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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help me to tell him its over

25 replies

wonderingwendy · 02/02/2014 16:08

have been married for 16yrs and we have 3 kids ages 15, 12&7
I don't love, like or respect my husband.
mostly because of past issues (his gambling and getting me in such debt I had to go bankrupt.
unforgivable.
we have split up twice in the last 4 yrs most recently in the summer of last year.
we went to relate and after six weeks of expense and getting no where we stopped and although things improved for a while its now awful.
I accidentally got pregnant in Sept last year and the thought of having a baby with him filled me with horror. I had a termination in December and am so sure I made the right decision.
he wasn't supportive when I was going through all this.
my family and friends all know how unhappy I am and urge me to get a divorce.
I want this too but there are some factors that make it hard.
he is foreign and so has no family here and the only friends he has are work colleagues so he will have no where to live.
our son is in his final year at school with exam stress to worry about and I fear this will make him even more stressed.
the first time we split he threatened to kill himself and ended up in a mental health hospital.
I need to do this for me , for my own sanity I can't grow old with him, the very idea of that scares the hell out of me.
how do I get the words out ?
he knows I don't love him or fancy him but he just seems to brush this under the carpet. he never takes my feelings on board.
would appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
Allofaflumble · 02/02/2014 16:14

I really feel for you. Do you have any friends in RL you can confide in?

You need to think of your own mental health. Life is so short, can you afford to waste yours, feeling as you do?

Work out a strategy. A time frame for you to take the steps necessary to end it. Don't tell him at the moment, but build up your confidence in the meantime and think about how you will manage.

Do you own the property or rent. Are you joint tenants?

Remember you can do this, it may take a little time, but in the long run you will feel free of all this stress. There is nothing like being around a man you no longer desire or respect to sap your energy and self esteem.

Original poster
wonderingwendy · 02/02/2014 16:21

yes I talk to my sister, mum and best friend.
I do have a plan.i am hoping to get a new job at the place my sister works so I won't be worried about finances so much.i geuss benefits will cover some of it.
we are in a council house as joint tennants, what if he refuses to leave ? , how do I get him off the tenancy?
im also trying to put aside some money for when the time comes.
he is being a nightmare at the moment as I refuse to have sex with him due to him making my skin crawl and being terrified of falling pregnant again.
kids don't even like him much and told me off for taking him back the last time.

OP posts:
Allofaflumble · 02/02/2014 16:37

Bad news that he is on the tenancy :( - that does complicate things.

You might have to take a trip to citizens advice to find out what you can do?

Good job though that the kids are with you and will be a support to you when you make the move.

One can only hope that if you keep denying sex, he will find someone else of his own accord!!

Stay strong. Millions of women have done what you want to do - it will just take some time.

DoNotTellDH · 02/02/2014 16:42

Urgh, serve the divorce petition? You would have to list grounds for unreasonable behaviour though.

myroomisatip · 02/02/2014 16:48

I know how you feel, my Ex was the same. We would have 'the conversation' and the next day he would act as if it never happened. It takes all the control away from you :(

It takes a lot of determination to get the ball rolling when you have to live together too. I ended up really ill with the stress.

It helps to go to the CAB, Solicitor, GP, (my GP arranged counselling which helped me a lot), the more information you have the stronger you feel. And gradually do less and less for him, washing, cooking etc. Do you sleep in a separate room? Can you?

I cut myself off as much as I could (hence my MN name as I spent almost all my time in my room when he was home).

Original poster
wonderingwendy · 02/02/2014 16:48

what grounds could I use though?

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingwendy · 02/02/2014 16:52

yes I will go see a solicitor.
would love to not sleep in the same postal code as him but as it is we are on sofa bed in the living room as kids have a room each upstairs.
he knows how I feel and yet wakes me every night trying it on and as I hate confrontation I don't say stop I just roll over and mumble something about being cold, hot, needing a wee anything to distract him.

OP posts:
DoNotTellDH · 02/02/2014 16:53

Anything within the last 6 months, lack of emtional support/involvement you can cite the abortion with that.

What ever it is that is making it unbearable to live with him.

A decent solicitor should be able to help you?

DoNotTellDH · 02/02/2014 16:54

hassling you about sex is a reason.

I would get a single mattress and start sleeping in with one of your dc.

Original poster
wonderingwendy · 02/02/2014 16:58

this sounds bad but I need to make it a bit further before I start to sleep elsewhere as I need to get this job sorted (early march) thats even if i get it !
he gets a bonus from work at the end of march so I want to say to him use your bonus to find another place to live.

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingwendy · 02/02/2014 16:59

and because its been no sex since Sept he keeps accusing me of getting it elsewhere! !
im not as im so scared of getting pregnant.

OP posts:
DoNotTellDH · 02/02/2014 17:03

If he leaves then you can claim benefits surely as you're renting?

Accusations of being unfaithful, more unreasonable behaviour.

If you don't cite within 6 months then you can't use it as unreasonable behaviour.

You could file end of Feb??? You really need to see a solicitor.

Original poster
wonderingwendy · 02/02/2014 17:09

what is irreconcilable differences?
would I have to mention sex to a solicitor oh how embarrassing.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/02/2014 17:43

I got some advice on this here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/1873393-Grounds-for-Divorce-unreasonable-behaviour

Original poster
wonderingwendy · 07/02/2014 18:08

so I put on my big girl panties and told him I want a divorce. much awfulness followed lots of nasty comments from him to me.we have agreed to co habit until his bonus comes in at the end of march.
he keeps wanting to talk the minute I start to fall asleep which is horrible and then he will try to grope me ???? its unbelievable !!!
how many times can you tell someone I dont love or fancy you before they understand? ?Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/02/2014 19:43

Can you not sleep on one of the dc floor?

Or don't pull out the sofa bed, one sleep on the sofa one on a single mattress of sorts on the floor?

Cabrinha · 07/02/2014 19:52

You've done the hard bit, well done. Now that it's definite, you can tell your children. And then sleep in with one of them. Groping when you have told him "no" is sexual assault, and disgusting.

Oh and don't worry about the solicitor - they've heard it all. I had to tell mine my husband preferred prostitutes. My friend had to tell her solicitor the husband preferred male prostitutes. Like I say - they've heard it all!

ROARmeow · 07/02/2014 19:54

You sound a lot like my parents.

Mum trying to work up courage over and over again to boot out my dad, and him 'forgetting' each time.

No advice for you, OP. But good luck and keep your eye on the goal for yourself and your DC.

Tinks42 · 07/02/2014 19:57

Good god OP, he's a total arse, why are you concerned with him not having family here or where he might go..... get him out!

Tinks42 · 07/02/2014 20:00

Do not share a bed with him ever again, go and get a camp bed.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 07/02/2014 20:42

Swap one DC's bed into the living room and put the sofa bed in their room. DCs share and you and your OH have a bed each.

If he tries it on, don't make any excuse, just tell him No and keep a diary note of it.

Don't be embarrassed about the facts of your life, they're the tools now to get the end result you need.

Original poster
wonderingwendy · 09/02/2014 16:49

so today is food shop day and he only gave me one third of the usual food budgetSad
what can I do ?
its all getting too much the tension is awfulSad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/02/2014 16:58

I guess don't feed him and tell him why! Stop doing anything for him at all.

If you are living seperately but still under the same roof you can claim benefits as a lone parent. Sooner you serve the divorce papers the better.

Original poster
wonderingwendy · 24/02/2014 16:56

its all turned ugly as I knew it would. we are joint tennants and as far as the council and solicitors is concerned I can't get him out and its hellish.
he is being rude to me and shouting at me in front of the kids Sad awful stuff.
controlling me money wise.unless he has hit me or sexually abused me I have no hope of ever getting help with solicitors fees to help me bring him to court.
I feel so helpless any ideas ?

OP posts:
hoppingElephant · 25/02/2014 20:15

Sorry OP no ideas but hope you're ok x

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