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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So what happens if...

31 replies

Thegoatprophecy · 02/02/2014 01:12

..a guy you (really) like- and who apparently really does genuinely like you- has just finished a very bad relationship and says he does not want another relationship right now 'but it will happen' (with you)? I.e. do you wait around for him to decide that he feels ready (taking him at his word of course) or do you conclude that he's not that into you and get out there and go dating others to get over him- even though your heart's not in it and you don't want to mess other people around :/

OP posts:

KittyAndTheFontanelles · 02/02/2014 02:47

This was the situation with my brother and his now wife. They waited, were 'exclusive friends' so to speak, then got together about 19 months later. It can work if both are equally invested in it.

Takingbackmonday · 02/02/2014 03:11

Agree with kitty.

It can work if you're both honest and you communicate

akawisey · 02/02/2014 08:24

No, no, no. Read your OP again. He likes you but he's just not that into you.

Morgause · 02/02/2014 08:28

Sounds like he wants to keep you on the back burner in case he can't find anyone else.

Hassled · 02/02/2014 08:30

Life is just way too short to hang around waiting for a guy who may or may not be into you enough to justify a relationship.

I think if he liked you "enough" that would be enough to outweigh the bad relationship, IYSWIM.

OuterFromOutersville · 02/02/2014 08:31

If he was jumping straight into another relationship, everyone would be saying that it was too soon!

I think he's doing the right thing for him. But I don't think that he can ask you to wait for him with the promise of a possible relationship. Does he expect you to wait for him?

MairzyDoats · 02/02/2014 08:33

I'd be seeing what else was out there to be honest. It's not a good idea to be hanging around waiting for someone to make their mind up. And, if he's genuine, it might just be the kick up the bum he needs.

OuterFromOutersville · 02/02/2014 08:39

Also what Mairzy said (fab username ).

Logg1e · 02/02/2014 08:46

His presumption would piss me off. Even if he has the best of intentions in not starting to see you straightaway, he's wrong to think you'll sit around waiting and still be available on his timescale.

Lweji · 02/02/2014 08:54

From what you say, the conversation didn't include the word "you", just generic terms about relationship.
And when you say just finished, how long ago was it?

Original poster

Thegoatprophecy · 02/02/2014 09:10

Thanks for the valuable input. Hmm I wondered about the back burner thing. To clarify though, he said 'it will happen with you'. Which makes it worse because that makes me want to hang on; but of course it's doing my head in and I could hang around moping for 6 months or a year or whatever. We have been seeing each other as friends for 3 months and he does really like my company and does fancy me. He only finished the very bad relationship on New Years Eve so very recently. I think he thinks I will wait because I have been upfront about how much I like him (I don't like games) and I have said that I was not interested in meeting a bloke until I met him, which was true. He is also worried I am vulnerable for various reasons which I'm not. I am going to try dating just to get out and meet people and maybe it will concentrate his mind as was mentioned? The trouble is I have never met a man I have really liked before so doubt I will like anyone else enough. And I really dont want to lead people on if I am still in love with someone else :(

OP posts:

Ragwort · 02/02/2014 09:14

It depends how important having a 'man in your life' is, you could just say to him, OK, contact me again in six months & we can review the situation (sounds like a job application ) and then just get on with enjoying the rest of your life without actively seeking to 'date' anyone.

Let him realise that you are confident, independent woman and hainvg a boyfriend is not the priority in your life.

Original poster

Thegoatprophecy · 02/02/2014 09:18

Good advice and I genuinely didn't want a boyfriend until him..The thing is I value his friendship so don't want to lose contact for 6 months. He does already know I am the confident independent woman who doesn't need a man!

OP posts:

Original poster

Thegoatprophecy · 02/02/2014 09:19

I have acted cool and said that I understand and friends is fine!

OP posts:

WeAreDetective · 02/02/2014 09:25

There's no doubt that, if he has come out of a bad relationship it's in his (and your) best interest to get his head sorted before thinking about starting again.

But equally he could be just hedging his bets!

Personally, I would take him at his word, back right off and get on with your life. He knows where you are if he wants to see you.

AuntieStella · 02/02/2014 09:25

There's often advice here for women leaving a relationship to take a bit of time and reconnect with themselves before embarking on a new relationship. It sounds like he is doing the same.

Stay friends. See what happens. But keep seeing other people too, and be open to the idea that someone you really, really fancy might turn up.

DuskAndShiver · 02/02/2014 09:30

I think you should get out there. Have dates and make friends. You may get together with him when he is ready but he might never be ready. In the meantime don't put your life on hold. Be honest but kind

Original poster

Thegoatprophecy · 02/02/2014 09:31

What brilliant advice, thank you so much! The trouble is, the only other relationship I have had was an abusive one, so I do feel heartbroken that this one might not happen- especially when I never normally like any blokes. I am definitely going to take the advice thank you :)

OP posts:

DuskAndShiver · 02/02/2014 09:32

I know he has only just got out of that relationship, but I really think that the most enormous amount of time is wasted by people stringing other people along (not knowingly, they just always "aren't ready"). It might only be a month now but it can turn into 10 years. I have seen men do this as long as they are allowed to with woman after woman. A friend of mine very sadly broke up with a man who was "just not ready to take it to the next level" for a year and a half, and a year later she was happily married with a baby (to someone else) and he was doing the same thing to another woman. I bet he is doing it to someone now

WeAreDetective · 02/02/2014 09:36

Yeah, but if he really does see you as a long term future...he'll be in contact.

I was in his situation, met my now DH too soon when I still had loads to sort out...but I could not keep away. It felt like I was being pulled over a cliff and could not stop it happening.

If he is for real, then you must learn to trust him. If he's stringing you along, then you need to find out sooner rather than later.

Both of these involve you backing off.

BigBoPeep · 02/02/2014 09:36

I don't know from a male POV but I was like this with DH, I'd just come out of a horrendous relationship and was determined to be single and get myself straightened out before committing to someone else. He waited patiently, didnt change anything and within a few weeks I broke and we got together - best decision ever

KittyAndTheFontanelles · 02/02/2014 12:20

In my brother's case one was going through a divorce and the other had health issues. It was never a case of hedging bets or playing the field. I'm afraid I don't agree with most of what has been said. What is the point of 'dating' just for the sake of it if goat is seriously interested in someone else? I certainly wouldn't do that. There's no evidence that he is keeping goat on any back burner either.

Goat, when you say you are in love with someone else, did you mean him?

Original poster

Thegoatprophecy · 02/02/2014 12:26

Kitty yes I meant him. You make a good point but he presumably could keep me hanging on for years, how long to wait if I did go that route? I guess your advice is still to back off though, just not to date..

OP posts:

Original poster

Thegoatprophecy · 02/02/2014 12:29

The other reason i thought I should date is that I am new to the area and know next to no one here, so am theoretically a bit too dependent on this man for friendship. I thought dating might be one of several good ways to get out and meet more people locally..

OP posts:

KittyAndTheFontanelles · 02/02/2014 12:51

Meeting new people is essential if you are new to the area but I wouldn't do it by 'dating'. Seems unfair to the other person on the date and would give your man the wrong idea. Would you want him to date?

I wouldn't back off though either. I would spend time with him as much as seemed natural to you both. Do whatever it is you would do; hang out, theatre, club, cinema, walking, talking board games, cooking, restaurants whatever. Just not sex, obviously, as that would muddy the waters.

I agree that it could potentially go on forever but I don't think it will. I would recommend you agree with him a timescale to review how you both feel. The timescale is up to you, a month six, year whatever works. After that you can make another decision. That way he knows it isn't an indefinite waiting on your part. By the way, I'm only advocating this on the proviso that he is exclusively not seeing anyone else either. If he is then cancel the above.

How long have you known him? Apologies if I've missed this. I'm posting in the quiet times between juggling a toddler and a newborn

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