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Original poster

Delicate MIL situation,, bit of a rant, advice needed

51 replies

Monkeybar · 31/07/2006 20:58

My MIL has started having my ds (just turned 1) on a Wednesday afternoon to break up his full week at nursery. He often falls over or bangs his head while he's there, but he's at that cruising / trying to run before he can walk stage, so apart from saying that I'm finding it hard work being there to catch him all the time, to imply that she should be doing the same, I don't know what else to say. She picked him up fro me today as I was delayed in traffic. When I got to her house, I knew something was wrong because she was sitting with him on her knee soothing him. She said he'd crawled up to the wall and hadn't stopped in time, but it was only a little bump. Anyway, my DH had been at hers earlier (no car seat for him , so didn't bring ds home with him) and said that her dogs (2 labradors and a jack russel) had really been mithering the poor boy and were constantly really in his face and licking him. They'd barged through a door which had sung back and banged him on the nose, making him cry but MIL said it was only a little bang and he was making a fuss over nothing until dh pointed out that if a door had hit her on the nose it wouldn't have to be a hard bang for it to hurt (she didn't tell me about that one). I don't want to piss her off or offend her as I need her for emergencies, but I'm beginning to think that her having him once a week is a bad idea at the moment, and I don;t want him harrased by dogs as however well behaved they are, they're still animals and therefore unpredictable.If he got bitten or badly hurt because I hadn't said anything I'd never forgive myself. I just don't know how best to broach the subject without sounding like I'm accisung her of neglect. But I don't think she should have him anymore, until he's a bit older.

OP posts:
jampots · 31/07/2006 21:01

I would put back into nursery - for the money you'll be spending and teh hassle it has to be worth it

hunkermunker · 31/07/2006 21:03

Put him in nursery again.

But I don't like dogs, so I might be being hysterical.

chocolatequeen · 31/07/2006 21:04

Tricky one. can you not lie a little bit and say that you think it is better if he stays at nursery, so that he gets used to it? And maybe he can start coming to her again when he is a bit more settled? Play on the fact that he needs a regular schedule for nursery, and get yourself out of it that way.

On the other hand, could you not just be totally honest, and say that you are worried about dogs, you never grew up with them, your son´s safety is your responsibility and you don´t feel that you are doing something you are happy with, however ridiculous it may seem to her etc etc etc. I´d feel the same as you though, especially because all these things are happening when you are not there, which will make them seem even worse iyswim.

is there any way she could take him to your home instead of hers on a Wednesday afternoon?

Good luck, think you are totally justified in being a bit worried though, so don´think you are being unreasonable.

foundintranslation · 31/07/2006 21:05

Agree with jampots and hunker. I dislike dogs too, and you're right that all dogs - becausr they are animals - are unpredictable on some level.

hunkermunker · 31/07/2006 21:07

Actually, I'm not being hysterical, thinking about it.

Two labradors and a Jack Russell licking the face of a 1yo?

Don't let him be there without you again. You would never forgive yourself if he was bitten.

yomellamoHelly · 31/07/2006 21:09

Go with your instinct. He's not at an age where he can tell you what he wants/needs and 1 is still tiny.

Charlottesweb · 31/07/2006 21:17

Oh no, 3 dogs and a small baby are a recipe for disaster. Someone else asked if it was possible for MIL to have him at your house, would it be? Do you think she isn't looking after him properly for him to have so many knocks?

Original poster
Monkeybar · 31/07/2006 21:20

I don't like the face licking thimg, either. I didn't grow up with dogs, but we have one now (belongs to dh), and I now keep ds and dog apart (she's very tolerant, but growled at him once for pulling her fur, which is a perfectly restrained and reasonable dog thing to do, but he didn't understand the warning and I did).

Maybe I should just say that I don't want him to be around dogs at the moment because he's unsteady on his feet and therefore it'd be better if

a) the dogs were locked up while he was there (because I don;t think she'd go for that, so it's the perfect get out clause)

b) we waited until he was a bit bigger before he started going round there again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkeybar · 31/07/2006 21:24

Charlotte's

I think maybe she leaves him to get on with it a bit too much, she's quick enough to get to him AFTER he's fallen, butI've pointed out that I'm following him around everywhere at present to stop him hurting himself. He falls over a bit here, too, if I'm not quick enough, but not very much, because I'm usually there.

I thought Grannies were super careful because it was someone else's child! (a friend has the opposite problem to me, but it's HER mum being over careful unlike my MIL)

OP posts:
Bozza · 31/07/2006 21:38

I disagree with following him around everywhere actually. Think that is a bit OTT. OTOH would not be at all happy about the dog situation so agree with others.

Bozza · 31/07/2006 21:38

ie say he is getting unsettle and put him back in nursery. Try and be tactful though.

Original poster
Monkeybar · 31/07/2006 21:46

He does seem happy enough at nursery (except on Fridays, when he keeps getting bitten, poor little chap!), and I'm inclined to think that he's safer there. Just don't like the idea of him being there full time, 5 days a week. That said, 2 incidents in half an hour at MILs isn't good.

OP posts:
joanna4 · 31/07/2006 22:23

Children and animals together a re a bad mix even the most docile dog can be unpredictable at times.I have always had dogs when my 2 were little and when i was a childminder but I always always kept the 2 seperate totally.
I have 2 dogs now and sometimes they do get a bit boisterous not in a nasty way but if you are in way and dont move quick enough you quite often get bumped or knocked into.
I would ask if he were to stay that the dogs be kept seperate -even by a safety gate if needs be.

shhhh · 01/08/2006 16:19

I'm a sahm BUT there is no way I could leave dd alone at either gp's home. They have looked after her but at ours and only when she was in bed at night, mainly because of the issues you have given. Yes sure they have both raised 2 kids each BUT not mine..!!! It was 30 years when they both raised their kids and I'm sure they are more relaxed now they are gp's.

I may be making a rod for my own back but I only trust dh & I to ensure she is cared for 100%. It may change once she is older and can speak for herself but not atm. Yeah sure she does trip and fall as she is also crusing BUT at least I am aware of every fall she has.

Like others have said, I would put him back into nursery for that day. At least he has more eyes on him and no dogs around.

Original poster
Monkeybar · 01/08/2006 18:57

Well, THAT went down like a lead balloon! Quietly asked MIL if she would mind keeping dogs apart from ds and she was obviously really offended and said that she did watch them closely and that her dogs didn't bite. I pointed out that you couldn't guarantee that and that I may be over reacting, but if he DID get inadvertantly bitten because I'd been too worried to mention it to her, I'd never forgive myself. She got a bit huffy and said if I didn't think she was capable of looking after him properly, then she wouldn't have him anymore. I said I'd get her some more stairgates, but she said she didn't want them all over her house!

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkeybar · 01/08/2006 20:39

Another update. Have just spoken to MIL because have been worrying that I upset her earlier. She said her and FIL had been talking about it and that it was their home and their dogs and that if I didn't like the way they lived, then she was sorry, but ds wasn't welcome, as they weren't about to shut away the dogs!!! Now that I'm thinking about it more, I'm astounded that their dogs come before their grandson and I'm actually feeling quite upset about it. Here ends my good relationship with the in-laws.

OP posts:
LucyJones · 01/08/2006 20:43

Would she look after ds at your house?

foundintranslation · 01/08/2006 20:43

monkeybar

Dogs are unpredictable, and the attitude of your ILs is IMO rather reckless. It's probably best for ds not to be there any more.

Caligula · 01/08/2006 20:43

I think this is brilliant - she's made the decision for you. You can now put him into nursery on Wednesday PM's and not feel bad that you've made the decision.

I wouldn't leave my children (who are much older than 1) with anyone who did not take seriously the risk of a dog biting a child and who would not countenance a safety gate when they regularly look after a child. Some childminding favours aren't favours.

She sounds like a f*king loon, btw.

Chandra · 01/08/2006 20:44

Problem solved then! remove kid to nursery, the comments of your PILs really confirm he is definitively safer at nursery and badly cared for at their home.

Original poster
Monkeybar · 01/08/2006 20:46

I daren't even mention it! It's taken ages for her to stat to get to know ds as she has a busy social life and the Wednesday thing has only been going on for a few weeks. Still can't believe dogs come before child!

OP posts:
Chandra · 01/08/2006 20:46

BTW, I have dogs that were my babies before DS arrived and... 3 years on, I don't allow them to play on their own, toddlers and dogs are a very dangerous mix.

Lottelou · 01/08/2006 20:47

Yes, dogs ARE unpredictable (have had 4 in the past), and as owners they should know this....they do seem to have put their pride before other issues, and you should feel comfortable with your decision.......

Original poster
Monkeybar · 01/08/2006 20:47

LOL caligula!

OP posts:
Chandra · 01/08/2006 20:47

Monkeybar, they don't even deserve your thoughts, or any kind of attention, let their dogs to bring the christmas postcards and to take them to the doctor when they are older.