I am interested in other people’s perspectives. I will try and not make it too long (maybe make a cup of tea!)
A bit of background on me, I come from a very dysfunctional family and have no support from them either practical or emotional. I do have a few friends although only one who I would say I am close to and is a positive support. I have attracted friends and partners that are no good for me. I was married previously but our relationship was volatile (big rows every few weeks which was horrible) and he cheated on me several times. It was a hard experience but thankfully having no children made a clean break possible.
I have been with H for 8 years and we have a 3 year old DS. H has always been moody but has had periods where good moods outweigh bad moods. He can get very wrapped up in himself and not take much notice of me. Over the years we have had ups and downs and a couple of times when he has been especially moody/distant for a period of time, I have threatened to end the relationship at which point he has always been more positive towards me. When our son was born I did appreciate the emotional and financial support (I was SAHM apart from working 3 evenings a week), although the practical support I got was very little. I wouldn’t say our relationship when my son was young was great, but I think no relationship is perfect and I thought it was ‘good enough’, especially given the pressures of having a child. H found having a child hard especially as he was my sole support (me having no family to help). I also found it hard and I know I wasn’t jolly all the time although I was never horrible towards him. I did get down at times, I had rows with my family and also my grandfather died which led to more family rows, this caused me stress which he told me he found difficult to deal with as I would talk about it/get upset and so on. He often said how unhappy he was his reasons being his job, and the pressures of family life.
18 months ago I stumbled across a message he had with a friend (a girl) on Facebook saying that he was unhappy at home and wished he was in Australia (he’s always said he would be much happier living there), and the only reason he was here was because of our son. I thought we were OK at the time as I had been a lot happier in myself the few months prior and saw no reason for him to be unhappy with me/our relationship. I confronted him and he apologised and said he was just having a bad day, he didn’t mean it etc. Not long after that I started to feel down again, I put it down to problems with my family but looking back think this was at least partly to do with this and we grew more distant. A few months later, we functioned more like co-parents – he wasn’t affectionate or attentive towards me but still expected sex. I wasn’t keen (though still slept with him sometimes) and he was not happy about it. I said that if he wanted me to want more sex then he would have to change the way he was towards me. I said the only other options were to carry on as we were, or split up. He said split up then, then went to bed in the spare room. The next morning he acted like nothing had happened so I reminded him of his decision the night before. He tried to backtrack but I felt angry so I insisted that he see it through although I kept it friendly. He went through the motions of looking for somewhere else to stay although at the same time turned into Mr Charming himself. After a week of this I thought maybe we were being hasty and proposed we work on things to which we agreed. We agreed to be more attentive/affectionate with each other. Mr Charming didn’t seem to stay for very long and 4 weeks later his moods had gone super sour. One weekend his mood was so bad I confronted him and he said he wanted a ‘6 month break’. I was like wtf! I said if he was that unhappy to just leave! (although I didn’t want to split up). He was sending mixed messages all weekend saying he loved me and our son, telling me that he was depressed but at the same time being awkward and disagreeable. I looked through his phone records and found he had been phoning and texting a certain number for the last 3 weeks! I was devastated and confronted him, he admitted an ‘emotional affair’ with a girl but claimed they had only kissed and not slept together (she was living with her long term partner). I told him that I thought it was best he go and he didn’t disagree. He found a place to rent shortly after, I asked him why he wasn’t trying to save our marriage and he said he felt it best he leave.
He left and it was awful, the first couple of weeks I was crying and was faced with the reality that I couldn’t financially support myself going forwards so threw myself into finding a job with more hours. Then I started to actually feel a bit better, not all of the time but at times felt more positive and confident than when I was with him. I had to see H quite often as he had to look after DS whilst I was working which was hard.
Anyway, he started being super nice again, arranging for someone to mow the lawn, and other little favours. I didn’t want to be acrimonious at all so was happy to be friendly. He also started to say he was sorry for everything, he was wrong, he realised he made a mistake and so on. I asked about his ‘girlfriend’ and he said that it never came to anything, he realised straightaway it was a mistake etc. I told him I wanted to be friends only. This carried on for a while and then one day he got really upset and cried (which he’d never done the whole time we were together), and begged me to give him a chance. I agreed to work towards giving our marriage a chance but not rush anything. We talked loads and he said all the right things. We started spending time together and it did feel really good, like it did in the beginning. After a few weeks we were dating and he was spending some nights over.
I thought maybe the break although painful had done some good if we could get a positive relationship out of it.
In the meantime I did actually manage to find a job with the right pay and hours, although it is a temporary position (ongoing).
Anyway, things seemed fine until he moved in a couple of months later. He started getting distant / grumpy sometimes. He also stopped doing his house jobs he’d agreed to do and got defensive if reminded. I had a falling out with my sister and was a bit pre-occupied sometimes which he didn’t like. He also put me down with regards to my job (he said I took it the wrong way) and pressured me into joining bank accounts again which I wasn’t happy with (we still havent). After only 3 months I was really unhappy, I wasn’t sure how much the disagreement with my sister had upset me and whether that made me more sensitive. H admitted he had issues, he claimed his job was really stressing him and he agreed to see the doctor. At this point though, I think my feelings changed and I kept myself at an emotional distance from him. He promised he would address his issues and his behaviour has improved greatly. 4 months later and I don’t know if I made the right decision staying with him, in some ways I wish we had stayed split up when he left as it would have been easier, on the other hand ideally I would want to keep my family together.
Main reasons I shouldn’t be with him
- When we were apart sometimes I felt more confident and positive, like I wasn’t being suffocated anymore
BUT I did also miss the part of him which is loving and caring
- He has treated me poorly in the past for example swearing at me, hitting doors, throwing things at wall (not at me). He has criticised me, talked down to me, been verbally aggressive towards me (tone and body language rather than name calling), refused to engage in conversation other than functional, not offer affection or positive attention.
BUT, his behaviour has improved; he hasn’t hit or thrown anything for a good couple of years or more, he has had stress at work which he has found difficult to deal with and has had added pressures of child and me as I have no family support. I may be getting things out of perspective concentrating on the negative things only. He doesnt call me names or scream in my face.
- Even though he is treating me much better than previously he can still be grumpy/critical/aggressive/negative towards me / our son and I don’t feel secure the good/nice behaviour will last
Recent examples (last few weeks):
a) Shouting at DS to ‘Shut Up’ (just for chattering) and then smacking him for throwing something (he’s 3)
b) I say ‘I feel fat’ (before going out). His reply ‘Well you are.’ Deadly serious. When I said ‘That wasn’t very nice’. He replies ‘Oh, I was just joking’ (slightly annoyed tone).
c) He came in from work, I was busy on the computer, say hello then carry on. He grumpily says ‘I may as well have stayed out’. I reply that I’m just busy with something (in pleasant voice). He says ‘You’re in a funny mood and you’re making me in a bad mood now.’
d) I’ll be late back from somewhere and he’ll ask where have I been but in an accusing grumpy tone.
BUT maybe I expect too much, am over-sensitive? Maybe I’m reading his tone wrongly? Maybe it doesn’t help because I am not being affectionate/loving towards him? He is nice/pleasant the majority of the time.
- He is negative about other people which I find draining.
BUT it’s not his fault I feel drained, maybe he’s being protective?
- He talks negativey about our son, he has often said in the past ‘I love our son a lot but in retrospect I wish I hadn’t had him.’ The last time he said this I told him it was negative and has said it so many times, and I didn’t want to hear it again.
- He can moan endlessly even when doing nice things. He’s moaned on holidays, on spa days, on meals out. He moaned about getting a Christmas tree and lights at Xmas.
BUT, he doesn’t always do this, surely everyone is entitled to a moan now and then?
- He is not sociable, wont have anyone come around the house and will only very occasionally do something which involves other people and then only his family.
BUT, it is up to him if he wants to be sociable, it doesn’t stop me being sociable (outside the house)
Reasons to Stay
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I do care about him
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Ideally I think it having two parents at home is better for our son.
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When considering leaving I feel depressed
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When I can block out the negative stuff about our relationship and tell myself things are fine I feel happier
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I worry about financially supporting myself as there is uncertainty with my job and very difficult to find another job that works with childcare / pays enough
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I worry how he may react if we split – stress brings out bad behaviour from him and worried how he may treat me and/or our son. I was at an advantage when he left as he couldn’t blame me then
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I hate the thought of dealing with the upset a split will bring
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I know two other people who left their husbands who are less happy than they were when they were married and so are their children
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I don’t want to be alone; I’m not worried about being on my own in the short-term say a year or two, but what if I never meet anyone special? He does love me I know that much
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What if I have a pattern of being attracted to unhealthy relationships – I could go through all this upset to just find myself in a similar situation with someone new. I have no idea how to change my pattern.
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He is being super nice most of the time now, maybe I should give him a chance? (Although I feel reluctant to reduce the emotional distance I have created)
If you've got this far then thank you :-)