abusive relationship I think - short term advice

[AlabahmaWhorley]

Hello. Long LONG time MNer under not so much of a name change as a whole new re-registration and writing from an internet cafe as worried about traceability on home laptop.

There will probably be drip feeding as the whole backstory is far too long and I just don't have the heart or strength to get it all down yet. But in short, I am looking for help/advice in the short term / day to day problems of being in a disfunctional (possibly abusive) relationship, whilst I try and find a way to take the big steps to make it all stop.

Together for 18 years, married for 12 years with 3 DC 9,7 and 4. Life has been miserable and at times much worse than miserable for the past 8 years. I have read a lot on MN and on the Women's Aid site about abusive partners and in my rational moments know that my H is abusive but for the most part, expect that my self esteem is probably quite low as I DO believe that it might be my fault. I don't consider myself to be a 'typical victim' and I know my friends would describe me as strong and confident. I fluctuate between feeling strong enough to get myself to an internet cafe to post here, and being paralysed with fear as to what will happen if I do X or speak to Y.

H had a very difficult childhool - lots of issues whcih he has never resolved. He is carrying a lot of pain and anger round with him. Over the years, I have become the recipient of most of his rage and now I see my DD especially starting to come in for it (she is loud and confident at the moment - all the things that females are NOT supposed to be)

We have always had a volatile relationship - I used to argue back when he lost his temper irrantionally, but over the years I have learned that it is easier to submit and be quiet. H doesn't hit me. But when he is angry, he throws thing at me, he has spat at me several times, he breaks stuff, he stands towering over me screaming in my face and jabbing his fingers into me. He has threatened to kill me and calls me extrememly abusive and offensive names in front of the children.

I KNOW this is all unacceptable. I know that and I know that I have failed as a mother to teach my children to have self worth and self respect and I am trying to find a way to leave. BUT things have ramped up over the past year. Something really tragic happened in my Hs family and this tipped him to a very dark place. I tried to be supportive in the begininning but he was so angry all the time that I started to try and detach instead. I was spending more time at work and talking to friends and not telling H when I was meeting up with friends as I knew he would try to stop me. When my H found out that I had met up with friends and shared confidences with one particular male friend, he assumed i must be physically cheating and even though I assured him I wasn't (and I never would), this has become like a ticket to unleash his rage and things have escalated to the point where I am not allowed to contact specific friends that i 'betrayed' him with (not true) and 'lied about seeing' (true).

I was due to meet one of my 'not allowed' friends this week and H has threatened me if I do.

This is exactly the kind of thing that leaves me paralysed with uncertainty because on one hand I don't want him to win but on the other, I want to keep the peace (as much as it can be) until I can find a way to leave.

Is there anyone who has been in this kind of relationship that could adivise on the short term strategies rather than the big picture? I want to write so muchg more but only have 5 mins left on this computer. For that reason, my answers may be sporadic as well but I would be grateful for any advice.

Thank you

Alabahma, i am really concerned about you. You really need to get away from this man.

The 'I may be back, i may not' worries me. Do you think he may be giving you the oppertunity to do something you 'shouldn't' so he can come home and catch you? Then whatever happens next will be your fault, because you misbehaved?

I know you said you skim past the bits about calling the police but you would be surprised how bullies back down when someone stands up to them.

My Dad was abusive, threatening, frequently called my mum a 'c u next Tuesday' in front of us, pushed, slapped, kicked - a general bully. When my mum couldn't take it anymore she drove us all to the police station one night and said we could not return to the family home. They found us a place in a refuge that night. They said that they could have removed my dad from the family home so we could move back but we wouldn't have felt safe so we stayed at the refuge until we were rehomed and then my parents divorced and my mum could buy us a house. Once we'd left the house my dad left us alone. He was stunned that my mum actually left and, as he was a coward he didn't hassle us again as we had stood up to him.

My point is, he is bullying you because he can. While you are there he will carry on. If you left the home and got the police on your side he may very well stop his bullying behaviour.

It would be disruptive to your children but it would be such a huge relief for you and them to not be I that environment. As a child I knew my Dad was 'the bad one' and I have never blamed my Mum for leaving. It was such a relief.

Please leave. xxxx

Honestly, Alabahma, you sound as if you are in some kind of dream-state, as if you're watching yourself sleepwalking through this life but don't have the will to wake yourself up.

It is good that you should be shocked by people's concern. You should be shocked about your situation. You should be desperately worried for your own physical safety and your children's emotional well-being.

BTW, be in no doubt that there is physical abuse going on here, whether you think of it as that or not. You've described him as throwing things as you, spitting at you, and physically intimidating you. All those things are physical abuse. He doesn't have to actually hit you to be physically abusive. You are in a physically abusive relationship.

Many counsellors are not good at dealing with abusive relationships if they don't properly understand the dynamics of abuse. Your counsellor is advising you working from an assumption that the relationship is healthy and worth saving. It isn't.

For the record: your thread is as bad as any other DV thread I have seen on here. Your relationship is not in any way normal or healthy. In normal relationships, people do not spit at or throw things at each other. They do not attempt to control each other. They do not scream abuse at each other or threaten to kill each other. They do not make up rules about what the other can or cannot do.

Your thinking about this relationship has become totally warped and distorted from the abuse that you have suffered. You need to break out of this paralysis, fast.

Couldn't just read and run without saying this...

Where would you like to be in two/five/ten years time?

There is no typical victim of abuse but you fit the bill perfectly if there was. I don't mean that in a nasty way...you described yourself as a strong confident woman who fought back. Now you just keep quiet to keep the peace? Find that woman again and LTB ;-) Many strong confident women are victims of abuse, the abuser sees them as a chLlenge. He gets a thrill from watching you wither away on front of him. The woman you once were.

You are where I was two months ago. He's still in my life. It incredibly hard. I have set a date and have sought advice etc

Now I'm comparing my situation to yours, my brain frantically trying to justify his behaviour to MYSELF. My thought process is as follows 'the OP should definitely get out, my P has never spat at me, called me names or threatened to kill me'....etc etc

What he had done had robbed me of my confidence, made me question my own judgement and thoughts and been a 'cocklodger' :-)

LTB!

OP, I have no experience or knowledge to offer, and I've never posted on this board before, but I just couldn't read and run. You are so brave. Please don't let your children think that the way this 'man' treats you is normal. His behaviour is abhorrent and inexcusable. I hope so much that you can get away from him. You sound like you've given up on being happy and it's heartbreaking to read. Please keep posting and let the very wise MNetters help you.

Thinking of you AlabahmaWhorley and hoping that that the weekend went smoothly for you

From what I have read, victim blaming - and getting the victim to believe that blame is the actual situation is a typical EA tactic.

His anger IS NOT YOUR FAULT

His past IS NOT YOUR FAULT

Even if something was your fault, his behaviour is unacceptable. Lying about seeing friends - you only had to lie as he was being such a twat and trying to cut you off from them (unless there is a really good reason to 'ban' you from seeing them that you've not posted, but it doesn't sound like that to me).

He is actively choosing to take out his anger on you.

You clearly do need to leave to protect both yourself and your children - whether that's by him leaving and you getting divorce proceedings under way or different option, that's up to you.

Have you got anything that you can record any of his rants on? Clearly need to do this without him knowing - but then the DV unit at the Police would have some indication of the level of abuse that they were dealing with.

I'm not posting to guilt trip you OP as I am sorry your in this horrible situation but please, for the sake of your babies get away from him. Even you have said if someone told you you would be in this situation years ago you wouldn't of believed them. Just because you may believe he would never turn on your children doesn't mean he never will. What they are seeing and hearing is damaging for them in so many ways. He is just a person made of flesh and bone like the rest of us, he is not an unstoppable force, you do have options and deep down you know what you have to do.

Hi Alabahma

I know it's difficult for you to post but I just wanted to say hi and that I've been thinking about you. Hope you're OK. Will keep an eye on this thread.

Hello OP, I hope you are ok.

You are in a horrible situation. Please be kind to yourself. It's hard when you 'wake up' and realise you're in a situation you never ever thought you'd find yourself in and how your life has become.

It's the shame isn't it? And the horror? And just the out of depth awfulness of it all. and recognizing that yes, its you, you are in this situation, you weren't immune or strong enough to stop it happening to you.

Btw, I don't believe any of those things are actually true, but I believe that you're probably feeling it ... Because I did. And an awful lot of other women felt it too.

I hope you can get through that bit to the next bit. The bit where you realise you can change things and that changing things will be better than staying in the hell you're in.

It's so bloody hard to even think about changing things, when every grain of energy and effort are fed into the gaping maw of this abusive man. It's like you're throwing you're whole self into this ever ending never satisfied Thing, and whatever you do isn't good enough, it's never enough to keep the status quo, to shore things up, to make things ok.

But that's because you are the only one who wants to just get by, to avoid conflict and to find some peace and contentment. The other person is busy creating this hell for you, and he doesn't ever want to stop. That's who he is, and making you unhappy and destroyed is what he wants. Nothing else. So he's created a situation where you can't win, not even a little bit. And it's all consuming trying to tip toe around someone who is looking for any excuse to abuse you and be a cruel fucker.

So how on earth do you do all that, and prepare to break with all that and create a whole new life for yourself and your children? It makes me want to cry with exhaustion even thinking about it. But you know what? You're in the worst bit now. The worst bit isn't any of the other stuff you will do if and when you decide to leave. It's exactly now. Of course it's bloody hard, but the thing is, once you've left him, once you've fought free of this cage you're in... Yes it's hard, but it's not the constant draining awfulness of living in the hell you're in now. You'll be slowly slowly healing, stretching out those cramped limbs and experiencing freedom again, stretching all those bits of you that are hiding, cramped and scared. You'll have the one thing you don't have now... Hope. And choice.

Practical stuff can always be sorted somehow. But it's the psychological cage he's created around you that's the bit you need to fight now.

Please take the kids and go. Do not let the circle of abuse continue. You have already let too much time go by so now your children have first hand experience of this abuse and will grow up thinking this is how it should be. By taking them away you would be positively showing them that it is not right to be abusive.

I am still here.

Miscellaneous. Yes yes yes to everything you said. The shame, the disbelief and the utter hopelessness. I feel all those things.

My situation right now is this. He left 8 days ago. Took the bare minimum on the basis that he would be back as and when he felt like it, but I should not expect him anytime soon. He seemed more sad than angry but has refused to engage with me on any level since other than one word answers to a couple of texts/emails I have set regarding practical things. He has spoken to the children and picked them up to take them swimming. He says he will never speak to me again (but may well move back into our home).

His parting shot was that he blames me completely and utterly for everything and that I have ruined everyone's life. He will never ever forgive me.

So it has been outwardly peaceful which is good, but I am unable to answer any of the children's questions as I don't know the answers, and am not sure where I 'stand' - am I separated? But mostly I feel like I a, on borrowed time. Logistically and financially this arrangement is unsustainable and I am sure that this move is just to make me 'see' /teach me a lesson and that he will want to come back soon.

And I keep feeling sad and missing the person he used to be. And lonely. And sorry for him. And awful awful guilt for breaking up a family. And old - far to old to start again.but mostly still anxious and jumpy and in limbo.

I don't know what to 'expect' next... It feels completely put of my control.

Thank you all again. So very much.

It's good that you're still posting, Alabahma.

I'm sure part of the reason you feel jumpy and in limbo is because he has 'left' - on the basis that he will be back as and when he feels like it. Though you 'should not expect him anytime soon'. So you aren't secure in your home; you have no idea when he will be back, why, or for how long.

Touché. He has left, but is still in control.:(

Perhaps a few practical steps will help now. An appointment with a solicitor to gain a clearer idea of your financial position. Another talk to WA: they may have some more guidance for you, and may be able to direct you to a counsellor who understands abuse (your current one doesn't, and has given poor advice).

Are you separated? Yes, if you say you are. Don't wait for him to tell you how you stand. He is not in charge.

Try not to feel sorry for him. This is what he does:

when he is angry, he throws thing at me, he has spat at me several times, he breaks stuff, he stands towering over me screaming in my face and jabbing his fingers into me. He has threatened to kill me and calls me extrememly abusive and offensive names in front of the children.

This is who he is. Nothing to feel sorry for here. Nothing to feel guilty about. The breaking up of your family has been done by him, alone, entirely through his own actions.

Take some comfort from the fact he has gone for the short term at least. Start taking steps to sort your life out. Seeing a solicitor would be a good first step. I know it must seem an insurmountable task, and you feel almost paralyzed with fear at any reprisals he may inflict, but as has been pointed out he is not above the law, and what sort of a life is constantly living in fear.
Is the house rented or owned? Is there some equity that can be split if it's sold?
How are the children reacting to his departure? Surely life must be less stressful without his constant presence, for all of you. If he is claiming you have 'ruined everyone's life' you can use this to your advantage when you have to speak to him. 'I realize you're right, you're better off without me, and you'll be happier without me' etc etc.
This man sounds like a complete lunatic and you need to do whatever it takes excise him from your life and, with any luck, the lives of your children.
You're not too old to start again and you need to take back control of your own life, stop accepting the blame for this situation. You haven't split the family up he has. You aren't the lunatic in this scenario, he is and he needs to stop running the asylum!
Hoping you find the strength to do what you need to do, make the first steps - worry about the practicalities later.

'He says he will never speak to me again'

Fingers crossed, eh?

Stay strong, one day at a time, keep on through all this crapola and in a year's time you'll be in such a great position, your life will be different, and you and your children happy.

Hi Alahbama

It's good that he's not immediately in your face right now, but as wydry says he is still in control because he can come back at anytime. But you can change that if you want to.

You can be separated if you say so. You don't have to wait for him to decide.

What would you like to do? You could see a solicitor and start legally separating your life from his. You could talk to WA again about what steps you can take now. I think finding a new counsellor is a good idea.

Hello. I hope you don't mind me bumping this. I have had to do a bit of a minor name-change as I missed the boat with the whole 'heartblleed' reset your password thingy....

I realise it must be very frustrating to contribute time and effort to a thread that moves so slowly with very little feedback but I am so broken and paranoid that I cannot come here any more often than I feel safe to.

He is fed up of living away from the family home and tells me is coming back. He won't say when or discuss any of the details with me, he has just told me to 'be prepared' and that he has given me time to show how remorseful I am and that I have failed. To that end he cannot see a future for us unless i 'work very hard to prove how sorry I am' - this includes cutting contact with certain friends and removing myself from certain work situations etc. Otherwise he will continue to live in the house nad I can either stay and shut up, or move out but leave the kids.

I don't like either of those options :(

He refused point blank to discuss a way through this until I have proved that I am remorseful. He doesn't care that it will be a toxic environment as he says that he can be civil and pleasant so the onus is on me to play nicely and then it won't be toxic.

I feel utterly trapped.

This is going to sound mad but apart from this one MASSIVE thing, he has been very honest. He says he is hurt, has given me space, misses his children, can't bare to be without them every day and that most of his rage is unfairly directed at me because he feels raging with the whole world. But there is no plan of action to deal with any of this.

I am in knots. I don't know what to do.

I know what the sensible advice is: solicitor/woman's aid etc. But can someone who has dealt with someone this angry and frankly a bit unhinged, tell me what the outcome of doing this was? I have spoken to CAB about benefits etc if he didn't come home and i have talked to a couple of friends but that's all.

He has spoke to nobody. Literlally nobody in 4 months. He goes to work, talks to his business partner about work, leaves work, talks to nobody and then does it all again the next day. For some reason, this aspect of his behaviour terrifies me. Why doesn't he go out with friends/drink/unburden/get perspective?

Sorry this is all over the place. On borrowed time as ever.

My children are sad and angry with me too :(

I don't have any practical advice, sorry not been through this. I do think you need to give yourself a bit of a talking-to though. You've had some space to get the strength together to go, but you've buried the problem. Now it's back. I don't really understand what you've done that you need to feel remorseful for. If you think he is unhinged, you need to get out. Really. Are you waiting for him to hurt you or one of your kids? My friend's aunt was stabbed the other day with her 2 year old by the 'dp'. It's too late for her .

You are not utterly trapped. Not while he is still out of your home. While he is not there is the very best time to pack up and leave.

He sounds definitely unhinged to me and will only get worse, MUCH WORSE once you have allowed him back into your home. He's going to be so much more dangerous then.

You still have time to get an injuction. Do it, your life could depend upon it!

Okay, look, you cannot end up living with him again under any circumstances.

You cannot let him control you from elsewhere.

If it is legally possible for you to stay in the house, then you need to go into warhorse mode to protect your home, your family, your children. Speak to the police, speak to your solicitor, speak to your local DV unit. There are things they can do to reduce his access to you and prevent him from

Please, PLEASE don't fall into the trap of feeling sorry for him. Yes he probably is a deeply damaged and hurting individual, but don't forget what he has done. Don't forget what life was like. Don't let go of the dream of being free of him, you can be.

This is him or [you and the kids], you can't support and be there for both choices. He has made this a war, you have to choose sides, and whichever you don't choose, you will be forced to abandon and be ruthless. Don't do that to children, who can't look after themselves. He is capable of seeking help, he doesn't want to. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he's aware of the unsettling effect this is having on you and hence he's doing it on purpose. He might have been honest but what does that mean if he's not prepared to DO anything? He's just come at you with more threats. That is his plan of action. It's not good enough.

You really need to be ruthless now. Change the locks, get restraining orders - or whatever that other one is called, he has made threats towards you. Or get out. It's as stark and simple as that - put something in place for your dad (it's possible you would be able to move back to the area later) and worry about the schools when you get there - if your DC has a statement of any kind it can be transferred.

Just do SOMETHING. You can't be an ostrich or keep hoping this will get better, it won't. The very worst thing to do with such an angry man would be to wait and see what his response is, you can see the results of that in newspaper headlines. Not a nice situation.

^^ yes: excellent post from BertieBotts.

Alabahma, first, don't worry about the thread or anyone on it. You are not accountable to us.

Secondly. You don't like any of the options he has given you. But he is not a godlike figure: the options he deigns to give you are NOT the only ones open to you. He is just furious with you because you haven't played the remorseful role he expected in his 'poor me' drama.

But you don't live in his twisted world Alabahma, you live in the real world with the rest of us.

So never mind his so-called options. Take control, contact WA again, or tell police what he is going to do. Don't wait and see. Don't do nothing. You need to act, speak to someone you trust - pick one thing and do it.

Don't worry about whether it's the right thing. Any sensible action is right.

You asked about the outcome of contacting police/WA when dealing with an angry man like your H. The answer is, people do get out safely: that's why WA and police DV units are there. They are there to prevent worse outcomes. To keep people safe.

I'm afraid his honesty is no protection for you or the children, if he returns. It will not alter his temper, or prevent him from threatening or hurting you further.