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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to handle this night out

33 replies

boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 08:32

Hi there, there is a birthday do of one of dps friends in a couple of weeks. 2 of dps exes will be there (same friendship group) one I've never met altho not too bothered about as not a long relationship, the other I have met on a couple of other nights out. She has always been pretty cold shouldered with me. I've always been very friendly to her, always approaching her for a chat etc. but she's been quite off when I have, so I wander off soon as I can.

What I find upsetting is that we have mutual friends so i will continue to see her, and it feels very weird on these nights out like I can't relax.

I also upset that friends of mine have consequently become friends with her, I stupidly feel betrayed! Silly I know.

So I have a night out coming up and she's going to be there, and I already feel anxious..

Do u have any advice for me wise mumsnetters? Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 08:34

Do and I together 2 years by the way

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AngelaDaviesHair · 27/01/2014 11:32

Well, for starters I think you need not offer yourself up to be snubbed again. For whatever reason, she is unfriendly to you. No need then to greet her, try and talk to her or include her. I wouldn't be obvious about it, but just leave her to get on with her evening as you get on with yours. And make sure your DP is onside and aware of how she has been with you.

desperatelyseekingsolace · 27/01/2014 12:09

Agree with Angela: she has made her position pretty clear -- you don't know why she is reacting as she is: she may just be being nasty or she may have been dee

desperatelyseekingsolace · 27/01/2014 12:11

Whoops... Posted too soon. She may have been deeply hurt by him and be trying to protect herself. Whatever the reason it's not worth laying yourself open to being snubbed,

Supercosy · 27/01/2014 12:20

Agree with others, don't ingratiate yourself to her at all. Just say hello and answer her if she speaks to you but don't seek her out. I'm a people pleaser who feels the need to be overly charming if I feel as if someone doesn't like me. It's taken me till this year to realise that I don't actually have to do that. Hold your head up high and enjoy your other friends.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 13:23

Thank u all for your replies.

Supercosy I am exactly the same - im hurt she doesnt like me, And when I've really tried to be nice to her. it makes me really confused and angry!

I'm also hurt that a close friend has ended up being pally with her. Last night out I felt left out as they were hanging out loads. I didn't feel I could join in after her rudeness towards me. I need some tactics to keep the green eyes monster in me at bay if it happens again!?

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Dahlen · 27/01/2014 13:30

You need a combination of indifference and killing with kindness. Basically pretend she's not there (takes a bit of practice but gets easier). When you have no choice but to walk past her or engage in conversation, you give your most winning smile and behave warmly.

She may never change towards you, but you will at least look like the more mature of the two and not be held in any way responsible if your inability to get along causes problems in the friendship group at a later date. You may find that she thaws over time, however. Some people judge others by their own standards, and if she's expecting you to be false and manipulative because that's how she would be in a similar situation, she may be mistrustful of you at the moment. As she realises you're not like that, you may find her attitude will change.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 13:43

Thank u dahlen. I will try to do that. I really don't want my evening to be preoccupied with thinking about her a d feeling hurt/angry. I'm also worried ill get pissed and match up to her and ask what her problem is (I know I know, worst thing to do) so I'm taking a couple of good friends that'll keep me in check.

I kno the best way to be is mature and rise above it.. But this situation really triggers a childlike response in me, ie anger, jealousy.

Do u think I should talk to my partner about it? I told him of her previous behaviour at the time it happened. His response was to ignore her. They are not friends by the way, say hello but nothing else.

As an aside.. The first night I met her was my 30th bday party (I know, right) she turned up unexpectedly with a friend of dps. She hardly said a word to me (no happy bday) until the end when she was giving dp digs for being 'under my thumb' as I was asking him to help tidy up.. She is considered 'one of the boys' and a bit of a party girl.. It's really weird she was there right? Confused

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AngelaDaviesHair · 27/01/2014 13:48

Oh yes. Weird. And makes it doubly unpleasant that she was being so unfriendly.

She seems to want to wind you up and get a rise out of you (either that or she is the kind of person who is unfriendly to her own sex as a default position) so do be sure not to give her what she wants!

Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 13:51

I know Angela, but why?? She does have some female friends.. I cannot understand why she doesn't like me. Feels so playground. And I feel so pathetic for caring Hmm

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Supercosy · 27/01/2014 13:57

She sounds really horrible. Please don't waste too much energy on her. It seems like she is jealous of you and perhaps still fancies your DP. Doesn't sound like he feels anything for her though which is the main thing. Don't rise to her, really, really make sure you avoid doing that, that would make her night. If all else fails totally ignore her.

Dahlen · 27/01/2014 13:58

She does sound like she's got a bit of unfinished business (in her head) with your DP. It is a bit strange that she turned up at your birthday party (less so if it had been your DP's).

Definitely practice the indifference. Do not get drawn into anything else with this woman - definitely no rising to barbed comments, which it sounds as though she will use against you. Also be wary if she suddenly has an apparent change of heart and wants to be very friendly with you (keep it warm but remain superficial, with no personal discussions).

It's worth examining your reaction to this though if you want to overcome it. You say you feel anger and jealousy. Why? Work it back. Anger that you're being treated badly or rejected in some way? (You're being treated with cool disdain, not abuse, by someone you care nothing about - why be angry? You and she owe each other nothing other than a basic level of politeness all humans owe each other and she may actually be intimidated by you and see you cast in the successful GF role as making her look inferior.) Anger you're being made a fool of? In whose eyes? (She's the one making barbed comments and looking foolish and spiteful in others eyes, not you.) Jealousy? As a threat to whom? DP? (DP broke it off with her. He's chosen to be with you) Other people? (Maybe you think others will like her more than you because she's one of the boys, etc. People can like both of you. It's not a competition. Do you feel competitive with other friends? I bet not. This stems from measuring yourself up against her as GF material. Well, people may like her a lot for her laddish/partying traits, but they can also like you and think you're a better GF for your DP. When you follow your emotions back like this and understand them, it becomes a lot easier to control them.

Best of luck and enjoy the night out. Smile

Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 14:12

Thank u all. Your confirmation of her horridness makes me feel calmer.
I have been feeling a bit crazy that my friend is friends with her.. Like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.. Because surely otherwise my friend would support me? Do u think I should discuss how I feel with friend and dp?

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SirRaymondClench · 27/01/2014 14:20

why do you feel you need to be friendly with her at all?
How long was she seeing your DP for and why did they split?

Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 14:42

They were only dating for 6 months ish.. Split about 8 months before he and I got together

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Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 14:43

I think it fizzled out / wanted different things..

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Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 14:55

And dahlen u are very right. - I need to work out what this is triggering for me, you're pretty spot on in ur suggestions though

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CastroIsDead · 27/01/2014 18:23

I've been in this situation from the other side. big group of friends who have known each other years. my ex of 3 years and his new girlfriend. i didn't make an effort with either of them, he and i were friends but not anymore so didn't feel the need to chat or be nice.i just wanted to catch up with the people i know and like not my ex who hurt me badly. if she had been friendly i would have been polite back but we just ignored each other. wasn't a big deal, didn't feel awkward or jealous of her, if anything i feel sorry for her that she has to put up with ex.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 18:52

Could be an element of this castrol, however this woman has been quite rude to me when I have approached her (examples. Me asking her about her Halloween costume. Her looking po faced and like im a complete idiot then saying 'haven't you ever heard of the day of the dead?'

Also. Me: look at Gary in a dress! How dare he look better than me in that! (Speaking of another male friend of dp in a dress). Her: it wouldn't be hard to look better than u in a dress. Me: excuse me? Her: it wouldn't be hard to look better than you in a dress (fake laughter).

The last one, I still can't believe she said that. I just walked away as I was so stunned. Noone has been that out and out rude to me before.

I'm sure you wouldn't have been like that castrol?

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Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 18:57

What I find maddening is that I think - maybe she didn't mean to be so rude / I heard wrong, as she's friends with dps friends, who are all lovely (so wouldnt be friends with such an arse) do u kno what I mean? If I'm the only one she doesn't like, and everyone likes her, maybe there is something wrong with me? (Insecurities playing out big time here clearly)

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Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 19:04

One more thing Smile
I have actually only approached her once,the 2nd time I saw her, from which the two bitchy comments above came. The first time I saw her was on my bday, when we didn't speak at all apart from above mentioned comments of under the thumb.

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DoItTooJulia · 27/01/2014 19:09

You're getting some good advice, but I'm afraid I'd call her on comments like that!

How fucking rude!

Perhaps you need to ignore her pointedly and if she says anything to you tell her straight. Tell her you find her stand offish and rude. Not in a nasty way, but with a smile on your face. And tell her if she can't be nice to stay away!

Or do as the other, more tolerant poster suggested.

DoItTooJulia · 27/01/2014 19:09

*posters

QueenThora · 27/01/2014 19:20

Oh dear she sounds awful. She doesn't like you being with her ex and she wants to hover around and keep turning up and checking you out and making you feel worthless.

I was going to say that DP has an ex who I really don't like having to talk to, but this is in a different league. She's being a complete cow. Stop trying to be nice to her or talk to her at all. Head held high, remind yourself you are with your DP, and if she comes near you say "Excuse me I've just realised I've got something important to attend to" with a big charming smile, and disappear.

I also think with behaviour like hers, people will start to realise she's a nasty piece of work. I once had two years of a woman who was after my DP making friends with my friends and slagging me off to them. It was a horrible time. But it didn't last - she's not friends with any of those people any more, they got fed up with her, because she was a bitch!

One friend cheered me up by giving this woman a nickname - Vermin. Nasty, but it gave me strength. I didn't ever call her it to her face, I stayed polite, but I would think it when I saw her. It helped.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 27/01/2014 19:28

Yep, if I do end up having to speak to her and she manages to say anything horrible again I can always do the 'wow, did you mean to be do rude?'

Although really don't want it to get nasty.. I'm so close to asking her what her fucking problem is its best if I keep well away!

Thank u all for listening and offering advice, really helps Smile

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