Opinions on my marriage please

[MrsAnonymousYummyMummy]

I am interested in other people’s perspectives. I will try and not make it too long (maybe make a cup of tea!)

A bit of background on me, I come from a very dysfunctional family and have no support from them either practical or emotional. I do have a few friends although only one who I would say I am close to and is a positive support. I have attracted friends and partners that are no good for me. I was married previously but our relationship was volatile (big rows every few weeks which was horrible) and he cheated on me several times. It was a hard experience but thankfully having no children made a clean break possible.

I have been with H for 8 years and we have a 3 year old DS. H has always been moody but has had periods where good moods outweigh bad moods. He can get very wrapped up in himself and not take much notice of me. Over the years we have had ups and downs and a couple of times when he has been especially moody/distant for a period of time, I have threatened to end the relationship at which point he has always been more positive towards me. When our son was born I did appreciate the emotional and financial support (I was SAHM apart from working 3 evenings a week), although the practical support I got was very little. I wouldn’t say our relationship when my son was young was great, but I think no relationship is perfect and I thought it was ‘good enough’, especially given the pressures of having a child. H found having a child hard especially as he was my sole support (me having no family to help). I also found it hard and I know I wasn’t jolly all the time although I was never horrible towards him. I did get down at times, I had rows with my family and also my grandfather died which led to more family rows, this caused me stress which he told me he found difficult to deal with as I would talk about it/get upset and so on. He often said how unhappy he was his reasons being his job, and the pressures of family life.

18 months ago I stumbled across a message he had with a friend (a girl) on Facebook saying that he was unhappy at home and wished he was in Australia (he’s always said he would be much happier living there), and the only reason he was here was because of our son. I thought we were OK at the time as I had been a lot happier in myself the few months prior and saw no reason for him to be unhappy with me/our relationship. I confronted him and he apologised and said he was just having a bad day, he didn’t mean it etc. Not long after that I started to feel down again, I put it down to problems with my family but looking back think this was at least partly to do with this and we grew more distant. A few months later, we functioned more like co-parents – he wasn’t affectionate or attentive towards me but still expected sex. I wasn’t keen (though still slept with him sometimes) and he was not happy about it. I said that if he wanted me to want more sex then he would have to change the way he was towards me. I said the only other options were to carry on as we were, or split up. He said split up then, then went to bed in the spare room. The next morning he acted like nothing had happened so I reminded him of his decision the night before. He tried to backtrack but I felt angry so I insisted that he see it through although I kept it friendly. He went through the motions of looking for somewhere else to stay although at the same time turned into Mr Charming himself. After a week of this I thought maybe we were being hasty and proposed we work on things to which we agreed. We agreed to be more attentive/affectionate with each other. Mr Charming didn’t seem to stay for very long and 4 weeks later his moods had gone super sour. One weekend his mood was so bad I confronted him and he said he wanted a ‘6 month break’. I was like wtf! I said if he was that unhappy to just leave! (although I didn’t want to split up). He was sending mixed messages all weekend saying he loved me and our son, telling me that he was depressed but at the same time being awkward and disagreeable. I looked through his phone records and found he had been phoning and texting a certain number for the last 3 weeks! I was devastated and confronted him, he admitted an ‘emotional affair’ with a girl but claimed they had only kissed and not slept together (she was living with her long term partner). I told him that I thought it was best he go and he didn’t disagree. He found a place to rent shortly after, I asked him why he wasn’t trying to save our marriage and he said he felt it best he leave.

He left and it was awful, the first couple of weeks I was crying and was faced with the reality that I couldn’t financially support myself going forwards so threw myself into finding a job with more hours. Then I started to actually feel a bit better, not all of the time but at times felt more positive and confident than when I was with him. I had to see H quite often as he had to look after DS whilst I was working which was hard.

Anyway, he started being super nice again, arranging for someone to mow the lawn, and other little favours. I didn’t want to be acrimonious at all so was happy to be friendly. He also started to say he was sorry for everything, he was wrong, he realised he made a mistake and so on. I asked about his ‘girlfriend’ and he said that it never came to anything, he realised straightaway it was a mistake etc. I told him I wanted to be friends only. This carried on for a while and then one day he got really upset and cried (which he’d never done the whole time we were together), and begged me to give him a chance. I agreed to work towards giving our marriage a chance but not rush anything. We talked loads and he said all the right things. We started spending time together and it did feel really good, like it did in the beginning. After a few weeks we were dating and he was spending some nights over.
I thought maybe the break although painful had done some good if we could get a positive relationship out of it.

In the meantime I did actually manage to find a job with the right pay and hours, although it is a temporary position (ongoing).

Anyway, things seemed fine until he moved in a couple of months later. He started getting distant / grumpy sometimes. He also stopped doing his house jobs he’d agreed to do and got defensive if reminded. I had a falling out with my sister and was a bit pre-occupied sometimes which he didn’t like. He also put me down with regards to my job (he said I took it the wrong way) and pressured me into joining bank accounts again which I wasn’t happy with (we still havent). After only 3 months I was really unhappy, I wasn’t sure how much the disagreement with my sister had upset me and whether that made me more sensitive. H admitted he had issues, he claimed his job was really stressing him and he agreed to see the doctor. At this point though, I think my feelings changed and I kept myself at an emotional distance from him. He promised he would address his issues and his behaviour has improved greatly. 4 months later and I don’t know if I made the right decision staying with him, in some ways I wish we had stayed split up when he left as it would have been easier, on the other hand ideally I would want to keep my family together.

Main reasons I shouldn’t be with him

1. When we were apart sometimes I felt more confident and positive, like I wasn’t being suffocated anymore

BUT I did also miss the part of him which is loving and caring

1. He has treated me poorly in the past for example swearing at me, hitting doors, throwing things at wall (not at me). He has criticised me, talked down to me, been verbally aggressive towards me (tone and body language rather than name calling), refused to engage in conversation other than functional, not offer affection or positive attention.

BUT, his behaviour has improved; he hasn’t hit or thrown anything for a good couple of years or more, he has had stress at work which he has found difficult to deal with and has had added pressures of child and me as I have no family support. I may be getting things out of perspective concentrating on the negative things only. He doesnt call me names or scream in my face.

1. Even though he is treating me much better than previously he can still be grumpy/critical/aggressive/negative towards me / our son and I don’t feel secure the good/nice behaviour will last

Recent examples (last few weeks):
a) Shouting at DS to ‘Shut Up’ (just for chattering) and then smacking him for throwing something (he’s 3)

b) I say ‘I feel fat’ (before going out). His reply ‘Well you are.’ Deadly serious. When I said ‘That wasn’t very nice’. He replies ‘Oh, I was just joking’ (slightly annoyed tone).

c) He came in from work, I was busy on the computer, say hello then carry on. He grumpily says ‘I may as well have stayed out’. I reply that I’m just busy with something (in pleasant voice). He says ‘You’re in a funny mood and you’re making me in a bad mood now.’

d) I’ll be late back from somewhere and he’ll ask where have I been but in an accusing grumpy tone.

BUT maybe I expect too much, am over-sensitive? Maybe I’m reading his tone wrongly? Maybe it doesn’t help because I am not being affectionate/loving towards him? He is nice/pleasant the majority of the time.

1. He is negative about other people which I find draining.

BUT it’s not his fault I feel drained, maybe he’s being protective?

1. He talks negativey about our son, he has often said in the past ‘I love our son a lot but in retrospect I wish I hadn’t had him.’ The last time he said this I told him it was negative and has said it so many times, and I didn’t want to hear it again.

1. He can moan endlessly even when doing nice things. He’s moaned on holidays, on spa days, on meals out. He moaned about getting a Christmas tree and lights at Xmas.

BUT, he doesn’t always do this, surely everyone is entitled to a moan now and then?

1. He is not sociable, wont have anyone come around the house and will only very occasionally do something which involves other people and then only his family.

BUT, it is up to him if he wants to be sociable, it doesn’t stop me being sociable (outside the house)

Reasons to Stay

1. I do care about him

2. Ideally I think it having two parents at home is better for our son.

3. When considering leaving I feel depressed

4. When I can block out the negative stuff about our relationship and tell myself things are fine I feel happier

5. I worry about financially supporting myself as there is uncertainty with my job and very difficult to find another job that works with childcare / pays enough

6. I worry how he may react if we split – stress brings out bad behaviour from him and worried how he may treat me and/or our son. I was at an advantage when he left as he couldn’t blame me then

7. I hate the thought of dealing with the upset a split will bring

8. I know two other people who left their husbands who are less happy than they were when they were married and so are their children

9. I don’t want to be alone; I’m not worried about being on my own in the short-term say a year or two, but what if I never meet anyone special? He does love me I know that much

10. What if I have a pattern of being attracted to unhealthy relationships – I could go through all this upset to just find myself in a similar situation with someone new. I have no idea how to change my pattern.

11. He is being super nice most of the time now, maybe I should give him a chance? (Although I feel reluctant to reduce the emotional distance I have created)

If you've got this far then thank you :-)

bump

Just one thought from me, OP

If you have to think so hard about it, it's not right for you.

You worry you might not meet anyone special. You don't have to settle for this in the meantime. Please don't let any unhappiness at a second marriage folding sway you into clinging onto this. How long will this phase last? If he can be nice, why does it take you threatening finishing with him to make him so?

Being with Mr Moany Anti-Social is going to impact on DS in years to come. He has already voiced how he feels about DS. Apparently being 'super nice' to you doesnt extend to DS if he shouts at him and smacks him. Fatherhood isn't ringing his bell is it? Not much good you tolerating things you find grate on you when he is going to be teaching DS this is how adult males behave.

You have said you fear that breaking up will add stress and the relationship with DC will suffer. Little kids don't have any clue about adults claiming stress from this and that so they are likely to innocently wind up their parents. They are quick learners though and start to adapt and become people pleasers to keep the volatile parent sweet.

All the time you are going to be doing everything to avoid rocking the boat, your H will be squishing any confidence you have left. You may not have a battalion of supportive loving family behind you OP but you are DS' s best hope of a stable positive influence.

I would move on. He can still have a good relationship with his son. I don't think its worth staying together when he sounds so much work. He only improves when there is the treat of having to leave, and it doesn't seem to last long. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like a yoyo?
Do you want your son growing up thinking that your relationship with H is healthy?

I had a relationship a bit like this, except he also never worked. He was cold, sulky, and demanded sex with no affection. I left him, with DD who was just over a year old. The only regret I have is not leaving sooner! like you, I felt more confident and positive on my own.
I am in a relationship now, and I had no idea how much better things could be... he supports me, is involved with the children, does housework and we are soul mates

I left my exP who was similar to your H. I left him in a messy way where I couldn't make up my mind or let it go because of the reasons you listed too. But I can tell you with hindsight, it would have been a lot better to have had a clean break, because what comes afterwards is ALWAYS much better.

Is there a chance you can get a reduced-fee therapy? I have an excellent woman I see in London for £30 per hour. Obviously you can get therapy on the NHS but sometimes it only lasts for a few weeks. Therapy helped me understand my family relationships, the patterns I developed from them and therefore understand my adult relationships too. That self understanding allowed me to make better choices of partner and am now married to a man where things are consistent and level every day,

Your reasons for leaving far, far outweigh your reasons for staying. None of those reasons are infact good enough, nowhere near good enough to stay any longer within such a dysfunctional relationship.

Is this what you want to teach your son about relationships here; you have a choice re your man and your son does not.

Re reason 10 for staying what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. If you learnt a lot of damaging stuff you owe it to yourself to unlearn all that rubbish through counselling. I would also suggest you have counselling (BACP are good and do not charge the earth) and read too "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Please kick him out and find someone who makes you happy. Relationships shouldn't be that hard.

Be kind to yourself

I think what you're describing goes beyond the normal 'ups and downs' of a long-term adult relationship. It seems to cycle between 'dreadful' and 'tolerable' and there doesn't seem to be any joy at all. The phrase that worries me most is 'when I can block out the negative stuff'... as your main tactic for being happy. That's the kind of coping mechanism hostages use when they are chained to radiators in Beirut and have no choices.

You may feel depressed about a future without him but I suspect that's more a reflection of your lack of self-confidence and fears about finances rather than anything specifically positive about him. The 'better the devil you know' argument is not particularly healthy.

You know that 'super nice most of the time' won't last. If you feel depressed or unsure it's because a big part of you is waiting for it to come to an end. You can't fully embrace the new him because you've been let down too often. That's just common-sense and self-preservation kicking in.

Finally.... do you attract abuse? No. However, on some level, I think you believe abuse is normal in a relationship and that it is your job to find ways to tolerate it. Tell me, how much of your adult life have you spent being single/independent? No boyfriend, no partner, no parents? Who is MrsAnonymousYummyMummy really when she's only got herself to worry about?

Apart from the fact that you two are completely ill matched, he's also a miserable git to boot. I don't know why on earth you are spending any energy on something that is never going to work. This is not a loving relationship, it's making do with a man you can't even trust.

How do I get strong enough to leave? I'm seeing a counsellor next Friday, hopefully that will help. Every time I feel like I may be strong enough to leave I think things like ' You should try harder' 'I expect too much', 'We do have some nice times' etc etc and any resolve just goes!

Thanks everyone btw

It sounds from what you say like there's a real, and quite manipulative, pattern of him only being nice to you when he feels he has something to lose. Which says to me that there isn't a good chance of you ever reaching a stable, happy place in this relationship - nice times shouldn't only happen when you are putting him under pressure. It's really, really hard to think clearly about a relationship with someone who's an expert at pulling your strings - but once you start to see how he's manipulating you with his behaviour, it becomes easier to detach yourself from the emotional reactions, see him and you clearly, and make your own decisions. Good luck whatever you decide.

When you're in an abusive/controlling/bullying relationship the things that suffer most are your self-belief, confidence and faith in your own judgement. Waiting to be in the right mindset can be a very long wait, because the doubts take over and the fears he has placed in your mind win the day.

Sometimes in life .... and this is just my observation.... you have to bury your doubts, hold your nose, take the plunge and let your mindset catch up after the fact. That doesn't mean acting rashly or irresponsibly because there are genuine obstacles that have to be thought about.

However, you already are a strong & resilient person or you wouldn't have lasted this long.

I only got as far as the third paragraph but it just seemed to me that you are constantly accommodating him and being grateful for the crumbs he is offering you yet he doesn't seem to have the same consideration for you.

For example: Grateful for his emotional and financial support. You shouldn't have to be grateful. Your DS is his child too. That is what he should provide as a father and on top of that he should be providing practical support as well.

It all seems to be about him and how he is feeling.

Anyway off to read the rest.

Anyfucker nailed it.

If you are writing lists and agonising over it- it's not right.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Oh dear it gets much worse doesn't it.

With regards point 2 on your reasons to stay. No it isn't better to have two parents when one of them is abusive and manipulative.

He's had an affair.
He doesn't seem to care about your emotional wellbeing
He is verbally and emotionally abusive
He is nasty about your son
And he smacks a 3 yr old. Yeuch. Sorry that would be a deal breaker alone for me.

What do you see in him?

He sounds pretty depressed to me. Have you asked him what's wrong with him and if so what did he say?

Dunno where you get the impression he's depressed from aw11.

Depressed doesn't equate to being rude and insulting, or putting your partner down all the time, or being verbally aggressive, or wanting lots of sex without affection (depression usually kills the sex drive), blaming the other person for everything including his bad moods etc.

Whereas all those things do in my mind equate to being entitled and abusive

He's a moaning, negative misery guts OP, it's not normal to have to put up with this level of awfulness. I'm not surprised you felt more 'confident and positive without him' and less 'suffocated'. I feel depressed just reading about him! I feel like I want to get away from him - which is easy for me I just click on another page - and I think you will be surprised how much stronger and more confident you feel without his lead weight dragging you down. You might miss him a bit at first, that's normal if you've been with someone a long time, but it doesn't mean that freedom is not the right choice.

I also question the benefit of keeping a family together with a father who says he regrets having his son, smacks him for no reason and tells him to shut up. He's not even nice to his kid.

This guy is so far from right for you. You said yourself you felt better away from him. I don't think he is depressed I think you have to accept that some people are just naturally not very nice and he is one of them.
You sound like a bright articulate and intelligent woman trying to figure out someone who plays you like a fish on a line and frankly is not worth your time and effort. Forget trying to figure him out or worrying about his wellbeing at all, he cares chuff all about yours. Get rid as soon as possible and start your lovely bright shiny new life without him. He sounds like he could charge to haunt a house!

Thank you every one for your messages, they are much appreciated :-)

I so can relate to the negativity and grumpiness, and then rallying when it all comes close to ending. That's the cycle my life goes in. What I would say though is that one of my children (who hero worships his dad) is under Child & Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) for horrendously low self-esteem, OCD behaviours and defiance. I can't pretend that his dad's foul moods and general negativity have had nothing to do with it. It is so hard when your self-esteem and self-worth has gradually been eroded, you do wonder where you would get the strength from. However, if I was being really honest, your list kind of speaks for itself. Try and seek practical advice and don't let finances keep you somewhere that you're not fulfilled. I'm such a hypocrite I know!! I'm being offered crumbs so to speak at the moment, and I'm going along with it.

For me, this bit spoke volumes *'Main reasons I shouldn’t be with him

1. When we were apart sometimes I felt more confident and positive, like I wasn’t being suffocated anymore* so if you did chose to end it, cling on to those words 'confident and positive'. No one can tell you what to do but if you read your original post in the cold light of day and pretend a friend had written it what would you be saying?

Hope you're feeling okay and that your counselling session will help. PM anytime x

I was with someone like this. Whenever I got to the point of thinking about leaving he would get better, start treating me well and I would stay. It went on for years, I regret not leaving sooner and now have a DH that is right for me.

Imagine life not worrying about his moods. How does that make you feel?

It's so draining reading your post op and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Of course this must be x100 hugely draining for you in real life!!

I think you both need a much longer break from each other and possibly see a 3rd party like a marriage counselor. If he was really up for working things out then you needn't have to experience the ongoing set backs. It could also be his own natural more selfish state you are seeing (personality wise) which may mean you both are not really compatible. Try to step back and get some help on this in RL. See a counsellor and work on a program if you both want this top work.