boyfriend adopted when young, problems now

[HelloBoys]

I posted a different topic yesterday.

My boyfriend was using his untidy house as an excuse for me not to visit (after 3 months) - he DOES want me to visit but needs time to do it (he works in London, sees his son once a week and a few weekends and now says he will take a week off to do this.

However he's also said he fears commitment and abandonment - these stem mostly from the fact he was adopted at 2 years old.

What is great is that he's reassured me that our already great relationship isn't under threat. But that he wants to have some therapy re commitment and abandonment as he thinks they're tied up.

His one stable relationship with his ex partner (mother of his son) ended when she wanted more (more freedom etc) as they met when she was 18 and he was 28.

he doesn't have a close relationship with his adoptive parents but sees them occasionally they had a daughter naturally a few years ago whom he's close to.

Anyway what can I do? apart from support? Any books I can read or websites?

The mother of his son did suggest that he met his birth mother but really I don't know if he wants that and perhaps therapy will answer that question for him.

Hello Hello!

I think you need to remember that awful as they are, his issues are that - HIS.

If he really wants to make a go of it HE will make the arrangements to sort himself out.

He may be using his issues to keep you a little at arms length. A get out clause if you like.

And you not going to his house because it's so untidy? A red flag tbh.

And it must be really shitty if he needs a whole week to get it sufficiently decent for you to visit!

Tenny - I covered all this yesterday.

He is convinced that untidy house, letting people get close to him, making himself busy are arms length strategies.

I need to speak to him properly about this (a half hour chat on a mobile with bad reception didn't help).

He did say he wanted me in his life, didn't want to lose me.

I just wondered what should one do in this situation. I want to support him properly.

He doesn't want to lose you, but he has to do the hard work of overcoming/coping with his issues before entering into a relationship with you, or anyone.

Sad and understandable as his issues are, they essentially mean that he is not available to enter into a relationship. He is too afraid to risk himself, to be truly open and therefore vulnerable. So what you will have with him is a half-in half-out "relationship" with someone who doesn't really want to jump into it with both feet.

In short, your own emotional needs are unlikely to be met.

Don't read books or whatever to try and help him. Only he can do that, in order for it to be successful. You should focus on yourself: Ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship.

So wait HotDamn - are you saying I should basically end this as it has no future?

I'm only 3 months in.

Well, do you want to commit to somebody who's afraid to commit to you?

Does he make you feel loved and gorgeous? Like he unmistakeably wants to be with you and only you and thinks you're the dog's bollocks?

Or is it all about inching forward and making allowances for his wounds?

Am I reading this correctly in thinking that you've been together for 3 months?

If so, I'm sorry but I think you're taking on way too much responsibility for supporting him in sorting out his problems. As Tenny said, they are HIS problems.

If he recognizes he has issues stemming from being adopted, & decides to sort out counselling for himself, then that's great. You can support him by showing you have a positive attitude towards that, & listening to him. But don't let this become your problem or brought out as an excuse for poor treatment of you.

I once had a BF, years ago & before I met my husband, who had been adopted & I'm sorry to say that in his case this was used as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. He only ever wanted to talk about it after he'd displayed inappropriate jealousy or thrown a tantrum, & I rather got the impression that he saw it as a "get out of jail free" card. I ended the relationship after his adoption was trotted out as an excuse - for seemingly unconnected behaviour - one time too often.

Sorry if that sounds unsympathetic, but I'm concerned you sound as if you've taken on some kind of rescuer role here. 3 months in to a relationship, if I got that right, sounds way too early for you to be reading books etc. about his emotional problems.

HotDAMN - he does make me feel loved and gorgeous and was the first person (eg not me) in this relationship to say he loved me.

I really don't know what to think. He has said that he should have got the therapy sorted out before now.

Loon - yes 3 months but very intense.

Of course I will support him but I am not letting it be an excuse for poor treatment towards me.

I just sort of want to know what I should do - take a step back re his adoption issues etc. He actually is very good re unacceptable behaviour and never does anything jealous or tantrummy.

You're only 3 months in and this is what its like this early on.

I would walk away whilst you still can, you could all too easily become far too enmeshed and invested particularly too if you already have any innate rescuer and or saving tendencies. You are his girlfriend and not his rescuer, therapist, saviour or champion.

He is convinced that untidy house, letting people get close to him, making himself busy are arms length strategies.

Well, until he starts sorting these I'd be a little detached tbh. I don't think it's fair that you invest everything in him while he's coming out with excuses like those above. As I said before, these are HIS problems to solve.

It's lovely you want to be supportive, but I don't think there's any particular action you can take to make him behave any differently. He has to want to change.

ok you want to support him. You need to balance your feelings for him and your own longer term needs.

I would say give him some time in therapy, but to yourself qualify it with an end date. By that end date you need to see some genuine effort and genuine change.

That end date needs to be months, not weeks. And not years, either. YOu need to think what you are comfortable with - 8 months? a year?

Therapy can help, it can change people's lives, but it's not a cure-all. Some people go into it becuase they think it will help but they find they can't or don't want to face the very very painful demons inside and would rather drift on as they are. That's a real danger. That's why you need to see, clear eyed, real signs of both an effort to change, and actual change.

If you decide that you can't wait that long, then you need to gently close the relationship earlier. hotdamn is right, at the moment he's not good relationship material at all. He might in time become it, but don't put your own needs secondarily to a cloud-future that might never appear.

I had a great relationship with a BF who had similar issues. He wanted to confront his commitment phobia with a therapist and wanted a future for us when his issues were resolved, as he was hopeful they would be. I eventually left and met someone else but we are still very good friends. Since breaking up with me he has had FOUR lovely girlfriends who have waited, usually about 2 years before leaving. He cannot even let you into his home, let alone his life - tell him to call you when he's ready.

What do you get out of this relationship, what needs of yours are being met here?.

Do not support him at the expense of your own mental well being or happiness.

btw, fwiw I was adopted too. Now I was never screwed up about the adoption - plenty of other things, but my then-parents handled it very well and I adjusted to being adopted well. Unfortunately my adoptive mother died when I was 10 and that left me with an intense insecurity that took years and equally intense treatment to face. So I do have considerable feeling for your bf. But I also know what the dangers can be, that you will allow yoruself to drift forever in a half-comfortable, half-painful existance where change will come 'tomorrow' and you let everyone around you (and yourself) down badly.

I'm glad to hear that you feel good with him, and that his behaviour is good too, although "intense" early on is a bit of a warning sign that some kind of unhealthy bonding is taking place. He definitely should have sorted therapy out before entering into another relationship.

It's nice that having you in his life is motivating him to do so now, but that does put you in a very tricky position, if you are going to stay with someone who is in a process of transition. You don't know how that process is going to go, or how long it will take, or what he will be like, what he will want after.

Being romantically linked with someone implies a deep emotional connection, so whether you like it or not you'd be going on that journey with him. And it will be very very difficult for him to explore these issues - these are huge issues for a person to tackle. And he will be very self-absorbed - not a good thing for a budding relationship, when we are meant to open ourselves and offer ourselves to another.

Added to which you have clear rescuer tendencies - your opening post is about what books you should read to support him.

His issues are his problem. Being romantically linked and being a rescuer means that they will become your problems now - and that's unhealthy for you.

it's true. He will be very self-absorbed. No judgement there, it's just the way it often is when you've got inner demons like that gnawing at you. Also agreed that you cannot rescue him. He has to do it; the therapist can offer him the life-belt but he has to grasp it. No one sadly can do it for him.

So what do I do?

It seems like I have no option but to end it with him.

Should I NOT become a rescuer and see this through?

My rescuer tendencies - well I suppose I do have these tendencies but I have always been like this.

At 3 months you should be having a whale of a time, not scouting out books/websites to play Florence Nightingale (check out Baggage Reclaim for that)

And a messy house as an excuse for you not to visit? Get tae fuck.

So what do I do?

That's your call. This is why we are asking you what your needs are, and whether they are being met: it's for you to decide what your limits are.

Those limits could be "I will not involve myself with an emotionally unavailable man", or they could be "I will give this 3 more months, and shut down any discussion about his tortured soul as that is between him and his therapist", or it could be "I will stay with him and help him and nurture him and let him give me as little or as much of himself as he chooses, at his own pace". Or anything in between.

IMO, Turnip is demonstrating healthy boundaries in her 10:33 post.

It all depends on whether you think this relationship is worth sorting through the complications to take a chance on? That's it in a nutshell. Only you can decide but there's no shame in deciding it isn't.

helloBoys,

You learnt all this from somewhere.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What sort of a relationship did your parents show you?. Was one or even both of them emotionally unavailable?. I would suggest you give all those questions serious consideration now.

Baggage reclaim is a good website and read up on rescuing.

Love your own self for a change, you simply cannot and must not act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship. I would in your case also read "Co-dependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

it's only been 3 months? I missed that!

i'm with the other posters then. I do think that he needs to sort himself out before getting into a relationship with anyone else, including you. It's simply unfair on the other person.

however, that's just my pov and more importantly, what do you think you -want- to do? at this stage, what you want should be paramount. Not his needs. You haven't been together for 8 years!

Ultimately, if your bf wants to change it has to be because that’s what he wants, not because he wants to have a relationship with you, iyswim. So he should want to make these changes in spite of, not because of you.

There is nothing to say that you can’t be there to support him through all the changes he needs to go through, but again you need to ask yourself why that is. Is it because you care about him and want him to be able to make these positive steps in his own life, regardless of the outcome for your own relationship? Or is it because you feel that if he can make the changes then you potentially have a future together?

You can’t be his rescuer. Because if you stick around and encourage him to change for the sake of the two of you and it doesn’t work out, the damage to him will set him back where he came from and possibly worse. So if you stay it has to be because you care about him, not because you care about the two of you, iyswim.

I had a bf at seventeen who had been abandoned by his parents aged seven and then subsequently adopted. I was his first gf, and as such his insecurities were horrendous. Jealous, possessive, emotionally abusive, and while I now understand (although don’t condone) what brought about these issues, at the time I was expected to just put up with them on the basis of all he had been through. The relationship ended in violence when he hit me and I ended it. And while even years on I do understand how someone could end up so insecure and why, I was not responsible neither should I have been expected to compensate for a past which was his.

Conversely I am now in a relationship with someone who grew up in care from an early age. I cannot go into more details because it is not my story to tell, but all I can say is that it’s the kind of past that you would hear about and shudder and might wonder how anyone could come through that and go on to live a normal life afterwards. But he has, and he is the most loving, caring, considerate person I have ever been with. And yes, he makes me feel gorgeous and beautiful (something which has come as a massive surprise to me after previous experiences of my own). And whenever things come up which could be connected to the past (and it is naive to think that you could ever be with someone with such a past and that even with therapy there would never be anything that relates to that past) we talk things through, but the difference is that we communicate, and I have an understanding of, but am never expected to compensate for anything.

Hth

I have a DP with a hideously messy house and could have walked away early on. But we agreed jokingly we would enjoy six weeks together then review the contract. We have a lot of fun and his mess is not my responsibility to sort out. Nearly thirty months in the house is half way to sorted and he desperately wants to get it fixed up to sell so we can get a home together.
The point is that we are good together and he makes me happy. That is what you need to focus on. Is the relationship good for you? Does it meet your needs? Are you feeling cherished and appreciated? After three months you should be getting a feel for what life as his girlfriend is like. If it works keep going, if it doesn't get out. Simples.

Too many issues OP. I saw your thread yesterday. At 3 months it's a red flag in itself that you're feeling the need to post about different issues like this.
When someone tells you they have issues around commitment etc, listen to them. His job is to deal with his issues and then find a relationship when he's ready. Not the other way round. I have very little time for people who will get into a relationship, even say ILY but still have that fall back option of commitment fears.
I've had problems with commitment myself in the past. I would never get involved with someone and expect to try to have a relationship with them while I dealt with the issues.
He's showing very low emotional intelligence, which is another red flag.

Hi All - first of all thank you for your input.

My background. My mother is quite over protective, nurturing etc. Parents divorced when I was 5 due to alcoholic father. I was VERY CLOSE to my father but due to kidnap threats with the child of my father's previous marriage from his parents (my grandparents) my mother chose to let me not have contact with my father or his parents (my GPs). I have a stepfather but that has always been complex - he's a bit angry and also didn't want us to call him "dad" etc.

I did get in touch with my father at 13 and had some semblance of a relationship with him and his 3rd family until him and his wife divorced when I was 20 and then he died when I was 21/22 suddenly of a heart attack.

i used to have terrible detachment at school gates/playgroup gates when my mother left and if my mother disappeared say from the car/in a big shop I'd be consolable when this happened and cry bitterly. In fact even now I miss my daddy.

I have had therapy last and this year and dealt with I thought this problem but maybe I need to revisit it.

Kouign

I do think this relationship is good for me and meets my needs and it really works generally, everyone says we are great together.

I take on board everything about being a rescuer, not doing this etc but I feel I'd be terrible if I did not support him but also that it is HIS journey and not mine. I feel about 80% certain if he feels different etc after therapy then that will be that.