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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help - sexting

46 replies

kitkatface · 26/01/2014 16:45

please dont judge me as im in a terrible state.
i recently started a new job in a new city where i dont know many people and although i am in a relationship it has been really tough over the last few months and i have struggled to stay with my partner who often works away from home
my new boss started sexting me a few weeks ago and i responded, glad for a bit of attention and flattery. trouble is, hes married with a little baby girl.
another issues is that people at work think im a lot younger than i actually am (i have been vague about my age as im generally a very private person), including probably my boss who is 8 years younger than me (though he probably doesnt realise it).
i dont know what to do, hes pushing for more than texts and im so tempted as i am so unhappy but i know it is the wrong thing to do

OP posts:
Logg1e · 26/01/2014 16:47

Could you give us more of a picture of the content of these texts?

Logg1e · 26/01/2014 16:47

Oh, and welcome to Mumsnet.

Hassled · 26/01/2014 16:50

People's bosses don't randomly out of nowhere start sexting their employees really, do they? I'm sensing a back-story here.

Stop reciprocating. Work out what you want to do in your actual relationship - stay or leave, but be fair about it.

Original poster
kitkatface · 26/01/2014 16:54

the content varies...mostly quite sweet, about wanting to have weekends away together and wanting to take me somewhere romantic so we can be together though they can also be quite sexual about what we would like to do to eachother

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 16:55

Your boss is abusing his position and you're bored, lonely and being a fool. There must be some women at this new place you work that you can make friends with and go out for a beer with. You can do better than the office lech...

Original poster
kitkatface · 26/01/2014 16:59

what about the age issue?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/01/2014 17:01

Age is irrelevant. He is married with a baby, you are in a relationship.

Get a grip, stop having an emotional affair with your boss, sort out your own relationhsip one way or the other.

Cabrinha · 26/01/2014 17:04

Go and talk to a professional about why you're prepared to have sexual conversations with a man you barely know, but know is married. Regardless of your own relationship, get some morals, and get some self respect.

Original poster
kitkatface · 26/01/2014 17:07

but i am so attracted to him and i know he is to me too, surely there is something more to this.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 17:07

The age difference is the element you see as the problem here?.... Hmm You've been targeted by a bloke who is a liar, a cheat, has no sense of loyalty or morality and ... in case it has escaped your notice... could seriously damage your employment prospects! Who out of the pair of you do you think is going to come off worse here when it all goes tits up? Not him, that's for sure.

Please... take off your Mills & Boon goggles, tell him it's all got to stop and then try to recover some of your self respect.

Original poster
kitkatface · 26/01/2014 17:10

hes so sweet to me, it is so difficult to reject the attention when i am so frustrated and sad

OP posts:
catsmother · 26/01/2014 17:13

I don't see what on earth the "age issue" has to do with this particular issue ?!?

Generally speaking, the only way you'll fix people thinking you're younger than you are - which many people would feel flattered by - is if you're a bit less private and a bit more truthful. If it really matters that is.

Going back to the sexting - it's not fair to your partner and it's not fair to his wife. If you're unhappy with your relationship then you need to try and fix what makes you unhappy, or have the guts to get out. Then you can sext with whoever you want - providing they're not attached.

Surely it's not worth carrying on with this in light of the upset it could potentially cause for two completely innocent parties ? Add to that the work connection and the longer this goes on, the more potential there is for repercussions there.

Really - just block him, don't reply, think long and hard about sorting out your life. Make a list of what you don't like - and how or if those things can be mended. Make another list of what you want - and how those things can be achieved, even if you have to make long term plans.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 17:13

This is going to be one of those threads where you argue against every sensible person that tries to help you, isn't it ?

Mumsnet is full of them at the moment. Anyone would think it was another invasion of time and energy suckers.

RandomMess · 26/01/2014 17:13

It is because you are frustrated and sad and he is being sweet to you that you are so so so attracted to him. He is fulfilling a genuine need that you have but this way will only lead to heartache!!!!

You will either be his bit on the side/OW or he will leave his wife and child - causing them heartbreak, and you'll become a stepmum and straight into the mundane reality of that life, and oh he will probably be prepared to leave you when he's bored of that life with you and finds someone else to rescue.

You are in a sad and loney place, sort that out by going to see a therapist AND by throwing yourself into meeting single people and buiding some friendships.

macystacy · 26/01/2014 17:14

I have made some big mistakes in my time but the biggest was ever shagging my boss at work, never ever again would I shit I my own doorstep like that. He was even single but made life very difficult for me when I wanted it to stop.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 17:15

He's picked you out precisely because you're frustrated and sad, I suspect. I'm so sorry your loneliness is being manipulated and exploited. He's enjoying the ego-massage you're giving him and using you as a kind of cheap sex chat line with the option of converting you to a bit on the side in due course. All the time going home to the DW and baby and acting like a good family man.

If you're sad and your relationship with your DP is over then please... talk to old friends, pick up the phone, spend time with family, go places. Just don't switch on the 'desperate' neon light over your head that is attracting this twat.

What's the atmosphere like in the office?

Original poster
kitkatface · 26/01/2014 17:15

thanks guys, im really not trying to argue against everything, its just for obvious reasons, this is the first time ive dared talk about it to anyone so i have a lot of questions

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 17:16

You know the answers to the questions already, I suspect. If you're depressed have you thought about talking to your GP? (Or a new GP if you've moved)

macystacy · 26/01/2014 17:17

Also no matter what happens you will come out worse professionally than him! Count on it!

CocktailQueen · 26/01/2014 17:17

You've had some great advice. The age issue is irrelevant. What is relevant that he's married with a baby and you're in a relationship. Sort out your own relationship first. What a prince to be sexting a colleague when he has a baby. Not.

RandomMess · 26/01/2014 17:18

Your feelings are very intense and very real for you, however they are not healthy because of your situation.

Original poster
kitkatface · 26/01/2014 17:19

the atmosphere isnt great anyway, its quite a high pressured job that im doing with long hours etc and a couple of people have made vague comments about the boss 'fancying me' but so far, just made in jest

OP posts:
Abbykins1 · 26/01/2014 17:25

If he's your boss surely he has access to your personal records and consequently your age.

All sounds a bit suss to me.

RandomMess · 26/01/2014 17:27

For all you know he's done this to many women and he's a complete sleaze!

RollerCola · 26/01/2014 17:28

It's difficult to picture the future when you get carried away in your emotions like this. But try to imagine this:

You decide to have an affair with your married boss. You feel great, you love the attention. You both lie to your partners about where you are.

In a few weeks time your partner finds out and tells his wife. You start receiving texts and phone calls from her telling you you've ruined her and her children's lives. His family are devastated and all turn on you for being a 'marriage wrecker'

Your partner kicks you out of your house. You have nowhere to go so ask your boss to leave his wife and live with you. He decides to stay with his wife and work on his marriage. He refuses to speak to you as his wife has demanded that he stops all contact and he's scared she'll divorce him.

Life at work becomes unbearable as everyone knows and you become the talk of the town. You have no choice but to leave your job.

It might sound harsh but reality is often exactly like this. Think about what you've got to lose and how many other lives you and boss will ruin if you carry on with this.

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