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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

PLease can you help me clarify things

44 replies

Headmess · 30/01/2014 08:08

I just need someone to read and tell me what the issues are. My DH and I have a tendency to argue quite a bit and yesterday my car spun on snow/ice and I had a real fright and sat in the car on my own plucking up the courage to call DH for sympathy. Obviuosly because of the shock and my shaking it all came out in a bumbled mess and I asked him to come and get me (5 mins from home). When he got to the car I was telling him that because I had seen normal cars driving ok that perhaps my tyres were a bit worn out? There was no effort to touch me/hug me. His first plan was to tell me to drive his car home (4x4) and he wanted to test mine to see how bad it was. I clearly was still shaking from the slip and said I didn't want to (felt the car was given priority or that he wanted to prove that it was just my bad driving etc) So I got out of the car and started walking home at which point he lost it with me yelling "how ridiculous" etc and then agreed reluctantly to drive me home.

So we get home and I run to bed crying and he comes up saying how he couldn't understand my explanation and to tell him again what happened (still completely missing the point that perhaps I didn't want to keep going over it) so finally he tried to hug me but I was frozen to the spot so he complained about my positioning and grabbed me by the arm and grabbed my glasses off (about as unloving as you can get).

I jumped out of bed and into the children's room and asked for some space, where he followed me (ignoring my request) and then started to be gentle, lay down next to me and suggested I come to his meeting as a distraction ( I help him out sometimes).

So in the evening we had planned to go out for dinner and on our way I said that honestly he scared me. He had shouted unprovoked at me the night before. I asked him why he hadn't apologised for the shouting and he said he hadn't worked out if "he'd had the right to shout at me for that incident" thats telling isn't it? I pulled him up on it and he agreed to not meaning it like that but is it telling that it slipped out? He often gets angry if he hasn't heard me and says its because of my mumbled voice which perhaps I have always had but feel its worse when I am around him. The thing is he says "WHAT?" in such a harsh manner that I often mumble it again which obviously drives hum mad. He says the reason he shouts is me, that I raise his blood temperature.

Sorry this is long. will stop there.

OP posts:
Onesleeptillwembley · 30/01/2014 08:22

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Logg1e · 30/01/2014 08:24

You sound sad and a bit lost. What brings you pleasure at the moment, what do you look forward to?

Logg1e · 30/01/2014 08:27

It's funny Onesleep I sometimes feel and act helpless and seek-attention. My partner responds with patience and love. I hope he'd say I do the same when he's struggling. Neither of us has ever shouted at the other, snatched glasses from the other or pondered whether we had the right to.

ParsleyTheLioness · 30/01/2014 08:28

I wonder if there is a big back-story to this. Your reaction to the ice-incident does sound a bit dramatic...were you not expecting there to be two cars at the scene meaning they would both need to be driven home? Maybe you thought he would just walk? If you mumble more and are fearful because he is a bully, that is a different situation. Need to know more really.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2014 08:30

I understand that you were a little shaken after spinning the car but I'm not quite sure why you needed someone to come and rescue you. Wouldn't it have been simpler to calm yourself down, restart the engine and crawl the five minutes back home? Or walk home and get the car later? You say you mumble. Are you generally quite a nervous person that lacks confidence? Or is it just around him?

ParsleyTheLioness · 30/01/2014 08:30

I agree the glasses incident sounds off...also having a 'right' having to shout.Sounds abusive.

Sparklysilversequins · 30/01/2014 08:34

I am afraid I agree with onesleep unless there is a back story to this. It sounds like he couldn't do anything right for you tbh.

Joules68 · 30/01/2014 08:34

I agree you sound like a drama queen. Most people don't react like that I'd imagine!

There must be more to this than the snapshot you have given

uninvited · 30/01/2014 08:34

For some people apologising can be very difficult thing to do

They won't admit it

Head maybe he was scared because he knew how serious your accident was but instead of giving you all the support you needed at that point...

Helpyourself · 30/01/2014 08:35

That's very unkind onesleep.
OP -you were in shock, and your husband was u sympathetic.

Original poster
Headmess · 30/01/2014 08:40

The slide was down a steep hill, there was no way that I could have got back up. I ended up in a hedge and 2 men helped push the car out. My confidence plummets around him. I am always assessing what is reaction might be. Even today I was getting the childens school things into the car and had to really think what previously he hadn't liked, in the boot/on the passenger seat? Couldn't remember so left them on the floor of the garage. I am never like this with anyone else. If you were visibly shaking would your other halves not have given you some contact first?

OP posts:
Original poster
Headmess · 30/01/2014 08:43

I wouldn't have even been able to walk up/no pavement and unsuitable shoes. Thanks for the sympathy Helpyourself. He barks at me a lot - I don't know how to stand up to it.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 30/01/2014 08:47

OP I have sat on the floor and cried helplessly over stupidly small things - say a split bag of shopping. My partner comes in, hugs me and puts the kettle on and helps me sort out the disaster.

Don't we all sometimes just feel overwhelmed and in need of a bit of kindness?

Logg1e · 30/01/2014 08:49

OP, I don't know how to stand up to it.

Could you imagine saying to him, calmly, "It's not ok for you to talk to me like that"? Could you practice it in the mirror? You'd be aiming for assertive and firm rather than angry. Keep your tone low and speak slowly with full eye contact.

Superworm · 30/01/2014 08:50

Pulling your glasses off is not on. He has made you vulnerable by not being about to see clearly.

He sounds overbearing at best and you sound worn down emotionally. Everyone has their own way if doing things. If he is that bothered about how the car is packed up he should do it him self.

And yes, it's completely normal for someone to ask if you're ok after an accident Hmm

Cabrinha · 30/01/2014 08:51

It is telling that you posted in Relationships, not AIBU. You know there are real problems.
Wherever detail you put in your post, you know how you feel, you know the back story.

If you posted your first 3 paragraphs in AIBU, I'd give you a pasting.

But your last paragraph changes how I feel.
Forget the details of the car incident.

Let's focus on the fact that he shouts at you when you don't like it, you feel you mumble around him, he intimidates you, and he accuses you of raising his blood pressure.

Now when I do think about your ice incident, I still think "FFS, deal with it" I start to wonder, why is your confidence so low that you can't?

Now that could come from you. I don't see abuse everywhere - you could lack confidence and that could drive him potty (which is still no excuse to shout). Or his intimidating manner may have made you lack confidence.

In the first 3 paragraphs, he did nothing wrong. You don't sound scared of him, as you rang him got help anyway.

If I were you, I would consider counselling. If you are an anxious person and it's not his fault, it will help you. If it is his fault, it will help you on the path to recognising that.

Cabrinha · 30/01/2014 08:54

We've cross posted. Feeling scared, second guessing... Not like this with others... I would try to be assertive on your own, a change like that needs support. Call Women's Aid for advice and support.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2014 08:55

Hi Headmess

Sorry to read about your accident yesterday, am not surprised you went into a state of shock.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

BTW his reasons for shouting at you are spurious excuses (they all say she made me do it); he acts like this because he can and he is choosing to do so. My guess too is that he is only this awful with you, with everyone else particularly to those in the outside world he comes across as kind and caring. Abusive men can be very plausible to those in the outside world.

How old are your children; what do you think they are learning about relationships here?. Sound travels within the home, they likely hear all the rows.

What were you like before you met this person, I am actually wondering if you are now really a shadow of your own self. You seem very afraid of him and his reactions, walking on eggshells.

BTW I once had an accident about 5 minutes from home and I could not drive the car back due to shock that set in soon afterwards. No-one had a go at me for not being able to do that, infact a policeman drove it back for me. My DH was very sympathetic.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2014 08:59

Becoming more assertive though is nigh on impossible when a person seems to have to second guess their partner's reactions to any mistake no matter how minor.

In your circumstances Headmess I'd be talking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

UnoriginalUsername · 30/01/2014 09:03

onesleep - your post is unhelpful and unkind

op - I've been in similar situations I.e car spinnning/ accidents and my dh initially reacts the same - sort out the practicalities, move the car etc. Then goes for the hug/emotional bit.
On that point i dont think he was being intentionally unkind just think that's how a majority of men work - solve the problem first.
Was the car causing an obstruction?

I do understand about you being nervous to drive back, but your dh offering you his 4x4 sounds more of a concern for your safety - expressed in a man way (if id just spun a car my dh wouldnt be letting me get 10 paces near his Grin )

I cant comment on the other areas, however his actions, intentional or not, are upsetting you so you need to talk so he csn understand what sort of support you need from him in emotional situations

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2014 09:05

If you spend all your time second-guessing your partner's reaction (implication being that you fear a negative reaction based on past experience) then that wouldn't be a healthy relationship at all, it would suggest there is some bullying. If you're with someone who saps your confidence ditto.

Logg1e · 30/01/2014 09:17

This thread takes the ticket. I don't know what the answer is, but I know it's not this:

"You're attention-seeking, he's done nothing wrong".
"You're being abused, ring Women's Aid"

rainbowsmiles · 30/01/2014 09:27

it sounds to me that you express yourself non verbally and expect him to pick up on your various non verbal expressions of emotions. He sounds like he needs clear verbal communication.

The way you are behaving seems very childlike. Perhaps he has done this to you or perhaps you've never learned how to communicate effectively.

For what its worth mumbling drives me up the wall. Why do you mumble? Why could you not just tell him when he came "I am scared and upset I need you to be kind". It sounds to me like you could both do with some counselling in how to communicate.

Unless of course hes a horrible bully in which case ignore me as I've no experience with that.

Original poster
Headmess · 30/01/2014 14:48

Thank you all for the input. I was definately expecting to go home in 1 car as the road was unpassable, they closed it an hr later and we struggled to get back up the hill in his car. Just a matter of waiting for the gritters and then all ok again. I don't know, just wanted to give an example of how I feel (scared to call) and how I feel that I can't rely on him for any kind of sympathy. If I saw anyone trembling I cant imagine approaching the car and looking round it first to see if the car was ok. I guess I just imagine that normally people would be relieved to be able to call their other half?

Maybe I do need counselling, maybe he's right and it is all my fault, can't stand the shouting though. If he is in a bad mood, EVERYONE knows. If I am then I just keep the family ticking and wouldn't dream of taking it out on the kids or passer by. hmmm. Maybe I just try and avoid too much contact with him if I am going to annoy him so much. Feels so lonely though.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2014 15:08

If you routinely find your partner intimidating or frightening, if you have to think twice before speaking, avoid certain subjects or expressing certain opinions, if the phrase 'walking on eggshells' applies to the way you live, if - in short - you feel you can't be yourself when you're with your partner then that is often indicative of being under the stress that comes with bullying or emotional abuse.

So when he tells you that you need counselling is the implication that there's nothing wrong with his behaviour but you're a bit wrong in the head?