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Original poster

Still cross - am I over reacting?

26 replies

TinyTwoTears · 30/01/2014 10:10

DH and I have argued about housework since we moved in together 14 years ago.
We are now married and have 3 DC, aged 6, 4 and 2 months. The baby needs a lot of bfing and wasn't putting on much weight. He was sleeping too much and I was letting him. Now I don't let him and it means much more timr spent sitting on the sofa, especially in the evenings.

We talked about the house and having three children and how it would be hard to keep it very tidy but I said I would do my best. So far I have managed to get the kitchen and living room tidy every evening. Yesterday I dudn't quite finish the washing up before DH got home from work at 9pm. He is currently working 12 hour days and the weekend and is knackered.

He saw the washing up hadn't been finished and said "I honestly don't know why you find it so difficult". It was like a red rag to a bull, I was accused of overreacting but to me it just signifies that our relationship will never change, he will never cut me some slack and he will always see me as I was 14 years ago (a bit of a slattern) and no matter how much I change it will not change anything.
We had both talked about our reactions to things but obviously he doesn't hear when I say that those kind of comments are demoralising and he just focuses on how I need to change my reaction to things.

I will sound like a complete child now but why the fuck should I change my attitude when he still has the same attitude towards me?

I appreciate that this isn't the worst thing to happen in a relationship but it has been eating away at us for years.

What do I do?

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 30/01/2014 10:19

He is being an utter prince.

Sounds to me like you're keeping on top of stuff just fine.

It's always a slightly chaotic house of cards with children unless you spend every minute cleaning. That's no life.

He's knackered and you're not allowed to be?

Tell him to belt up, grow up and cut you some slack.

Looking after little ones is very time consuming. Unless of course you ignore them to make your house sparkle.

Can you afford a cleaner?

Original poster
TinyTwoTears · 30/01/2014 10:27

We can't afford a cleaner unfortunately. Would be the best thing ever!
He went and did it because he doesn't like getting up mess in the morning so fair dues, but its his attitude that fucking kills me. I don't have to justify why I didn't finish the washing up.
It makes me dislike him intensely sometimes...

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 30/01/2014 10:31

I'm not surprised it makes you dislike him. He's being a plank.

And he doesn't get the monopoly on being tired either. He works 12 hour days and I'm sure you're up in the night too.

Read What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen, highlight pertinent parts and then make him read it.

DizzyKipper · 30/01/2014 10:31

Actually with 3 kids, including a very young baby who needs to bf often, I think you're doing amazingly as it is! I'd be quite annoyed if my DH had that attitude with me. He clearly doesn't understand how much just being a mum and looking after the kids requires of you, let alone expecting you to make the house sparkly clean as well!

sleepyhead · 30/01/2014 10:35

Maybe he needs to get up an hour earlier in the morning to do some housework. I'm sure if he manages his time more effectively then he'll be able to fit it all in.

TalkingintheDark · 30/01/2014 10:39

Wow. So you're prioritising your baby's growth, development and health over the washing up, and he's pissed off with you?

Time for you to get pissed off with him, I think.

What happens in your arguments? Is there equality in your roles? It sounds as if he's in the (bad) parent role, telling you what you should be doing and getting angry with you when you "fail"; while you get upset and try to defend yourself and feel put upon.

Do you feel like you have equal authority in your relationship or is he somehow "the boss"?

Perhaps you need to make it clear to him where he's failing you as a DH, make it clear that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable and be the one asserting your authority for a change.

TalkingintheDark · 30/01/2014 10:43

And what sleepyhead said Grin

and dizzy too

Joysmum · 30/01/2014 10:44

Tell him if he thinks so little of you to take 3 days leave and he can be responsible for all chores except breast feeding when he can sit down too.

After those 3 days, he'll learn that although he does long hours, you haven't got it easy either and things might be better.

I'm lucky, when I had DD hubby 'worked from home' for 2 weeks and so fully appreciated how hard it was for me with a newborn when he returned to work (and we only have 1child).

mcmooncup · 30/01/2014 10:48

Sounds an awful way to live.

Life can be so much better.

Arguing and getting anxious over some prick's housework standards is my idea of hell.

Take it that all housework is your domain?

Does he say "what have you been doing all day?"

Do you secretly wish he'd disappear off the face of the earth?

Chattymummyhere · 30/01/2014 11:39

Even with two children my dh would be happy if I managed that (we do have a lot of pets though)

gnushoes · 30/01/2014 12:06

Dishwasher, if you've got space and can afford it.

PottedPlant · 30/01/2014 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spindlyspindler · 30/01/2014 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TinyTwoTears · 30/01/2014 13:24

He does housework at the weekends, so Hoover the entire house and tidies but I feel guilty while he does it as I think he is doing it as a point because I haven't hoovered and there's a bit to tidy.
His other phrase is "this place is up to its neck". Er, no, no it isn't. He completely exaggerates about it because he is worried that I will revert back to old habits. 14 years ago I used to leave the washing up from the night before to just before I cooked the next evening meal. That was 14 years ago. I haven't done that for at least 10 years.
Very much that he acts like a parent. But when I do get angry, the focus becomes my anger, not his attitude to me.

After dc3 was born we talked and he said he wouldn't say anything about the house but he just can't help himself.

He rang from work to say that we should go on holiday this year (haven't been on one for a while) probs because I was still grumpy this morning, but I would rather he just shut up about the housework for two months.

I'm still not the best at housework but get a grip DH.

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 30/01/2014 13:48

I hear you. Housework is a constant struggle for me too. I hate it. I used to get like you if my husband made some comment and it was always a source of arguments. It still is to some degree but you know what has really helped?? Taking the attitude of not considering it my job. It has taken a looonnnnggg time for this particular penny to drop. I do what I can and what I'm happy with and if he mentions anything re what hasnt been done I suggest he do it. I have disconnected my feelings that it is all my job so any inadequacy re housework has gone. Breastfeeding takes a long time and it is so worth it. My advice is smile and thank him for taking the time to notice that he needs to help out more about the house. And if it helps as far as I can tell with real life friends and family, housework seems to be a big source of arguments. Sounds to me like your doing great and your big eejit of a husband needs to be helping out more.

SharonCurley · 30/01/2014 22:16

In exactly the same boat op.Things seem ok for a few weeks after a big row and then it starts all over again.Cleaner once a week but even with that its a constant battle to get everything done.Dh works away and if he comes home to a few dishes it always causes an argument.I'n beginning to get resentful. Exhausting trying to Bfeed and look after dcs and keep on top of housework.Feel very sad about it actually.The dcs are a priority as far as I'm concerned.As long as they are fed well, bathed,in clean clothes,entertained,a good routine and happy then that's all that matters to me.

SharonCurley · 30/01/2014 22:21

And no you are not over reacting.How would he feel if someone constantly criticized his work despite the fact that he was working really hard and sleep deprived!I am cross too.In fact I must stop writing now because I am becoming very cross ...

DameFanny · 30/01/2014 22:21

Well, how about suggesting that if he wants to live in a show home and come back to a place as tidy as he left it, he needs to find a place without a wife and children in it.

Ask him why he's treating you like a child? Don't let him turn it around into something about your behaviour - if he does, tell him that's not the point - this is about his behaviour. What will he say?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 30/01/2014 22:28

Stop letting him throw his weight around.

Who cares if you weren't arsed doing housework 14 years ago.

If he's bothered about washing up, then it's his fucking job to do it.

You have 3 children to look after including a breastfed baby.

I don't know how you can stand living with a man who thinks he's your boss.

I'd tell him to fuck off on holidays on his own and and not bother coming back.

TalkingintheDark · 30/01/2014 22:38

"Very much the he acts like a parent. But when I do get angry, the focus becomes my anger, not his attitude to me."

Yes, because you are locked in those roles of parent and child. His anger is justified and reasonable, yours is childish and unreasonable (in this schema, I mean, obviously, not really!!) It's really warped.

Do you want to take on this power imbalance in your relationship? Do you know that you actually do have power here? He needs you, and the massive way you enrich his life, much more than he's letting on, with his crappy, undermining comments. You do not have to take this.

Maybe you need to start by recognising yourself for the ENORMOUS contribution you make to your family life. You agreed before you had your DC3 that you would "do your best" - wow, can you see how that attitude diminishes you and devalues all you actually DO do, and have done for years?

You are not his child, you are his equal (at the very least) and you need to start thinking of yourself as such.

Fairenuff · 30/01/2014 23:00

No it won't change, it's been going on for fourteen years, it will continue for as long as you are together.

Personally I think life is too short to spend it arguing about housework. If this was me I honestly would not be able to stand it.

In our house me, dh and the two children all do the housework together. If someone sees something needs doing, they just do it. We never fall out over it, it's just such a non-issue.

Living like this would be unbearable.

Sad
Original poster
TinyTwoTears · 02/02/2014 14:25

So, this weekend was a lot better.
He explained that he is results driven so if I say I am going to do something and don't do it, it really pisses him off. (That explanation pissed me off, but I stayed calm). He took the two older DCs out for most if the day and I told him I would be feeding the baby first, then I would the dirty washing in the hall into the dirty washing basket and that's all I would be doing. We both stayed calm.
DH has also read a thing in the paper about unresolved arguments really affecting children who hear their parents argue. This really made an impact on DH and since then we have managed to resolve things before we get too shouty.
He will still be grumpy, which manifests in moaning about the cleaning, but I will remind him of various things said over this weekend and carry on keeping calm.
As the children grow up and notice things more I think this has a big impact on DH as he doesn't want to make their childhood unhappy. And I suspect he doesn't really like making me unhappy either ...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/02/2014 14:37

Look, this man showed you how it was going to be at the beginning of your relationship

You went on to have 3 kids with him

(bear with me, this is not a "you made your bed, you lie in it" post)

my point is, you have 2 choices

  1. carry on as you are (getting more and more resentful) because he isn't going to change unless...

  2. decide you don't want to live as someone else's skivvy with so little respect and end the relationship. Perhaps he will be shocked when he realises yu are serious this time

The fact remains, you have a little paddy every so often. But he makes a few of the right noises but nothing changes. So change it this time. Or shut up. Those are your choices.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2014 14:38

cross posted

see you back here in a couiple of months... Sad

Original poster
TinyTwoTears · 02/02/2014 17:25

I think I will just shut up then. All other things being equal I'd rather try to sort this aspect of our relationship out than give up on it. DH is aware that this is a big problem and doesn't really want it to be.

Difference is I won't bring my paddies to MN. I posted in a strop which a bit futile really. It's annoying for other people to read how annoying DH is I expect.

Thanks for your views. Not said sarcastically btw.

OP posts: