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Original poster

How much detail do I need to give exP?!

53 replies

BigOrange · 03/02/2014 10:35

Hi all,

Can I have some perspective please? Agreed last week to minimal contact with exP because we have been arguing like crazy every time we speak. I feel like he is deliberately trying to wind me up and he feels the same about me. Prior to this I would get one text each day asking how DD is, and I would reply saying she was fine. Since we agreed minimal contact though, exP says that I am being too short with him ref DD, and has started sending texts with loads of questions about her in. How is she, what is she up to, what is she doing today, how was yesterday etc. Just for reference when we were together he didn't ask what we were doing or had done that day, and for the first two months after our split he didn't either. I kind of resent having to tell him all of our daily movements, but I suspect I'm being unfair. I feel like he walked away from our family unit and doesn't have the right to epic text messages every day but I really don't know if I'm just being a bitch (it's possible!)
Can I have some advice please?

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 13:45

My ds goes to his dads every weekend and has done since a baby.

Not once, ever, have either of us asked what ds was up to, and how he was randomly - especially daily. Its not because we dont care. Its because we both know if either of us needed to know he wasnt fine or anything, we would let each other know.

We send pics of ds to each other every now and then. But its not expected of each other. Its just what we want to do.

I think he is being ridiculous wanting daily updates, especially considering he sees her 3 times a week!

I dont think you would be unfair to not txt him everyday.
Text him on the days he doesnt see her.

Original poster
BigOrange · 03/02/2014 13:53

So can I ask the obvious question then? Why is he trying to control me?! He dumped me?!

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 13:57

Could he have dumped you in a form of control. Now he cant stand the fact you arent begging for him to come home so is trying to force himself into your thoughts

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/02/2014 13:58

Dumping someone doesn't mean relinquishing control :) Why settle for having one woman on a string or running around after you, if you can have two? Men like your ex hate to think that they are dispensable. They are selfish and ergo the world revolves around them and what they want. That you are getting on with life quite happily without his input and you have neither crumpled nor are begging him back will be a complete mystery to him.

meiisme · 03/02/2014 14:00

As wontletme says, he probably enjoys the power he had over you by walking out: the drama, the pain, the knowing that you worry about what made him do it. Now that you are minimal contact, he doesn't get his thrill often enough, so is trying to get it back by interfering with your personal peace. And yes, he knows that's what he's doing.

Original poster
BigOrange · 03/02/2014 14:22

I feel like I'll never understand some people! I just don't get why he would want to keep me right where he wants me if he doesn't want to be with me?

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 03/02/2014 14:28

Some peo

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 03/02/2014 14:32

Some peole are manipulators- they learn (probably as children or in early relationships) that it possible to get exactly what you want from other people with very little 'give' on your part. When the person they pupetter wakes up and refuses to play they panic because a) they dont like losing the control and b) they had it good and losing you means he'll have to go through all the effort if training his next servant girlfriend to do everything how he is used to it. And i mean everything, right down to how to react when he signals he's in a bad mood. Whereas you already know all this and he's probably realising he could have stayed with you and save the trouble of training her up.

Original poster
BigOrange · 03/02/2014 14:33

But he wasn't the one that had the control in our relationship, it was pretty equal, but if you pushed me I'd say I actually had more control than him.

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 14:34

What yourebeingasillybilly said. Plus...if he keeps you right where he wants you. Then when he fancies a bit, the chances of you saying no are slim (in his eyes).

VivienStanshall · 03/02/2014 14:34

I don't know why he wants to control you but I have seen it several times and it always follows the pattern of multiple phone calls and texts to upset you and intrude upon your life when none of it is required. He is deliberately trying to wind you up and deflects this by saying you are doing the same.

The way to stop it is absolutely minimal contact and do not feel the need to reply or challenge what he has said as he is seeking to draw you into an argument every time.

I'm a bloke by the way, I don't think like this but I know how men like this think.

wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 14:38

Ok then. Step away from all the control shit.

Maybe he actually.misses your dd desperately and is really struggling to get by daily without her.

I know when my dd went to live with her dad. I wanted to speak to her everyday. She was 7, so a bit different. But that annoyed her dad (even though i never spoke to him) to the point he cut the phone wire (he was a controller).

I wasnt doing it as any form of control. I really just missed my dd so much that anything, anything at all from her just to know she was ok felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders ...and that was faily for the first 3 weeks of her living there.
Would have lasted longer had he not cut the wire and took her mobile phone off of her.

In either case -you are not being unfair if you dont want to respond daily.

I coild understand dd's dads position. Although he took it to the extreme.

wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 14:39

If he never showed this much interest whilst living with your dd though, then id say its definitely control

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 03/02/2014 14:41

Ok so why are you now questioning your own actions in relations to him? Who is controlling you now? You mightnt think he was in control but the very fact you are having to ask if he is BU here tells me you dont know your own mind when it comes to him and id be surprised if thats a new thing simce he left.

Original poster
BigOrange · 03/02/2014 14:42

It's not that I don't want to respond, it's just the level of detail he wants from me!

OP posts:
Original poster
BigOrange · 03/02/2014 14:45

Yeah sillybilly I see what you're saying.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigOrange · 03/02/2014 14:46

Not making excuses though (honest) but I've got PND and I've found that I'm nothing like the person I was. I'm questioning a lot of things with regards to friends, family and work too, it's not just him.

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 03/02/2014 14:55

I thought i was in an equal relationship. I thought it was me. I also started questioning everyone, not just him. Mostly myself.

He would plant the seeds. Example: your mam/sister/friend seemed a bit off with you today.
I hadnt thought they were. But after that comment, i wondered. Which made me more on edge when next with them.

You know him more than we do. It is very odd for him to be constantly texting you to find out about his dd...

Original poster
BigOrange · 03/02/2014 16:29

Yeah agreed. To be honest I'm inclined to think that he wasn't sure of his decision, and up to now we've been either getting on really really well (I was trying to make him realise what he was missing, think a couple in all but name) or at each other's throats. It was easy for him to go along with playing happy families, or to hate me because we were arguing, and now he's got neither I think he's panicking a bit.

OP posts:
KingRollo · 03/02/2014 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 17:21

he might be one of those blokes who can't stand the idea that another bloke is around. as in, he doesn't want you, but no one else can get in a look-in either

Original poster
BigOrange · 03/02/2014 17:53

Hi Rollo I don't doubt for a minute that he does want to know how she is. It's just that it seems like he wants to know a lot more since we went 'minimal contact'. That makes sense AF, but he dumped me, he can't have it both ways!

OP posts:
KingRollo · 03/02/2014 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairy1303 · 03/02/2014 20:28

I like Rollo's idea of weekly emails.

keep strong!

Original poster
BigOrange · 03/02/2014 21:45

Thanks for your input everyone!

OP posts:
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