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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So if you've decided to stay in a marriage for the sake of the children, how do you stop the dead feeling inside?

57 replies

Peebles10 · 02/02/2014 17:19

Genuine question, I no longer love my dh, I am sad and unhappy being with him. My heart sinks if I have to be with him without other people. But for many reasons I know I will be staying at least until the children finish school, another 8 years. For those of you who have chosen to stay or feel you cannot leave, how do you fill that space inside you?

OP posts:

Preciousbane · 03/02/2014 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllaFitzgerald · 03/02/2014 00:21

Don't do it! You're not doing your children any favours in either the short term or the long term. As small as they may be, it will be obvious to them that things aren't right, especially if they see the parents of friends interacting happily together. Long term, and as was pointed out earlier, you're teaching them what relationships look like.

PoshPaula · 04/02/2014 09:54

Remember it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2014 11:11

With respect, I think 'for the children' is an excuse. Work out why you're really staying with your husband, what you're genuinely frightened of & what your motivations are. There are all kinds of pressures on women to stay in bad marriages... financial, social, traditional. Maybe you'd feel hypocritical if you've been scornful in the past of people who got divorced and regarded them all as very selfish? Maybe you grew up being told divorce was shameful? Maybe you're too financially cosy with the status quo and don't want to live in a smaller house or sacrifice any material trappings?

But be honest about it to yourself because the 'for the kids' argument has more holes than a colander

PottedPlant · 04/02/2014 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/02/2014 12:18

Don't do it.

My parents separated when I was 5 and my sister was 6 and we survived. We have great relationships with our parents and our parents are very friendly with each other.

My sister recently left her partner of 10 years with whom she has two children with, aged 7 and 4. They had previously broken up a few years ago but it was very short lived as she got back with him "for the sake of the children". Worst decision she made. They weren't happy together at all and the children obviously picked up on this, they are so much more aware of tension and hostility than we give them credit for. The children became withdrawn, the oldest boys behaviour deteriorated and the atmosphere in the house was always tense and strained. It was obvious their 'happy front' was forced. There is a big difference between a genuinely happy and loving relationship and one that is 'ok'.

She left him about 6 months ago and it was extremely hard for her - but she just couldn't cope anymore. Everyone has a breaking point and she'd reached it. You cannot sacrifice your happiness and if you are feeling dead inside then you need to ask if that's the kind of mother your children want? Surely they want and deserve a happy one?

My sister's life and that of the children have improved dramatically - she is like a different person, so happy all the time, she has her confidence back and she is always smiling. The children have also come on in leaps and bounds, the change in them is so wonderful to see. They see their mm is happy and that makes them happy. They have regular contact with their dad and everything has worked put for the best. I know it is different as my sister wasn't married to the father of her children, but to walk out on a life and a man that she's had for 10 years took a lot of courage. She openly admits now that she should never have gone back to him that first time.

Do not think you are doing your children any favours - they will base their future relationships on the example you give them. Look at your marriage from an outside angle and ask yourself, "What am I really teaching them? What am I showing them is normal? What am I teaching them to expect and accept in a relationship?"

Badvoc · 04/02/2014 12:20

This is no way to live, op.
You children will not thank you.
Start to live your life now.

ILoveDHIDo · 04/02/2014 12:24

Don't do it. I have three other siblings and we don't speak to our parents after many many years because of the hell they put us through with passive aggression, awkward silences, pinnin us against the other etc.

don't don't don't stay with your partner for the 'sake of your kids' because children are not stupid and it will severely affect the way they see relationships in the future.

hiddenhome · 04/02/2014 16:15

Antidepressants.

RandomMess · 04/02/2014 16:59

Just catching up on this, honestly it's seriously depressing. The clock is ticking until I go but I am petrified of telling of my h and dc .

HesterShaw · 04/02/2014 17:20

Don't stay for the sake of the children. They'll realise and feel responsible and turn into guilty, nervous adults.

My mother always says she stayed for our sake, even when we were adults. She says she did it because if she'd left she was afraid DSis and I would never speak to her again. In truth, she was too lazy to make a decision and act on it.

It's one of the reasons I dislike her so much.

Iconfess · 04/02/2014 18:32

Wow - I'm amazed by the support for leaving. It's giving me the strength to do it. I've been so unhappy for so long - but things have been truly awful for over 18 months now. My husband is fully aware of my feelings and we have tried counselling etc, but the marriage is totally dead for me. However, he is refusing to let me end the relationship calmly - threatening that it will be the divorce from hell, and telling me I am being selfish to put my needs before the kids'. He says he loves me and keeps asking what he can do to make me happy - but the trouble is he can do nothing to make me happy. He then swings the other way and is abusive - sending me awful texts and on one occasion physicaly forcing me out of the bedroom and ending up with me on the floor and his hands around my neck. Can't believe I'm still there - but his words about me being selfish just hit home - I've thought 'if I would die for my kids, why can't I keep their family together for them?' This thread is wonderful - I need to get the balls to go.

RandomMess · 04/02/2014 18:35

Iconfess I'm sending you some balls of steel!!

Iconfess · 04/02/2014 18:38

RandomMess - I'll take them! I'm so scared of the scene where the kids are crying and he is glowering at me and telling them 'this is all your mother's idea - I don't want to break this family up' - is your situation similar?

RandomMess · 04/02/2014 18:40

Probably, I'm not sure he'll be glowering more like crying. I'm really not sure what to tell the dc.

We don't love each other - not exactly true
We don't make each other happy?

Iconfess · 04/02/2014 18:46

Relate have a leaflet about what children of different ages need to know or can take on board. I guess there's no one way that suits everyone. My kids are 7, 10 and 13 so quote a spread of understanding there. I'm planning to try and keep things very simple and have a fallback line that grown up relationships are very difficult to understand. My husband has said he will tell them it's my doing if I don't say it myself - so I feel I will need to be in control of the conversation and say something like 'I haven't been happy with daddy for a long time, and even though he wanted to make me happy it just didn't work - and now that makes him unhappy too.'

Iconfess · 04/02/2014 18:47

I had been thinking about posting that question on here - ideas on how to break this news to your children.

Fairenuff · 04/02/2014 18:48

Iconfess you do need to get out of your abusive relationship but you need to plan it very carefully.

The fact that he put his hands around your neck is an indication of how dangerous he could get. Do you have good rl support from family and friends?

RandomMess · 04/02/2014 18:48

Well I've got to tell h first... urgh it's just horrible.

Iconfess · 04/02/2014 18:55

Thanks Fairenuff - I get amazing support from RL family and friends - really amazing. The violent incident really shook me up - and he has said he doesn't consider it abuse - he says my rejection of him pushed him to that. I know it's bollocks, but the real issue for me has been his inability to deal with or even accept the failed relationship. He is like a Victorian husband - we must carry on regardless for the sake of the children. He has not told anyoen in his family and only two friends.

Iconfess · 04/02/2014 18:56

I have to go now, but will be keeping an eye on this thread - and hoping for the best for the OP and you RandomMess. These balls of steel are heavy...

Writerwannabe83 · 04/02/2014 18:57

I have so much respect for women who find the strength to leave - you are amazing and your children are lucky to have such strong role models The best of luck to you x

KepekCrumbs · 04/02/2014 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meerka · 04/02/2014 19:20

sending me awful texts and on one occasion physicaly forcing me out of the bedroom and ending up with me on the floor and his hands around my neck.

and he has said he doesn't consider it abuse - he says my rejection of him pushed him to that.

My husband has said he will tell them it's my doing if I don't say it myself

christ .... Ok, he's a solid scummy shit. At least you clearly realise that!

but his words about me being selfish just hit home no. no. no. no. You are not being selfish.

remember the old phrase when he tells you he loves you : "if you really love someone, let them go"

Violence? emotional blackmail? He does not love you at all.

LadyInDisguise · 04/02/2014 19:34

I actually think that there are a lot if people out there in the same situation than you OP.

The only way to make it work is for you to find a way to be happy within that arrangement. And that will only happen if you don't resent still being with your DH , even though I guess that he is annoying you, and if your DH doesn't resent living with you (why is he not asking to end the relationship btw? Is he happy with the way things are?).
It is a tall order for anyone to carry on living with someone when you are nit in love and are getting annoyed and irritated by them.

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