abusive relationship I think - short term advice

[AlabahmaWhorley]

Hello. Long LONG time MNer under not so much of a name change as a whole new re-registration and writing from an internet cafe as worried about traceability on home laptop.

There will probably be drip feeding as the whole backstory is far too long and I just don't have the heart or strength to get it all down yet. But in short, I am looking for help/advice in the short term / day to day problems of being in a disfunctional (possibly abusive) relationship, whilst I try and find a way to take the big steps to make it all stop.

Together for 18 years, married for 12 years with 3 DC 9,7 and 4. Life has been miserable and at times much worse than miserable for the past 8 years. I have read a lot on MN and on the Women's Aid site about abusive partners and in my rational moments know that my H is abusive but for the most part, expect that my self esteem is probably quite low as I DO believe that it might be my fault. I don't consider myself to be a 'typical victim' and I know my friends would describe me as strong and confident. I fluctuate between feeling strong enough to get myself to an internet cafe to post here, and being paralysed with fear as to what will happen if I do X or speak to Y.

H had a very difficult childhool - lots of issues whcih he has never resolved. He is carrying a lot of pain and anger round with him. Over the years, I have become the recipient of most of his rage and now I see my DD especially starting to come in for it (she is loud and confident at the moment - all the things that females are NOT supposed to be)

We have always had a volatile relationship - I used to argue back when he lost his temper irrantionally, but over the years I have learned that it is easier to submit and be quiet. H doesn't hit me. But when he is angry, he throws thing at me, he has spat at me several times, he breaks stuff, he stands towering over me screaming in my face and jabbing his fingers into me. He has threatened to kill me and calls me extrememly abusive and offensive names in front of the children.

I KNOW this is all unacceptable. I know that and I know that I have failed as a mother to teach my children to have self worth and self respect and I am trying to find a way to leave. BUT things have ramped up over the past year. Something really tragic happened in my Hs family and this tipped him to a very dark place. I tried to be supportive in the begininning but he was so angry all the time that I started to try and detach instead. I was spending more time at work and talking to friends and not telling H when I was meeting up with friends as I knew he would try to stop me. When my H found out that I had met up with friends and shared confidences with one particular male friend, he assumed i must be physically cheating and even though I assured him I wasn't (and I never would), this has become like a ticket to unleash his rage and things have escalated to the point where I am not allowed to contact specific friends that i 'betrayed' him with (not true) and 'lied about seeing' (true).

I was due to meet one of my 'not allowed' friends this week and H has threatened me if I do.

This is exactly the kind of thing that leaves me paralysed with uncertainty because on one hand I don't want him to win but on the other, I want to keep the peace (as much as it can be) until I can find a way to leave.

Is there anyone who has been in this kind of relationship that could adivise on the short term strategies rather than the big picture? I want to write so muchg more but only have 5 mins left on this computer. For that reason, my answers may be sporadic as well but I would be grateful for any advice.

Thank you

Hello again if anyone is able to follow my sporadic appearances (all dictated by access to alternative PC). I have called Women's Aid - thank you for all those who pushed me. However, short of offering me shelter all they were really able to do was stress how unaccetable his behaviour was/is. I know this already.

The reasons I can't take shelter are many and varied, but broadly, it will ENRAGE him, and I cannot predict what the upshot of that rage might be. I am unable to leave my area as I am a carer for my father. He lives around the corner and I have to visit him a couple of times a day. My DD also has specific needs whcih are catered for by her school so simply moving schools is not a possibility in the short term. All my work is localised so bascially, going 'underground' isn't an option :( Talking to WA was affirming but there is not a lot that they can do if shelter isn't an option.

A truly terribly weekend including episodes of being shoved and spat at and called a Whore in front of DS. I have gone into lock down mode and am just putting one foot in front of the other. He is still claiming that he will move out when the option of somewhere to live becomes available (next week) so I am holding on to that.

However, he is adamant that I will still follow his rules (who I can and can't talk to, what work I can and can't understake and is enjoying telling me how little money I will have - I don't care about that bit). He will check up on me and I feel that I will still be completely vulnerable in the family home. I can't change the locks as this would also equal outrage/rage so I am still going to feel like a sitting duck unless I comply.

How do you make it stop?? I have read/heard that the period of/during and after separation can be the worst and most dangerous. How do I minimise this (assuming he is actually going to go)? Does anyone have any advice or experience coming from a similar postion?

Again and as ever, thank you and please bare with my sporadic appearances. I can't tell you how much it helps to write it all down.

Next time he shoves or spits at you, please please please call the police. Next time he throws anything at you - call the police.
If someone did that to you in the street, you would report it.
You need to start looking out for your children.
What they are witnessing is extreme abuse and you know from being on here what that will do.
You seem to be coming up with lots of excuses reasons why you cannot get out.
You can get out. You can go to a refuge.
Anything and I seriously mean ANYTHING, is better than what you are in and what you are putting up with.
It is doing your children untold damage.
Don't get me wrong - you have some obstacles to overcome but you can do this.

Police. Domestic violence unit.

Injunction.

If you feel this scared, ring 999. Seriously.

Don't rule out going to a refuge. It doesn't mean you can't later come back to your house/job/dc's schools. It's a way of being physically off the scene during the very first stages of the separation, which can be dangerous. Can you get a bit of leave from work? Do it over the dc's school holidays (Easter is coming soon) so you don't have to worry about the commute to school. Have you any relative (or someone you can pay) to check up on your father, or at least somebody who will come with you in case your ex is lying in wait?

It could be a short-term stay in the refuge. There would then be possibility of going back to your house, your job, the dc's schools. Get an injuction, and if your ex comes anywhere near you, call the police.

You need to get outside help with this, from WA/the police. They help so many women get out of this kind of situation. You are not trapped.

I know how paralysing terror is, and you're right to be careful, getting free is a risky time. But I think you know that you can't carry on with the life you're living now.

Oh Alabama I want to come over and hug you. Please please reconsider the offer of a refuge. I know it will be unsettling for a while but for both your own and your children's safety please do it. Every day you stay is another day your children are witnessing this abuse. Believe me they will thank you for taking them away from it. It's only a matter of time before he turns on them as well.

I know it's hard. But you deserve so much better. You deserve to be happy. This time last year I never thought I'd be happy again. Just a few short months after I separated from my husband I feel like a completely different person. There's no egg shells to be trodden on anymore. I laugh and smile every day, and more importantly so do my children.

If you do manage to take up this offer you will get ALL the help you need. WA will help with money matters, schools, care for your dad, the police if necessary. Just go. They will help you.

I really hope you're ok. And if you don't manage to leave yet don't feel bad about coming back here for support. We all know how long it takes to pluck up the courage. It usually takes a few attempts.

Keep strong for your children and look after yourself.

And True Romance is my all time favourite film too

OP I was in a situation very similar to yours in my marriage, and I was afraid to upset my children's education, afraid I wouldn't have enough money to live on, afraid of what HE might do with them when I would not be there..... so I stayed. But you know what? The pain of continually watching how my kids act as adults, after the years of abuse they suffered/watched, is never-ending. The pain of separating years ago would have at least come to an end short-term. I did leave finally, and both kids said "Why didn't you do this sooner?!!" And they have mimicked his behavior in their relationships.... sadly. You do need to take action, now. Talk to the domestic violence unit at your local police, talk more with womens aid, talk with your GP.... anyone and everyone you can think of.

Wishing you strength and inner peace.

I live in NI. can i help with your dad?
I am CRB checked and would be more than happy to help?

wiser people than me on this thread but i 2nd getting out - don't wait on him

Alabahma I am in no way underestimating the difficulties associated with getting out of this. Can I just say that I only got out of my own abusive relationship (married 20 yrs) when he turned his misogyny on to our teenage dd also. I did not want her to believe women should put up with this shit, and whilst it was my choice to stay there, she didn't have a choice, and I felt I had to do it to protect her. FWIW we got many threats about when we left. Although things have not been easy, and continue not to be easy, they are SO much better than before. ~ And I got my life back. If you want to pm me, feel free. I'm not saying you should feel the same as me, just giving you my experience, FWIW x

OP, he will never leave. Saying he might is just a strategy to give you false hope and keep you where you are.

I have definitely seen threads on here where women have been in a refuge short term and been able to return to the area they lived in so children could keep the same schools.

Have you talked to WA specifically about your father? I can't see why they couldn't help you talk to SS about an emergency short term care package for him. SS deal all the time with people who need care suddenly for reasons like this. Even if it meant him, say, going into short term residential care it would be better than you staying trapped in this forever.

Once you are out you can talk to the police about the death threats and violence and will be able to get an injunction against your H.

In the short term, to stay safe, appear compliant. Don't do anything unusual or which you know might be used as an excuse for a rage. Keep a phone on you at all times if you can. If you feel in immediate physical danger, move so that you have an escape route clear from the house. Work out where you could go to if you had to escape from the house - a neighbour? Don't get trapped in a room you can't escape from, or in a small room with him. Also stay away from the kitchen or rooms near the kitchen.

It sounds like the main barrier to short term refuge is being your father's carer. (Your dd can miss a few weeks of school if necessary). I think you need to tell social services you are unable to support him because you are in a dangerous situation of your own and need to flee the family home.

I think you are right to suppose he will continue to exercise control over you if you stay in the family home. Presumably he will be paying the mortgage. He will claim he can come and go as he pleases. He may well watch the house as well so he knows when you're out, or follow you to find out who you're meeting. You need to involve the police.

Please listen to what whitsernam has said. The damage to your children in staying this toxic environment could last beyond your lifetime, and theirs, as the pattern repeats again in the next generation. Help is available to you. It comes at a cost, true, but so does staying. The cost of staying could be terrible.

Alabahma, I couldn't read and run.
I was in a similar situation and thought I could never be free of or safe from exH. Whilst the path isn't easy, it is possible to leave and whilst you feel he has all the power and control, you do still have choices. You know it's not right and have spoken up about it, you've posted on here and are talking to us, you have called WA. They are all the first steps and real achievements well done you .
Above all else, yours and your DC's safety must become a priority. WA can provide a safe refuge in the early days. It's ok for a little school to be missed. Is there someone who could cover your visits to your father in the short term or accompany you if not?
You are right to follow your instincts in terms of safety, where possible don't do anything that you know may trigger his rage. Keep a phone on you (I eventually went to bed fully clothed with a phone in my pocket, his attacks were so frequent). Please don't write off the refuge, you are suffering at the hands of your abuser and there is support available for you.
Please keep talking to us x

Again - sorry for huge delay in responding and thank you for sticking with this.

He is still here, but talking of leaving this weekend. He is very clear that this is short term. But no matter how short, at least I can breath out for a while and then cross the next bridge when we get to it.

Yes, Footle sleepwalking is exactly how it feels. I feel completely dead inside. I can't cry or seem to show emotion about anything at all - not even laugh with the DC :(

The last batch of the responses made me come the closest to crying that I have - you are all so warm and kind. I don't want to dissappoint you by saying that the status quo hasn't really changed, but I am really trying. I have spoken to the DV unit at the local police station, I have spoken to WA, I have attended my first session with a councellor and I am being clear that I want us to separate (at least for the time being so that I can think straight).

I have set myself a deadline of Easter Holidays and if he is still here, then I will come up with an alternative plan.

Please stay with me and help me from crumbling to dust. That is what I feel like.

Bravo, Alabahma.. very glad you have spoken to police and WA. And spoken to a therapist.
These are huge strides forward.
You are much stronger than you imagine yourself to be.
Thinking of you and rooting for you

Hi Alabahma

Don't worry about posting on here if nothing has changed - you're not accountable to us and we know it's very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. But you have done stuff! Talking to police, WA and a counsellor is great. I hope they have been able to give you good advice.

What can we help you to think about? If he does go away, what do you want to do once he is gone? Do you want to try to get an injunction so he can't come back to the house? What will the back-up plan be? A refuge place? Were WA able to help you with a plan for your dad's care?

I wish you all the strength you need right now.

Your thread is one of the scariest I have ever read on MN.

Stay strong and keep safe. I really hope you and your children find a way out as soon as possible.

Is there any reason not to start divorce proceedings, OP?

Call the police if he threatens you. Get a restraining order. Take up WA's offer - they have systems in place to protect you.

Your posts have really shocked and upset me - I can feel the fear emanating from them. No one deserves to live like that. The police are there to protect you. If you can, try and get a voice recorder on your phone and keep it in Your pocket during a rage - it will be concrete evidence. Please do it before you are taking bruises and broken bones to the police as evidence.

I have no better advice than what you have already had here. You have started taking the first steps, congratulations. When you want to give up think of your children, they will so thank and respect you for getting them out of that situation and you will be an example for your daughter if she is ever unfortunate enough to get into a situation like that.
Nobody is immune.

I am shocked that so many of you are shocked at my posts. I really didn't think my situation was 'that bad'. I am quite a prolific and confident poster under my normal 'guise' and am often worried/horrified/saddened by what I read and try to give the best advice I can. I am so used to hearing that I 'dont know how lucky I am' and the idea that I might actually be in a genuinely bad situation here has completely caught me off guard. I don't know if I can use that to force myself to do things that scare me or not yet.

That fear, I realise, is the over-riding emotion. The thing that is crippling me and paralyses me on a decision by decision basis. Every time one of you tells me to 'call the police' in a way that suggests my H would ever find out and be called to account, I just skim to the next bit of the post because that still just does not seem like a possible option - the concequences and scenarios that I imagine in my head (justified or otherwise - I no longer have any idea) of the kind of rage that this would envoke make this a complete non-starter for me at the moment.

The session with the councellor wasn't great tbh. I tried to tell her as much as I could without painting too much of a bias. I told her that I knew my H feels hurt and let down and this has contributed to the escalation in his temper, but I also told her that the temper/control thing had been going on way before - for years. She didn't really know what to tell me and her best suggestion was to write him a letter telling him how I feel. I think we're way past letter writing myself but she is the expert so maybe I'm wrong?

Today he has put a few things in a bag which he has taken to work.

Before he left he said:

I may be home later, I may not
This will never be over
I hate you and as each day passes, I hate you more.
You still can't see that you are responsible for destroying our whole marriage because you are too selfish to look inside yourself.
The children will go up blaming you for breaking up our family and they will come to hate you too.

I am very very wobbly :(

I am supposed to give a little talk at DD's school this afternoon. I don't know how I will get through it.

I want to do more than put one foot in front of the other, but I don't know how to get there. Every day that passes is another day wasted, another day closer to death and another day of me shrivelling away. I think this probably sounds full of self-pity - I know that H is is miserable too - but I know that if I even attempted to pull myself together and find a way to find joy in life, he would resent this and find a way to suck it right back out. So what's the point?

I'm rambling now.

You are all lovely and I am so glad I got to come back here again today and thank you all so much for the wisdom and unmumsnetty hugs. I can actually feel them x

It is easy to know that you are in an abusive relationship when there is violence, Alabahma, but emotional abuse is more insidious and harder to recognise. But an essential part of it is removing you from your support base, friends and, if possible, family, combined with constantly running you down. I know from personal experience.

Honestly I am not one of those people who says LTB every time someone posts a problem with their husband but what you describe is intolerable.

Your counsellor sounds lousy, there are a lot of bad ones out there, look for another one. I have a friend who is a counsellor and says that the first two sessions should be to find out whether that particular counsellor suits you.

OP I'm not going to tell you to LTB, because you are not in the right place in your head to do it.
All I will say is you only get one life, and more importantly your DC's only get to experience their childhood once. You said that your H had a troubled childhood, do you not feel some sense of responsibilty to stop the same happening to them.
I know how difficult it is to leave an abusive partner, but you will come (I hope) to the point when you snap and realise enough is enough.
What is worse for the Dcs to change schools and have some peace in their lives or to live in the atmosphere that they do now?
Would your Father like to think of you being on the receiving end of such abuse, I think not.
I think when you reach your own realisation that come what may this has to stop, you will find the strength and resilience to overcome the things that you see as obstacles at the moment.
I am sending you love and strength, with the sincere hope that you reach that "realisation" soon.x