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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just found out what he's really telling people

47 replies

brittanyspierce · 01/02/2014 01:17

Sorry, just need a bit of a rant.

I split from my exH a couple of months ago after 12 months of trying desperately to save our 10 year marriage.

The persistant arguement has been do with a lack of sex as I just have no interest in it. It had been this way for a while but got worse after our DS was born 3 years ago. I was very self conscious as had gained a lot of weight and was always tired.

I couldn't cope with the days of sulking when I rejected his advances and eventually just started having sex even when I wasn't in the mood. Then the sulking about a lack of sex was replaced with sulking about the quality of sex. How I never initiated anything and didn't seem to enjoy it.

After 12 months of telling me what a crap wife I was a minor arguement triggered another full scale arguement about how crap our sex life was and exH told me it was over. I didn't bother fighting for him this time. I was relieved to be able to face the new year without him.

Ex moved out to a rented flat and is pretty much starting again in terms of furnishing it. This was his choice. I didn't throw him out and did ask several times if we were being to hasty but he was adamant that he needed his space.

Today I was talking to a mutual friend who informed me I was being very unfair to exH making him leave the family home and live like a porper. When I probed a bit further I discovered that he's been telling people it was a mutual decision to separate but that I forced him to move out with nothing!!

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 01/02/2014 01:20

Why do you care what other people think?

ChippingInWadesIn · 01/02/2014 01:30

I hope you put her straight.

Most ex's don't tell the truth, just set the people straight who you care about, leave the others to fester.

Try not to take it personally that he's a git that can't lie straight in bed.

Original poster
brittanyspierce · 01/02/2014 01:30

It's not so much that I care but I'm being confronted by people I thought were friends telling me I'm out of order. I'm just pissed off that he's making himself out to be a victim in all of this.

OP posts:
HeartShapedBox · 01/02/2014 01:34

tell them to go fly a fucking kite!

none of their business, ffs.

Original poster
brittanyspierce · 01/02/2014 01:36

chipping I did put her straight. I probably told her far more than she wanted or needed to know but hey, If she wants to gossip she's got plenty to talk about now.

I have tried so hard not to bad mouth ex to anyone especially mutual friends as they shouldn't have to get involved but now I'm having to defend myself or face a lifetime of being referred to as an evil bitch.

OP posts:
2Retts · 01/02/2014 01:38

I agree with bunchoffives! There's very little you can do about what he tells people.

When I split from DC's dad after a similar amount of time (he got the house and contents and I moved with them!), he told everybody I 'had been having an affair for over a year' (I hadn't, and spent many years single and celebate raising our DCs), I was 'exploring with women' (I wasn't), I had 'left the DCs with her boyfriend to join a religious sect in Calcutta for a year' (after I disappeared out of town...to another town in the UK)...seriously?!

I'm sure there were more, these were just the ones I heard about.

It always has to be somebody else's fault, it couldn't possibly be that BOTH of us simply couldn't make it work anymore because he was a contolling dick, I was about ready to murder.

Don't fret about such things and trust that the people who love and support you (you know, the ones that actually matter) will know it's all bollocks one-sided nonsense.

Best of luck and find a way to laugh through the more ludicrous claims, it certainly helped me.

Original poster
brittanyspierce · 01/02/2014 01:47

You're right, he could have been saying far worse things about me. I think I'm more upset that my friend believed him.

OP posts:
springysofa · 01/02/2014 02:04

Of course you are! And of course most of us we mind what people think of us - especially as he's spreading some hideous (and completely unnecessary) lies about you.

You sound well out of it love. Nasty piece of work imo.

2Retts · 01/02/2014 02:07

That's how you know who your true (dependable) friends are through this season in your life...at least, that's what I realised...my charmer ex had more 'friends' than I appeared to have out of our circle. It was ok though, I found better friends; I'm certain you will too brittanyspierce!

PS I love your NN...a tribute to Brittany from Glee? Loved that episode; such a Gleek

Original poster
brittanyspierce · 01/02/2014 06:42

2Retts yes. Another Gleek here!
I have been so surprised by the reaction of some friends. I had thought it was because they've known us as a couple for so long that they found it difficult spending time with us independently. But after yesterday I'm starting to wonder if there's more to it. however, if they're prepared to believe that about me they don't know me very well and aren't true friends.

OP posts:
Meatfeastpizza · 01/02/2014 07:10

Your friends think you should have moved out and started again with a 3year old, leaving your ex in a comfortable family home? Hmm I think you are better off without him, or them.

mrsericnorthmaniwish · 01/02/2014 07:22

I have had this - only I have discovered that during our whole marriage he was telling his family a load of lies about me, he blamed me entirely for everything and told his family that it was my fault we never see them cause I forbid him to go and see them,he doesn't have any friends because I won't let him go out - there is more but they are a couple. Now he is living in our family home and I have had to leave with dcs, I have no idea what he is now telling people but like you it does bother me, I shouldn't care but I still do because I don't like lies:( I am hoping in time I will find it easier and hopefully you will find the same too Thanks

Lovingfreedom · 01/02/2014 08:08

Say something like 'ah yes well that's his version' and then change the subject. Most people realise there's more than one version of events. It doesn't matter if his friends side with him.

ALittleStranger · 01/02/2014 09:00

Oh OP you've had a tough time, but I think you're focusing your efforts in the wrong place.

Do you not feel like it was a mutual split? It seems like a very sad situation and your marriage had broken down and it was better for both of you that it ended. Someome is always going to have to blink first in those situations, but I imagine mutual friends won't see it as him deserting you. They probably feel for the both of you.

Yes he moved out and it wouldn't have been practical for him to keep the family home and you and your DS to go into a flat, but again mutual friends are probably wondering why he couldn't take a few bits and pieces from your joint home.

It's a tough time to go through OP, but there are no baddies. Be pleased you have friends to support both of you, don't try and make them pick sides.

livingzuid · 01/02/2014 09:17

Wow how about her minding her own business? It may not matter but it sure must be hurtful to hear after everything. The only people who dared comment on the supposed state of my relationship with XH after my divorce were my immediate family and I quickly put them straight as to my opinion on their very misguided views and said only him and me really knew and I wasn't going to discuss it further. My friends kept a very tactful silence and just let me vent when I needed to.

I can't imagine that she can be that good a friend to tell you off about your own relationship with your ex. Some people are just annoying busybodies too busy enjoying dissecting other people's lives to see the gaping flaws in their own.

Have any of your other friends said anything to you?

livingzuid · 01/02/2014 09:20

Should add it is really hurtful to hear people who you care about think so low of you. It's understandable why you are Shock

But I would tell her it's none of her affair and not up for debate! It makes him look bad to be going around during saying that. Boy who cried wolf and all that. It will come back round to him in the end.

Original poster
brittanyspierce · 01/02/2014 09:40

stranger I do feel it was a mutual split albeit pushed for over a long period of time by ex. I certainly don't feel that he abandoned me, but it was his choice to leave and he has taken some bits from our home. I don't see why he feels the need to make out that I'm the bad guy.

OP posts:
iamonthepursuitofhappiness · 01/02/2014 13:35

Well he is just deflecting the reality of the situation isn't he, its as simple as that.

I wouldn't say anything to him or enter into conversations with others about it as it is between you and the reality of the situation that he has concocted in his head is different to yours. If people say anything to you, i'd just say 'Oh, is that what he told you, well, there are two sides to every story....'. Let them think what they think, fuck 'em!

Thumbwitch · 01/02/2014 13:40

One of the most depressing aspects of any kind of relationship breakdown is how some people are all too ready to accept the most outlandish gossip!
People who do that are either just salacious gossip mongers, or sheep. Either way, they don't make good friends so probably best to cool it off with them and find new ones who don't know your ex, or who do at least know the truth and believe it!

It's a shame to say it but that thing about a lie being halfway around the world before the truth has its boots on is just so true.
Also, shit sticks, however undeserved it is. :(

mrsericnorthmaniwish · 01/02/2014 20:27

It's easier to blame you than face up to his own shortcomings, much easier to say all your fault then he doesn't have to explain himself

BlueSparklyNails · 02/02/2014 03:00

Something doesn't add up here.

How can you say I split from my exH a couple of months ago after 12 months of trying desperately to save our 10 year marriage when you openly admit you have no interest in maintaining an intimacy with him, do not like sex and resent his "sulking" when you won't put out?

To me, that doesn't smack of trying desperately to save your marriage.

Mmmm.

Custardo · 02/02/2014 03:06

"put out?"

nobber.

Custardo · 02/02/2014 03:07

To save your marriage you must have sex or you aren't trying and its all your fault Hmm

double nobber bullshit nobber

Thumbwitch · 02/02/2014 03:13

Agree with Custardo.

BlueSparklyNails · 02/02/2014 03:18

Yes, sorry and all that, but sex is a fundamental and important part of a mutually respectful adult relationship. The only exception being when both partners agree it's not something either of them wants.

The words the OP used were "desperately" trying to save her marriage. Perhaps just the wrong use of words.

Btw, nobber isn't a word.

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