boyfriend adopted when young, problems now

[HelloBoys]

I posted a different topic yesterday.

My boyfriend was using his untidy house as an excuse for me not to visit (after 3 months) - he DOES want me to visit but needs time to do it (he works in London, sees his son once a week and a few weekends and now says he will take a week off to do this.

However he's also said he fears commitment and abandonment - these stem mostly from the fact he was adopted at 2 years old.

What is great is that he's reassured me that our already great relationship isn't under threat. But that he wants to have some therapy re commitment and abandonment as he thinks they're tied up.

His one stable relationship with his ex partner (mother of his son) ended when she wanted more (more freedom etc) as they met when she was 18 and he was 28.

he doesn't have a close relationship with his adoptive parents but sees them occasionally they had a daughter naturally a few years ago whom he's close to.

Anyway what can I do? apart from support? Any books I can read or websites?

The mother of his son did suggest that he met his birth mother but really I don't know if he wants that and perhaps therapy will answer that question for him.

sorry I'd be inconsolable.

I do think somewhat I tend to feel insecure sometimes re relationships.

In fact you know what? I am not over my father issues and I think it would be great to get these sorted out.

FFS how desperate are you? Consider this - you can devote the next few months - or years - to nursemaiding this man through therapy, surpressing your own feelings, being endlessly kind and understanding... and then when he's better he will bin you for someone who hasn't seen him at his self-obsessed, whining, therapy-addled worst.

Either that or he has, in fact, already discovered that claiming to have issues and need therapy is an excellent excuse for doing exactly what he likes and having a constant stream of silly women scurrying after him, all determined to be The One Who Teaches Him To Love.

It's not compulsory to have a relationship at all, let alone a committed one (I am a commitment refuser and always have been). But if you're going to, then it should be a joyful addition to your life, not something that sounds more like an unsatisfactory work project. Walk away, and have some fun for yourself.

SolidGold - I take on all that you say.

but this man is the very antithesis as far as know re being self-obsessed, whining, therapy-addled. In fact he's the opposite.

I am not lying or putting my feelings into him but that is the way he comes across not as you are stating.

I wonder how you and a few other people would be if they'd been adopted and if their adoptive parents also seemed to have found it hard to have a normal relationship with both him AND his sister (born naturally with his adoptive parents) a few years later? It's not a walk in the park.

My decision now is to stick with him and review it.

Well, actually, FWIW I was adopted as a baby and my brother was born naturally to my adoptive parents. I appreciate that sounds a bit like I've made it up to prove some point or other, but it's true.
It's also true that I have never been married or lived with a partner and have no intention of doing sobut I don't dick people around, I'm upfront about this, and have no intention of seeking therapy, either. My preference for remaining single is not an indication that there's anything wrong with me.

However, my post was xposted with your last one about your own childhood, and I'd like to amend my advice to you as follows: you're right in thinking you would benefit from more counselling. As it sounds, neither you nor this man are in the right sort of mindset to have a healthy, enjoyable relationship - with each other, or with anyone else. He can do whatever, you (as you're the one on here asking for advice) should concentrate on getting yourself to a happy state of mind before you get involved with anyone,or you will go from arsehole to arsehole.

With a background like yours, rescueing relationships can feel so good and intense (in the beginning at least) because they feel so familiar and like coming home. If you've had to carry too much worry and responsibility as a child, you probably learned that love is hard work, and you 'earn' it by putting your own needs aside in favour for the other person. But that obviously is not what healthy, adult love should be like.

I think he is a bad bet too, but having continued along with my share of them myself, I am hardly one to talk...

But not being in love with him and able to see clearly thus, I would advise you keep one eye on your own life. By this I mean go out with girlfriends, save money, have your own plans regardless of what happens with him. That way if it goes wrong, you aren't completely lost.

Good luck x

Helloboys this is textbook, textbook.

If you engaged with therapy like you're engaging with this thread I'm not surprised it didn't work out for you.

I think the saddest thing is even aspects you think are great (e.g. the intensity) are screaming red flags.

If you have rescuer tendencies you should definitely nip this relationship in the bud now, while you're still (relatively) emotionally free.

DP has been meaning to sort out his commitment issues for four years...

He's a lovely bloke but if I'd known it'd take four years for him to stay more than a few nights a week then I'd probably have run for the hills.

By all means, give him some time to see someone and work through his issues, but I'd suggest that after a set period you have a hard think about whether he actually has made that effort. DP hasn't. Luckily we've now met in the middle as I've got so used to a part time partner that I can't imagine living together.

Whatever you do, don't try to fix him yourself and don't stop using contraception!!!

Thanks to everyone for their input.

quietly - I don't blame my mother at all. In fact I blame my father. I think my mother's life would have been hell if she stayed with him. My father's background, his parents told my mum that he should never have got married (something wrong mentally?) but then his dad bullied his mum and they wouldn't speak for periods of up to 2 months with my dad (their son) being a go-between. He was an only child.

I do think I need help re rescuing tendencies.

ALittleStranger - how do you think I should have engaged with therapy? I had various sorts (at 14 where you speak to a therapist and they don't speak back, related to school issues, insomnia etc), then a period when I was 21 where the therapist actually blamed my mother and got me to thump a pillow. Then some great therapy through KCC where you had mirrors and other therapists who gave input (my best therapy actually) and lastly mostly for bullying at work a man last year and 2012, where we touched on CBT to help me.

I will as I've said maybe get help re rescuing. The trouble is at my age (42) I want to be in a relationship and maybe have children if I can or adopt (abroad). I suppose I'll get lambasted for wanting to adopt now and told I'm not ready to be a mother. whatever.

I am going to,for now let my boyfriend get help and see where we go. for all I know he may not be happy long term with me either. But he is the first man in a long term that DESPITE his issues I am happy with, like his company and feel there could be a future.

if anyone wants to PM me re therapy and if they know about the mirror therapy (KCC closed down about 2-3 years ago I think) then let me know. thanks again.

oh also my father didn't actually leave 3 marriages.

what happened was apparently 1st marriage his wife was having an affair, so he left or she ended. we never knew and his wife wasn't forthcoming.

2nd marriage my mum told him to leave after he would not stop drinking.

3rd marriage his wife ended it after 15-20 years after she said they grew apart. I think she'd been having an affair. They also met when she was 18 and he was 35 and she told me she was too young and wanted more freedom.

So he didn't essentially give up.

After 3rd marriage ended his dad died and sadly this turned my dad (their only child) very upset and he started drinking again. then he died of a heart attack at 51. He had an enlarged heart but as no-one (including me) wanted to see him we didn't encourage him to register with a doctor (he'd moved from one side of London/outskirts to another).