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Original poster

What is the least selfish course of action?

27 replies

foxybingodotcom · 28/01/2014 20:40

Apologies if this is long or in the wrong topic, I thought this might be the best place for some advice.

I'm currently happily married and have a DS who is 2.5, we conceived him after 2 rounds of IVF with ICSI and various FETs and were absolutely thrilled to find out it had worked and we had one remaining embryo which was frozen. We decided when he arrived and made our lives amazing that we'd give it a shot with the frozen embryo when the times was right and if it happened it happened and if it didn't it didn't.

So roll on 2.5yrs later and it didn't happen . .

I'm now tortured with the decision we made and my DH feels that was irrelevant and we can make new decisions now based on how we feel.

The issue is really that I would desperately love another child and to give my DS a sibling but to even have another try which is a looong shot anyway would cost me both financially but also emotionally and I'm scared of what that cost is - previously there was no-one else to think of but me and DH and we're both adults, now my DS needs to be at the centre of my decision making and I can't decide if it is more selfish for me to try again or not to try at all . . .

Apologies if this is rambling, i've thought myself round and round in more circles than I care to think about anymore!

OP posts:

Custardo · 28/01/2014 20:42

if you have the money do it

if you don't ...don't

it really is that simple

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 28/01/2014 20:46

have you thought about adopting?

brunette123 · 28/01/2014 20:48

I don't think it is selfish to try at all - the majority of children have siblings. If you can afford it financially then I would do it and see what happens. You need to do what you feel would make you happy and not cause you regrets for the rest of your life - I do not see how having another baby would be wrong for your DS and it sounds to me as though you would regret not trying at least. I wish you happiness whatever you choose. If you decide not to go ahead or if you do and it doesn't work, you have DS. Why not try and be fatalistic about whether it works - better to try than not try? Good luck xx

Original poster

foxybingodotcom · 28/01/2014 20:50

I have the money, the issue is whether it's a big fat waste of money when it doesn't work that could have been better spent elsewhere.

It's not really about the money - I suppose I can write it off ok in my head.

I don't think we would adopt.

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/01/2014 20:52

Custardo is right.

Although what it means to "have the money" becomes a much more complicated decision when you have a child.

But really, this one is about what you and your DH want and what you think is best for your family as a whole.

Original poster

foxybingodotcom · 28/01/2014 20:55

Thanks brunette123 sometimes I think just writing it down makes it easier to see the wood from the trees, I suppose looking at it objectively and answering custardo too I just need to be able to write off the money and a couple of months of my life and that's all it's really 'costing' me/us.

I've totally overthought this I think but it's not easy when it fails.

OP posts:

brunette123 · 28/01/2014 20:55

That's the thing though - it is a gamble - you have to risk the money with no guarantee like you did the first time presumably - if you want another child how can it be a waste of money to try? Will you regret not trying - I think that is the real question - you sound to me as though you would.

Dahlen · 28/01/2014 20:59

Having already been through this once, I'm sure you've already made your peace with the knowledge that spending all this money could result in no money and no child. If you are still ok with that, I wouldn't let the money side of things distract you.

I think the fact that you are worried that you may have a negative effect on your DS by putting yourself through the process once more shows that you probably won't. In a way it's a variation on the "what if I love the second child more/less than the first" that parents with non-assisted pregnancy experience. You're thinking about it. Therefore you will do your best to mitigate it. Therefore it will probably all work out fine.

What does your DH want?

Kandypane · 28/01/2014 21:00

You say you went through ivf twice and a frostie for son 1. I suppose you need to think about if first ivf doesn't work - how many times are you willing or able to try again for a sibling. Because as you know it's unlikely, not impossible, for you to try just once and it works. Is this a path you want to get on again? (And I now how bad it is - currently on ivf cycle number one)

Custardo · 28/01/2014 21:03

i think you need to think through your reasons for wanting another child

is it becuase you want one or you want a sibling for your existing child becuase you think that being an only child is unfair

i think being an only child has massive advantages in terms of resources or all kinds including parents and finances

in your position - and forgive me, i am being perfectly plain here - i would rather spend the thousands of pounds giving my child a private education ad a good school than having two children and giving them both a mediocre existance

i know that love should overcome etc, but unless you are very flush, that you can afford to lose a few thou and it not really make a difference, i think you really need to eximine your reasoning.

i would rather concentrate my efforts on getting an only child the best chance he or she could ever ask for in life, so that they can get on the property ladder, not need to share my inheritance with their siblings and give their family ( your grandchildren) an even better leg up in life

Bogeyface · 28/01/2014 21:05

Boiled down to its bare bones you need to decide what you will regret more.

Will you regret not trying to have another child more or less than you would regret trying but the treatment failing?

I am not saying it wont work, it did before after all :), but I would base the decision on the knowledge that it may not (thats just me, I am a "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" person).

Personally, I would try. Then at least I would know that if it didnt work, I gave it my best shot.

AmazingJumper · 28/01/2014 21:06

Do you want another child? If you do then give it a go.

I don't see where selfishness comes into it? It kind of makes you sound like a martyr.

Dahlen · 28/01/2014 21:08

Custardo - I thought all of that and only intended to hvae one child. Then I went and had twins.

I have to say though that while it has cost me dear (and will them in terms of paid-for opportunities, as you rightly say), I'm actually glad now. I am aware it doesn't always work out because not all families get on quite frankly - a sibling is not a guarantee of someone who will love you and be there for you for the rest of your lives. However, in our case it seems that the bond and joy created as a result of having two has enriched all our lives and more than compensated for decreased finances. I will admit that maybe that is because most of my family are dead.

In short, I think there are pluses and minuses to both only children and multiple children - people tend to concentrate on whichever suits their situation and/or desires the most.

Bogeyface · 28/01/2014 21:10

i would rather spend the thousands of pounds giving my child a private education ad a good school than having two children and giving them both a mediocre existance

II have to take issue with this.

There are far more families with children in state schools, little money, no inheritance to speak of than there are with all of the "advantages" you mention. I would not for one second say that they live a mediocre "existence". One of the unhappiest people I know had everything you mention, it is no guarantee of a happy or successful life.

Your suggestion that a private education and the full inheritance is better for a child than a sibling is......well laughable and frankly fucking insulting.

Original poster

foxybingodotcom · 28/01/2014 21:10

Argh - thats the huge internal debate custardo because all those things are true and that is a real tangible use of the resources that I have and the positive spin that both me and my DH have been putting on calling it a day and giving DS a great start. But will I regret this in 5 years when it's too late possibly, will DS resent not having a sibling? I would love another child for me and for DS but realistically I'm using the resources for a lottery ticket!

Eeeek! Tortured with this decision!

OP posts:

AmazingJumper · 28/01/2014 21:12

Of course he won't resent having a sibling, unless you plant the thought in his mind.

Original poster

foxybingodotcom · 28/01/2014 21:35

Bogeyface I agree with you too but it's not "advantages" versus sibling which would be an easy choice (and by advantages I don't mean a private education, maybe a bigger house and some holidays) but it's "advantages" vs. a miniscule chance at a sibling.

AmazingJumper I think you have miss-pegged me - by no way am I a martyr I will always count my lucky stars for all I have and be bloody grateful it worked one time for me - I also don't fill my DS head with bad thoughts but I've known only children who've pined for a sibling before and I don't think it was the parents doing.

OP posts:

Soundofthecrowd · 28/01/2014 21:37

Bogey face I totally agree. What snobbish people think private education is the be all and end all...?

Bogeyface · 28/01/2014 21:43

Foxy I get what you are saying. And I understand that the chance of a sibling is small, but this isnt about probabilities is it? Its about emotions.

You want another child and you can afford to try. Your DS will not suffer from you trying to have another child, he just may not have as privileged a life, there is a massive difference.

In 20 years will you regret trying and failing more than you will regret not trying? After all, it may happen, it happened before. Your chances are no different now than they were then.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 28/01/2014 21:44

Excuse me while I get on with my mediocre existence

Fucking hell.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 28/01/2014 21:45

Good luck op, I think you should go for it

Bogeyface · 28/01/2014 21:47

FYI, its a child, the OPs child. Its not a fucking "do-er upper"

Original poster

foxybingodotcom · 28/01/2014 21:51

Fuck it, do it and if it doesn't work I've lost out on a few grand, a few months and a few tears and if it does, well, yeeha!

If it doesn't I'll know we've tried our best and make our peace with our lot (which is more than I'd have dreamed of at one time anyway).

Thanks for the perspective. Sometimes it just needs to get out of my head!

OP posts:

ateddybearfromdelaware1 · 28/01/2014 21:52

Good luck op!

Stripyhoglets · 28/01/2014 21:56

Well other than the fact that if you have two you may have to condemn them to a mediocre existence at state school (personally we state educate in part to avoid people who have those types of opinions) - I would say to go with your heart. Do it for you and your DH not for what you think your child wants, they may be lovely siblings together, they may not but if you want another child then go for it.

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