How to deal with extremely self absorbed and moaning friend?

[meeroolla]

I've known her for several years, and she has always been self absorbed and a bit of a moaner but is getting worse and worse. We often go out in a group of friends, which is ok as obviously her behaviour is diluted, although she does dominate the conversation by talking about herself.

Basically she has one subject of conversation; 'her'! Whether it's moaning that she's cold, or moaning because she's tired, or talking about things that have happened to her, it's all about her. It is impossible to have a normal conversation with her where the conversation just flows as she goes over the same things over and over again and seems to have two or three main 'subjects' about herself and that's all she talks about. If I mention anything about myself or about current affairs or anything else, she doesn't reply. Or if I talk after she's been talking for ages she will busy herself with, for example, playing with her phone or rummaging in her bag. Today she popped round for a coffee and she was here for two hours and talked solidly about how cold she is (erm, we all are, it's winter!), how tired she is after doing extra hours at work this week, and about how she isn't sure whether to have her hair done a different colour or not.

To add a bit of background; she is in her late thirties but is totally spoilt by her parents, and in a way it's as if she's never totally grown up as she behaves in a total princessy way. She doesn't seem to 'get' that life is hard, everyone gets tired, everyone has problems, we just get on with it to an extent. Her parents have her child constantly for her, they do all her housework during the day when she's at work, they pay for everything for her, and treat her like a child.

I don't want to cut her off totally as our children are friends (that is how I met her) and have tried to distance myself but she never gets the hint. It would just be nice if sometimes she asked how I was, or listened if I spoke for a minute or two, or would have a chat about something other than herself!

Sorry but to be honest I can't see the point of a friendship like this. Can't you just be civil around the children and distance yourself from her gradually?

You are not obliged to be her friend just because of your children. Life is too short for people like this.

I've been trying to distance myself for the past few months, desperatelyseekingsolace but she doesn't seem to get the hint and just turns up or contacts me all the time.

Also we've got quite a large group of mutual friends, and have regular nights out, so I'm very conscious of causing an atmosphere or a falling out.

I do agree though that there seems little point in continuing the friendship.

People like that are so BORING! I call them 'Masters of the Me-Niverse' and you have my sympathy. Detaching and distancing sounds like the best option but if you'd rather tolerate her on an 'arms length' basis for the sake of the kids I suppose you could try out some put-downs.

You: Squuuuueeeaaaakkkkk!!!!!
Her: What on earth was that?
You: The sound of a word trying to get in edgeways.

You: So Mimi, can I offer you a biscuit?
Her: Who's Mimi?
You: You you :)

I know it's not always as easy as it sounds. Could you just keep your exposure to her limited to groups and stop arranging any one to one time with her and make excuses if she tries to set something up? Or is she too thick-skinned to get that?

Haha Cogito, I love those put-downs!!

And 'Masters of the Me-Niverse' sums her up to a tee! As far as she's concerned there is only one person in the world; her!

desperately she's so thick skinned, I think it'll take her a while to get it tbh.

I'm going to keep persevering with the phasing out though. Keeping exposure to her limited to groups is a good idea; I can then do my best to make sure I'm at the opposite end of the table to her. I guess I can cope with her in very small doses but seeing her regularly is just too stressful.

We had a day out shopping together fairly recently and it was torturous; hours and hours of listening to her talking about herself.

An alternative to Cog's inspired suggestions (which I love), I've found being very patronising also works in putting them off you. Misery loves company, so I do everything I can to isolate them (awful, I know).

I was legendary amongst a peer group for shutting up people by just saying 'That's a shame I'm really enjoying it' everytime someone moaned. Moaners can't stand Polly-Annas!

I like that idea too, Terrortree!

sometimes when I'm really at the end of my tether with her incessant talk, I keep changing the subject and just witter on about something else each time she speaks. She never seems to get that I'm doing it though.

I would just say no to every invitation she extends to you henceforth apart from the group ones and tune her out during the group ones.

If at any point she develops the self-awareness to ask you what's wrong you can just say you feel the relationship had become very one-sided as she shows no interest or concern for you at all. If she is upset, tough shit.

I am prepared to bet good money that your mutual friends are also to some degree irritated if she is as self absorbed as you say, so I doubt anyone will be pissed off with you about it.

I knew someone like this. I just started making excuses as to why
I couldn't meet one on one, and just kept it at group stuff. A few others in the group felt the same and we gradually started doing fewer and fewer things as a big group and did it in smaller groups. She gravitated towards some others in the group. After about a year, I now only see her when out and about and have a brief hello, but no socialising.

It was exhausting being friends with her and I got nothing from the friendship. I feel like the gentle untangling worked well. We can be perfectly pleasant, there was never an awkward moment to get over, but my life is better, calmer without that 'friendship' in it. We are much better as acquaintances. Hope you can get to that point too.

Yes, I think some of them find her quite irritating too. I notice that one or two try to change the subject when we're out and she's been dominating the conversation with talk about herself.

I've never known anyone quite like her; she doesn't seem to realise that life isn't always brilliant and easy, and seems genuinely put out if it's a cold day or if she's had to do an hour or two extra at work. Today it rained a lot when she was at my house and she was virtually having kittens, saying that she would absolutely have to stay in my house until it stopped as there was no way she could walk out to her car and get wet.

Another one (with thanks to my best friend who has an answer to everything)

Her: (Rattling off big list of trivial problems)
You: Still it's being so cheerful that keeps you going ....

Hahaha that's another great one, Cogito, I love that!!

everton I'm glad you managed to have a good outcome to phasing your friend out. Hopefully I'll be able to engineer things with my friend in a similar way.

Urgh, I can't stand Me-Me people!

Definitely distance yourself and avoid, avoid avoid!

Cogito - I use that expression (it's being so cheerful etc) on my moaning minnie of an Aunt. Think Eeyore without the charm!

I've a friend who talks and talks about the same things constantly - if I bring the same topic up again about what is up in my life I get a snappy "You told us already". When she goes on and on moaning I change the subject or suddenly keep noticing other stuff "Nice dress that woman's wearing" etc etc. If she tellsme off for not listening I say I have heard it all before and I know she does not like people repeating them selves.

Is your friend my sister???

Would the others agree with what you are saying?
Would some of them agree to talk jointly with her about it?

My guess is that she would very quickly revert to type though.

I would though, when out in groups, try not to be sitting to close to her, just to give yourself a break. Others may not mind her as much or may not notice as much the me-ness.

This woman is no friend at all of yours; she seems also to have a narcissistic type personality.

What you write is how they operate. These types use and will spit you out when they are done with you. What you wrote is exactly how they operate and how they are (their emotional age is really around six).

I realise that your children are friends but it does not follow that you should be friends with her automatically.

You need to harden yourself here and become less available to her as of now; if she turns up on your doorstep you do not have to let her in. Where are your own boundaries with regards to her?. They are far too low currently and she has taken full advantage. You really do need to become invisible to her.

I'd only ever respond to her with positive things or "I always tell the children that...".
So she's moaning about the rain..."I always tell the children it's great for the plants...have you seen how much my lawn has grown?".

She's cold?..."I always remind the children to put an extra layer on...besides, I love this time of year, being all snuggled up and cosy, don't you?!"

You can try it without the children part as adding in a positive spin usually cuts off the moaning but if you really want to put a stop to it, connecting her to a child should do nicely!

I'd definitely be backing off myself though, she sounds very draining and there's nothing in the friendship for you, other than the chance to be her counsellor.

Does she listen to you at all?
Is she generous at all?

I do know someone like this but she also has several redeeming characteristics, so the rest of the group somewhat overlook her other failings.

If your daughters are friends there is unfortunately another aspect to consider. As they get older how are you going to model to your daughter that such behaviour is not ok?
My ds is a little like that and the rest and I really struggled as I felt it was giving my DC such a mixed message that I didn't stand up to her (she sounds a little worse in that other people do feature in her 'meniverse' as the butt of gossip and slander)

I had a 'friend' like this and after justca year of being contacted by her for a 'little chat' every day and her dropping around whenever she felt like, I asked her if we could not talk about her [particularly negative subject] any more, please. She went NC with me abruptly without another word but has also turned the rest of that parent group against me and I don't see any of them much any more.

I have a friend like this. If she was an acquaintance I'd ditch her quite frankly. It's reached a stage where my heart sinks when she comes round because she moans about the same things over and over and over again with no resolution or plan to deal with things and the whole experience is very negative and draining.

The reason I tolerate this is because she's a friend of long standing who has been there for me in the past when I've needed it and she's had a genuinely very tough time of things. But it's hard. To my mind there are obvious solutions, which I've discussed with her, but she remains almost stubbornly passive about dealing with things. It's not stubborness though, it's depression, and you don't kick your friends when they're down.

I have a plan of action for this. I don't have her round any more often or for longer than I feel able to give. Fortunately, as I am a very positive person and am really happy with my life, this isn't dragging me down with her as long as I am able to limit my exposure. I have also imposed a mental time limit, after which (for her own good) I will cease being sympathetic and do some hard talking (with the proviso that I will help her with practical stuff where possible). I've had to do this in the past with the same friend, so I know our friendship will stand it.

Thanks everyone, lots of great advice there!

I can't think of any redeeming features she has tbh. I can't remember the last time she listened to me about anything.

I agree that she definitely has narcissistic traits; she has this knack of making me feel that I'm not quite as good as her. Very subtle, but anything she does say to me or notice about me is said in a condescending way. I dread seeing her if, for example, I've had my hair cut or coloured, as she'll make a barbed comment and then carry on talking about herself.

It's almost as if she sets herself her topics to talk about each time she comes round and seems incapable of deviating from them. Very odd.

She comes across as being in a sad place.

When her parents go, she is going to be very lost indeed.