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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've just found out what he's really telling people

47 replies

brittanyspierce · 01/02/2014 01:17

Sorry, just need a bit of a rant.

I split from my exH a couple of months ago after 12 months of trying desperately to save our 10 year marriage.

The persistant arguement has been do with a lack of sex as I just have no interest in it. It had been this way for a while but got worse after our DS was born 3 years ago. I was very self conscious as had gained a lot of weight and was always tired.

I couldn't cope with the days of sulking when I rejected his advances and eventually just started having sex even when I wasn't in the mood. Then the sulking about a lack of sex was replaced with sulking about the quality of sex. How I never initiated anything and didn't seem to enjoy it.

After 12 months of telling me what a crap wife I was a minor arguement triggered another full scale arguement about how crap our sex life was and exH told me it was over. I didn't bother fighting for him this time. I was relieved to be able to face the new year without him.

Ex moved out to a rented flat and is pretty much starting again in terms of furnishing it. This was his choice. I didn't throw him out and did ask several times if we were being to hasty but he was adamant that he needed his space.

Today I was talking to a mutual friend who informed me I was being very unfair to exH making him leave the family home and live like a porper. When I probed a bit further I discovered that he's been telling people it was a mutual decision to separate but that I forced him to move out with nothing!!

OP posts:

StUmbrageinSkelt · 02/02/2014 03:41

Knobber is though and it suits you BSN.

perfectstorm · 02/02/2014 04:25

Yes, sorry and all that, but sex is a fundamental and important part of a mutually respectful adult relationship. The only exception being when both partners agree it's not something either of them wants.

Absolutely. Which is why badgering an exhausted new mother with body image issues into having sex with you (instead of trying to focus on reigniting the sort of intimacy and connection that makes sex palatable) followed by whining that her giving in to being treated like a sexual slot machine makes the sex less exciting because she's not enjoying it enough is, perhaps, neither mutual nor respectful. And would in turn kill desire yet more.

And if sex to you consists of "putting out" then I am quite genuinely sad. It's not meant to be that way. It should be about sharing and communicating and mutual pleasure - not providing a commodity. If it's so fundamental and important, then both parties have an obligation to meet the other's sexual needs, and that would (as this ex knows, given his anger at her not enjoying it) include emotional.

Original poster

brittanyspierce · 02/02/2014 10:49

BSN are you my ex? Because he thought just like you!
There were a lot of problems in our relationship. I don't deny that some of those problems related to me and how I felt about myself. However, I was trying to work on those whilst he had already emotionally left. He told me that things could get better if I changed. The truth was that he didn't believe that and just wanted more sex He genuinely didn't and still doesn't see that it was a problem that we needed to work on.
Since we split he has openly admitted that he didn't love me any more and had actively chosen to withdraw intimacy as there was no reward for him. Whilst still giving me a hard time that he wasn't getting enough.
Also, I wasn't clear but we did have sex, sometimes it was even initiated by me (admittedly rarely) but we had mismatched sex drives and he always wanted more than me.

OP posts:

Original poster

brittanyspierce · 02/02/2014 10:53

OP posts:

BlueSparklyNails · 03/02/2014 00:41

I stand by my original comment that you haven't "desperately tried to save your marriage" when clearly you haven't recognised the fact that sex is a normal part of any relationship. Whether he has or hasn't said those things about you is another thing but please don't play the victim then try to pass some irrelevant frivolous piece of blame back onto him. Own it.

FabULouse · 03/02/2014 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

perfectstorm · 03/02/2014 00:59

when clearly you haven't recognised the fact that sex is a normal part of any relationship.

Sorry, but the OP is not the one whose sexual boundaries are all out of whack. Sex is not a commodity, and it is a normal part of any relationship with a functional level of intimacy. The fact you say a woman should "put out" like a blow up doll is, to be honest, horrifying to anyone with the least idea of what a good, healthy, functional sexual relationship is. It's part of the whole, not a detachable, bolt-on subset.

perfectstorm · 03/02/2014 01:02

Never a good idea to project your own issues onto a poster's completely different and separate experiences, BlueSparklyNails. Especially when you only ever had one side of the story to begin with.

Contrarian78 · 03/02/2014 10:41

Without reference ot the op (who seems actually to have acknowledged her part in the situation) these boards are full of people projecting their own issues onto posters' completely different and separate experiences [having only had] one side of the story to begin with.

perfectstorm · 03/02/2014 17:00

Oh, absolutely - and I'm pretty sure you loftily explain as much on a semi-regular basis (though I'm hopeless at usernames, so if it isn't you, apologies). However in this instance the sheer anger aimed at the OP does seem a tad disproportionate. And I wanted to make that view known. I wasn't aware that required your consent?

Original poster

brittanyspierce · 03/02/2014 18:13

BSN I don't see myself as a victim and I'm not in any way saying that our relationship ended solely because of my ex.

We actually commenced psychosexual counselling and the counsellor suggested that I was subconsciously avoiding sex due to exs negative behaviour. Ex decided not to go back after that session

I am still addressing the things that were holding me back. I've lost around 1 and 1/2 stone and I am able to have some time for myself when ex has ds so I am less tired. I actually feel alive for the first time in a long time.
I wonder if ex is getting more sex now he's single?

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 03/02/2014 22:17

Your mutual friend is nosey and obviously takes exh's word as gospel (probably in too much contact with him, methinks) so why care less what s/he or anyone else thinks? Youve got enough to contend with forming a new life for yourself, without worrying about gossip. Leave them to it

BlueSparklyNails · 05/02/2014 00:18

No idea what you're talking about perfect storm. I don't have any issues, it's never happened to me but I know what constitutes a successful relationship. Are you on the correct post???

MeMySonAndI · 05/02/2014 00:39

My ex has not bothered to see his son for almost 4 years, has declined or ignored any invitations to re establish contact, has been paying way below CSA child maintenance expectations despite a remarkably high salary, it took him 8 years to acknowledge my pleas for a divorce. I moved on very quickly after the split and have been in a comitted relationship for several years. I have not seen my ex for 4 years, not even a glimpse of him.

His version? I don't allow him to see his son, he is in the sticks due to paying child maintenance, he left me and apparently, I so want him back that I'm stalking him.

It comes a point when you stop bothering about what people think, if some people known so little of you in order to believe him, they don't deserve opportubities to come and ruin your day. No contact, no problem. Simples.

perfectstorm · 05/02/2014 00:49

No idea what you're talking about perfect storm.

That's fine. I provided the link, so everyone else does.

I don't have any issues

Opinions are so variable, aren't they?

I know what constitutes a successful relationship

An interesting claim. You [presumably think every single person in the world is just like you, and that you can in addition mind-read. Because otherwise, no, you do not.

Are you on the correct post???

A question I might well ask you, given your contributions thus far.

BlueSparklyNails · 05/02/2014 12:19

*No idea what you're talking about perfect storm.

That's fine. I provided the link, so everyone else does. smile

I don't have any issues

Opinions are so variable, aren't they?

I know what constitutes a successful relationship

An interesting claim. You [presumably think every single person in the world is just like you, and that you can in addition mind-read. Because otherwise, no, you do not.

Are you on the correct post???

A question I might well ask you, given your contributions thus far.*

You really are strange. Are you angry with someone? Don't take it out on me. Maybe you're one of the shaven-head man-haters who lurks around on these forums dribbling at the mouth to have their say

ItsRainingOutside · 05/02/2014 12:23

Not really relevant to the OP but very funny BSN!

Playedlikeafool · 05/02/2014 20:24

I can sympathise with the lack of intimacy aspect.
One of the reasons my marriage started to fall apart was my complete loss of libido after having our son. I totally disagree that you have to have sex in Order to save a marriage, more that you have to have a good relationship to have sex.
If one person sulks, due to lack of sex and is unsupportive of deeper issues, then the great divide just gets bigger! It's only when time and patience and loving friendship ensues that an intimate relationship can begin to build again.
It's unfortunate that most men (my H included) dont understand and dont have the patience or sensitivity to support their wives through it!

AnyFucker · 05/02/2014 20:30

You are making a nincompoop of yourself, BSN.

VelmaD · 05/02/2014 20:33

I found out when my divorce came through after 4.5 years that my exhusband had been telling people that id kicked him out and it was all my choice. When in fact, the divorce is on the grounds of his desertion and he upped and left one day without looking back.

he obviously wanted to save face. I put the person straight, but tbh dont think they believe me after so long!

KingRollo · 05/02/2014 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm · 06/02/2014 02:01

You really are strange. Are you angry with someone? Don't take it out on me. Maybe you're one of the shaven-head man-haters who lurks around on these forums dribbling at the mouth to have their say

Oh dear, sweetie. My sympathies.

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