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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

no sex and confused

48 replies

katti2005 · 31/07/2006 17:11

have had sex with dh 4 x in 5years. says he loves me and thinks about me all the time. I want a husband NOT a brother- DH not very touchy feely and has never been the most rampant lover. DH finds most things very easy to talk about but not this. Am at the point where I hardly care anymore and although I have agreed to give him (yet more) time I feel thwarted and trapped.

OP posts:
pinknfluffy29 · 31/07/2006 17:50

oh gosh katti things not right at all!!! what was it like at the beginning of relationship?? if he has always had low libedo then might just need some coaching (is he shy, nervous??) but if things were good at the start you need to speak to him and see what has changed??

Original poster
katti2005 · 02/08/2006 15:31

hi pinknfluffy. i'm new to mumsnet-so bear with me!
Dh has always had a low libido ( by my standards!) but is generally uberconfident in most other aspects of life ( I wish I was the same) Sex life ground to a halt after conception of 3rd child-although I did the night shifts and husband suffers with nocturnal deafness. Hate to sound smug but my libido was not affected. Dh constantly referred to my weight ( was a size 10 now size 14-never having had a problem with whatever size I found this pretty petty- am 6' so I don't think am porking out too much) DH can't understand why I'm so upset about things-doesn't place much value on sex or cuddles-and has referred to emotional problems with parents. Hate the fact that the problems are passed back to me as if the whole thing is my responsibility.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 02/08/2006 15:38

Nocturnal deafness? Is that a real condition or was he swinging the lead?

Sorry to hear you're so low.

Tortington · 02/08/2006 16:27

tell him you want a regular rogering and he should get himself off to doctors for some tests. tell him you feel a regular rogering is very important in a marriage and if theres something hes not telling you he should come out with it - if its not a sex drive problem but a mental problem - like cant do rogering with children in next room - or whatever - he needs to say. tell him its completetly in his court and you want a rogering on a regular basis.

then come back and tell us what he says becuase so often there is never feedback.

Original poster
katti2005 · 02/08/2006 18:26

nocturnal deafness :def.: inability to hear children/telephone during the night..... (or requests for naked tangoing)
Trying to maintain a sense of humour and perspective is hard
Have had it out with him in last few days , has told me he 'has to give it some thought', am trying to be reasonable and patient, though find it hard when I am chopping veg with a LARGE KNIFE!!!! and he is in the kitchen( watch the headlines for wife fillets husband with a melon baller or the like)

OP posts:
LaDiDaDi · 02/08/2006 19:10

What the hell does he mean by "has to give it some thought?" it's action that's needed surely, not thought!

Dp and I have sex a bit less since we had dd 12 weeks ago as we are both a bit more tired and opportunities are more limited with a lo but your situation sounds pretty extreme.

HappyDaddy · 02/08/2006 22:28

Give him a slap and tell him to sort you out or you'll find someone who will.

TambaIsBadBadBad · 02/08/2006 22:35

Maybe he has a medical problem or something?

Does he umm... sort him self out?

HappyDaddy · 02/08/2006 23:00

Actually my comment was most unhelpful, sorry.

lazyanna · 02/08/2006 23:23

lol, 5 years and counting

BudaBabe · 03/08/2006 00:48

11 years this month (not that I'm counting)

Latipsoh · 03/08/2006 00:53

Katti - you need to find out what there is to think about. Prostate problems can and often do cause problems with a mans libido, performance etc.

It doesnt sound like that is what is going on, but, in fairness to you, and out of respect for your relationship, he needs to see your gp to check that there isnt anything wrong, and if no physical problems found, perhaps organise some counselling instead?

cataloguequeen · 03/08/2006 01:27

I really feel for you Katti

I think I would have murdered him by now or been a v bad wifey indeed!!

As others have said he really needs to see his g.p just for starters... it isn't fair on you or him if there's a problem that can be solved.

Goodluck keep us posted xx

aaronsmummy · 03/08/2006 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pinknfluffy29 · 03/08/2006 10:28

totally agree with ladida!! sounds like he's a little embarrassed and maybe does have a medical problem. reassure him that if he has got worries/stress or anything else underlying that it can be talked over and put right!!! hope things get sorted keep us informed!!!

lazyanna · 03/08/2006 23:25

buda!!!!!!!! that's worse than me!!!!!!!

lazyanna · 03/08/2006 23:25

and not reassuring

Original poster
katti2005 · 04/08/2006 12:15

Blimey Budababe.... how , why, WHAAAT!? (shock)
Thanks To you all for your very sweet and funny messages.....
DH is in medical profession( so has an answer for everything!?) so pretty sure it is nothing physical- I think it is an emotional problem- says his father was is overtly sexual in nature and this used to embarass the hell out of him, mother is very emotionally immature, and she used to complain of not getting any cuddles or hugs from DH's dad. Aaronsmummy- lol and a big hug-
Happydaddy- don't worry it made me laugh {grin)

OP posts:
Original poster
katti2005 · 04/08/2006 12:19

aaronsmummy- I meant lots of love ( lol), I hate acronyms sozx
I can't and don't ever want to imagine what you must have gone through..x

OP posts:
aaronsmummy · 04/08/2006 12:23

tbh not many peopple know but I feel rather anonymous on here and thought it might help. Good luck with it & take care.xx

liquidclocks · 04/08/2006 12:41

So does he say he still fancies you? Or now that you've had his babies and gone up 2 sizes (no big deal in terms of other ladies' post-pg weight gain imo) he wants you to lose weight - or don't you think even that would help?

Sorry, not trying to upset you, more feeling at him on your behalf!

My DH doesn't have a fantastic sex drive (lower than mine anyway) but TBH, sometimes I just say 'come on!' (no pun intended) - so what if he's not in 'the mood', I have needs! He's generally quite accomodating and I'm pretty sure he enjoys it once we get going . I guess the point is that he loves me and while sex isn't the most important thing in our realtionship he wants to make me happy so he makes the effort. I know it's a bit different for a bloke but if he's having physical or psychological problems around getting an erection there's plenty of help available. Also, you don't need to have intercourse do you, plenty of other stuff he could do to satisfy you IYSWIM!

Sorry, waffling. I do think you need to firmly put the responsibility for this at his door though and tell him it's not your problem, it's his, he needs to sort it because it's making you unhappy - and you want to see evidence that he's trying. I think 5 yrs is long enough for him to have got off his backside and tried to sort it out for the sake of loving you and saving your marriage.

Original poster
katti2005 · 04/08/2006 15:22

No offence taken Liquidclocks- yes I would like to go back to BC weight and size, would also like to be ten years younger, have Victoria Beckhams money ( though not her wardrobe! ) Have tried to lose weight in the past year and have started to notice a difference, but decided to do this for my own self esteem and not through pressure from him. DH never terribly keen on foreplay ( is any man? ) I hate laying the blame entirely at his feet, he said he didn't realise sex was so important to me, so perhaps I haven't communicared with him as well as I thought.

OP posts:
Carpo · 07/08/2006 21:40

Just had to look at this thread as my dh and I have similar discussions. I think it's a problem much more common than anyone realises due to the perceived wisdom that men are the sex mad monsters and we women have to be pursuaded! Yeah right - we're actually the sexy ones, even after having babies!

Have to admit that our 'problem' isn't quite as bad as some mentioned here but we have only had sex once since our 6mth old DS was born and even before that I've usually been the one to initiate/demand sex. It gets boring doesn't it? Sometimes one simply wants to be ravished...

arancini · 05/05/2008 19:59

well, it's more than 20 months since I started this thread, one name change later(forgot password!) and NOTHING has changed...
well except me...
I've gone back to uni to do 2nd degree, lost a stone and a half, and still had no sex!!I'm channelling the energy into coursework!!
Just thought I'd feedback!!!!x

orangehead · 05/05/2008 20:07

well done for doing things for yourself. Im doing 1st degree and trying to loose weight lol at trying just had pizza for tea. So sorry things are the same, have you talked anymore to him about it?