How can I love dh again? Fallen out of love.

[CocktailQueen]

Dh annoys me. We have been together 18 years and have two dc age 10 and 6. I gave always done the vast majority of housework and cooking, and was a sahm when the dc were smaller.

Now I find myself being more and more irritated with dh - the way he leaves his shoes in the way all the time, the way he watches football all the timw, his opinions, his politics, the way he disciplines the dc - everything annoys me.

I don't want sex because I don't feel close to him. On the surface all is fine and we get on ok, though it does seem like I have three dc sometimes. I gave to ask him to do house things etc, he wouldn't think of doing things unless prompted.

If it was just us, I think I'd have left him. But because we have the dc, I have put it to the back of my mind - it's not a thing I want to subject the dc to. They would be devastated.

But can I live like this for the rest of my life? Feeling stressed, low level resentment, like I always have to be in charge and thinking about homework, packed lunches etc?

Can anyone suggest how I can get the love back? I used to love him so so much, and feel really sad now.

Thanks if anyone can help.

He doesn't sound especially lovable, tbh.

In answer to your question - I really don't think you can.

This is what divorce is designed for.

Does he know how you feel? I mean properly know that the relationship is hanging in the balance? Or does the reaction to him leaving shoes in the wrong place, his 'discipline' methods or not pulling his weight just wash over him and he's stopped listening?

Agree with the PP that he doesn't sound very loveable

It depends on whether he wants to help you fall in love again. Tell him how you feel. You would need to work together. Counselling could help. It sounds like he needs a kick up the arse. I've felt like this and got past it by communicating and taking action.

No, he doesn't know how I feel. He knows I'm not as happy as I used to be, but not the full extent. I've only just admitted it to myself really.

He is a nice guy and there are lots of good things about him. He's kind, a good provider, we have no money arguments, we think the same way about a lot of things.

I know I'm not also as good at praising the good things he does as I am at noticing the annoying things.

So did it work for you, Rainbow?

Bumping for more advice - please!

I'm in a similar position to you op. I can't give one reason why I feel the way I do...........I just do

How are things with you?

I agree that at this stage you should be looking to communicate how you feel and why to him, and seek ways of finding a solution.

He may be used to the status quo and not realise how he can make things better.

If after a while he doesn't change at all, or you still feel the same, then work out on separating, because it's not necessarily better for the DC to live in a home with no love between the parents.

Do you think he loves you?

Thanks. Blushingm - I'm sorry to hear it. It's a bit shit. What do you plan to do - if anything?

Lweji - there is affection between us. We do laugh and talk nicely to each other and hold hands when out etc - it's not all arguments. Yes - he does love me. He's under a lot of stress at the moment - family and work - and has a lot on his plate - but he is generally better than I am at saying, let's get a babysitter and go out, or let's put the TV off and chat this evening - I'd rather bury my head in the sand because it's too difficult to talk about, and if I open a can of worms by telling him how I feel, I don't know how it will end.

But if you say nothing, you do know how it will end, nothing will change.

Sometimes men need spoon feeding when it comes to housework etc....what I see as a relatively tidy house, my wife sees as a mess.

You might not say at this stage that you don't love him, but that you feel like there is the danger of that happening, as you feel increasingly annoyed. You can tell him the things that make you cross with him and what needs to change.

I would encourage you to look at what is happening as a stage on a journey. I think it's normal to find your partner annoying after so many years. I've heard older people say they stay married by learning to cope with the annoying stuff e.g. making light of it, focussing on his good points - a change in mindset. Not easy but possible. The worst thing you can do is not talk to DH about it. Without moaning you could suggest some changes to the family routine that would make you happier and all the family happier as a consequence.

It sounds like you need more fun times together. You could try an outdoor activity, something that makes you both laugh. Get out of the house more often. A change of scenery might help you see him with fresh eyes away from those irritating stray shoes and mundane domesticity. Of course I'm assuming you have obliging relatives who are happy to look after your children while you both invest time in your marriage.

If you want him to help with household chores and making packed lunches you need to spell out specific tasks. Write a short list with deadlines and leave him to get on with it. It just won't occur to him to do these things otherwise - frustrating but reality with lots of men. When he's done it praise him so much it feels like you're taking the p*ss. He won't realise. Give him a few ongoing regular househould/childcare tasks which are completely his responsibility. I guess you'd be happier feeling part of a team than a drudge.

This book might help too: I Love You But I'm Not in Love With You (Andrew G Marshall).

I wish you well.

Thanks Violet. That's really helpful :) Will check out that book. Good idea about a stage on a journey. No relationship can be lovely all the time...

Tell him what you need from him. From what you say I think he wants you to be happy. He's probably too busy thinking about work, football, sex etc to notice domestic stuff. Say "If you were to do X, Y & Z I would be more likely to be in the mood for lurve" I believe you would suddenly have a more helpful, attentive DH on your hands. Win-win all round.

Hi Cocktail
I would recommend a really good book called The Big Book of Us. I think the author is called Nina Gruen. It is a book that you work through together as a couple and it is great for helping you to re connect, remember all the good times, get curious about each other again, and air current problems but in a safe, structured and non argumentative way.

I know it sounds waffley but it is fantastic. My husband and I did it about 5 years ago and it really helped us to get back on track. He is a gruff northern bloke and not the self help book type at all but he enjoyed doing it, and says it really helped him... so even if you think your DH would hate this kind of thing, give him the chance to pleasantly surprise you.
Wishing you luck. X

I disagree that this is what divorce is for. This is what MARRIAGE is for, in my opinion. You agreed to get married as a commitment to try to work through these hard times, and it sounds like you are taking that commitment seriously.

I don't have any detailed advice but I think 'finding yourself' at this stage of your life can really help. What is it that YOU, just you, want to do? Cycle through France? Travel to India? Write a novel? Identify that thing, and do it. Otherwise you'll continue to think about shoes in the wrong place and in the end, frustrating as those shoes are (I know!) they don't really matter in the big scheme of things.

Also, tell your husband that you love him and try to find one nice thing to say to him every day. A change in your language can have a massive impact on your attitude toward him and the love you feel for him.

You can also say, I love you DH but GOD YOU DRIVE ME MENTAL when you leave your shoes there.

He can change to be the most perfect husband/father/whatever but if you have fallen out if love already, that wouldn't make a difference in the way you see him, because love is about admiration, attraction and trust, and you seem to have lost the three already.

I would advise a round of counselling to see if you can find the way to bring some intimacy back into the relationship. But to be honest, it is bad news. Sorry :-(

And no, this is not what marriage is for, unless your idea of marriage is that of loving your husband as if he was a younger brother.

"I know I'm not also as good at praising the good things he does as I am at noticing the annoying things."

He's not a puppy. You shouldn't have to praise him.

I speak to sooooo many women who get stuck in this rut. The children grow up a little and all of a sudden, you find yourself looking at the Mr thinking: "You're breathing too loudly."

Do you want to fall back in love with him, or has that ship unfortunately already sailed? Have you tried communicating with him? Would you be willing to go to counselling together? I also agree with a previous poster - figure out what YOU want.

Do you remember the things that made you fall in love with him originally? (assuming that you once fell in love with him, that is).

I think women get a lot of really awful advice about "training" men like dogs or children and rewarding them for good behaviour.

It sucks. It treats men like imbeciles.

It completely ignores the inequality issues that are at the heart of this dynamic.

My advice is - tackle the root cause of where this went wrong. Him not pulling his weight, behaving like a child who needed mothering, being selfish and thinking that just because you're a woman, the bulk of the house and childcare was your domain.

You resent him. Your anger has now turned to contempt. You can't feel sexual towards someone you've mothered for so long. It feels incestuous and inappropriate.

I'm sure you've had numerous calm chats and angry arguments over the years about his laziness, so this is the time to have another calm chat with some real honesty.

Tell him how resentful you are and that it's years worth of it, not a passing phase.

Share with him how this has impacted on your sexual response toward him.

Explain that unless things change very dramatically, you'd be better off apart.

Be honest that it's got so bad now, you don't KNOW if you can ever get it back, but you're willing to try.

This is all said on the basic premise that you're being honest with US and haven't met someone else.

I agree with kiwi. This is what marriage is for. I mean come on... He doesn't sound lovable? Because he leaves his shoes out and doesn't help enough with the housework? Most men have a hard time with housework if their wife has been a SAHM and been in charge of it. You need to tell him what is bothering you.

It doesn't sound like he has a clue that anything is wrong. Bring it up. Tell him you want to work at your relationship. Try a new hobby together.

How are you treating him? Does he feel appreciated? If you start treating him with more kindness, do you think he would do the same to you?

Sure you could get divorced, find someone new. But when the excitement wears off they will annoy you too. And you 'll have the hassle of splitting time with your kids.

A successful marriage takes work, just like anything rewarding in life. Having a long term loving relationship doesn't mean you have the perfect partner, it means you work hard to have a relationship that is fulfilling for both people.

I could have written the OP, except it is DH who does the burying his head in the sand & we have only been together for 10 years. We split a week ago. It has been incredibly painful, to the point that I have doubted my decision but in my heart if hearts I know it would never have got any better. There is no easy answer I'm afraid.

Omg your relationship sounds exactly like mine was a year ago. And then exh eventually fell out of love with me and is now living with someone else :(

I realised all too late that I did actually still love him a lot more than I thought.

Please try and save it while you still can. At least try and then you'll have no regrets if it does go wrong.

I stuck my head in the sand and didn't communicate my issues. No one on the outside knew there was a problem until he left.

Agree with Lydiejo.

Thank you! So good to hear some more points of view.

NO - I have not met anyone else!! Jeez. Why would I?? If I were to leave, I'd want to be on my own, not lumber myself with another man!!

I do really make this want to work - especially for the kids.

*I know I'm not also as good at praising the good things he does as I am at noticing the annoying things."

He's not a puppy. You shouldn't have to praise him.*

I know, Vino - I said that because I know it's nice to hear praise, not just criticism! Didn't mean he was a puppy

Kiwiinkkits - that was really helpful. I have been thinking recently, what do I want?? (apart from a tidy house and no shoes in the way ;)) and I think this is a useful exercise. Thank you!

Sasquath and Chuck - I'm so sorry. Hugs to you both.

I need to go and have a really big think about all this, and how to talk to dh about it. Thank you.