no sex and confused

[katti2005]

have had sex with dh 4 x in 5years. says he loves me and thinks about me all the time. I want a husband NOT a brother- DH not very touchy feely and has never been the most rampant lover. DH finds most things very easy to talk about but not this. Am at the point where I hardly care anymore and although I have agreed to give him (yet more) time I feel thwarted and trapped.

well, yes and no- he ducks out of the conversation at the slightest hint of me bringing it up- so I have now given up completely. I just don't have those feelings for him anymore, rejection is a terribly hard thing to cope with, so now I have switched them off. I still get days when I feel so angry with him I want to hit him, but there is nothing I can do about it.
I spoke to a couple of friends about it and they were shocked and said they thought it was really cruel of him- I think so too- the thought of never having intimate contact ever again with someone is enough to lay me low for days-as I said I'm channelling the energy into work! ;-(x

I think it's quite cruel too. My exH witheld any affection after conception of DS2 and we had sex once between then and when we split up. He blamed the presence of the children (not in the room of course) . But just the fact they might wake, Tho they were on the floor below.

He would not discuss it or do anything about it. He went away alot on business and swore he was not being unfaithful but I am not so sure. But by then I was past caring. Still not sure whether the sex dried up because the relationship was bad or vice versa.

As someone with a high sex drive (get very grumpy when don't have regular sex) this witholding of sex almost destroyed me.

However

Since the split he has gone on to meet new DP who is pg (think that might affect their sex life as that is when he began to get like that with me)

And I have picked myself off the floor, regained a positive body image and had the sex of my life with someone I have alot more chemistry with.

Don't know if that helps but I do sympathise with where you are at the moment. It is hell!! Hope you get somethign sorted out.

PS will probably get flamed but towards the end of my marriage when he had stonewalled me on this issue I would have taken a lover had the opportunity arisen.

Surely part of the deal in marriage is to have sex or look after one's partner in some way. Or at least make an effort to address any problems in that area.

YOu need to have a discussion with him about the possibility of you having no-=strings sex elsewhere. I appreciate that this is not a solution that will work for everyone, but nor is it the answer for you to be deprived of sex when you have an active libido, just because your partner doesn;t want sex. ONe of the most common causes of misery between couples is a mismatch in libidos (one wants more sex than the other does) and the only way this can be properly solved is with discussion and compromise. It is not acceptable for one partner to say the equivalent of 'I don't like sex, won't engage in it, you will just have to control yourself you dirty beast'.
There is nothing noble or virtuous or pure in refraining from sexual activity when you have a loving partner: to refuse even to discuss it is selfish and unkind.
Talking to your partner about taking a lover may be the thing that jolts him into seeing that he has to take notice of your feelings and needs and he can;t just ignore you.

Agree with all of you!!Those in the same situation as me will know how hard it is achieve any sort of breakthrough on this. either the desire for sex/intimacy is there or it isn't . Sometimes counseling and talking it through isn't enough, you just have to do it- as they say action (or inaction) speaks louder than words.
Also, I hope I don't seem like the martyr type- I've always hated the smell of burning! I simply made a pact with myself to go with the flow, get thru my degree and achieve financial independence. if that seems a little calculated, well, I have three very happy confident young children who need taking care of too.
There is probably no chance of DH ever changing now, he isn't happy either,not because of the lack of sex, but I think because heknows I am unhappy and angry. incidentally Madame Z, he simply shrugged his shoulders when asked if he thought having a relationship with someone else was a possibility...what can you say to that?!!!

Thank goodness it's not just me, have talked to some friends and they seem to think that I'm a freak with a bad marriage!
No sex for months, when we do it's boriiiing. But I LOVE sex, what's gone wrong??? And I really do love dh. hmmm maybe we're just far too knackered....

Arancini: frankly if he shrugs his shoulders then I think you would be justified in finding yourself a 'friend with benefits'. Though whether or not you can deal with that sort of arrangment depends on you: do you think you would feel guilty? Do you think you might 'fall in love' with your f*ckbuddy? An option that might be 'cleaner' in a way would be to have a final discussion with your DH to the effect that you can;t consider the two of you to be a couple any more but you can/would be happy to live in the same house as co-parents and enjoy a family relationship but with both of you being free to have romantic/sexual fun elsewhere. Because living longterm without something that you want and feel you need (whether that's sex, children or a job) because your partner doesn't want to provide it or let you have it is very, very bad for you. You will end up with stress symptoms both physical and mental and quite probably will grow to hate your partner. People aren;t each other's property and if you can't give someone what they want you need to let them find it elsewhere.

summed up beautifully, and objectively MadameZ. I have said I can no longer engage with him on an emotional level, as I can't take the rejection anymore. He seemed to accept this if not happily, but quite resignedly. That hurt, but then I'm used to that by now.
Problem is, me-how do I reconcile myself to living under such conditions-I have always disliked hypocrites, and I will feel like a big fat one by maintaining such a pretence.
I have told as many people as I trust about the situation, which admittedly is a mere handful-as much to protect him and the bambini as much as myself.
My self image is on the floor-although I have no weight problems etc, I feel completely unnattractive -the power of rejection eh!

I don't think you're being hypocritical if you do find yourself a fuckbuddy. Relationships function in many different ways: lots of people who live in couples are into swinging, for instance, or both happily celibate. You don't have to parade your preferences to be non-hypocritical - just don't bang on to everyone about how 'perfect' your relationship with your DH is: other people don't need to know all your business.

This is going to sound horrible, but I wanted to run it past you anyway - my XH was a very overbearing personality. Whatever he wanted, when he wanted it, why hadn't I done the things he wanted, etc. I found it very difficult to feel warm and loving towards him in bed when his every second word to me was negative and critical during the day.

A very dominant friend of mine had a similar problem with her DH, for the same reasons (he confided to me. He didn't feel that she liked him, so he damn sure wasn't going to have sex with her when she demanded).

It's just a side nobody else has mentioned, so I thought it worth mentioning, because of my own experience.
No offence intended.

None taken littlewoman, tho' I'm not sure I could exactly be described as the dominant type, quite the opposite, actually-
oh to be that confident to demand sex!! I just feel that enough is enough, after putting up and shutting up for 17 years. (first ten, sporadic sex spiralling to the dizzy depths of nothing for the last seven years!)God, I do sound bitter!
Madamez-sensible as ever, you are right. who needs to know? only me...

katti2005, I suggest you and your dh visit a psychologist specialising in sex therapy. If your dh has no problems in his trousers, he probably has one in his head. Just treat it non-judgmentally as an ailment that can be fixed.

Have suggested this in the past, (I am psych., he's in medicine)-he thinks it is a lot of guff-LOL with irony-wild horses couldn't drag him (his words!)...

sorry if that sounds really defeatist, but it is what I have to deal with on a daily basis...counseling and therapy is useless if the person doesn't feel the need to change/require help etc.
I feel the right thing to do at the moment is to completely withdraw-pressure is then off us both-and maybe give him time to contemplate doing something about it himself -he has control issues, and I suspect he needs to suss this one out himself.

I've had sex once(recently)in 21/22 months, since well before Dd was born. He finds pg women unattractive and now has no explanation. I'm not an unattractive woman and before I got out of practise, I was quite a good loverI've been told.
I have a male friend(an exbf actually)that I chat to, mostly by phone and he offers his ' services' all the time and he's a far better lover than my Dp. But I love my Dp deeply and can't go into a loveless sex life. I just think that once you've stepped over that line, there is absolutely no going back. Would life with the man you love ever be the same again? I doubt it somehow and that's the danger - well it is for me anyway...so, I guess it's a sexless love life then...

Thanks Toadinthehole-it's good to have a male perspective too-DH has never had a particularly strong libido-which of course I was aware of almost from the outset-so I can't say I am totally surprised at the current situation, nor by admitting that,feel I am able to protest too loudly-you make your own bed etc. I think the reason why my patience is wearing thin is that it has been like this for so long, with little discussion that I have finally had to switch off to maintain my own sanity-as Madamez said-it feels incredibly unfair when one person has the right of veto over such an important part of married life. Glad for you that your wife is so understanding-best wishes to you bothx

Do you think that having a husband/partner present at babies births can damage the sex life? My Dp was never particularly forth coming with the sexual affection, but we did do it and I wonder if him seeing Dd being born was damaging in that sense? any other thoughts on this? particularly from the male perspective please?

I guess it depends on the guy. Personally, it had absolutely no impact on me, even though I was definitely there at the birth! It's such an utterly random, out-of-body experience that for me at least, it just bears no relation (either anatomically or in any other regard) to sex.

thanks for that cestlavie.

Solo, if anything it improved ours: my wife became less self-conscious about her body after I'd seen her at her worst.

To be honest, I found watching my wife give birth rather dull. Luckily, for the first birth, I had a book, and her second delivery was quick. I wasn't grossed out at all, and I didn't regard my wife's body any differently afterwards.

I agree with cestlavie - it all depends on the guy.

aran there is a very high chance you will meet someone else and it may be curtains for your dh.

Solo- there wasn't a huge amount going on before children- although it stopped completely after I became prg. with DC3-at the birth he mumbled something about not being able to go through 'that' again-I laughed loudly at the time....hadn't realised he meant childbirth AND sex!!!!.
Sorry, not very helpful- but it's perfectly feasible in the deepest recesses of his mind that his rejection is for him, an acceptable form of contraception. Then again- he might just not like sex/me anymore.