PLease can you help me clarify things

[Headmess]

I just need someone to read and tell me what the issues are. My DH and I have a tendency to argue quite a bit and yesterday my car spun on snow/ice and I had a real fright and sat in the car on my own plucking up the courage to call DH for sympathy. Obviuosly because of the shock and my shaking it all came out in a bumbled mess and I asked him to come and get me (5 mins from home). When he got to the car I was telling him that because I had seen normal cars driving ok that perhaps my tyres were a bit worn out? There was no effort to touch me/hug me. His first plan was to tell me to drive his car home (4x4) and he wanted to test mine to see how bad it was. I clearly was still shaking from the slip and said I didn't want to (felt the car was given priority or that he wanted to prove that it was just my bad driving etc) So I got out of the car and started walking home at which point he lost it with me yelling "how ridiculous" etc and then agreed reluctantly to drive me home.

So we get home and I run to bed crying and he comes up saying how he couldn't understand my explanation and to tell him again what happened (still completely missing the point that perhaps I didn't want to keep going over it) so finally he tried to hug me but I was frozen to the spot so he complained about my positioning and grabbed me by the arm and grabbed my glasses off (about as unloving as you can get).

I jumped out of bed and into the children's room and asked for some space, where he followed me (ignoring my request) and then started to be gentle, lay down next to me and suggested I come to his meeting as a distraction ( I help him out sometimes).

So in the evening we had planned to go out for dinner and on our way I said that honestly he scared me. He had shouted unprovoked at me the night before. I asked him why he hadn't apologised for the shouting and he said he hadn't worked out if "he'd had the right to shout at me for that incident" thats telling isn't it? I pulled him up on it and he agreed to not meaning it like that but is it telling that it slipped out? He often gets angry if he hasn't heard me and says its because of my mumbled voice which perhaps I have always had but feel its worse when I am around him. The thing is he says "WHAT?" in such a harsh manner that I often mumble it again which obviously drives hum mad. He says the reason he shouts is me, that I raise his blood temperature.

Sorry this is long. will stop there.

You are not a drama queen, you had a fright and your OH gave you no help whatsoever apart from marking you feel worse.

Sounds to me like you're walking on egg shells around him with his moods and aggressive behaviour, no wonder you feel down.

You seriously need to have a frank and honest chat with him. You've probably always mumbled so why is it driving him mad now, because he is choosing to let it, not you.

How dare he get angry cos he has a problem hearing you, honestly, it aint you OP.

Regarding shouting at you - nobody has 'the right'. If H thought you were overreacting or being illogical, still no need to yell. Maybe it's his hearing not you mumbling. And graduating from raising his voice to removing your glasses and grabbing your arm - unacceptable.

If you felt he didn't get why you were upset, flouncing upstairs didn't help, unless you were trying to avoid quarrelling in front of the DCs. Different if you want to put physical space between you if you see he is becoming aggressive or confrontational.

Does he get impatient with the DCs? Others? Or does he save a short fuse for you?

I had an accident recently just outside work. I was pretty stressed and my car was driveable but clearly (and noisily) fecked.
I called DH who dropped everything and drove 50 miles to get me. Not once did he yell. His first words were "you ok sweetheart?"

You see Katiescarlett that would just never happen here. I would love him to have used those 3 words.

You deserve better. You really, truly do.

We married young, urrgghhhh what a mess. Thank you for your words though.

But when I read the whole thread again why do some people think that his actions are normal? I don't know what to believe. I have no way of getting perspective.

20 years this year here I like to pretend I was a child bride but 25 is pushing it a bit...

Your feelings are valid. If you feel scared then there must be a reason?

Congratulations, thats a lot these days!

Thank you, your responses mean a lot.

Can you talk to him about his communication style and how you feel when he gets angry?
A loving partner might get a bit defensive but would try to understand and would absolutely not want you to feel that way.
Is he in any way amenable to this sort of discussion?

Well I can only talk from my point of view. Your husband only started yelling when you began walking home which in my view was behaviour of an uncommunicative teenager. It was a stressful situation and from your description of events, in my opinion, clearly made worse by you.

When you got home you ran to your bedroom crying. Do grown ups really behave like that?? I think that behaviour would irritate me. He wanted to know how it happened. Not unreasonable given you had expressed an opinion that there may have been a fault with the car. He then tried to cuddle you and you didn't respond and then ran into another bedroom. By this stage I would have told you to stop behaving like a child and when you felt better could you come down and explain clearly how the accident occurred in order that I might make a decision as to whether to book the car in to the garage urgently or not. But no, your awful husband actually tried a third time.

Everyone is different but I would find your reaction to the whole situation frustrating in the extreme. And mumbling is the most passive aggressive communication technique. And you know what? shouting is not great but I think you might find (stepping out of the typical response here) all couples variously shout. Not great but hardly indicative of anything more than normal losing one's temper. And if you mumbled all the time I'd say "what" harshly because mumbling is irritating in the extreme.

He was only giving me one option and that was to attempt the same route home, I didn't feel comfortable, he wouldn't accept that so I felt all I could do was try and walk it. By the time I got home, I just wanted to escape the shouting for both of our sakes. I realised we werent getting anywhere and that I was still in shock and needed some time to calm down/breath. I asked him for some space, I thought that was acceptable?

he sounds like a bit of a bully: you are thinking about your actions constantly in fear of his reaction. not good.

the ice: i have spun on ice and it was truly frightening. from your description, sliding down a steep hill and into a hedge must have been pretty awful.

but i do have to say that i find it extremely annoying if someone mumbles. sorry it's one of the things that really grates.

i wouldn't say ltb but i would sit down and have a serious talk with him about the detrimental effect his shouting has on you.

Well headmess it sounds a little like changing your version of events. I think you were stonewalling your husband. He may not have acted perfectly according to the book of perfect husbands I grant you but ive yet to meet one of those perfect people.

he tried to hug me but I was frozen to the spot so he complained about my positioning and grabbed me by the arm and grabbed my glasses off (about as unloving as you can get).

• this is not unloving, it's plain aggressive

I jumped out of bed and into the children's room and asked for some space, where he followed me (ignoring my request)

• this is failure to respect your wishes, see also refusing to hear the word 'no'

My confidence plummets around him. I am always assessing what is reaction might be. Even today I was getting the childens school things into the car and had to really think what previously he hadn't liked .........I am never like this with anyone else.

• this is walking on eggshells, and does not happen in equal, loving relationships

I can't rely on him for any kind of sympathy.

• if a person you love doesn't sympathise with you, in any circumstances, what is he (or she) doing in your life at all?

If you were visibly shaking would your other halves not have given you some contact first?

• yes, definitely.

Try to get hold of a book called 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. See if it resonates with you. I'd also suggest a look at the links on this thread. See what you think.

Thank you wyrdybird - I can't understand how I am getting completely differing reactions to my concerns on this thread. I guess that's my lack of confidence. I thought I was being strong and showing I wouldn't accept aggression when he was rough with me and me walking away. I don't even know what stonewalling is? Have spent ever since wondering if I am in fact a spoilt brat but just can't imagine other men I know being like this? Even friends husbands have been mentioning my nasty ice incident and asking how I am.

I agree with rainbowsmiles . You called him , he came . He only shouted when you flounced off leaving him with two cars to deal with . Asking you to drive your own car back wasn't unreasonable and walking away was childish .You've then run to bed crying . If anything I'd say he has pandered to you . There's no way I'd be fussing around an adult who's lay in bed crying .
Why are friends husbands asking about your nasty ice incident ? Doesn't everybody skid a bit in ice , is it really that big a deal ?