an emotional abuser with back up

[wontletmesignin]

How do you handle an EA who has the back up of friends and family?

Especially when up against social services.

Its making me feel like maybe i am the one in the wrong here. Maybe i do have all the problems he claimed i had.

Im being pressured to give contact with my ds, and i feel everybody thinks that i should.
But then i have social services telling me that if i do give contact then im putting my child at risk, and therefore not protecting him - which they fully expect of me. So they should.

I agree with the no contact. If SS do also, then why does everyone else comes across as if im an evil witch?

Even the nursery head says to me "if i was asked what i thought -i would say there seemed to be no issues with ds and dad and he seemed like a good dad and ds was happy to see him when he did"

It really is making me feel like maybe i am crazy!

Yet there is nothinf in actual writing stating that i shouldnt give contact and so he still has rights to go to the nursery, which he plans on doing.

If they dont think i should give contact - why havent they put it in writing?

Is this all still a form of abusing me?

Having his mother contact me and things, and contact himself which he denies and his mother defends him saying it was her.

Why would a mother of a son who had a non mol against him stating no contact - why would she then use his email address to contact the person he was not allowed to contact, knowing that he would be arrested.

Sorry for the rant. But who has dealt withis this? How did you deal with ir? Did you also wonder if it was you, when really it was them? And please tell me there is light at the end of it all...

The group I went to had literally every imaginable age group in it. All walks of life, all levels.

For that reason alone it's an eye opener, this is not OUR shame, we did nothing wrong at all, apart from give the time of day to an abuser. :(

Everyone I have met in the course of my DV recovery has been lovely, we 'victims' are by and large lovely (people pleasing) people! We are astute (we can sense an 'atmosphere' like no other!) we can understand, be calm and listen.

Not to say there weren't harrowing and unsettling moments, but somehow even they served to show just how awful DV is and the damage it does.

It is shockingly quite hard coming to terms with the fact that we are not to blame.
For so long being told everything is your fault - even though deeo down at the time, you know it isnt. It still somehow manages to work its way in enough to make you believe - even when you dont agree!

I hope that makes sense.

With SS backing me now, and reading other peoples stories on here. I am seeing a pattern of these abusers, and their victims.

It is helping me realise that it wasnt my fault. None of it. My only fault was caring, and as you mention - people pleasing. I tried to please him. And for what?

At the meeting today - we found out the police officer told my ex he is entitled to go to the nursery to see my son.
The social worker was not happy about this and is going to have words with the police as she had no right to say this! It has obviously thrown a spanner in the works with his thinking pattern!
SW says there is no way he is allowed contact, and has given the head teacher the clarity she needed so she can phone the police if he was to turn up there.

I have finally, been reassured that he can not take my son from nursery!! Its been a long road but ive got there!

that is fantastic news, won't. really great. Very pleased indeed to hear it.

Thank you meerka. So pleased i can rest when he is in nursery now

That SW is a diamond and I'm pleased you have her on your team. Stay positive and keep reading the threads here. You're right, there are certain patterns in abusive relationships and they come up time and time again. You're not alone. :)

Sometimes I despair of some police personnel. They just don't think.

Basically they are not supposed to apply their own logic or judgement or their own set of circumstances to the victim of DV.

I had to call the police on my DM/SM a while back and the officer said that 'her DC got a great deal out of the relationship they had with their GM'

I had to say to her that, with respect, I doubt she'd ever had to call the police on her parents, so actually didn't know what having unhealthy relatives is like.

Make a complaint to the supervising officer, a gentle one, designed to better understanding.

Ideally the police should not comment on the rights or otherwise of either parent, just in case (as in this case) there is other info in the background that would influence that. The other point for the police to bear in mind is that when there is a suspicion at the very least, of DV then to bear in mind that as a consequence, normal rules may not apply, as other services may be involved.

I know. You would think of all people - those who work with different sorts of people on a daily basis. Surely, they understand that spending 5 minutes with the nicest person you have ever met - doesnt actually make it factual that they are just that!

I just dont understand how they can comment and be judgemental. They should know more than most that there are always two sides!

Did you complain after the comment the officer made to you? What happened if you did?
Its just not fair how they can say things as such. As if its not hard enough reporting as it is. Nevermind snide comments!

Yep cogito, she really is. I am pleased im over the whole anxious side of things, of not knowing where i stand. I feel like i can handle things again! I really feel like i have the back up now -which helps a lot.

Some good updates. Well done.

Thank you AF