So if you've decided to stay in a marriage for the sake of the children, how do you stop the dead feeling inside?

[Peebles10]

Genuine question, I no longer love my dh, I am sad and unhappy being with him. My heart sinks if I have to be with him without other people. But for many reasons I know I will be staying at least until the children finish school, another 8 years. For those of you who have chosen to stay or feel you cannot leave, how do you fill that space inside you?

Iconfess this is another problem altogether. This man IS abusive and yes you do really need to find a way out of it. Your dcs will be much happier if they aren't living in a house where their dad thinks it's ok to put their mum down and insult her.

I also agree that the time when you will leave will be the most tricky, because he is abusive. Maybe start another thread to gather information before you tell him.

My mum and dad stayed for the sake of my sister and I. It was horrible growing up in that environment. Even though they didn't argue in front of us at the beginning, as time progressed things got much worse. The silence was horrible.
We ended up resenting our parents for putting that pressure on us for so long. I feel awful when I think how unhappy they were for years, especially since they are so much happier apart.
Please don't stay for the children. Divorce is so much easier to deal with than the constant misery of the alternative.

I wouldn't stay in a marriage for the children. I'd get out of it for the children.

Does anyone really stay together for the children?

I always assume that's a way of dressing up a choice we don't have a comfortable description of (weighing up all the options and deciding you're better of, one way or another, staying put) as something a bit more 'selfless'.

We all know children are aware of their parents' unhappiness, selfless it ain't.

Iconfess your husband sounds emotionally and physically abusive to the nth degree. Absolutely agree you need to get out - I'd call Women's Aid on how to achieve that safely, too.

he has said he doesn't consider it abuse - he says my rejection of him pushed him to that

That's even scarier, because he is blaming you for his extreme violence towards you. Counselling is pointless where there's abuse - you aren't the one with problems, let alone selfish! Your only problem is being with an arse like him.

'To thine own self be true' it really is the only way to live your one precious life.

This single posting could I believe change my life, and that of my children (and the original thread itself). Thank you!!

I recently posted about how to stay in a marriage that's just not awful, not great and about getting happiness elsewhere because we too have decided 'to stay together for the children'. Reading these posts, I feel a bit of a twit, to put it mildly! I had bad relationships modelled for me as a child, and I've copied the pattern entirely. Why why would I now do the same again for my children! Feel like smacking my head off a wall! I have just read through the last post I started and who am I trying to kid? I describe my marriage as being not too bad. I lied - to myself really. It's shit. I have to change this pattern.

I'm so sorry to read that there are quite a few of us out there. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do, we do deserve to be happy and set a good example to our children.

Thanks again for starting this thread Peebles, so valuable. I read with interest the thread about 'butterfly feelings' and felt really heart warmed by some of the posts about happy marriages. I want me some of that, in a few years, when I'm ready!