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Original poster

Delicate MIL situation,, bit of a rant, advice needed

51 replies

Monkeybar · 31/07/2006 20:58

My MIL has started having my ds (just turned 1) on a Wednesday afternoon to break up his full week at nursery. He often falls over or bangs his head while he's there, but he's at that cruising / trying to run before he can walk stage, so apart from saying that I'm finding it hard work being there to catch him all the time, to imply that she should be doing the same, I don't know what else to say. She picked him up fro me today as I was delayed in traffic. When I got to her house, I knew something was wrong because she was sitting with him on her knee soothing him. She said he'd crawled up to the wall and hadn't stopped in time, but it was only a little bump. Anyway, my DH had been at hers earlier (no car seat for him , so didn't bring ds home with him) and said that her dogs (2 labradors and a jack russel) had really been mithering the poor boy and were constantly really in his face and licking him. They'd barged through a door which had sung back and banged him on the nose, making him cry but MIL said it was only a little bang and he was making a fuss over nothing until dh pointed out that if a door had hit her on the nose it wouldn't have to be a hard bang for it to hurt (she didn't tell me about that one). I don't want to piss her off or offend her as I need her for emergencies, but I'm beginning to think that her having him once a week is a bad idea at the moment, and I don;t want him harrased by dogs as however well behaved they are, they're still animals and therefore unpredictable.If he got bitten or badly hurt because I hadn't said anything I'd never forgive myself. I just don't know how best to broach the subject without sounding like I'm accisung her of neglect. But I don't think she should have him anymore, until he's a bit older.

OP posts:
Eeek · 01/08/2006 20:48

also, please don't forget that dogs are pack animals. You don't know where your ds is in their pack but I bet it isn't towards the top! 3 dogs is quite a pack - that's exactly the situation you always see reported when some poor child has been savaged.

spangles · 01/08/2006 20:48

Oh no monkeybar... what does DH say about all this, will he back you up?

Original poster
Monkeybar · 01/08/2006 20:50

DH is currently out at work, will discuss with him when he gets back. FWIW he said he thought we should ask the in laws to shut the dogs away if ds was there, so I think he WILL back me up.

OP posts:
spangles · 01/08/2006 20:53

I hope so...usually grandparents are all over their grandchildren, fussing and faffing about them. seemsodd that they dont want to be on the safe side and keep child and dogs seperate.

Caligula · 01/08/2006 20:59

Oh these idiot dog-owners who refuse to see that their dog is not specially gifted with human rather than canine instincts.

I have no patience with them. I rank them alongside mad old women who feed pigeons. Loons.

heavenis · 01/08/2006 21:08

I think they will think you are attacking them personally. But if they are willing to put dogs before the saftey of your child then really they shouldn't be looking after him. How would they feel if anything happen to him. Would they brush it off as well it's only a small bite.
Get him into nursery and forget the PIL.

Original poster
Monkeybar · 01/08/2006 21:35

I'm aware that they might feel personally attacked - like I said in the OP it was always going to be a difficult thing to raise without sounding like I was accusing them of being neglectful. But there is no guarantee with animals, however closely you are watching.

OP posts:
heavenis · 01/08/2006 22:02

I think you are right to have brought this up with them. They may feel hurt but that is their problem. You have to make sure your child is getting the best care at all times.

Original poster
Monkeybar · 01/08/2006 22:26

I've had a little cry about it all (can't believe that what should have been a totally reasonable request has made me feel like some kind of wierd outcast, and I know I have soured my relationship with dh's family , probably for good) but I also think I had to bring it up - if my dh hadn't said what he'd seen yesterday, then I wouldn;t have known. But knowing that my ds had dogs right in his face and not saying anything for fear of offence was never going to be worth the risk of ds getting bitten or knocked over and hurt. STill can't believe that I feel bad for mentioning it, though. And still can't believe that PILs having ds comes with the condition that he has to be surrounded by dogs, or they won't have him. I may regret this in the future (too complicated to go into at the moment) but I think it'll have to be no visits to PILs for the forseeable future.

OP posts:
heavenis · 01/08/2006 22:31

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olivia35 · 01/08/2006 22:42

Been there (MIL with mad dog) but fortunately she is understanding . I'm under no illusions - she thinks that she's kindly humouring my neuroses...fine by me, if it means she keeps the wretched animal safely away from dc &, for that matter, me.

Let your MIL have her little huff - in fairness she's probably genuinely upset at having aspersions cast on her care of your son - you would be if someone criticised the way you look after him.

She'll almost certainly get over it quickly enough, & you know you're doing the right thing in removing ds from a potentially dangerous situation - that has to come first.

Chandra · 01/08/2006 23:05

Monkeybar, don't feel guilty, to be honest they should be more than ashamed of their response. I think the problem is solved, you didn't trust them, now you are sure and have the perfect excuse to remove your child from their care. The important thing is from now on your child will be in better hands.

Now, about breaking the week... I noticed that DS was more unsettled when he had some out-of nursery days in between than when he was going full time. Someway the day after the day at home felt always like a second monday, lots of crying etc. Now, that he is older and I'm working part time things are better, so perhaps in the future things will be easier.

Now, I'm one of many other around here who have limited contact with ILs, the only thing I regret is not stamping my foot sooner, life is so much easier without a MIL who will happyly make suffer her son and grandson if it was for doing things her way.

mysonsmummy · 01/08/2006 23:24

would it not be easier if your husband spoke to his mum about this?

Original poster
Monkeybar · 02/08/2006 08:12

DH got home from work last night and said that he'd had a call to say that MIL doesn't want to have ds until he's older (I'm thinking maybe 15, 16?!!)

Totally agree that MIL must feel hurt and knew that was always a risk. (I remember how I felt when I said to my sister that ds kept falling and hitting his head and she pointed out that I should be there to make sure it didn't happen - felt like a bad parent)

That said, a friend of mine was round at MIL while she had him once and MIL said to friend that she was worried she'd do things that I wasn't happy with, and it would be much easier when her daughter had kids as she'd feel more confident with her daughter's child. SO, I felt quite justified in telling her that I wasn;t happy with that particular situation. FWIW, DH agrees with me, and will hopefully have a word today.

MIL pointed out that if ds was going to get bitten it was more likely to be my dog that bit because she's not been used to children, to which I replied that that was why we kept them apart!

I was looking at my boy's beautiful face this morning and trying to imagine a great big scar down it from a dog bite, and I know in my heart I've done the right thing. I just wish so many feelings hadn't been hurt.

OP posts:
spangles · 02/08/2006 08:15

Hope your husbang has supported you in this dilema monkeybar.

Original poster
Monkeybar · 02/08/2006 08:19

DH is behind me on this one. Just hope it doesn;t sour HIS relationship with his parents. It's funny what happens when children are thrown into the mix, isn't it?

Must go to work. Will see what develops today....

OP posts:
spangles · 02/08/2006 08:24

glad DH is supporting you... It really shouldnt have come to this. MIL is going to have to get her priorities in order.

Bozza · 02/08/2006 08:36

monkeybar - as an aside I don't think you could always be there to stop your DS bumping his head. It is something that happens at this stage of development to some degree. You have to try and keep his environment fairly safe and then let him get on with it IMO.

throckenholt · 02/08/2006 08:51

for what it is worth I think you should slowing introduce your DS and your dog - trying to keep them separate is going to be difficult and not fair to either of them in the long run. It is a good opportunity to teach both to respect the other.

But I agree, 3 dogs with a crawling baby is a whole different matter. If MIL is not aware of that then you have made the right decision. However, it might be worth being diplomatic - send MIL a card with a note saying sorry if I upset you - say you may be a paranoid first time mum who does not know dogs, but for the time being you would be happier if DS and dogs could be kept separate. You obviuosly don't want to dictate how they live in their own house, so maybe you could suggest MIL looks after DS at your house, rather than hers. Make it clear that you want to maintain the grandparent relationship, and would appreciate ideas of how you can get round your concerns.

Chandra · 02/08/2006 09:32

Not quite sure if the polite strategy of saying sorry even when is not her fault and the MIL behaviour was frankly OTT will help. I know I did that (I was taught to say "perhaps I have not made myself clear" instead of "you are getting it all wrong" and the only thing I have got is a MIL who thinks she is perfect and a victim and blames us for every problem that she causes).

throckenholt · 02/08/2006 09:41

I guess it is a tricky path to tread between not getting into a huge row and being a doormat.

Sometimes it never works whatever you try - but normally it is at least worth a try to try and smooth things over - even if it means eating a bit of humble pie (even when you know you are in the right). If you accept that they are feeling got at and thing you are questioning their judgement it helps. You need to find a way to say - ok - you may not like it - but these are my limits - now can we still be friends.

fairyjay · 02/08/2006 10:00

My PIL have dogs to take the place of the children. They see very little of us, and one of the main reasons they don't come to visit (they are retired, we both work long hours and they live 200 miles away) is that they don't want to leave the dogs.

Sad that dogs come before grandchildren.

Caligula · 02/08/2006 11:39

It sounds like your MIL may be a bit relieved at the decision, Monkeybar. Maybe she was feeling a bit stressed with the responsibility of looking after her DIL's child (as opposed to her DD's - there is such a world of difference) and she took the first excuse she could to back out, because she couldn't tell you before that she didn't want to do it in case you took offence, iyswim. I know that the way she's done it has probably caused even more offence, but stupid people sometimes do act in mysterious ways which more rational people can't fathom. Anyway what I'm saying is, don't worry about it - it looks to me like she was waiting for an opportunity not to do her wednesdays without admitting that she didn't actually want to do them, or perhaps couldn't cope with them. Just a possibility.

Original poster
Monkeybar · 02/08/2006 14:13

Still chewing this over and going in circles of being upset, self righteous or cross. Think maybe me and dh plus PILs need to sit down altogether and calmly discuss this. I need to know what I said that made her think I was making a personal attack, when as far as I am aware I was pointing out that dogs, as animals, are not 100% predictable which is why I would prefer if they were kept away from my ds. My dog is part of the family but it is not fair to her to be pulled at by a small child, so when he heads towards her with a glint in his eye, either he is moved, or she is. What is wrong with asking for dogs to be called away from being in my child's face? She said she watches them carefully, but I know that she does this from a remote position, whereas when I am there, I am sitting on the floor with him and them so that I can be right in there, right away. I fear this one is going to run and run, and as I apologised last night on the phone and my last words were that I'd take ds's walker down in the morning so that when she had him he'd wouldn;t be at dog muzzle level. She called later to tell my dh she didn't want to do that so IMO the ball is in her court. I just know that I'll be the one trying to make all the compromises. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't entertain the idea of having him to herself but at my house not hers.

OP posts:
thechildsslave · 02/08/2006 15:21

www.motherinlawstories.com have a look here .you are not alone