please help me understand my "husband"

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If I am sad & Crying, he gets Angry with me and start provoking me by saying he doesn't want to see a miserable & sad face,
If I am strong, he says I am a big head and should agree to everything he says,
If I suggest something, make plans for the family... he says I am a control freak,
Don't know who to be or how to be:(
I should have no feelings of my own and be the way he wants when he wants....!!
What a Life, not being able to Express the way you feel as & when..:(( so Sad

The number for Women's Aid is 0808 2000 247 - you can talk through the fears you have just told us about confidentially, and they can reassure you that what he says and threatens will not be the case.

He sounds terrifying OP - you are so cowed by him and his monsterous ego.

Your kids will not be fostered owing to anything he claims...I promise.

You need to read the Lundy Bancroft Classic "Why does he do That?" to understand you are dealing with an abusive man who exhibits all the stereotypical behaviour us world weary veterans have come to expect. Most of what he says is bullying bluster and not going to happen in the real world. Be strong and take that first step towards a better future. Ring Women's Aid or tell a Health Visitor what is happening and ask for help. You can get him out of your life.

Ring Women's Aid, 0808 2000 247. Call the police DV unit on 101.

Ring them both the moment you can.

He says you provoke him to assault you. Classic abuser phrasing. If he ever frightens you, threatens you, blocks you from leaving or entering the house or a room, hits the wall, kicks something, throws something, call the police.

I will contact women's aid.
The article kouignAmann (reminds me of a French/Breton cake) suggested is a true reflection of what has happened to me. Funny enough, I saw the link to the article a week or 2 on mumsnet and after reading it, I felt it spoke my case and described my husbands behaviour.

Hi
I posted twice but don't seem to appear

How are things OP?

OMFG. Please leave and call women's Aid. What a monster he is.

Hi Pictish & Hi everyone,
I will get in touch with WA tomorrow, for now, I feel so down, crying in bed when the kids are asleep... I burst in tears on Thursday when the GP I went to see for s.thing else asked why I was stressed out, this is when I told him about the cheating and about being pushed 2 weeks ago against the wall in the bathroom when the back of my head hit the wall, then I dropped on my back inside the bath tub for him to watch me pain and not lift a finger to assist me in getting up...

My heart goes out to you, many of the other posters have given you better advice than I ever could so I'll try not to repeat anything.

You are better than this. Never lose hope, but remember that these kinds of people do not have sympathy and do not understand (or care) why what they do is wrong. They will try to convince you it's your fault or there's something wrong with you for "thinking" their behaviour is unacceptable... but at the end of the day this is something wrong with them. Don't try to sympathise - they aren't like us and they don't have sympathy for you. They also cannot change. They may manipulate you into believing they have changed (for a while) to keep you complacent and exactly where they want you to be. He knows exactly what he's doing, don't for a second let him fool you!

I grew up in a household with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder and your husband's behaviour sounds alarmingly similar. My concern here is that your children are being affected more than you think. I'm not sure how much they see but kids are perceptive and you don't want them to grow up thinking what they witness at home is normal (or to see their mum hurt all the time!). Believe me in households like this the last thing they need is an abusive person in their life - even if he's great with them, he affects you and what they need is their mum to be safe, healthy and happy.

Hi there
Why 3 of my messages were not attached to the thread of my story?
I pressed Post, it says Message sent but it doesn't appear...! Where did my messages end up? Thank you

Try posting again.
MN can lose things at times.
If I type a long thread I tend to copy and paste it to a word document in case I lose it then it's always there to try again.

Your story is so sad and I really do feel for you.
Did you manage to contact Womens Aid yesterday?
I can understand why you want things to look 'normal' for your DC especially with exams coming up.
But... you cannot put up with this any longer.
Imagine the lessons you are teaching your DC about relationships and what they can do and what they should put up with.

You've taken a massive step in posting and you have had some wonderful advice.
I wish you all the best.
Womens aid will help you with escape plan.

Thank you hellbellsmelons

Please continue with your story. What did the gp do or say? How are you today? How has h been behaving?

Hi everyone,
I have just got off the phone with WGN, spent 1,5 hours talking to a lovely lady who will contact me back today with advice & plan... She scored my case as a high risk one

That's why we're worried about you, 101, so I'm glad you've spoken up on rl to someone else, and they have confirmed it. It must have been hard to do though. Well done. It is a step further and you are a little closer to freedom and happiness.

Well done on calling them.
They know it's high risk.
We all already said this.
When you are in the thick of it, you have different perspective.
Glad you are getting the support you need.
Keep posting here for extra support.
So many ladies on here have been through what you are going through and can help support you.

Thank you ...melon
Someone from the domestic violence contacted me yesterday with some options, refuge, injunction...but the lady from the W.G.N, I spoke to suggested non molestation court order!
Not sure what option to take and what are the short &
I never thought of stopping husband from seeing the kids but I guess his verbal, emotional & physical abuse in front of them is not acceptable....

Non molestation of you doesn't have to mean he doesn't have contact with children - there are contact centres where he can spend time with the children on neutral territory. Not sure how you can have a non molestation order against someone you live with, though - they're normally for someone you've separated from who is pestering you.

Thank you walka

Yes, you're right, it doesn't make sense to have the molestation order sheiks living under the same roof, maybe she meant for him to leave 1st then have the order against him!!

Did they give you any advice about how to leave him or get him out?

WA will tell you that whatever happens, separating you from your children will not happen - just don't take his word for it as He will tell you anything to punish you and try and force you not to stop his abuse of him.

Well, a lady called me suggesting women's refuge so I asked few questions then she said she will find out and get back to me.. Been a week now...

Call them back and let them know that you called and were expecting a call back but nothing has happened for a week.
How are you doing today?
How has your H been behaving?
Keep in contact with the DV unit and WA until you get your exit plan.
You're doing so well.
We are all routing for you.

CALL THEM BACK, DON'T WAIT!

Oh please, when you're offered a refuge, and you jolly well should be, just take it.

Meanwhile, be careful. Try not to act differently towards him so he doesn't get a sniff of what you're thinking. Most abusers escalate the abuse if they think their victim is leaving or getting stronger - got to get you back in your box so they don't have to waste time looking for another victim. At the moment he's got 4, so he'll definitely not want to be losing you.

Please phone everyone - police DV unit, WA, WGN (who are they?).