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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't let go

32 replies

happymumday · 29/01/2014 20:49

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I've already had some great help and advice just reading other posts.

I separated from XP in August. We had been together 18 years, from very young, and have 2 dc's (13 & 9)
After a few years of being very unhappy and 'staying for the children'
I finally plucked up the courage to tell him I didn't love him anymore and wanted to separate.Telling him this was absolutely heartbreaking and I still feel so very guilty. He agreed to go stay with his parents,telling dc's it was all my fault, and left thinking I was just
being moody and would be asking him back in no time. I realised very quickly it was the right thing to do. I haven't once missed him.
I feel like myself for the first time in years. I'm happy and excited about my future, have rediscovered my friends, and I no longer have to sleep on the edge of the mattress! DC's are happy and settled and have coped amazingly well.
XP on the other hand is not doing so well. He refuses to move on. He hasn't sorted anywhere to live, will only see DC's at my house or take them out one at a time because he doesn't want me to have time to myself. He won't collect the rest of his things, and so refuses to give me his door key in case he needs anything. I know he has been in the house while I have been at work. He hasn't paid a penny towards the house or bills since the day he left, yet still says it's his house (it's rented and completely in my name). I have tried to get tough with him but he sobs and cries and tells me he can't cope. He does this in front of the kids for their sympathy vote.
When I say he's not being fair he tells me I asked for it when I 'kicked him out'.
I am in the very early stages of a new relationship and am terrified that when he finds out it will tip him over the edge. How do I get him to back off and move on without feeling like an utter bitch, when he still has to come and see dc's? Or am I asking too much too soon?

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/01/2014 20:54

Change the locks.
Don't allow children out unless they all go. He waits for them outside.
Put his stuff in bin bags outside your house.
Ask him if he wants his children to see him as a big baby for sobbing and crying in front of them. Treat it as a tantrum and ignore it.

wontletmesignin · 29/01/2014 20:54

Change your locks.
Refuse him entry to your house even when hes visiting his kids.
He takes both out or doesnt bother taking either.

Put your foot down and tell him what you want to happen is going to happen. It will help you both in the long run

Lweji · 29/01/2014 20:55

Does it show I have no patience for emotional abuse, or emotionally abusive exes? :)

LadyAlysVorpatril · 29/01/2014 20:56

Agree with Lweji. I'd feel sorry for him if he wasn't being such an arse. .. and doing it in front of the kids is awful.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2014 20:58

Change locks. Don't rely on him for anything. His relationship with his dc's is his own business, stop enabling it. Don't let him over your doorstep. Stop engaging other than with arrangements to pick kids up. Where he lives is his own problem. You have to be tough now and don't allow him to emotionally blackmail you.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/01/2014 21:01

All of the above.

And tell him, when he starts crying, to give it a rest with the crocodile tears.

Hassled · 29/01/2014 21:02

The guilt is making you tolerate things you should not be tolerating. You need to lose the guilt - you have no reason to be guilty.

Bag up his stuff and take it to his parents - he has no right to have it at your home. Change the locks. And think about telling him about the new relationship - it might actually be the closure he needs. It might be enough to start him moving on.

Original poster
happymumday · 29/01/2014 21:04

Wow! I think that's what I needed to hear! the problem is I really do feel sorry for him. He's never had to look after himself before and he's failing miserably. I think I just needed some reassurance that I wasn't out of order. I feel so guilty. It took such a lot of strength for me to tell him it was over, now I have to find some more.

OP posts:
fiftyandfab · 29/01/2014 21:08

Change the bloody locks! Dump his stuff. Stop giving him head space. Don't be guilty, you're not.

MrsKent · 29/01/2014 21:08

You are happy with your decision. He is entitled to being sad if things are not as he'd like them to be but even then needs to act acknowledging what's going on. You both need to set new boundaries. Let him know what you expect: his clothes out the house, the key back, arrangements for time with the children... His emotional estate, if he chooses to cry or say to the children whatever he says is not something you can control.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2014 21:12

I can do sympathy, but this bloke is using his kids to try and influence you and that is unforgiveable

lotsofcheese · 29/01/2014 21:15

I'd speak to the landlord/letting agency before changing locks, if it's a rental property...

gobbynorthernbird · 29/01/2014 21:25

As long as the LL gets copies of the keys there won't be a problem.

Original poster
happymumday · 29/01/2014 21:26

I like it here already Smile
I imagine the next time I see him he will be 'calling in for a cuppa' on his way home from work. As dc's will be here how would you let him know he can't stay? (I have been going up to my bedroom while he stays downstairs) Older DD wouldn't be a problem she is very aware of how thigs are. DS is very sensitive and thinks Daddy is a superhero. Should I contact him before he just turns up? I don't really like initiating a conversation as I think he likes the attention.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 29/01/2014 21:28

what you're going through is the script.. everything you've listed my ex pulled and i'm sorry to say, nearly 5 years on he still thinks he's coming back.

you'll stop feeling sorry for him when he does the nasty thing and it will come.

You have to tell him about your new relationship at some point.. warn your new bloke first and expect an avalanche of crap.

He will pull every single stunt in the book to split you up.. my ex went around saying my bloke was a peado praying on a young family. I had to call in a favour to get him stopped. Get it out of the way now.. it won't get any easier later on believe me.

he will hound, ring.. spread storys and really lay it on thick with the kids.. because he knows you'll try to smooth things down as fast as possible so the kids don't get upset.

Do everything that's been said upthread and evict all of his stuff asap.. even if you have to take it to where he's staying.

Leave the keys in the door turned in so he can't get in during the night and I really would recommend changing the locks if you can't get the key back.

If it get's too much.. ring the police and ask them to have a word and keep on doing it until he gets the hint.

Expect the solicitor letters and the threats to take your kids from you.. this is common and won't go anywhere... I would also expect a complaint to social services who quickly see the score and keep out of it.

My ex is an extreme parasite.. he's got his girlfriend on pills because she can't get rid of him. Don't engage with any talks he might want.. it's exhausting and no more letting him in the house.

juneau · 29/01/2014 21:29

I agree with what everyone else is saying. If this marriage is over and you've moved on then you have to act like that. By not being firm with your ex you're giving him hope that you'll change your mind. He's keeping his foot in the door by keeping a key and leaving his stuff in the house in that hope. Time to bag it up and tell him you'll be dropping it off. Ask him for the key back when you do, and if he doesn't give it back, change the locks immediately.

This is your house now and you need to be firm about that. He doesn't live there any more, much as he may wish things were different.

Original poster
happymumday · 29/01/2014 21:31

It's a housing association property. I think they'd be fine with me changing the locks but will ring as check before I do anything. I'm just a little scared of his reaction. I've started leaving my key in the lock when I go out and he has commented that he's noticed so may not be a complete surprise to him.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 29/01/2014 22:21

Slightly off-topic, but I'm mildly astonished mumday - did he really live with you for 18 years, and have 2 DCs with you, in a house rented in your name only? What was that about?

Original poster
happymumday · 29/01/2014 22:26

Walkacrossthesand I agree it is mildly astonishing. I am obviously something of a control freak. Absolutely everything has always been in my name. I have been a mother of 3 and he has been more than happy to let me. It's just how things have always been. Part of the problem I'm afraid.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 29/01/2014 22:33

I suppose when he says it's 'his house' he means it's 'his home'... Has splitting up been on the cards for a while?

gamerchick · 29/01/2014 22:38

I was with my ex for 15 years and I was the named tenant as were all the bills in my name. it's not that unusual.

Original poster
happymumday · 29/01/2014 22:48

Splitting has been on the cards for me a long while. The thought of splitting up dc's family kept me from doing anything for over a year. Ex was aparantly oblivious. He just thought I was a 'moody cow'

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/01/2014 22:59

I would say it is very sensible, as an unmarried mother, to keep a secure tenancy in your own name

not odd at all, and just as well in the circumstances

Walkacrossthesand · 29/01/2014 23:08

Indeed. I was going to expand on that, but on reflection, just the one word will suffice.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 30/01/2014 10:13

'I really do feel sorry for him. He's never had to look after himself before and he's failing miserably.'

Look at what you've said there!

Not: 'I really do feel sorry for him. He loves me still and misses us all.'

No - wihout thinking you've hit the nail on the head - he's stropping, blackmailing and manipulating your children in order to get back his cook/cleaner/parenting-relationship-facilitator/pants washer. HE is his priority here.

STOP feeling sorry for this. The best thing you could do to help this GROWN ADULT actually learn to be a grown adult is to do all the above. And before you do so, if you can, have a very frank chat - email might be better than face to face- telling him the new rules and making it clear that if he doesn't stop manipulating the children, you'll be discussing restricting access completely and he can go to court.

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