rubbish job, rubbish homelife, dont know what the point of me is anymore

[Chyochan]

^That really.

I cant seem to get a new job despite trying, still not over ex even though its been nearly 2 years, still think about it all the time, how pathetic am I, I am begining to worry there is something really wrong with me and that I will never get over it, I thought I would feel better by now, I dont know what else to do.
My kids are teenagers and dont need my anymore.
I feel like my life has lost all meaning.

I'm sorry you feel so down and that things appear hopeless. Do others know how you're feeling? Do your DCs know? Would you consider talking to your GP or, if you're very desperate and unhappy, Samaritans?

How long have you felt like that?
What is it what used to make you happy?

I would'nt want the kids to know, they are too young to be burdened with this kind of thing.
I am going to make an appointment with the GP, though I dont think it will achieve anything, I was on ADs before and it dosent really change anything.

Its been very up and down since split with DP, really dont know why its being like this.
Being in a relationship with ex made me happy, I guess, before that looking after the kids.

Your DCs are teenagers. They need to know you're struggling. It's not 'burdening' them, it's simply being open and allowing them to respond appropriately. There comes a point in all parent/child relationships where the roles get reversed for a while. Do you have family or friends you can be with or talk to?

Thanks Cog, I agree but their dad has quite serious MH issues so I am the one they rely on and I dont want to upset or worry them.
Im not close that way with family and would feel strange trying to talk to them about this and with friends, I have talked to them but I guess they just kind of say well its been ages now, you should be over it and they are right really, I dont know why this is happening to me.

They'll be worried about you already. It is far better to tell them that you are feeling down in the dumps because you can't get a job and because you feel lonely than leave them in the dark wondering if it's something far more serious.

Anyone who's been through a serious break-up knows that two years is not 'ages'. Anyone who has been out of work for a long time knows how depressing it is. If your friends are unsympathetic then ask your GP if you can be referred for counselling.

How long have you been looking for a new your job?
Did you have anyone to have look at your CV?
Have you had any interviews?

Thanks Cog,
I have got a job, its just that it is very lonely and boreing, all day Im sat at a screen with nothing to do, on my own.

I know Im lucky really that I have a job. I have been trying to get something else but without success.

I sort of try to cover up how I feel to the girls probably, I dont think they notice, I am always quite bubbly around other people. Also they have their own lives and interests now, which is good really.
I dont want to give them more stress, my youngest is only 15 and my older girl is going to uni in sept. I dont think they are worried about me atm.
I tried councelling about a year ago, it was not any good.
I feel compleatly fucked really and dont know what to do to get out of this.

Thanks antimatter, I think my CV is ok as Iv had loads of interviews but just no offers.

Im sure if I had a job with more to do and some friendly people I would cheer up, at least it would take my mind off things.
Its getting so bad if I wasnt broke I would just quit and get a voluntary job somewhere more lively.

I just dont understand why Im still feeling so bad about what happened.
When I read posts about how people are indeferent to their exs Im envious as this is what I want desperatly, it just does not seem to be happening for me and I cant figure out why.

I just wanted to post about the feeling you have with the kids, I think it is normal. I completely lost the plot, wondered what the meaning of life was and everything once they had grown up, my dd moved out and I felt surplus to requirements - job I hated, so get where you are coming from.

I started a distance learning course to give myself focus, I have a degree and other qualifications, but I just felt like something was missing and that's what I did to fix it - and it did help.

Just to let you know that I think it is completely normal. I think that a person can cope if work is shitty as long is home is ok and visa versa but if both seems shitty it is really hard to get through. I got over the kids not needing me as much - because they do - they need me but in a totally different way ( usually can I borrow a tenner!) so have hope, this part at least does get better.

Thanks, Im glad you are feeling better.
I have (very very recently) started to try to learn French, bought myself a CD, lesson 1 went really well, I can now say 'its not possible for me' in French, which I was impressed with, even if there is no one else here to hear it.

I feel like acedemicaly I know its normal for people to go though things like this when life changes but this and being dumped by the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with has left me feeling like I have no future at all, I just cant see anything to look forward to or how I can change anything.

Do you really think 2 years in no time at all? I really hope that is true.

Iv had relationships breakup before and I guess Ive been hurt but never has it taken anything like this length of time.

I dont feel it is normal.

"I just dont understand why Im still feeling so bad about what happened"

If your life seemed to be on an upward trajectory and you had a good social circle, interesting work and more cash then you wouldn't be thinking about the ex so much. You'd be too busy. But from a standpoint where life appears to be a bit ho-hum you are possibly stuck in the nostalgia of things being better before rather than missing him per se

It does take a lot longer than 2 years to move on. From my own experience, it took years before could even say the word 'divorce' without feeling nauseous. My coping mechanisms involved travelling a lot with my job and going on singles holidays because the less time I had to spend looking at the four walls of an empty lonely home, the better. Also spent a lot of time over a lot of with various lovely friends.

The one thing you can change is your future. It takes a lot of effort and determination but you have to start setting yourself goals and challenges. Doesn't really matter what it is, but make a point of putting stuff in your diary so that you're starting to think forward and not getting stuck Miss Haversham-like in the past. Learning French... great!... but go to a night-school to do it rather than listening to a CD because then you're with other people.

Ok going to book myself in on a creative writting course, starts in May tho.
I have absolutely no interest in being a writer, I dont even read novels, but it could help me to express myself? people are always telling me to write it all down in a letter (and not send obviously)

Creative writing sounds brilliant. (Note to self) Being pushy now... :) ... what can you put in the diary between now and May that is also sociable, interesting and cheap given that you're on a budget? Visiting an old friend you haven't seen in a while? Tracking down a local book group?

Is there is activity you could imagine taking up as a hobby?
I friend of mind has joined a choir and absolutely loving it! They even had a Christmas dinner, it seems very social.
PS: Your kids DO need you, just in a different way.

just feeling really shit now, cant stop crying, I just cant see any way out of this

My singing voice is unusually ugly,

It doesn't matter, it is not a professional thing, it's just for fun.
Just want you to know that we all have moment when we feel like this, believe me. Things will improve.
Keep looking for that job, in the meantime try to find the social side through a hobby. I know it's not easy, I struggle with this as well.

Is it really that you can't see a way out or is it that you'd just like things to go back to how they were and it's not going to happen?

Chyochan, can I just say that you sound like a wonderful mother to be so considerate of your daughters, and the fact that they seem to be so independent is a great tribute to your good parenting so far. But they do need you. They might not need you to wash them and get them dressed but I am sure they love you very much and you are their rock.

You are right to look elsewhere for stimulation and interest but don't think you don't matter to them.

I am sorry you don't feel over your ex but I think, as you know, and as others have suggested, finding something to fill the gap would be a big part of this.

Sneaky suggestion: if you are alone at work and don't have much to do, this will be very welcome once you have started your creative writing course! Write in very small point size directly onto your own usb stick and no one will ever know what you are doing.

Thanks for all the kind comments.
I have been making the effort to see people, I make sure I do at least one social thing a week, and Iv taken up yoga twice a week.
Before I was with my ex I was single for ever, and I was never lonely, I was happy.
This is the first time in my life Iv felt lonely.
I know things can never go back to how they were, I dont want them to, my ex was not very nice to me for the last couple of years, I guess I would like it if he was like how he was in the begining but not how it was really.

What I'm trying to get at is that if the thing you really want.... i.e. some past state of 'how he was in the beginning' ... is totally unobtainable, you are going to keep bumping up against it and it'll keep making you feel desperate. Ditto that feeling that the rest of your life has been snatched away because the future you anticipated is not going to happen.

When you were single pre-ex I suppose your DCs being younger took up more of your time. Are you actively dating now or do you not feel ready to do that yet?