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Original poster

Have you ever left and gone far away? Did it help you heal and move on?

30 replies

Mummy321 · 26/01/2014 22:16

My relationship has broken down and my OH has literally left me holding the baby. And child. The relationship is definitely over.

I feel strong one minute but so weak the next minute. I think partly because I keep finding out more about him, so am getting continuous blows.

In reality I want to get up and go far far away... Everything reminds me of him, us , of our little family.

I have a few good friends nearby but no family. My parents are 3 hours away ( I have seen them quite a lot since the break up 6 weeks ago). I could make a long term plan to move near to them (I have to go back to work for 6 months here or pay back maternity pay, and also have a school aged child, so I can't drop all and go). But I am in my 30s and parents in 60s, and it seems pathetic to run "home". Is it?

Or return to the city where I grew up.... I don't know many people there now, but I have such fond memories of a happy childhood, I'd love to recreate that for DCs....

Or somewhere new to start afresh.....

Anyone moved after a breakup ? Did it work out for the better?

Thanks x

OP posts:
Ishouldbesolucky · 26/01/2014 22:20

I moved from Glasgow to Edinburgh back to my parents house. At that point I had no children so it was a bit different. It did help me move on and get over the break up and I have only seen him once since we broke up. Hope that helps

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 22:22

I considered it at the time but opted to stay. Felt that being driven from my home on top of everything else would have been another victory to the exH. Having said that, spent two years travelling the world with my job and spending as little time at home as possible. Then spent the next few years giving the place a complete make-over... making it properly mine and erasing him at the same time. Very satisfying.

ScottishPies · 26/01/2014 22:25

I'm in my 40's and have been back at my parents home for a month now after a break up - though in my defense I sold my house a few months ago and its just taken a while for me to find somewhere to rent ... not sure how much more good will my parents have in them before things start to get strained here !

ScottishPies · 26/01/2014 22:28

...sorry should have said " sort-of break up " as I'm not exactly sure what type of relationship we're in at the moment !

Pippilangstrompe · 26/01/2014 22:38

I don't have kids so I don't know if this is relevant, but I moved away from the city I lived in to a place about 4 hours away after a break-up. It really helped me get over the relationship. As long as I was in the city I felt like there were memories everywhere I went, but in the new place I was making new memories that he wasn't a part of. It was the best thing for me to do, without a doubt.

DCRBye · 26/01/2014 22:44

When I was younger, I had a very bad and painful breakup and jacked in my job and entire life and took a transfer to the other side of the world. Stayed there for 5 years and still didn't get over it.

I think your pain follows you wherever you go. You can't leave it behind.

I got over it when I as ready to accept and let go.

That said, if moving would improve your life, then go for it. Starting to think of what is best for you and only you is the first step.

Hugs to you.

Original poster
Mummy321 · 26/01/2014 22:50

Thank you all. I know it's early days and I can't move for some time, but part of me just wants to have a plan. I am a planner, it comforts me to have a focus. Just now I'm just "get through the day"...

I feel so ready to move on, I've "done" 10 years of london and the though of juggling 2 kids, childcare , commute and quite stressful job on my own fills me with dread.

But will the grass be greener?

Pipp -'did you move to be nearer family?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy321 · 26/01/2014 22:59

Dcr I can understand what you mean about pain following you.

Moving closer to family would improve my emotional well being, as well as offering me physical support. Job-wise any move would be detrimental on my career, but I don't think I'll be to continue my job for long due to the pressures and being a single parent.

OP posts:
sharkey1187 · 26/01/2014 23:30

When my relationship came to an end, I went back to my parents. He had been abusive and controlling and I was held back. I stayed with my parents for a while, it was near to where I lived with him. I hated being scared of accidentally running into him. Eventually I moved 150 miles away to pursue the career he didn't let me have. It's the best decision I made for myself - I have a great job and have since met and married my husband.

I had no children though and I am still affected deeply by what he did to me. No amount of running away will ever solve that. But at least now I can be the person he stopped me from being. Moving can be right or wrong, just make sure you do it for the reasons that are right for you!

Twinkleandbunty · 27/01/2014 00:29

I was dumped when I told then DP that I was pregnant. It transpired that he had become involved with a married woman, and they moved in together (with her child) when my baby was 11 weeks old.
I had moved twice (alone) once just before giving birth and again when my DC was 5 months old.
I was depressed and worn out so made the decision to move back to my home town, 4 hours away.
Best thing I did. Distance has helped me gain some control, and he's not 'in my face' all the time.
My child is still very young so I didn't have to consider schools or anything, but a fresh start helped me immensely.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

GarlicReturns · 27/01/2014 01:00

I always relocate! I think it depends on whether or not you're a person with deep geographical roots, which matter to you. I didn't grow up in one place, am used to my long-term friends being some distance away, and really enjoy discovering new places & people. It has definitely helped my recovery from relationship break-ups: it's good to leave the old routines behind, learn something about how other folks do life, and have endless new vistas. (I'm also a devoted fan of the long-haul beach cure for a broken heart.)

The only relocation I sincerely regret is my current one. There's a depressing story behind it, and I'm stuck here for a while. I moved from London to a tiny, rural market town. DO NOT DO THIS! It's a very inward-looking community; full of rooted-for-generations people, who don't need or want new faces. Not all small towns are this bad, but many are. The nearest city's lovely, though - it's kind of doll-sized, but with plenty going on. I could live there happily.

In short, go for it - and be careful with your choice! The thing about leaving London is you can't afford to go back. And the thing about leaving London is there's such a lot of lovely world to explore :)

GarlicReturns · 27/01/2014 01:02

Ah, there is that, Twinkle ... As a person with 'roots', you went back to them :) Also good!

yourehavingalaugh · 27/01/2014 07:29

You will probably need support from your family now you are on your own - emotional and practical - and don't underestimate that. Having someone you trust to look after the children for a few hours while you go out/start building up your new life will be invaluable. Go for it!

Dahlen · 27/01/2014 13:39

I think it depends. Wanting to move away because you'll be nearer a support network or have better job opportunities is more than good enough a reason.

If a relationship has ended very badly or there is trauma associated with the location you're in, moving away can certainly help and may be best.

In other cases, however, the short term relief brought by 'running away' is outweighed by the long-term benefits you get if you stay, confront, process and move on.

But it's all relative to individuals and to their situations.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Twinklestein · 27/01/2014 15:04

I think as a single mother you need to be where the most support with childcare will be. If your parents would be happy to be involved, then being near them is a very sensible choice. And it means your children get to develop a close relationship with their grandparents.

I wasn't particularly close to my parents in my teens and 20s but I really appreciated being near them once I had kids.

I wouldn't look at it as running 'home' but making a positive life choice for your family.

Kernowgal · 27/01/2014 17:19

I stayed put for a while but ran the risk of seeing him regularly because he drove through my village on the way to work. I had no desire to get back together with him but it wasn't helping me mentally - I kept rehashing situations in my mind. I eventually moved to the other end of the country (albeit temporarily) but this was also partially due to being miserable at work and there being no other jobs around where I was.

I do regret leaving where I was because despite everything I was actually very happy there once he'd gone. I'm now much closer to old friends and my parents but I miss the friendliness of my old village and the good friends I made while I was there.

However I don't have kids so if the right job came back I'd move back there in a heartbeat. Enough time has passed that if I did bump into him again I'd have the courage to tell him to keep the fuck away from me rather than trying to keep good relations like I did before!

Kernowgal · 27/01/2014 17:20

Oh and I totally agree with GarlicReturns' first para - spot on! (However I moved from rural market town to near London and this is the relocation that I massively regret, despite it being for a good job.)

livingzuid · 27/01/2014 17:47

Yes! I moved from New Zealand back to the UK and then across to the Netherlands where I still am. It was so liberating being able to think ooh where do I want to go without thinking of what rubbish he would say. It was so much easier to move on in a new place. Life is too short, if you want a change, change :) there are good schols everywhere and kids are adaptable. Good luck!

GarlicReturns · 27/01/2014 18:31

Heh, Kernow, shame we can't swap!

TheXxed · 27/01/2014 18:38

How much maternity pay would you have to pay back? Could you get a transfer to old home town?

KingRollo · 27/01/2014 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piratecat · 27/01/2014 19:00

i have also considered it, having now been split for a number of years, and i did try to organise moving. BUt then dd started secondary school here, and the time slipped away.

I would hate to move her now, but i hate being here. very difficult. Yet in your case, you know what, seriously consider a new lease of life!

piratecat · 27/01/2014 19:01

also i was looking to move away from family here, even tho i moved from London to be back near them!

miss London. :(

maparole · 27/01/2014 19:11

I haven't quite done it yet, but I am in the process of moving from France back to the UK following my split.

I can't wait! I really want to be totally free of the ex and properly start on the next stage of my life.

Original poster
Mummy321 · 27/01/2014 19:45

He is currently on other side of the world (temporarily although i imagine he is putting all his effort into making it permanent- he has run away from the mess he has created) so it's not so much running into him.

It's the memories, and the plans for our life here together that will now never materialise. However I must say that even though not even 2 months have passed since he left, I do already feel more comfortable in the house.

Re option of movig near my parents, I am yearning for that close loving contact. I guess I have to accept that my parents are not a replacement for my OH.... And that time might help me get used to the loneliness...

I would have to pay back around £10k if left job so that not an option!

I love some of your comments about there being so much to explore out there! I guess I should take some trips places to think about it, and look at it as an opportunity.

Work however is obv key. We were planning on me stopping work after having another child.... All change and now I obviously have to think about providing solely (he will try give as little as possible, and avoid it is possible) for my kids for ....20 years. Eek.

Thanks x

OP posts:
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