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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He finally admitted it

34 replies

MamaPingu · 01/02/2014 20:31

After over a year of torture DP has finally confirmed my suspicions that he did cheat while I was pregnant.
It wasn't sex (apparently, although I know a lot of people don't confess the full story) but he kissed someone when I was 12 weeks pregnant. He has crushed me Sad
I genuinely think that's it now, every partner I've had has cheated and this has made it so much worse that our son is involved. So I think learning to be alone will do me the world of good, I can't have this happen again.

I found it hard to leave him as I had an inkling something had happened but hadn't a clue what.

I have told him it is over. If he had told me immediately and truly regretted it there would be a chance I'd have forgiven him. But he kept it secret knowing I was miserable and begging him to tell me what he was lying about. He also messaged (not particularly bad messages, but not acceptable ones either) two ex's just weeks before I had our beautiful DS.

I hate him so much, but I feel like there is a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel quite depressed currently but hopefully this will be the start of some happiness for once.

He has offered to help out financially which is another weight off my shoulders. I'm pretty much used to being a single parent so that's no issue.

I just kind of feel embarrassed now with how things have gone. DS hasn't even reached 5 months Sad

I don't know what I'm meant to do now. I'm just hurting and feeling angry and wondering what else has been hidden although I don't want to care.

What do I do now? The house feels very empty and lonely.
I know I will be much better alone in the long run, I just feel like everyone should know what he has done but I don't want people to hate him for it. I just don't want people to even think for a second this was my fault Angry

How do I tell people?

What do I do now?

OP posts:
Logg1e · 01/02/2014 20:40

"Help out" financially?

Logg1e · 01/02/2014 20:42

OP, How do I tell people?

What people are you thinking about? I would tell some people the absolute, unadulterated truth, let some read between the lines (if they're interested) and not tell others anything.

Logg1e · 01/02/2014 20:43

Oh, and what do you do now? I think you focus on your son and you, hibernate for a few weeks and take whatever time you want before you come to any big decisions about anything. Do you have that luxury?

Fifyfomum · 01/02/2014 20:44

He should definitely be supporting you and his son until a time when you can go back to work and then he should definitely still be supporting his son.

This is not 'helping out' this is his responsibility and don't let him tell you different.

Have you discussed contact?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/02/2014 20:44

People won't think it's your fault MamaPingu, they will know that it's his fault because it is. I don't believe it was just a kiss; he's confessed to that bit only.

I'm sorry for your sadness. Start by telling your family and friends and never mind if they hate him and have no respect. He had none for you and your family that you were creating together.

There will be some very wise posters along in a minute to guide you on the practicalities. I would accept nothing this man says as indicative of what he will do for you - get legal help and advice on that.

Whatever your relationship is or was, you have your son because of it. Focus on that.

Only1scoop · 01/02/2014 20:46

Op you have absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about. Tell your Rl friends and family and get support around you.

Lweji · 01/02/2014 20:50

On one hand I initially thought it was just a kiss, but then if he took one year to admit to that, I'd really suspect it was more than that.
He doesn't seem that great, if you are already used to being a single parent, he lied for a whole year and offered to "help out" financially.

Regardless of what happens or you say in relation to others, make sure you are financially protected and you get all the contributions from him that your son and you deserve.

You will be ok. Take your time and settle before you face people, if you find it hard.

Original poster
MamaPingu · 01/02/2014 20:54

By help out financially he is giving me quite a lot of money I meant, as he will have to live with his parents for a while meaning so he'll have a bit more spare money. it will be enough for me to make the house a lovely home for me and DS (a lot of work is needed, it wasn't in great condition when we moved in).

I'm sorry I am on my iphone so it is difficult to directly reply to people without cancelling what I've written so far to check names.

I am lucky that yes I can hide out of the way for a while whilst I get used to thinking we aren't together anymore and get my head around it. I don't return to work until may fortunately.

The people I worry about telling are my parents and other family members mainly. I don't want them to worry about me and feel sorry for me although I know they will.

I keep feeling very high and happy like everything is wonderful as I feel less stressed out than I did. But then I keep going very low and angry.

It sounds daft but I feel ok because I know I could have him back in a second if I wanted, but I think it'll hurt when he no longer wants me. As daft as that sounds, it'd just add insult to injury even though I do not wish for him back.

I feel like I want all his family to know so they have no reason to dislike me for his. I won't tell them as I don't think it's my place, but I dislike that they'll think it's mutual HmmSad

OP posts:
Logg1e · 01/02/2014 21:05

I'd take his guilt money as a nest egg.

I would ride the wave of emotions. Confide in your loved ones, sympathy isn't the same as pity.

And I'd ask him what reason he's giving his parents for the split. I bet he won't tell them the truth (I don't think I would).

Original poster
MamaPingu · 01/02/2014 21:14

I don't think I'd tell my parents either, it's an awful thing to do anyway even when you don't have a baby! I'd be incredibly ashamed of myself.

I just hate the thought of people thinking we've decided to split instead of knowing he's ruined our family.

I actually don't feel like this has sunk in yet, it was only last night he admitted it after me hounding him to tell me as I was at breaking point. It feels like I'm talking as if it's someone else Confused

OP posts:
Onesleeptillwembley · 01/02/2014 21:17

Fwiw if he's admitted to kissing one person AND messaged two others that you know about, there will more than likely be more that you don't know. Thanks For you.

Logg1e · 01/02/2014 21:20

What will you say when they ask?

I really do feel for you.

Original poster
MamaPingu · 01/02/2014 21:24

I just want to know the truth so bad. It really shouldn't matter but my mind won't stop imagining what happened and wondering what I was doing at the time. Most likely sat at home being a burden and growing his child, no biggy!

I'm not sure what I will say to people. Has anyone any ideas? Something that suggests it was him but nothing bitter sounding? Shock

Friends and family I think I will just tell the truth as much as I don't want to Confused

OP posts:
Logg1e · 01/02/2014 21:27

I just want to know the truth so bad.

I was just the same. It was like a scab I couldn't stop picking.

Original poster
MamaPingu · 01/02/2014 21:40

Thank you for your support, it's kind of silly because I suppose I know what to do, just suck it up and get on with my life. But it helps to have someone to talk to while I get my head around this until I feel ready to tell my friends and family.

Any ideas for what to say when people ask who I don't really want to give the whole story but let them know it wasn't my fault would be brill

OP posts:
Logg1e · 01/02/2014 21:44

How about, "It's not worked out, obviously this wouldn't have been my choice given that Ben's only 5 months. I'm sure you'll understand that I don't really want to talk about it... so, how's the new job?"?

But only if they've got a new job, obviously.

Original poster
MamaPingu · 01/02/2014 21:56

Maybe suggesting they have a new job anyway may confuse them into walking away puzzled and leaving me alone? Wink

But on a serious note I think along the lines of that is spot on. Depending on who it is I can always throw in a "it was his doing"

OP posts:
Aloneandnowwhat · 01/02/2014 22:13

Hi I just wanted to offer my support. My ex admitted to cheating three weeks ago and like you it was a huge relief to know I wasn't crazy.
I have two children, 2.5yo and 6mo. It's been difficult, especially after the first few days when there was lots to think about and do practically. I think the hard part is now, the reality of every day life as a single parent. But for what it's worth I'm happier than I have been in months and I'm showing my children how not to be a doormat.
I don't have any useful advice, just that it'll be worth it in the end.

Cabrinha · 01/02/2014 22:18

I feel really impressed by you reading this, and more than a little jealous! How refreshing not to hear "it was only a kiss and a few messages, I'm hoping we can work it out" - it's lovely to see someone value themselves, when I didn't, enough.
Well done you!
As to telling people... It would be OK to be bitter / sound bitter! You have no shame here. I would just be honest. "I found out that he was cheating, so I ended it - but I'd really rather not talk about it - how the new job?"
It doesn't make you look bitter to tell the truth.

Original poster
MamaPingu · 01/02/2014 22:32

Thank you Cabrinha. I wish I had even more respect for myself and ended when my spidey senses were tingling. I KNEW he was lying about something.
Even I have been worried I would just take him back after what he has done and maybe if he'd told me immediately I would have. But it's the lying and how much I begged and begged for him to end my misery, it took far too long and ruined too many of the first days of my sons life.

It's made me happy someone thinks well of me for standing up for myself. I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I can't trust.

I just hope others admire me for it too. I get the feeling some may think ooh she's given up on her sons father just for a kiss etc.
If that is the case I'm not sure what I will say but I will think of something!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2014 22:50

You stick to your guns. I admire you for your stance and your realisation that the first days of your baby's life, that you should always have been able to look back on as a wonderful and precious time, have been ruined by his selfish behaviour

For what ?

he is pathetic, and you are worth a thousand of him

AnyFucker · 01/02/2014 22:51

also, it doesn't matter what other people think

they don't have to look at this his cheating mug over the cornflakes

Original poster
MamaPingu · 01/02/2014 22:54

Thankyou AnyFucker, I've seen you on relationship threads a lot since joining MN and know you are very good with advice in this area.

Thank you for sticking up for me and encouraging me.
The hard part when you have children is still having to see them when things are a still a bit raw.
I think me and him will still remain friends in a fashion which works perfectly for me.

No more stress from a shitty relationship but I think being comfortable as friends will be good for DS too

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaPingu · 01/02/2014 22:56

AnyFucker - very true. People think oh it was only a kiss? It's the lying that hurts the most, he has seen me crying my eyes out over his secrets for many months now and didn't have the respect for the mother of his child to end her misery.
I think that makes all the difference Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2014 22:56

if it works for you to remain friends then go for it

sometimes it's best to let the dust settle for a while though before that can happen, as it can often muddy the water

whatever you decide, make sure it is on your terms

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