being blanked by ex colleague

[behindthescentedcandles]

Silly, but it is distressing me.

I started a new job. The role I took on was being vacated by a woman who was leaving on promotion to another department.

We spent about 2.5 months in the same office, first few weeks she showed me the ropes, then she covered other duties in the office.

She was quite cold with me while we worked together, but i assumed she wasn't interested in being friends, or was shy, or whatever. I didn't really pay much attention and got on with my job.

Anyway, she left to go to her new post, but she is still firm friends with the other women in the office, so joins in on office social functions.. They're all great friends and that is fine, but the issue is that she blanks me. It is really odd and unsettling. At one social event I made a number of attempts at conversation, and was cut dead. One that sticks out was asking her a question, and getting a one word answer, then a colleague joining us and asking the exact same question, and the response being a huge, expansive reply. Ok, I have thick skin so i still didn't take it too personally. Then at another social event, she didn't acknowledge me at all, and cut me dead again when I made a few attempts at conversation. I am certain now that she does not look at me, or greet me, ever.

I am at a loss because she is an ex colleague, so technically shouldn't factor in my life at all, but because she is involved socially with my colleagues, I feel awkward and pushed out. Another colleague is organising a theatre trip and I would to go and have been invited, but I heard her say today that she is going and now I feel like I should steer clear, even though I would like to socialise with my colleagues and build those relationships.

I could go and try to ignore her, but then I would spend the evening feeling awkward, and the tickets are expensive, so I would like to enjoy myself.

I have no idea what I could have done, and I am a friendly person, not pushy or loud, but confident, and people generally like me. I have never experienced anything like this before so on an intellectual level I know it isn't me, but at the same time, starting a new job has lowered my confidence a bit and this silly petty thing is getting to me. It feels awful, and it feels worse because it shouldn't be an issue, if that makes sense.

Advice or empathy welcomed, but please be gentle.

I tend to think avoiding people doesn't have much of an impact on them & just restricts your movements. Counter-productive. Ignoring hasn't worked so I think all you're left with is confrontation. 'Have I done something to offend you?' ... 'Is there a special reason why you keep blanking me?' BTW Have you asked your colleagues what's going on?

I agree, ask her straight out. Good luck.

No I haven't. I was considering it while typing the post.

The thought of doing it makes me uncomfortable, but I suppose it is an option, although if I did and they denied all knowledge then I would be concerned that I came across as needy or paranoid. It's not clear to me whether or not this behaviour is apparent to others.

I feel like if I tried the first suggestion she would deny it.

Those are my first instincts, but I will consider both options, thanks :)

Is it possible that she is jealous of your long handover? I know that sometimes when I've left jobs, I've rather resented the incoming person for getting all my hard won knowledge about how to do the job on a plate when I'd pretty much built the role from scratch. I know this is petty!

How should I word it?

ah screw her. sounds like she's jealous of you? you replaced her in her little clique - maybe she hasn't made any new friends in her new role?

you could go to theatre and not sit near her.. talk to one of the others?

Some people won't like you and you'll never know why. It took me a long time to realise that not everyone will like me because I am nice to them. Sometimes they just don't want to. I wouldn't ask her what's up, I would just ignore her entirely beyond saying "hi" with a smile. I certainly wouldn't stay away from social engagements I would go and just ignore her beyond the "hi". Stop trying so hard, she doesn't deserve it.

'Whats your problem pal?'

Sorry, x-posts. She did build the role from scratch, so maybe that is it, any ideas how I could fix it?

I would go and just ignore her and if she speaks to you just be polite. If your rude to her your colleagues will notice !!
Why does ir really bother you anyway, I really cant be bothered wasting any headspace on people like this.

I know that not everyone likes everyone, and I am fine with people not wanting to be friends, or disliking me. It's the blanking I am having trouble with. Never come across it before, dents my confidrnce and makes me paranoid (sorry for typing style, very tired and on tablet - going to bed soon, thanks for all your replies)

There was someone like this at work. It taught be an incredibly important lesson. Turned out that this spiky, intelligent, successful woman had crippling social anxiety. She 'knew' certain people on the team and was great with them. Short and cutting with everyone else. Took a lot but we ended up friends. She might just be rude but you never know.

I know, usually I wouldn't care. For some reason it has affected me. It doesn't feel good. Anyway. I will have to get on with it.

I wondered about social anxiety. When you say it took a lot, could you give me a few pointers I could try, what about email or something?

A lot of asking her professional opinion (she was much better at that than social), some nights out (better after a glass of wine!), I was friends with her friends so naturally spent some time with her. Really, just knowing that it was her not me helped me to not act sniffy back.

Thanks. It is something to consider.

It sounds like jealousy. Are you younger, more attractive, intelligent, popular than her? Maybe she feels threatened by your confidence? I don't think you can make her like you if that's the case, and saying something will just attract attention to the situation. A polite hi, and smile, and then put it out of your mind.

I certainly wouldn't confront her and ask her why she is behaving like this. But could you not ask someone else in the office in a casual way. Like I don't know if it's my imagination but x seems very off with me. Choose somebody who will be discreet!

Maybe you've done very well at her old job, better than her, and she feels like she ought to have been missed more?

AIBU? A new girl took over my role at work, and I completely showed her the ropes. The thing is, I think that she is doing the job better / differently / worse than I did it (delete as appropriate) and it pisses me off.

Not only that, but she seemed to think that we would be friends, when I patently have no shared history, or any emotional investment with being friends with her - it's not like I'm going to be working with her in the future!

The thing is, I know I sound a bit needy, but not only has she taken over my job, she is also nicking my friends and pushing in to social functions, like she is trying to replace me.

AIBU to hate her?

Not providing any words of advice, but this may be what is going on in her head.

Maybe. But blanking me because of it? I get not being friends, or even friendly. But why not even a hello? This can't becommon In the workplace, or am I being naive? I'm not young -32. Or particularly attractive.

I find it baffling.

But thanks for the replies. I will cope, I'm sure.

I am like TerryPratchett describesd. Once I know people I am fine so you wouldn't know for observing but I find new people very hard. I can't make eye contact or speak much. I get jokes but can't laugh, etc. I can't shake their hand (normal way of meeting new people and already they think I'm rude).
I think its being kind to assume this is her problem. Its more likely she's just rude. Ignore her. But ir is a possibility.

It's because she feels threatened by you.

Personally, I wouldn't bother with her beyond being polite. Anything otherwise and you are handing her a lot of power. You are letting you know her opinion matters to you.

Go to the function, have a ball. Don't let her worry you (or pretend she isn't).

She maybe hasn't made new friends at her new role, so that is why she is clinging on to them.

Yeh, I think that is one of my issues here - I know this shouldn't be a big deal, so don't want to feed into it if she is deliberately trying to freeze me out. Will also keep in mind the social anxiety thing, but again, probablynwon't bother with any grand gestures.

Thanks v. Much for all replies. Night.

Don't ever show you're upset, if you do and she's a bit of a bully it will make her worse. I think just a cordial Hi (if you have to but don't go out of your way to do so), and leave it at that. In other words don't give her the opportunity to keep knocking you back. She'll soon get bored/cave in if she sees her unpleasantness is not affecting you.