Female Wisdom Needed

[DomesticatedDad]

I'm in need of some wisdom and advice from the female population! I'm a married Dad of 3 teenagers; my wife has recently gone back to work and is now a busy professional woman; I work part-time so that I can be the principal childcarer.
Since my wife started back at work, our love life has nosedived. Not because she is too busy or tired - in fact, quite the contrary. She has never been more sexually alive and excitable. But increasingly she has turned to fantasy and masturbation for pleasure, rather than sex. She masturbates most nights when she thinks I am asleep. If I ask her about it the next day, she is quite open - she is fantasising about men at work who turn her on, but she is adamant it is only fantasy, saying she will always stay loyal to me. I know that as a stay-at-home Dad and with 15 years of marriage behind us, I must lack a wow factor. But I am beginning to grow anxious about how this will develop. In recent weeks, she has even been masturbating/fantasising during our lovemaking - she seems so wrapped up in her own world.
Am I losing her? Is she likely to have an affair? How should I deal with this situation? I so need your thoughts and insight...

So...wife arrives home at 2.30am having been working late (it does happen in her line of work) - nothing obvious that indicates the contrary, though of course I cannot be sure.

Then at 8 this morning, the familiar movements in bed...slight at first, then more vigorous, as she masturbates; must be 20 minutes of this, before lots of deep breathing and some stifled sighs...She didn't know she has woken me and once again I didn't say anything - not really sure yet what I want to say...

Now we're up and about, it's all pretty normal - she seems happy and positive, very loving towards me, no distance or tension...

bubblesmonkey - it's intercourse that's so brief, our lovemaking as a whole has always lasted some time and she always seemed very satisfied. It's only recently that she has seemed to prefer her own touch and her own thoughts. Are there any particular things I should look out for in terms of her possible attraction to women?
I'm not sure her use of x-art itself suggests she is turned on by women - there would seem to be plenty of straight sex on there too - though without her log-in details I can't be sure what the site's really like.

Any other thoughts anyone?

Well, I had the courtesy to talk to my ex H about it as soon as I realised my feelings were more than just fleeting. He didn't have to look out for signs.
I think she's being incredibly rude to belittle your concerns. I hope you manage to have a proper conversation with her soon.

Thanks for this - we have talked often, and when we do she reassures me that she still loves me and all is well. She says her fantasies are just that and she will always stay faithful.

It was interesting that the responses to my initial posting were all quite definite and blunt - my wife's frequent fantasy and masturbation were out of order, I shoudl tell her so and that she was probably cheating on me too. She needed to stop her behaviour immediately, everyone agreed.

Then, after I added later, that our sex life was being affected by my inability to sustain intercourse for more than 30 seconds, the tone very definitely changed. Posts said we needed to resolve our problems and seek help, but fewer people condemned her or her actions.

So my new questions to you all are:

• is what she is doing acceptable given the lack of fulfillment she is undoubtedly experiencing?
• is she just finding a safe outlet for her frustration whilst still staying loyal to our marriage?
• shoudl I get tough or continue to be understanding?
• should I tell her I know about her subscription to x-art or just leave her to it?
• how can I work out whether she has any bisexual tendencies or does it not matter?

You know what I think, but I stated it up thread. I stopped posting because I thought it was clear what advice you wanted and were finding helping. Personally, I think this that thread stinks of double-standards.

Secondly, I thought your questions were strange. Why the obsession with asking what posters thought of that specific website?

Fine.
No obsession - that "specific website" happens to be the specific website I have discovered my wife subscribes too. No others. And for me it's a big deal - I had no idea my wife was into anything like that and I don't knwo to handle it. Sorry if that is strange.

I didn't say that was strange. I said your repeated questions to posters was strange.

Personally, OP I don't think your sexual problems make any difference. If anything it makes her behaviour worse, because she's rubbing your nose in it. You need to get tough.

Agreed Logg1e re questions, I think we're on the same page. But I give him the benefit of the doubt just in case...

At no point did I ask any posters what they they thought of the website; I have repeatedly asked what posters think of my wife spending time on that website. Why repeatedly? Because almost no one offered any response and it is bothering me more than almost any aspect of what she is doing.

Your wife openly tells you she's fantasizing about other men . She apparently has to work till early hours of the morning and often stays out at hotels for no justifiable reason . You mentioned the possibility of an affair in your original post, and yet when posters have asked you more about this you get caught up with hormones or the possibility of her being attracted to women .

Another poster suggested you offer to go to the hotel to see your wife's reaction . It is very easy to confirm whether your wife is having an affair or not , is there a reason you are avoiding doing this ?

She is out of line. Awful behaviour. Disrespectful and flagrant. Tell her to stop it, sort out your issues together or ... Whatever you want in that eventuality! Crap situation to be in... If she keeps it up your feelings will change I suspect... Honestly I can't believe how passive you are being... I think I would tell her to get stuffed TBH

Basically i think you've canvassed enough opinion on here now OP, stop talking the talk on here and actually speak to her. I also agree with the previous posts re you asking the opinions of total strangers a little too frequently. Stop asking strangers and ask the one person who can give you the answers you obviously need-unless you're too scared of her reply-or in fact dare i say it-this whole situation is a total wind up scam?

I agree with the previous posters , I found your new set of questions puzzling , but will reply regardless .

No , what she is doing is not acceptable under any circumstances . Another poster said that this occurs within her marriage and you appeared relieved . You failed to note that both spouses in that marriage agreed to that , their situation is nothing like yours .

It's not a safe outlet and she is already being unfaithful even if it's only in her head.

Yes you need to get tough , it's not normal to accept such disrespectful behaviour.

Whether she is bisexual or not makes no difference and the website is equally unimportant . What is important is that your wife no longer wants to have sex with you , and tells you that other men turn her on .Your wife has detached from you both sexually and emotionally , and you meekly accept reassurances that she won't cheat despite the fact there are facts that at least need to be verified . I don't think you communicate well and you seem to be afraid of asserting yourself .

Nothing wrong with the wife engaging in fantasy or masturbating - although she doesn't seem to understand basic discretion by doing it with you in the bed, but that's another issue.

The issue is that she is doing this, and has no qualms telling you that she is thinking about other men. It isn't the 'fantasy' it the fact that she has no hesitation in telling her HUSBAND that she is THINKING about SHAGGING OTHER MEN....Just drink that in for a minute.

Any man with his senses about him knows that this is the very height of comtempt - She doesn't even respect you enough to keep the nature of her fantasy a secret, and here you are, apparently looking for excuses on her behalf in the one place where you are guaranteed to find plenty of them (although I do commend those who have called out the wife's behaviour for the selfish ubsurdity that it is).

Sorry, but I think the OP is on a wind-up - I'll be amazed if you're even a man.