He won't let go

[happymumday]

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I've already had some great help and advice just reading other posts.

I separated from XP in August. We had been together 18 years, from very young, and have 2 dc's (13 & 9)
After a few years of being very unhappy and 'staying for the children'
I finally plucked up the courage to tell him I didn't love him anymore and wanted to separate.Telling him this was absolutely heartbreaking and I still feel so very guilty. He agreed to go stay with his parents,telling dc's it was all my fault, and left thinking I was just
being moody and would be asking him back in no time. I realised very quickly it was the right thing to do. I haven't once missed him.
I feel like myself for the first time in years. I'm happy and excited about my future, have rediscovered my friends, and I no longer have to sleep on the edge of the mattress! DC's are happy and settled and have coped amazingly well.
XP on the other hand is not doing so well. He refuses to move on. He hasn't sorted anywhere to live, will only see DC's at my house or take them out one at a time because he doesn't want me to have time to myself. He won't collect the rest of his things, and so refuses to give me his door key in case he needs anything. I know he has been in the house while I have been at work. He hasn't paid a penny towards the house or bills since the day he left, yet still says it's his house (it's rented and completely in my name). I have tried to get tough with him but he sobs and cries and tells me he can't cope. He does this in front of the kids for their sympathy vote.
When I say he's not being fair he tells me I asked for it when I 'kicked him out'.
I am in the very early stages of a new relationship and am terrified that when he finds out it will tip him over the edge. How do I get him to back off and move on without feeling like an utter bitch, when he still has to come and see dc's? Or am I asking too much too soon?

Thanks for all your words of wisdom. He 'called in' as usual, made a coffee, sat himself down, plugged his phone in to charge and I got so mad I managed to say my piece. He didn't like it at all, threw a tantrum and hurled insults at me, told me how I was ruining his life etc. I felt awful but I didn't back down and he walked out in a strop. Typically I spent the night feeling guilty, maybe I'd been too tough. Fast forward to Sunday when he knocks on the door!!!! waits for me to answer it, then comes in without taking off his shoes or coat and asks if dc's would like to come to his (didn't speak to me but that suits me just fine) both together, at the same time!!! They were only gone a couple of hours but this is huge progress. He's told DC's (not me) that he'll see them tomorrow, and my gut tells me he'll just turn up here, should I text him and tell him he'll have to take them out, or wait for him to turn up and hope for the best? I haven't asked him to take his stuff yet, but I'm working up to it. Oh this is hard work!

This calling in whenever it suits him is another way of trying to control things. I'd be pushing for an agreed access timetable.

He sounds like a professional victim . They are severe emotional abusers and have no qualms inflicting emotional abuse on children . He is already doing this by bleating to them and sobbing in front of them . Consider dealing with this legally .

it is hard and it will get harder before you're done. At some point you're going to flirt briefly with the thought just to let him back as it's easier and you're weary. Resist that thought.

Start packing his gear up and hand him a bag each time he comes..I just did the whole clean sweep, hired a van and dropped it all off by surprise. The longer his gear is at yours, the longer he'll have hope that he can get back in.

Change the fucking locks!

Next time he turns up, tell him that you both need to agree a contact schedule, and to stop just popping in as he doesn't live there any more.

Christ, yes, I am now wishing there is a SCREAMING FACE SIGN on MN - please, please CHANGE THE BLOODY LOCKS! Today, tomorrow at the latest. He won't get the message until you do this. And see a solicitor.