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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How much detail do I need to give exP?!

53 replies

BigOrange · 03/02/2014 10:35

Hi all,

Can I have some perspective please? Agreed last week to minimal contact with exP because we have been arguing like crazy every time we speak. I feel like he is deliberately trying to wind me up and he feels the same about me. Prior to this I would get one text each day asking how DD is, and I would reply saying she was fine. Since we agreed minimal contact though, exP says that I am being too short with him ref DD, and has started sending texts with loads of questions about her in. How is she, what is she up to, what is she doing today, how was yesterday etc. Just for reference when we were together he didn't ask what we were doing or had done that day, and for the first two months after our split he didn't either. I kind of resent having to tell him all of our daily movements, but I suspect I'm being unfair. I feel like he walked away from our family unit and doesn't have the right to epic text messages every day but I really don't know if I'm just being a bitch (it's possible!)
Can I have some advice please?

OP posts:
meiisme · 03/02/2014 10:59

You are not being unfair. He's trying to keep control over you, and you know it. I would stick to the 'fine' or tell him you won't be answering any texts as long as he keeps pestering you.

BigOrange · 03/02/2014 11:40

Thanks meiisme it's good to hear that you don't think I'm being unfair. I really think he is asking what she's doing because he actually wants to know what I'm doing?

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 03/02/2014 11:42

Yep, he's trying to control you, and keep tabs on what you're doing. Stick to the one word answers - he can't make you elaborate!

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 03/02/2014 11:43

What about agreeing that you will send him 1 text per day at such and such a time, giving preagreed details and he is not to contact you to in advance of or in response to that?

that way, you are the one with the control, iyswim.

he can't complain if his actual desire is simply to have information about his child's day to day life, but if he is just trying to be awkward, he will be left with no choice but to reveal that about himself.

BigOrange · 03/02/2014 11:43

I just keep thinking that I'd hate it if he did it to me when he had DD. I'm still being too nice to him aren't I?!

OP posts:
BigOrange · 03/02/2014 11:44

Isee that's a good idea, I'll definitely consider that, thank you.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 03/02/2014 11:45

How old is DD?

BigOrange · 03/02/2014 11:47

7 months

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/02/2014 11:48

Definitely not unfair. He's an exP because he walked out. His choice! So ex means ex. He's not your keeper and has no right to know where you are 24/7. He's not a friend that you'd have cosy chats with day and night. You're staying in touch with him solely in order to facilitate a relationship with your DD but you're choosing to keep it brief, business-like and in a manner convenient to you. Absolutely how it should be. If you had no DD you wouldn't exchange one word with this man for the rest of you life.

Lweji · 03/02/2014 11:49

Does he have any contact with her?

BigOrange · 03/02/2014 11:50

Yeah, he sees her three times a week and will be having her at weekends starting this weekend.

OP posts:
BigOrange · 03/02/2014 11:51

Cog your last sentence is oh so true!

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 03/02/2014 11:51

It will be interesting to see how much information he wants to give you upon your request, won't it?

KingRollo · 03/02/2014 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 11:52

He's trying to wind you up

You choose which texts you reply to

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 03/02/2014 11:55

Hea being ridiculous!

He sees her 3 times a weeks. He doesnt need daily updates of what a 7 month old is doing!

I would no longer respond and only contact him to inform him of things he needed to know. Like "DD injections today so very grumpy- will keep her home tonight. Will let you know when she is ready to come to yours again."

NatashaBee · 03/02/2014 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingRollo · 03/02/2014 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSquirrel · 03/02/2014 11:57

He doesn't really have a right to know how his dd is and what she has been up to. Nor does the OP have any obligation to provide him with this information.

The child has a right to a relationship with her father. The OP is facilitating this by making her available for contact three times a week and at weekends.

VivienStanshall · 03/02/2014 11:59

Talisa has it.

Control. He's keeping tabs and will start trying to direct what you do and don't do.

MrsSquirrel · 03/02/2014 12:02

He doesn't need any updates at all. Tell him that you are not going to text him any more, other than to arrange contact, and that he can assume dd is fine unless he hears otherwise.

FunkyBoldRibena · 03/02/2014 12:02

'Same as yesterday. If she is ill or something momentous happens, I'll contact you or tell you at handover. Have a nice day.'

Dahlen · 03/02/2014 12:03

At 7 months and contact of 3x a week with weekends soon about to become regular events, he is being ridiculous. Even giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming that this is because he wants to know every minute of his DD's day rather than controlling your life through the control of information, he is being unreasonable.

As long as you update him on everything of significance (e.g. illness, development milestones, routine appointments, food preferences/allergies etc), the contact he has with DD is enough for him to be aware of everything he needs to be aware of.

If you are really keen on fostering a good co-parenting relationship, what you could do is keep a DD Diary, where you write in it each day all the above, plus a one- or two-line summary of her day (much like they do in daycare). You can also use this to communicate about DD, e.g. writing things like, "DD has been a bit restless during the nights, so don't worry if she takes time to settle when she's with you this weekend. I find that doing x, y,z, helps, but if you find something else that works, please let me know."

The beauty of this is that it is a great document to keep for posterity, and has less potential for misunderstanding than texts, and, more importantly in this particular situation, totally removes his ability to control your day to day life by demanding a breakdown of your movements.

BigOrange · 03/02/2014 13:00

Thanks all. Rollo I know what you mean about what if the roles were reversed, and we have had a sort of issue with that. He's moved in with someone I'm really not happy about, and when we were discussing it he said something along the lines of 'DD will be with me and she'll be safe and that's all that should matter' so I guess I'm kind of thinking about that.
The other thing though is that I genuinely wouldn't mind if he'd been like this all along. I get that when he was living with us he would sort of have known what she was up to, but he's been gone two months and this has only started since we went minimal contact. Before that he really didn't ask.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 03/02/2014 13:37

Yup- this is him trying to keep on your radar and keep getting his 'part' of your attention. Has girlfriend dumped him?