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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just a bit of advice

27 replies

AriannaD · 26/01/2014 15:59

Name changed. My partner got mad at me last night and started throwing stuff around the bedroom. Today he told me it's over and called me all kinds of names I have remained calm and told him if that is what he wants to do then I can't argue but we need to be mature and civilised for the sake of our DC. Being calm seems to have angered him more he started to hit himself in the head and saying I want to be with you forever and that he wanted to die. I'm confused and a little scared but I think best thing is for me to leave. Can anyone tell me is there some kind of checklist I should have as what to bring? Sorry if this makes no sense I'm actually a bit stunned by it all.

OP posts:
TeenyW123 · 26/01/2014 16:16

Sounds like he's trying to control you, and now it hasn't worked he's upped the ante.

Keep him calm for the moment. When you feel safe make sure you prime somewhere to go - a friend or relative.

Get your financial ducks in a row. Get passports and financial docs, evidence of his earnings and joint assets etc.

Keep a bag packed with emergency kit - clothes, money etc to make a quick getaway if he kicks off again.

Call 101 and tell them that you feel at risk. If he does kick off you'll be a priority number and the police will respond faster. Also call Women's Aid. They're very busy, but if you are being abused they are the experts in helping you to extricate from a potentially explosive situation.

Tell someone in real life that you feel threatened. Talking about it will make it more 'real', especially when he turns on the Mr Nice Guy act.

Do what you need to do to to make you and the DC safe.

Sort out a solicitor over the next few days. Speak to 3 or 4 for the free half hour and find one that you're comfortable with and is an expert in famil law.

RonaldMcDonald · 26/01/2014 16:22

Okay, sounds very confusing and frightening. I hope that you are okay.

The first thing is to see if you and your children are safe. So that would be my first priority and I'm sure it's yours.
Has your partner been changeable/violent previously or is this completely out of character?
Is it possible for him to remove himself from the situation whilst you both decide what to do next? I say that because you all need to be safe although this sounds very difficult.

If he will not remove himself perhaps it would be sensible to consider your options especially if you are frightened or scared. Explaining this to him might encourage him to absent himself or see how serious you consider this to be. These options could consider your calling the police and having him removed for your safety - although you might feel that that is unnecessary. Failing that could you go to stay with a relative or perhaps family whilst all decisions are made?

Regarding your P has he been changeable recently? Was he under the influence of drugs and alcohol whilst any/all of this occurred? Does he have mental health problems? Has he previously tried to harm himself? What I mean is is it possible to see if he is in real danger to himself that might require a medical intervention.

I hope it works out well and there will be better people equipped along any sec to advise

Original poster
AriannaD · 26/01/2014 16:29

Thanks for the replies. He had been a bit verbally abusive a few years ago and maybe once since birth of my DC sometimes it is because of drink other times not. Never like this ever. But he twists everything back on me. He says I am trying to control him, funny that since I stay at home minding DC do all housework, cooking and he goes out once during week and one day at the weekend. He is saying it is my fault he got angry.
When I was younger I was in a very abusive relationship and this is starting to raise red flags for me. Is it me ? That's what I keep thinking? Is there just something wrong with me that makes men hate me.
I'm sure he was saying he wanted to die to try make me feel sorry for him after everything he did?

OP posts:
Original poster
AriannaD · 26/01/2014 16:30

And thanks for the list I will start sorting that when he goes to work tomorrow

OP posts:
TeenyW123 · 26/01/2014 16:32

No, no, no. Definitely not you. You are the reasonable one here.

His reaction to your calm response was totally out of order.

And yes, the wanting to die crap is trying to Hoover you back to doing the good little wife act that is HIS equilibrium. There'll be flowers soon, I expect.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/01/2014 16:36

I'd suggest you contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 for advice how to leave safely. His behaviour sounds so erratic and aggressive that you may need to get yourself and the DCs to a refuge rather than take any chances.

BTW... it isn't 'you'. There's nothing wrong with you & you're not a magnet for ill-treatment. It is possible to simply be unlucky in meeting the same kind of abusive man twice in a row. As for 'wanting to die' do a search for a thread entitled 'if you leave me I'll kill myself'. It's a very common thing for abusive men to say when they think the game is up. Point him in the direction of the Samaritans rather than allowing him to make you feel responsible for his life.

Good luck and stay safe

Original poster
AriannaD · 26/01/2014 16:39

I just can't do the good little wife act anymore . I don't think I can ever look at him the same. He looked right at me, right in my eyes when I was playing with DC and said you are an arsehole, do you know that an arsehole! My heart was breaking

OP posts:
TeenyW123 · 26/01/2014 17:08

And what does that say about him? How fucking dare he? In front of the kids too?!?

AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 17:09

End this relationship, honey.

Original poster
AriannaD · 26/01/2014 17:12

I will. I have too. I don't know how I'm going to tell my family.

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AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 17:14

Tell the the truth. This is your life not theirs. Or tell them fuck-all.

TeenyW123 · 26/01/2014 17:16

You've NCed. So there's a back story somewhere?

Original poster
AriannaD · 26/01/2014 17:29

I nc because I had posted previously about his lack of support and got great advice and ppl shared what their OH did . I showed him that thread so thought it best to nc for this

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AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 17:31

don't show him this thread

AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 17:33

(I really wish people wouldn't show their unreasonable partners their threads on MN. I stop responding when they do that, because I don't want to be in a weird 3 way argument with some tosser slagging off what I say).

Original poster
AriannaD · 26/01/2014 17:43

No way I would show him this. The last thread was suggested to me to show him so he could see he was a lazy git

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 17:45

It didn't work , did it ?

It's a complete waste of time. The lazy gits are usually fully aware of what twats they are being and don't appreciate being reminded by a bunch of hairy, lesbian harridans.

Original poster
AriannaD · 26/01/2014 18:05

Lol thank you that is the first time I have laughed all day. No it did not work, he picked up after himself for 2 days then back to normal

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AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 18:20

Surprise !!!

Sorry, will shut up now, just a little personal bugbear of mine after many years of being on MN.

Original poster
AriannaD · 26/01/2014 18:31

Well I guess my plan starts tomorrow then. Oh all his banking is online so I don't have and bank statements in the house I could take pictures of his payslips though?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 19:00

Yes, get as much financial info as you can

But fgs, don't tell him (yet)

Original poster
AriannaD · 26/01/2014 19:29

No I need to work up the courage to tell my family and get things sorted. He was trying to be nice to me earlier now he is being vile. I asked him to speak to me with a bit of respect I deserve in front of DC and his reply was you don't deserve any respect but I guess I'll speak to you civily.

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AnyFucker · 26/01/2014 19:32

Big of him Hmm

Only1scoop · 26/01/2014 19:33

Good luck Op but please be careful sounds like he gets abusive when his 'good cop....bad cop' routine doesn't get a reaction. You and dc take care.

Original poster
AriannaD · 26/01/2014 19:34

He is making it so much easier for me to stick with my decision to leave.?

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