money ' but in reality are more 'what if I lose my job money'.

Yes I think I would be. That wouldn't be half, but I think would be a certain percentage. For instance, say he started working and contributing at age 20. He got married at age 29. I wouldn't be entitled to a percentage of the money he earned from age 20-29, but I think I would be from the years of 29 - until whenever we broke up.

I think a light is beginning to dawn here. I think the $ really represents the vunerability I feel right now. Because we are not talking thousands of dollars, we are only talking a small amount. Realistically that probably still wouldn't help me much when I'm mentioning pension and such...

I don't know how US pensions work -do you have an option to top up what you've missed? If not, why haven't you set up a private pension? I'd be more bothered about doing that now than pissing around with a small amount of hidden savings.

I'm actually uncomfortable with what you describe. Don't lie to yourself - if you gift it to relatives with the full intention that they gift it back, you're deliberately trying to hide assets from your spouse. I'm not saying you shouldn't, I understand why - but call a spade a spade.

How is that 200K held? Could he do the dirty and take it all? Gift it to a relative?!!! Get 100K into your name, NOW. Far more protection than hiding smaller amounts now.

All the money is held jointly. Even if I had 100K in my name it would still be split should we split.

I just want to thank you all for such good honest advice. I am still grappling with this, but it's given me more to think about. Thank you.

It's good you know roughly what you would be entitled to if you were to divorce.

I don't see why you need to do this. You say you have control over all the finances at the present time, which are considerable, and that what you really want is a small 'rainy day' fund.

I don't see why you can't set up this rainy day fund with your DH's full knowledge (and understanding). As long as it is in your name only, even if your DH knows about it he couldn't access it at the point you left and needed it. It would allow you to get on your feet.

Ok, if you then got divorced he would be able to claim back half of that £5000, but then you'd be able to claim back half of the £100,000 you already have evidence of.

I think in your shoes I'd go for complete transparency, and if I was going to ask a relative to do any kind of holding for me, it would be copies of your various finances so you can prove the assets in the event of a split.

It's perfectly fine for you to set up a fund, hide it from him and hide it from divorce proceedings - which some posters don't appear to understand is what you want - so long as you would be quite happy for him to do the same thing. I detest double-standards.

However, don't engage in the pathetic exercise of thinking that his cheating somehow justifies it. If you tame that route, then he can also justify all manner of dishonesty against your relationship by reference to something you have done, which angered or hurt him.

What would happen if the person holding the money for you suddenly died (car crash, whatever)? I've considered the running away fund many times and I always come up against this problem. Currently have a fund but partner is vaguely aware of the existence of the account.

It is about accessibility and vulnerability. I was SAHM, my ex was a good generous earner and we shard all bank accounts. But, when it went bad, he just closed the accounts and my credit cards and suddenly I was penniless with no access to any money and no lines of credit because I had been SAHM and had no income for more than 5 years. My name wasn't on any bills, not on the mortgage, nothing, but completely secure until he decided to stop paying.

I took £6,000 from a joint account just beefore we separated because I had some warning signs that he would cut me off financially. He went to the police and tried to have me prosecuted for theft. There was no cast to answer because it was clearly joint funds but he held all the cards re ownership. If I hadn't had my little nest egg of child benefit, that I had honestly sn as my 'pin' money I would not have made it.

With the benefit of my hindsight I can say that you have no idea how your partner will react to bad times and money is power and power is what drives bad behaviour in relationships.

Like everyone else says, if it all works out good, you have a nice little pot for joint treats, if not, you're safer (not safe).

What state are you in? It's not true that EVERYTHING is 50/50. His income vs your potential income is a huge factor. You could be awarded the house because it's easier for him to afford a new place for example.

You would be entitled to half his 401K, you'd get a share in his social security from the length of the marriage. You'd probably be entitled to spousal support.

Honestly what you're planning is very underhanded and it wouldn't sit well with me. It is bad enough that you have bad feelings about what he did, to add that you have absolutely no faith or trust in him and your relationship just makes it more obvious you should just leave asap.

If you're seriously concerned but think he's a fair guy, why not discuss a post-nuptial agreement? You could mention in that agreement (among other things) the fact that your separate bank account (not to exceed X amount of money) is yours if the marriage ends and not part of a asset/liability division. But it's not really fair on him... what if it turns out he can't work because of sickness or something?

Actually, a post nuptial is a good idea! Given his past behaviour, if he's really interested in saving the marriage he'll agree to it. Basic list of assets and 50/50 split. Possible alimony amount based on a percentage of his income.

You may or may not qualify for Social Security Divorced Spouse's Benefit. There are caveats. You can go to ssa.gov for info.

Im in the States.

There is NO safety net here NONE,NADA, ZIP.

You hide as much money as you can,take my advice and get a safety deposit box and keep it there, you have to disclose ALL accounts during a divorce. I kept mine in a friends safe,in cash.

I worked 20 hours a week on a low wage when I threw ex out. I had 3 kids and a mortgage. I didnt even qualify for free school meals for my kids,no food stamps or even a free tank of oil in the winter. You are on your own.

The only thing I can say,depending on what state you are in, is they are definitely more pro mother here. Its very unusual for a mother not to get custody. They WILL not make you sell the house if there are kids involved until the youngest is 18 but there is no guarantee that they will have to pay mortgage or court costs. That depends on what they earn and how good your lawyer is. If you rent then a simple trip to court to file a restraining order ( yes officer Im scared of him ) will secure your right to the home and keep him out,no matter whos name is on the lease,or mortgage for that matter. They do not want you and your kids on welfare so they WILL pursue the ex for everything they can

The CSA in my state is GREAT. I have it taken directly from his wages ( after he tried playing silly buggers). They dont care what the circumstances, he will pay the court decided amount,and there is a calculator to figure out the minimum, or go to jail. Even in jail they build up arrears and they will screw up your credit then remove any/all professional licenses until the arrears are paid. Oh and your drivers license too.

You will need large hidden stash of cash to tide you over,no one makes ANY allowances for things like this,you need to be able to carry yourself and your kids until the court ordered stuff kicks in. There is no legal aid here either and a good lawyer costs $$$.I tried to pay mine cash but she only took credit card ( worth every fckin penny though )

Another thing to think about is if you are not American and H is and you have been here less than 10 years,then HE is responsible for financially supporting you. Its in the papers he signed to bring you over. If you end up on welfare they will get the payments back from him.

Im in Mass,if I can help PM me. I dont know where you are,dont mean to scare you but really hide as much as you can,if he walks you are literally on your own