an emotional abuser with back up

[wontletmesignin]

How do you handle an EA who has the back up of friends and family?

Especially when up against social services.

Its making me feel like maybe i am the one in the wrong here. Maybe i do have all the problems he claimed i had.

Im being pressured to give contact with my ds, and i feel everybody thinks that i should.
But then i have social services telling me that if i do give contact then im putting my child at risk, and therefore not protecting him - which they fully expect of me. So they should.

I agree with the no contact. If SS do also, then why does everyone else comes across as if im an evil witch?

Even the nursery head says to me "if i was asked what i thought -i would say there seemed to be no issues with ds and dad and he seemed like a good dad and ds was happy to see him when he did"

It really is making me feel like maybe i am crazy!

Yet there is nothinf in actual writing stating that i shouldnt give contact and so he still has rights to go to the nursery, which he plans on doing.

If they dont think i should give contact - why havent they put it in writing?

Is this all still a form of abusing me?

Having his mother contact me and things, and contact himself which he denies and his mother defends him saying it was her.

Why would a mother of a son who had a non mol against him stating no contact - why would she then use his email address to contact the person he was not allowed to contact, knowing that he would be arrested.

Sorry for the rant. But who has dealt withis this? How did you deal with ir? Did you also wonder if it was you, when really it was them? And please tell me there is light at the end of it all...

You sound totally sane op. he has clearly managed to manipulate the nursery staff and if his mother was normal she wouldn't have a son like that or be helping in in his creepy attempts to manipulate you and the system.
Perhaps you can speak to someone at ss and ask them for help and advice it sounds like they are getting under your skin which is probably exactly what they want they want you to doubt yourself. Stay strong for your little one and go with your gut instinct.

Any chance you can change nursery? As you know abusers can be plausible and manipulative and sadly too many people get taken in.

Can somebody from SS meet with the nursery head?

They really are getting under my skin.
I just dont see an end. Im trying to stay strong. But jesus...

Nursery is only until june and then he will be in school. He has only just made his first best friend. So i really dont want to take that away from him.

I will be seeing SW in the morning. I dont know if she can put something in writing or if it will have to be court.

I just wish there was an easy way to prove that its him!
I know they always slip up in the end. But i always know an enormous amount of damage can be done during that time. That just terrifies me. Especially where my kids are concerned!

Thank you xx

I also know is what i meant.

There is a core meeting on wednesday, and so all will meet all then.
I just hope he doesnt go to nursery tomorrow.
The officer says that the head teacher said she didnt see a problem with him going. Which boils my piss!

Tell the nursery head that iff SS consider the man a risk to your dc, that's surely enough for anyone.

Tell her that unless she supports you, and your dc that you'll be taking your ds out immediately as her attitude places your child at risk.

As for his family, look what they made, why would you give them the time of day?

End contact, listen to the SS, report every contact to them and the police, direct and indirect, note it all down.

These people are just bullies, they do it out of inferiority and weakness nothing else. You are what they are scared of. You are strong, good, and in the right.

Please develop a thicker skin. Nursery tend to only see any interaction between parents and child for a brief moment in time, when they're being dropped off or picked up. That's a snapshot.

They don't see the DVD of the rest of the crap that goes on. The bit that's the rest of your life. Tell them to butt out, if you have to say anything, or something cryptic like " if only you knew......"

I was gobsmacked when after my ExH left the family home after what was apparently a multiple shagfest with anything with a pulse and leaving me overdrawn and worried about keeping the roof over my and DS's head, both my Mum AND sister said "oh! We thought he was ok. He never did anything to us". So in their heads he's still 'not too bad'.

Mums dead now, but I don't think I ever tried to change their perception of what he was really like and the things I found out much later he was up to. Different to you, I was able to draw a line under the experience that was Shit For Brains. He didn't bother much with contact, maintenance or fighting for what might be considered to be rightly his share out of our pathetic "marriage".

So can I interest you in my new cosmetic product? Skinbethick, only£99.99 for 2ml!

Thank you. I do need to thinken my skin.
Im just super stressed with SW coming today.

Been to nursery and spoken to head. She says she never said he could come and see him. If he turns up she will call me immediately.

It was so hard dropping him off today.
Im going to have it all out with SW this morning and hopefully something can be sorted.

How can he say the nursery head said that, when she says she didnt.

I dont know whats going on, or whats going to happen.
What if the nursery head is lying as she might be strongly against children not seeing both parents!

Youre right, teeny. They dont see it all. Im pleased you were able to make a clean (as you can get) cut.
Im really going to try and keep my chin up and take it all.

Thank you

So, the only evidence you have that the nursery head said this comes from him ?

You have to stop listening to him, and to his family. You say you will stop, but you don't

Listen to SS, and please, no "having it out with them". They are trying to help you, and it seems you are still too in thrall to this man and his toxic family to fully take them on board.

Sorry,i didnt mean have it out like that. I just meant telling them what i feel needs to be done and ask how to go about it.

It didnt come directly from him. It came from a police officer. So yes, it is him.

I am still stuck in it all, anyfucker arent i?i didnt think of it like that until you said that.

Yes, you are, love.

Have you posted on the support thread for people coping with emotional abusers ? I can only have an inkling how hard it can be to free your mind from all the manipulation and conditioning it has been subjected to, but those ladies know their stuff and will understand you like no one else can.

Good luck with SS, and ask them again to clarify what their advice is when you come under pressure from him and his family. And also when you start doubting yourself, as sounds very common in situations like this.

"Is this all still a form of abusing me? "

Yes it is. Bullies don't give up easily and they will pull any low trick to keep you under control. The way to deal with it is firstly to cut all contact with the abusive person, their family and their friends. These have to be designated 'hostile' and you don't let the enemy have access to you. So no chats on the phone, no cosy cups of coffee, no text exchanges... or they will exploit the contact and use it for manipulation.

Second... tell your story rather than keeping his secret. Not to his friends and family because they don't care about the truth and never will. But nurseries, teachers, social workers and others that have no personal connection to him need to understand the situation properly if they are to respond correctly.

Very difficult after an abusive relationship to trust your own judgement and restore your confidence. This is part of the process and, once you come out of the other side, you will have learned a lot about yourself. Good luck

No i havent, but i will post there very soon. I could do with a little more support i feel.

Cogito - i have cut all contact. He is still getting to me through the police officers passing info over and solicitor. Which she says she is going to stop.

I had a good chat with the SW this morning.
She has no concerns with my parenting or my home. Only my choices. Which she feels is down to lack of confidence and things. So the freedom programme needs done - which i am getting sorted. So she is pleased about that.

I spoke to her about the nursery and she said he is not allowed any contact and so he cannot go there.
The nursery head phoned when SW was here and so she heard the head saying, she never had a conversation about him coming to see my ds at nursery and she has phoned the police and there is no record of the officer saying that to me.
So although, it looks like i am going crazy and making things up...the SW heard all of this, bwlieves me and told me that my ex has told her he phones the nursery everyday...when he doesnt.

So he is showing that hes lies!!

You will find the Freedom Programme very helpful. Your ex is using some very tried and trusted manipulation techniques (to be found in the Abusers Handbook) and you ill start to recognise how he used your (understandable) willingness to engage against you

Also, have you read this book ?. You will find your tormentor within it's pages.

Glad the meeting with SS went well. Take all their advice.

The SW sounds really switched on and I agree with AF that she's the one to listen to and place your trust in. Follow her advice to the letter and I don't think you'll go wrong. I'm not sure you should stop your solicitor passing on information, however. Maybe you don't need to know every little thing if it is upsetting but won't you feel anxious if you're kept in the dark?

Thank you both. Yes, i guess you are right cogito. It may be unsettling not hearing anything at all. I will listen to the SW. She said at the meeting tomorrow we will all be on the same page. So i felt supported knowing that!

I have done the freedom programme online, though i know its not the same. It was still a bit of an eye opener.
I have got that book and have read it. I found it really difficult to take it all in and it made me feel like shite for a few days, but i guess thay is expexted.
I also got another one that helped open my eyes a bit more.

I will read that book again as i feel i could do with a reminder of how they work and the things they do.

You may have read the Bancroft book too soon. Try it again.

Lundy Bancroft has another book called when dad hurts mom which I found much more useful.

He talks about how abusive men manipulate mothers and children and spells out really clearly the effects they have on dynamics.

It also has sections on leaving the relationship and how to manage contact with an abuser afterward and the best way to support your children and recover. It's truly fab.

Good idea

I think you are right AF, maybe i did read it too soon. I will try again.

Thanx superworm. I have just ordered it off of amazon. I think that book will be very helpful, especially for my kids.

Doing the FP in person will help. I don't think the online way is good enough tbh.

You need to be Able to see other women saying what you are saying, living the life you led (and worse, and easier) for you to see how much you've suffered.

Online can't do that. You can do the 12wks, and you can re-do them if you need to. You can do the course more than once.

It's free and it's a great support. It's there as a starting block for you to get the help and stability back in your life. It's there to blow away all those nasty grimy corners where his lies and poison have collected.

I agree that it will be better in person. I am quite looking forward to it. Although terrified at the same time.

I definitely need something like this.

The first couple of sessions aren't too tough, make sure you do every single one, no matter how 'terrified' of them you are, every feeling of fear, hurt, anger, guilt, shame, sadness, grief has been felt there before.

Call WA for RL chats, and Mumsnet emotional abuse recovery thread for the rest. Don't forget MN is 24 hours, and the international nightshift crew can hand hold till the European crew has had it's coffee!

Thank you hissy.
I will stick it out. It will be nice to meet people who have been through similar things in person.

I feel bad saying that, as there shouldnt be so many people going/gone through these things!

Maybe they should think about making courses of a similar nature mandatory in schools