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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband will not share a bed with me if we are not going to have sex, is that normal?

46 replies

Ladybird99 · 26/01/2014 23:30

I am married for 12years, for the first 10 years I had sex with my DH whenever and whichever way he wanted, as if I didn't he would be so angry with me and not talking to me for days until I broke down. Every night I would be so nervous before I went to bed as I know I have to perform, but he was always unhappy with me as I could make more effort and I just didn't know how to please him. 2 years ago I suffered from depression, and couldn't cope with is daily demand any more and moved to our guest bedroom. Relationship withDH was ups and downs, talks of separation as he was so unhappy, now he says I shouldn't go to his bedroom if I am not going to have sex with him as it will be too difficult for him to sleep with me. I know he has very high sex drive and use a lot of porn. But I am sure normal couples will be happy to just cuddle and spend time together? My DH says I didn't understand men, it's normal for men. I want to be close with him but I don't want to go back to the days of the past. I don't know what to do, I love him dearly, but I think what he has done to me in the past was abuse. Please help and any suggestion to clear my mind would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Maria33 · 26/01/2014 23:33

This is not normal. What you describe does sound like abuse. Leave. Sad

Noregrets78 · 26/01/2014 23:36

Erm... no. Not normal at all. It was abusive, and is still abusive. Sounds like you've done everything possible in the past to please him and have not succeeded - that's because you'll never please him no matter how much you do. Not your fault.

So he's not happy with your abilities, but then can't get to sleep if you're in the bed? All about control.

I imagine lots of people will come along far more eloquent than me, this is just the kind of post to make MN blood boil...

SusanC5 · 26/01/2014 23:36

He is abusing you. You should leave him.

Sleepyhead33 · 26/01/2014 23:37

This is absolutely NOT normal. You should not be in a relationship where you feel nervous going to bed. Your 'D'H says this is normal for men-it is NOT normal for men. I don't know if it is rape but it definitely sounds incredibly abusive-what exactly do you get out of this relationship?

Aussiebean · 26/01/2014 23:37

We spend many evening lying in bed talking about our day and righting the worlds wrongs. We even cuddle. But it does not always lead to sex

Ginger4justice · 26/01/2014 23:37

I'm not an expert but no definitely not normal. It's definitely not a 'men' thing either, please don't believe that. It is normal (at least it is for me!) to have a mismatch in sex drives but that should be resolved in a respectful, communicative way that doesn't drive anyone to tears or depression. I'd agree that it was abuse, having sex when the other person doesn't want it is definitely abuse.
I don't have a suggestion to help you, only you know your mind but I wanted to make sure you know that actually if he loves you he would respect your sexual wishes (or lack thereof). You are not his sex toy. You deserve better.

Lweji · 26/01/2014 23:40

Why on earth do you love him?

He has abused you for 12 years, essentially. Think about it, you probably need to be close to someone and that's why you put up with it for so long. He does not love you, sadly. And he is not the man you want to be with.

I'd be staying in the guest room forever and get out as soon as I could.

Noregrets78 · 26/01/2014 23:41

I used to dread going to bed also - I knew he wouldn't let me sleep until we had sex. I was never good enough, and yet I was such a turn on he couldn't sleep. Very confusing for the old head.

Don't know what your husband is like in other respects. Once I realised he was abusive, and looked up the signs, I discovered it permeated every other bit of our relationship. He is now my ex.

What is he like the rest of the time?

horsetowater · 26/01/2014 23:42

Did he ever force you to have sex against your will - did you say no and he still continued?

Original poster
Ladybird99 · 27/01/2014 00:16

Thank you for all the replies. In my heart I know it was wrong as I don't want to my DD(11) ends up same situation as me. He is a wonderful father, very kind and generous in other respects. Sine my depression, he is much better as even we don't have sex he would still be civil and polite but cool with me. We had 2 middle aged female relationship counsellors before, but every time I feel they were on his side as he is so charming. They never digged deeper but only sees he is a devoted husband and father and works so hard for the family, I am a cold wife who didn't help. We are trying a third counsellor, as I told him that I am happy to separate so he can find his happiness after his 2 years threats of separation and nearly had an affair with the au pair. Now he wants to try again but still refuse to share the bed without sex. In the past, I did things I didn't want to do but to please him and tried to self harm to relieve the pain.

OP posts:
horsetowater · 27/01/2014 00:23

I think you might benefit from speaking to a specialist counsellor on your own. What he has been doing is not only abusive but against the law.

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=COu_y_GKnbwCFQ3ItAod3FMAxg

Try and call this number and someone specially trained will be able to help you. Keep posting here as there are many women who have been through something similar and know exactly how men like your husband manage to get away with doing the things they do.

Cover your tracks on here in case he is checking your internet use.

horsetowater · 27/01/2014 00:26

In the past, I did things I didn't want to do but to please him and tried to self harm to relieve the pain.

Did you do these things or did he do these things to you? Or did you do them because you were afraid of him or something he might do to you?

Original poster
Ladybird99 · 27/01/2014 00:26

Thank you, horsetowater.

OP posts:
mcmoonfucker · 27/01/2014 00:29

Please don't go for counselling together. It will more than likely have the same outcome as you describe from the previous sessions. Many counsellors are woefully inadequately informed about this sort of abusive dynamic.

Trust your feelings. You know this is wrong and making you incredibly unhappy. You have NO OBLIGATION to stay and put up with this.

You are a person. Not a sex toy. You have a right to say no. You have a right to leave. You have a right to feel safe in your own home.

You don't even need to explain yourself to him or anyone. You are unhappy. Period. Nothing more to say to him. He doesn't deserve it.

fortyplus · 27/01/2014 00:33

Ladybird99 this thread makes me feel so sad - no one should have to live like that. No it's totally removed from anything 'normal'.

Original poster
Ladybird99 · 27/01/2014 00:37

He used to hurt me in sex, and I never said NO as I couldn't stand his cold treatment. The trick he used to use was to be nice to everyone but ignore me for days. He was never violent, but I was scared to lose him. now he doesn't want to hurt me any more, and even said sorry.

OP posts:
horsetowater · 27/01/2014 00:41

This amounts to sexual abuse - you have been coerced into doing things against your will. Can you leave him?

Innogen · 27/01/2014 00:41

He's been abusing you for your entire marriage.

You don't love him, you're just scared of rocking the boat. Two totally different things.

You should never have to accept this treatment. It is not normal.

mcmooncup · 27/01/2014 00:44

Consent is not just about saying "no"

It is obvious to any human being (male or female) if they are hurting someone. He knew what he was doing exactly - he has admitted as such by apologising for hurting you !

You saying "no" would have made no difference to this disgusting human being.

He is very abusive - do you know much about abusive relationships?

horsetowater · 27/01/2014 00:49

Can I ask how old you were when you first met him - is there an age difference?

Original poster
Ladybird99 · 27/01/2014 00:52

Actually reading all the messages made me feel sad too, how do I end up like that? I am a well educated woman from overseas, now I have 2 children without independent income. In the last 2 years he has tightened financial control over me, I am so sad for myself. Thank you for all your comments, these confirmed my deep feeling of unfairness in the relationship. Maybe I should not doubt at more that if I could do more, all will be better. Thank you. Thank you. All the caring strangers..

OP posts:
horsetowater · 27/01/2014 00:57

Please speak to womens aid and also see a solicitor. You are married and you will get support for yourself and your children. You will be able to stay in the family home. Be strong but be very very careful. He sounds dangerous.

Monty27 · 27/01/2014 01:02

People like that are very clever. Make moves to get out. asap.

Original poster
Ladybird99 · 27/01/2014 01:02

I was a young student came to England for my master degree in business 16 years ago when I met him. I was trying to escape from my very controlling mother. Funny enough, my 11 years old DD said the other day that she loves her dad very much, maybe a bit more than me as he is so fun but she will not want to marry someone like him when she grows up as he is a control freak.
My head is a bit clearer now, this relationship is not normal and that's not my fault!!

OP posts:
Monty27 · 27/01/2014 01:08

It certainly isn't your fault. You've been manipulated. You're seeing the light. Get out of there.

Sorry I'm going to bed now,I hope more support comes along.

I'm glad you've seen the light. It's bullying, its abuse, and akin to rape probably. :(

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