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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Female Wisdom Needed

64 replies

DomesticatedDad · 31/01/2014 15:05

I'm in need of some wisdom and advice from the female population! I'm a married Dad of 3 teenagers; my wife has recently gone back to work and is now a busy professional woman; I work part-time so that I can be the principal childcarer.
Since my wife started back at work, our love life has nosedived. Not because she is too busy or tired - in fact, quite the contrary. She has never been more sexually alive and excitable. But increasingly she has turned to fantasy and masturbation for pleasure, rather than sex. She masturbates most nights when she thinks I am asleep. If I ask her about it the next day, she is quite open - she is fantasising about men at work who turn her on, but she is adamant it is only fantasy, saying she will always stay loyal to me. I know that as a stay-at-home Dad and with 15 years of marriage behind us, I must lack a wow factor. But I am beginning to grow anxious about how this will develop. In recent weeks, she has even been masturbating/fantasising during our lovemaking - she seems so wrapped up in her own world.
Am I losing her? Is she likely to have an affair? How should I deal with this situation? I so need your thoughts and insight...

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 31/01/2014 21:33

I think you're being done over OP. Whether she's actively cheating I don't know, but she's fantasising about it.

Many women on here complain their husband's have checked out of a sex life with them and checked into one with porn and their right hand.

Your wife has checked out of part of your relationship, and if you don't call her to account, it will destroy your intimacy.

UnexpectedlySingle · 31/01/2014 21:36

I never said he deserved it, I would never say that. Just that there may be underlying issues going on that we don't know about and if he could get to the bottom of that it might sort the problem before it gets worse. You know how women expect men to read our minds, she may be indirectly saying I'm unhappy, help me.

Logg1e · 31/01/2014 21:38

"Underlying issues" is a bit different to "have you made her angry?" and the latter implies that if you anger the other person, it means they can be cruel to you.

Can you really, really imagine a female OP getting this kind of response?

UnexpectedlySingle · 31/01/2014 21:44

No, angering someone does not mean "they can be cruel to you", it just means that they might, out of retaliation. And women tend to do this rather than men because they know that withholding sex and teasing them is one of the worst things you can do to a man. It doesn't work the same way the other way around. I never said the OP was to blame, and, if she is angry about something, that this was because of some deliberate conscious behaviour on his part. I'm not at all blaming him, I'm just trying to help save a marriage.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 31/01/2014 21:51

unexpeted, "...is she angry with you about anything?"
Your comment made me laugh a bit as it brought to mind a dog crapping on the owner's bed because it was angry.

DDad, imho, she is being hugely disrespectful to you.
I hope you told her to at least get her kicks off in private.
Have you thought what you will do if she does have an affair/fling in person?
How do you feel about emotional affairs...fantasizing about someone in this way may not mean an emotional affair, but, imho, it is damn close. Not acceptable.

Blindly believing her words I think is a bit naive. Watch her actions.
Sorry you are going through this; good luck.

UnexpectedlySingle · 31/01/2014 22:05

Another thought: maybe she wants to be caught? I knew a bloke that did this. He couldn't tell his (now ex) wife that he didn't want to be married to her any more so he played around with other women hoping he'd get caught and she'd do the dumping rather than the other way around and eventually got what he wanted.

Hope this isn't the case tho OP :(

Original poster

DomesticatedDad · 31/01/2014 22:10

Thanks Unexpectedly Single...I didn't take offence at your "is she angry?" post and I'm sorry you've taken some flak over it!!
In fact, you are quite right...I think she is feelign angry, not with me as such, but with some of the problems we've been having. I don't wnat to open myself to public humiliation, but let's just say, I haven't been able to meet her sexual needs over the last year or two. I know she feels angry and frustrated about that.

OP posts:

UnexpectedlySingle · 31/01/2014 22:13

How about some counselling? You can get counsellors or therapists that specialise in the sexual side of a marriage. Might help you both find a way forward. I do think if she was serious about having an affair she wouldn't be so "in your face" about it. It does sound to me like a cry for help.

UnexpectedlySingle · 31/01/2014 22:17

PS I'm really sorry that things have been so tough for you both

asgard · 31/01/2014 22:22

sorry to be the bringer of bad news I think she is already having an affair and I think you know this too

our love life has nosedived. Not because she is too busy or tired - in fact, quite the contrary. She has never been more sexually alive and excitable.

think back to every new relationship you have ever been in! In fact she has come so far away from you emotionally that she doesn't care enough about how you feel that she is openly telling you she is thinking about other men.

it won't be other men it will be only one. have arguments increased. Phone locked always at hand, laptop password protected. become distant and unaffectionate. less involved with the kids. belittles your opinion, new clothes underware? do any of these things ring true?

on your side has there been a porn use issue have you ever messed about yourself. why haven't you exploded?

Original poster

DomesticatedDad · 31/01/2014 22:23

Thank you - you're so kind. I've seen a fair few people in the last year or two to try to put right my particular issue, but so far no good. And I can understand why she must fantasise about decent sex when she's is marriage where it isn't happening.What do you think about her spending time on x-art - is that something I should ask her to stop or do you think it's normal?

OP posts:

UnexpectedlySingle · 31/01/2014 22:34

Out of curiosity I had a look - its a beautiful site - maybe she's into girls? Many women are bisexual and only explore this side of themselves later on in life after the marriage, kids etc.

Original poster

DomesticatedDad · 31/01/2014 22:40

I had never even considered that, but you may be right. One of the reasons I wasn't too concerned about her overnight stays etc is she has usually shared a room with a female work colleague....

OP posts:

asgard · 31/01/2014 22:43

Do you that for definate or is that what she has told you?

Original poster

DomesticatedDad · 31/01/2014 22:52

On several occasions, I know it's been true; others it has been just what she told me.
I wonder whether the masturbation & fantasy instead of sex is because she's imagining what it would be like with another woman. She's never actually told me that the work colleagues she's imagining are men...!!

OP posts:

hookedonchoc · 31/01/2014 22:53

DomesticatedDad, in your original post it is your waning sex life that concerns you most. What has changed there - you don't initiate, or you do but she doesn't want to make love, or is guiding you towards more hands-on activities? I ask because even in these enlightened times many women find it difficult to achieve satisfaction with a partner, especially just through intercourse, find it difficult to discuss, and many still fake and then take care of themselves privately. Could it simply be that your wife has decided not to do this privately any more and is showing you what she wants? Sorry it's such a personal question, no need to answer obviously, just food for thought and perhaps discussion with your dw.

FWIW, dh and I have always fantasized about other people and discussed it with each other, masturbated openly, and have always been open about real life people we find attractive. We are comfortable doing this, knowing we won't cheat as it's just fantasy. Married and faithful 19 years. I really hope your concerns are groundless and you and your wife can communicate with each other about this so you're both happy.

Original poster

DomesticatedDad · 31/01/2014 22:59

Thanks hookedonchoc - your post reassure me that my wife is not the only married woman in the world who fantasizes and masturbates! I don't mind you being direct..the benefit of such a forum I guess! To be equally blunt, our problem is that intercourse never brings her to orgasm..unsurprisingly, as it lasts little more than 30 seconds thanks to some sort of issue on my part that only seems to be getting worse.
I wondered whether sites like x-art were just her way of getting a fix of sex without cheating. But, as UnexpectedlySingle suggests, it may be she has soemthing for women too...

OP posts:

Original poster

DomesticatedDad · 31/01/2014 23:09

Teens all in bed (miracle!), wife working late, so now on my own! Anyone else want to add anything before I go to bed....??

OP posts:

hookedonchoc · 31/01/2014 23:13

Glad I didn't offend. The expression "married not dead" comes to mind. I am very lucky that my dh always makes sure I'm taken care of before him as I am completely incapable of reaching orgasm during intercourse, so that might be something to consider. As regards the possibility she is bisexual, yes, I believe many women do start to explore their sexuality more at this time in their life when they are not so exhausted by young family, constrained by the values of their own parents, and get a bit of a hormone rush as well. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions though, but just recommend you talk to her and try to be as honest, open and non-judgemental as you can. It can be very hard to talk about these things, but from my experience it's the only way forward!

Original poster

DomesticatedDad · 31/01/2014 23:18

Thanks hookedonchoc - I love your honesty and openness. With intercourse being a disaster, I have always prided myseld on a certain expertise in other departments. But increasingly she seems to be self-contained and self-satisfying..preferring to masturbate on her own than have me do it/or other! Hence my worries...
What do you think about her use of x-art? Is that something I should be worried about?

OP posts:

hookedonchoc · 31/01/2014 23:28

I haven't seen that site, is it mainly pictures of women? I'm afraid I can't really judge as I'm a bit weird without going into tmi (too late!). But lots of women do look at porn - some are straight, some not, I don't think you can reach any conclusions about her sexuality purely by her viewing habits. DH and I have each looked at porn individually and separately. For some couples this would be a deal breaker, for us it's normal. I guess it depends what can live with and what she wants ultimately. I wouldn't worry unnecessarily without talking about it to her. I'm off to bed now, sleep well!

hookedonchoc · 31/01/2014 23:29

duh, meant to say "together and separately"

Svina · 31/01/2014 23:30

If you have the expertise needed to satisfy her, then you need her to open up and talk about why she doesn't want that any more.

Lazyjaney · 01/02/2014 10:23

She's probably having it off with someone else IMO (even of it's only in the mind at the moment it won't stay that way), and she is flaunting it openly.

You seem incredibly understanding, OP, maybe you need to be a bit less so?

bubblesmonkey · 01/02/2014 10:36

When I went back to work after having a child I discovered I was actually a lesbian. Bizarre as it sounds, I was regaining myself and finally had the courage to face feelings I'd had for a long time. I hope this isn't the case for you, but it's possible.

You say you haven't been able to sexually satisfy her and that sex only lasts for 30 seconds. I can't help but wonder why? If it's a penis issue, my gf and I have very satisfying and long-lasting sex sessions with no penis around!

FWIW I'd be gutted if my gf behaved as your wife does. To me, it's unacceptable.

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