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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband will not share a bed with me if we are not going to have sex, is that normal?

46 replies

Ladybird99 · 26/01/2014 23:30

I am married for 12years, for the first 10 years I had sex with my DH whenever and whichever way he wanted, as if I didn't he would be so angry with me and not talking to me for days until I broke down. Every night I would be so nervous before I went to bed as I know I have to perform, but he was always unhappy with me as I could make more effort and I just didn't know how to please him. 2 years ago I suffered from depression, and couldn't cope with is daily demand any more and moved to our guest bedroom. Relationship withDH was ups and downs, talks of separation as he was so unhappy, now he says I shouldn't go to his bedroom if I am not going to have sex with him as it will be too difficult for him to sleep with me. I know he has very high sex drive and use a lot of porn. But I am sure normal couples will be happy to just cuddle and spend time together? My DH says I didn't understand men, it's normal for men. I want to be close with him but I don't want to go back to the days of the past. I don't know what to do, I love him dearly, but I think what he has done to me in the past was abuse. Please help and any suggestion to clear my mind would be appreciated.

OP posts:

horsetowater · 27/01/2014 01:10

When you learn more about abuse you will learn that abusive men seek out women who have low expectations in a relationship. A woman separated from her mother is particularly convenient as there will be nobody to draw her back.

They choose people like you because they can't function in any other kind of relationship, this is the only way they can have any fulfilment, twisted as it is. They don't do it deliberately to hurt anyone, they don't even know they are doing it. They do it because it's the only way they can relate to anyone. They feel no empathy for anyone else and expect everything to be in their control.

Has he ever hit, harmed or scared the children?

inthecloud · 27/01/2014 01:53

Doesn't sound normal to me (and isn't compared to moi life).
TBH it reads like a horror show. If it's freaking you out then and dragging you down then you'll need to take some action sooner or later for your own sanity.

bragmatic · 27/01/2014 05:30

I know a loving, committed couple with separate bedrooms. When and where they have sex is mutually agreed and consensual. They love each other, but they don't like to sleep in the same bed together.

What you describe is something totally different.

Chuckthefucklebrothers · 27/01/2014 06:13

I feel for you, I really do. You've been ground down for so long by this horrible excuse for a man that you can't see the situation for what it really is.

Leave him.

Get counselling on your own if you need to gather the strength to leave, but seriously, you can't go on like this. You say that he's a great father - in some ways maybe - but every day he is teaching your DD that relationships are about men being 'civilised but cool' while the woman desperately tries to keep him happy. And she may well have picked up on more than that, kids (& she will soon be a teenager) are incredibly perceptive. She deserves better than that in her own future relationships. There are worse things than being brought up in a single parent household. Show her how strong a woman can be - you can do it! x

ThinkFirst · 27/01/2014 06:15

Forcing or coercing you to have sex with him against your will is rape.

You moved into the spare room 2 years ago and he tightens financial control over you. Again this is abuse, and he's trying to ensure that you can't leave him.

No one should live like this. There is help out there for you. Call women's aid.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/01/2014 07:02

Just to add my voice to those urging you to seek help from those professionally placed to help you. I'm glad you realise his behaviour is abusive, abhorrent and quite abnormal. I'm also glad that you understand you have not somehow brought this on yourself or invited his behaviour. He chooses to act this way which is why counselling has no effect. Please listen to your DD. He's not even a 'good Dad'

Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 are a good resource. Even if you don't believe you are in immediate danger, they can help.

desperatelyseekingsolace · 27/01/2014 07:24

Ladybird I just wanted to say, if it helps clarify your thoughts at all that I'm in the process of leaving my H for a similar, but far less bad version of what yours is doing.

My H doesn't demand sex and he has never made me feel afraid if I don't consent to it (and has certainly never raped me) but he moved out of the family bed when my DD was born but still wants regular sex.

I have been pleading with him for over two years to move back into the bed because I miss the closeness and intimacy and don't feel able to enjoy sex without it.

He's basically been minimizing and avoiding dealing with this and has preferred to spend time online with porn and an online EA.

I've had enough, told him two weeks ago it was a dealbreaker and he had either to sort it out or move out. He's moving out.

Anyone who wants you to have regular sex without an emotional connection or intimacy doesn't love you enough to deserve your fidelity or love. Simple as that.

Original poster

Ladybird99 · 27/01/2014 22:36

Thank you all for your replies and support. My head was spinning all day as it was upsetting to realise the one person you love dearly was abusing you for years. I am grateful for the people to share their stories with me, and admire for your courage to leave the abusive relationship. But it is sooo difficult to leave....

OP posts:

wontletmesignin · 27/01/2014 23:00

It is also difficult staying, as you are well aware of the effects it has on you.

I am sorry that you have had to go through this for so long. I am pleased that you can see it for how it is now, and i really hope you are able to pick up the phone to speak to womens aid.

They really are very helpful.

You will flourish on your own, away from his negativity. This is no way to live a happy life, and you deserve to be happy!

desperatelyseekingsolace · 27/01/2014 23:15

Ladybird it is very very difficult to leave.

I have been on a path towards this point for years: it wasn't until about a month ago that I allowed myself to admit how bad it had become. We all make our own journey, it sounds like you are only just waking up to this now.

You have to go at your own pace and get everything straight in your own head before you do something.

But you also need to be aware they there is something very, very wrong with this set-up.

EirikurNoromaour · 28/01/2014 07:26

Women's aid is free and confidential and they will nt pressure you to leave, but will help and advise you. Please just give them a call for a chat.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2014 07:59

Going from understanding the severity of the situation to making a split is a very big decision and - the same as everyone else - you have to get there in your own time. You describe other people as courageous and they are, but some will have taken years to get to that point. In the meantime, it does not hurt to get information. Every bit of knowledge you can squirrel away will increase your confidence and give you strength. Even if you don't act you will know there is light at the end of the tunnel. When something happens that finally makes you think 'enough's enough', you will have a plan.

Andy1964 · 28/01/2014 16:51

OP, I'm not even going to read all of the replies. before I offer my opinion. Your post shocked me that much...

Angry? Made you cry? Nervous?
For a whole 10 years? This is wrong, I'm surprised you stayed with him.
This paragraph makes disturbing reading TBH.

2 years ago I suffered from depression

I'm not surprised, you seem to have been driven to this by your bullying abusive husband (and I use that word very loosly)

now he says I shouldn't go to his bedroom if I am not going to have sex with him as it will be too difficult for him to sleep with me. I know he has very high sex drive and use a lot of porn. But I am sure normal couples will be happy to just cuddle and spend time together?

No, you shouldn't join him in bed, TBH he shouldn't even be in the same house as you!
It is very normal for couples to just cuddle and fall asleep, that's all part of the intamacy of a loving relationship.

My DH says I didn't understand men

Wrong, you don't understand him but he sounds wrong, I don't understand him from what you have told us

it's normal for men

No it's not. It maybe normal from him but then again he sounds abnormal

I want to be close with him but I don't want to go back to the days of the past. I don't know what to do, I love him dearly, but I think what he has done to me in the past was abuse. Please help and any suggestion to clear my mind would be appreciated.

I think you need to get in touch with some womens support groups, you sound like you desperatly need some help and in the long term, you need to think about leaving him. No person should live like this!

Jan45 · 28/01/2014 16:59

Anything but normal! Your DH seriously needs help, he's not wired right. You need to get out of that situation, for your sake and your kid's.

CailinDana · 28/01/2014 17:07

How are you doing ladybird?

SauceForTheGander · 28/01/2014 17:15

Your depression is a signal that your life is not being lived how you want to live it. Depression can be crippling but it can also be a useful tool to identify that something is wrong and we must try to change our circumstances.

OP - this is a punishing relationship. He's bullied you for you years.

I hope you've managed to talk to someone.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 28/01/2014 18:31

"he even said sorry and doesn't want to hurt me anymore."

this is surely to reel you back in. You were getting above yourself by planning to leave and he has to make sure he gets you back where he wants you.

It is difficult to leave but there are enough posters on here who can talk you through each stage and if you stay things will only get worse. Even your daughter can see what an abusive twat her father is. Can you see it yet? .

lisad123everybodydancenow · 28/01/2014 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thebluedog · 28/01/2014 19:17

As others have said, this is abusr and NOT normal

Are you married to my ex?? He would do this too. I remember being very ill once and had to take antibiotics, because this affected my pill, he wouldn't have sex with a condom, wouldn't use the withdrawal method so we didn't have sex for just over a week. We were on holiday in Ibiza at the time and it ruined our holiday as he refused to talk to me or spend any time with me - because it was too difficult for him!

He was also abusive in other areas of our relationship. But because he always said I wasn't normal and he was, I put up with it for nearly 10 years. Horrible horrible man.

Get out now!

SingingGerbil · 28/01/2014 22:35

I agree with all the others, definitely not normal. For DP and I, bedtime is just as pleasurable when we are cuddling and chatting as when we are having sex. It's just about being close and enjoying each other's company. You don't seem to enjoy your husband's company.

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2014 22:49

Anyone who can treat his wife in this way is not a good father or a good husband and is an excuse for a man.

Please contact Women's Aid to help you and your DD to get away from him.

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