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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long do you think?

31 replies

gildedcage · 30/01/2014 20:12

I posted a while ago about my discovery of my husband's fairly regular porn use.

I accept that I have to let go and believe me that I am certainly not dwelling on this on a day to day level. I'm also not using this as a stick to beat him with.

However I've noticed that while we are still intimate with each other I don't enjoy it the same way and can't remember the last time I climaxed...sorry for the over share but obviously I still have some hangups, is this normal? I feel as though I've held on to it long enough and want to move on but how?

I would never have thought I was so sensitive but I am also highly distrustful by nature...no bad experience just me. I know that I need to get the trust back but how?

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 30/01/2014 20:26

I personally wouldn't want to be with a man that watches porn. We aren't sex "objects". Maybe you've outgrown that "type" and your subconscious is telling you this?

Original poster
gildedcage · 30/01/2014 20:34

I totally don't and never have wanted to be with a man who watches porn and he knows this. He knows I would never have knowingly married a misogynist. We've been together for a long time and he had always denied ever using it. I didn't even think about it to be honest. But the secrets and lies have made me doubt him

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/01/2014 20:36

I accept that I have to let go...

What do you mean by this, let go of what?

Tinks42 · 30/01/2014 20:44

And rightly so, someone who lies isn't someone to be with OP. And exactly what fairenuff says, what on earth do "you" have to let go of other than him?

Original poster
gildedcage · 30/01/2014 21:36

When I say let go I mean put it behind me. I suppose what I mean is forget it and move. We have 3 little children, I don't want to wreck their family life because of this. Although I have questioned whether I can see him in the same light as frankly he is a totally different proposition however beyond this I love him and his my children's father. I don't want to throw our relationship away.

OP posts:
cjel · 30/01/2014 21:38

He knows your clear views on porn and isn't the person you thought. He has thrown this away not you.

Fairenuff · 30/01/2014 21:44

Does he still use porn?

Original poster
gildedcage · 30/01/2014 21:57

He knows and is frankly devastated. my cynical nature says he's sorry I found out and reacted the way I did. He has assured me that he wont do so again and I have found no evidence of futher use. He was more devastated than me...I went shut down mode. We have talked very frankly about this and he knows I feel differently.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 30/01/2014 21:57

So you're having sex with a man who you believe is misogenistic, because you have three children with him, and you wonder why you can't orgasm?

Sunk. Cost. Fallacy.

Original poster
gildedcage · 30/01/2014 22:07

Could you be slightly more specific. I genuinely have not had any real experience in dealing with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
gildedcage · 30/01/2014 22:09

And also I genuinely feel that I can't break up my children's home over this. I don't take that lightly.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 30/01/2014 22:13

I think that you're crazy to think you should be able to orgasm with a man you don't trust or like.

I think that having sex with someone only because you've been together a while is the wrong reason.

I think that staying together for the children need not include sharing a bed with their father. I think if you were to split, it wouldn't be your fault.

Original poster
gildedcage · 30/01/2014 22:44

Sadly I haven't any response to that and would whole heartedly agree if I wasn't the one on the receiving end.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/01/2014 22:49

He has assured me that he wont do so again

But didn't he already assure you. He told you that he absolutely and emphatically was not using porn.

He was lying.

He lied to your face about porn use, even though he knew your views on it.

Actually, he lied to you because he knew you wouldn't like it.

So his 'assurances' and promises don't mean anything. He has treated you with contempt. No wonder you can't stand to be touched by him.

Original poster
gildedcage · 30/01/2014 22:57

Fairenough what can I say? You're right but I'm frightened about looking my kids in the face and telling them I split up with their dad because he used porn...

OP posts:
Original poster
gildedcage · 30/01/2014 22:58

Or should I say because he lied about porn.

OP posts:
cjel · 30/01/2014 23:04

You know full well that you don't mention porn to dcs. they don't need a detailed explanation for the end of your marriage, living in a tense grumpy home really isn't good for them either.

Fairenuff · 30/01/2014 23:12

No, don't mention porn to children Shock

Look, you have to decide what you want first of all.

If you had no children would you want to be with him still? If not, then you will find a way to separate and you will get lots of advice and support here on mumsnet if that's what you want to do.

You can work out how/what to tell the children, how you will manage on your own, finances, etc. But before all of that, you need to decide if you love, respect and admire him enough to share your life with him.

Don't stay just for the children, that's a pretty miserable existence.

Original poster
gildedcage · 31/01/2014 07:02

In fairness I wouldn't have been as blunt as that...they are very young and that term means nothing to them but children grow up and at some point I would have to be honest with them.

I do still love and care for him. But I don't trust him or admire him. The dynamic of our relationship has totally changed, for the better if anything. We are not miserable together it just isn't the same for me. I suppose only I can know with time what I want and if I can move forward away from these feelings.

Its been six months now though...thought I'd feel better by now.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 31/01/2014 07:21

Gilded what a horrible situation you're in
Can I ask what your h is doing to help you? What actions is he taking to reassure you and make you not feel the way you feel at the moment?
He is the one who has spoilt your relationship not you
Try getting him to sleep in another room fir a while until you're ready and hopefully he should work his f@"¥ing socks off to "win" you back

maparole · 31/01/2014 07:53

I do still love and care for him. But I don't trust him or admire him.

To my mind, this isn't possible. Mutual respect is the first and fundamental necessity for a relationship. It seems to me you are tryng to force your own feelings, which will just make you (and also your children) totally miserable.

Original poster
gildedcage · 31/01/2014 09:34

Yes I know and personal integrity is crucial to me. I suppose that I am trying to force my feelings but I just want to feel normal again Sad

OP posts:
whatdoesittake48 · 31/01/2014 09:43

getting back to a place of pure love is so hard when you have been hurt and I doubt it is ever possible - fully.

if you are sure you want to stay with your husband then i think that getting some individual counselling would be helpful. just to work through your feelings on this, why you feel so upset at your husband and even to discuss if things might improve. You may find that something from your past is making you hold on to the anger.

Normal just isn't going to happen. you will need to create a new normal. one where you are slightly mistrustful, not entirely relaxed and more on guard. But still in love.

Is that really Ok with you. is it really love at all?

I don't know what more your husband can do other than prove he isn't watching porn now. Don't expect too much more from his side, because he has done what you asked and the damage is already done.

You need to focus on yourself and find ways of dealing with the hurt.

Original poster
gildedcage · 31/01/2014 10:32

Yes you're right. I think I do need to speak with some outside about this. For what it's worth I know he can't do any more and its about me now. I feel very sad that I may never have that pure love back.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 31/01/2014 10:38

Everyone else has the emotional side covered so ditto to all of that. It is perfectly possible to climax on technical skill alone if there is no emotional attachment, but nigh on impossible if there is resentment and negativity.

As you mentioned the sex, is it that he's not doing what you'd like? Do you help him to please you by telling him what you want? Do you think lack of technical skill is compounding your emotional quandary?