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Original poster

How would you define this personality? Advice needed

26 replies

cafesociety · 02/02/2014 19:21

Someone [a 'friend] said:
they couldn't go on holiday with me as they had problems sleeping and had limited annual leave....then went to a music festival and a holiday abroad with parents [parents paying] every year...

and said I was in the way when I went into her kitchen....then said I didn't help out enough with food preparation/cooking for tea...

and said I didn't come forward with suggestions for things to do at the weekends....but I did, she just didn't fancy doing what I suggested...

and said why didn't I come up to see her weekday evenings [saying I didn't care how she was]...then if I did she was snappy because she'd been at work and was tired...

and said I didn't ever offer to cook a meal for her....[no I gave up in the end] yet when I told her what food I had in and would she like to stay for tea, she didn't fancy what I had....

and said repeatedly when I asked if anything was wrong [her moods/scoffing/criticisms of me were accelerating] that everything was fine, nothing wrong...it was me, I was paranoid...

How do you define this behaviour/mixed messages? What's going on? Why do people act like this? I know my brain has been mashed and that she is a confused and unhappy person....

I do not see this person any more [cant take any more of it] but need to process what has happened, understand it and get counselling so I never, ever get involved with someone like this again.

Any input/ observations, any definitions would be welcome as I would like some clarity. Thanks.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 02/02/2014 19:37

I think you've done enough by not seeing him/her anymore. Seems the healthiest option.

You're still giving her way too much of your headspace, though. You don't need a label for "person who was hard work and clearly didn't care much for me". Sometimes, people are hard work and/or don't like us much.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 02/02/2014 19:39

You sound resolved not to let it happen again, which is the most positive thing that can come out of this. Focus on that, on what you want to do for you going forward. Not on the whys and wherefores of someone else's psyche - that's something that's just not given to us to know.

MomentForLife · 02/02/2014 19:47

I would it's a classic case of being a twat.

In all seriousness though, sounds like you're friend was just a highly strung, neurotic person and took frustrations out on you. If you're a passive or even timid
person than people like that sort of use you.

I wouldn't dwell, you may meet other people like it. In future just remember that you're important and don't have to do everything to please people.

MomentForLife · 02/02/2014 19:48
  • i would say
Original poster
cafesociety · 02/02/2014 19:48

I just feel manipulated and bullied/controlled. I invested a lot in the friendship [over a decade] and am the sort of person who likes an explanation for everything, and likes to identify what went wrong.

But I take your point Hot DAMN that I may not ever understand or know why I gradually became 'the enemy'. It has shaken me up though, no doubt about that.

OP posts:
RubySparks · 02/02/2014 19:50

Just self centred, unable to see things from someone else's perspective, lacking empathy.

MomentForLife · 02/02/2014 19:53

I can almost guarentee this woman is probably like it to loads of people. The only thing that went wrong was you put up with it because you sound nice and probably dindn't want to cause tension.

Original poster
cafesociety · 02/02/2014 19:53

Moment I think I'm a rescuer, I like to help where I can if people have problems. I've had my own so try and give support and practical help where I had none.

More fool me, in this case and I think I outlived my usefulness. I am going to be so wary now. [Feeling a bit cynical and bitter!]

OP posts:
lljkk · 02/02/2014 19:57

Manipulative & controlling about sums it up.

lljkk · 02/02/2014 19:57

either that or "nut job".

Original poster
cafesociety · 02/02/2014 20:00

Yes, I avoid conflict...any attempts to challenge her behaviours made her go into a rage, so I used to let a lot go. The irritation/snappiness was kept for me it seems, as I cannot see her ever talking to other people the way she talked to me.

Ruby definitely self absorbed and entitled.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 02/02/2014 20:01

Pain In The Arse

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 02/02/2014 20:02

Um, the correct medical name is 'Nutter', also sometimes referred to as 'Complete Waste Of Space' . Prognosis is poor, there is no treatment apart from the hope that the sufferer may one day have self insight. It's not contagious but it is best if you stay away from the 'Nutter'.

RubySparks · 02/02/2014 20:02

I guess the main thing is it was her (being a problem) and not you!

RubySparks · 02/02/2014 20:07

Actually this rang a bell with something I'd read on 'splitting', this is an interesting insight gettinbetter.com/perfect.html

Not trying to diagnose anything!

Lweji · 02/02/2014 20:08

"I would it's a classic case of being a twat."

Pretty much this

oldgrandmama · 02/02/2014 20:08

Don't give her any more thought, cafesociety. As other wise MNetters have observed, she's a nutter, pain in the arse, manipulative, controlling ... and the rest. DO NOT let her mess up your head any longer. See her for what she is, don't fret. SHE is the problem, not you. And a big (((hug))) from me - stop anguishing about her 'games'.

Viviennemary · 02/02/2014 20:09

She sounds a really difficult person so you have done the right thing to take a step back. I agree. She was the problem not you.

RubySparks · 02/02/2014 20:19

Link this time gettinbetter.com/perfect.html

Original poster
cafesociety · 02/02/2014 20:26

Thanks for all your input, I should have walked away a long time ago. I am desperately trying not to think about it all, but can't seem to shut my brain off....

OP posts:
Original poster
cafesociety · 02/02/2014 20:29

Thank you Ruby for the link...it looks very interesting reading.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 02/02/2014 20:33

If you were in a relationship with this person then they would be called emotionally abusive.

You cant do right for doing wrong and when you try to put your view across she flies into a rage that leaves you in such fear of it that you tread on eggshells. You modified your own behaviour in order to try to avoid these rages.

You have left an abusive relationship, so well done. Seriously.

If she is like this with you, what is she like with her partner? Or, let me guess, she doesnt have one? I wonder why....

Bogeyface · 02/02/2014 20:33

Oh and Gaslighting was in there too.

Original poster
cafesociety · 02/02/2014 20:48

Bogey there is no partner! And hasn't been for about 15years. That is what enrages her. I am single too [but divorced and have grown children] which is why we knocked around together at weekends.

I would also say her behaviour was emotionally and verbally abusive in latter years. She has said awful things to me at times. I know she changed jobs and made a new set of friends....and then I must have been less exciting.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 02/02/2014 21:01

Nah, she has just abused her friends and partners to the point where they all did what you did.

Thankfully she isnt EA to a partner, they clearly saw this side of her before she showed it to you.