i don't want to have sex with my husband.

[cintrouble74]

And I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. Between 2003 and 2011 I was pregnant and breastfeeding most of the time. The not wanting sex has got worse over time until it's now got to the point where he repulses me. I stopped breastfeeding well over a year ago but my hormones have not returned to how they were before leading me to believe that it's my husband I don't want to have sex with and not just not wanting sex. We last had sex on Christmas eve because I felt like I had to. He woke me up last night by touching me and trying to kiss me and I asked him to leave me alone and he squeezed me really tight and said I'm so sorry I just miss you and love you so much. I went into the bathroom and cried and when I came back he said I love you and went to sleep. I lay awake for hours feeling like the most evil wife in the world. If I could take a pill that would make me want to have sex with him again I would but I can't imagine it ever coming back on it's own and I don't know what to do. I rarely feel affectionate towards him but can happily cuddle on the rug and kiss him but full on kissing just makes me feel sick. What is wrong with me? There are other problems and I've told him on numerous occasions that if he doesn't change I'm scared I'll fall out of love with him and won't be able to do anything about it but he doesn't do anything about it. These are mainly grumpiness, not spending any time with our children, lack of motivation and enthusiasm. I have loads of examples but that's the general stuff. I have tears rolling down my face and feel utter despair but don't know if I can be helped? Just needed to get it out I suppose? Sorry!

Sometimes it's good to write it all down. Is there a reason that you're finding fault with his behaviour or has it always been like this?

I suppose it depends on whether you both want to save your marriage? Everyone has ups and downs. Spending all your years with one person and maintaining a happy relationship is hard work. It doesn't just happen.

I think some sort of counselling or psychotherapy would be a good idea. You need to sort your feelings out, and can't really talk to him because he's part of the situation. You need a supportive third party who can listen to you.

The first thing I'd say is to talk to your GP.

The second thing I'd say is to identify exactly what it is you don't want? If you knew for sure he'd not want full sex would you be happy to:

Kiss ?
Cuddle ?
Intimate touching of you ?
Intimate touching of him ?
Oral sex for you ?
Oral sex for him ?

Is it just penetrative sex you don't want?

If you can really nail down what exactly it is you don't want, then you can confide in him. Explain where you draw the line and just a agree to enjoy everything up to that point safe in the knowledge that he won't expect more. If you can be confident if that, everything else will seem so much better.

From there you can try to figure out the rest of it if you both feel the need to. It may be that both of you would be happy to play around but not need to have penetrative sex ever again?

Either way, he's your partner, talk to him. Share your fears.

I would also recommend counselling.

I have been in a similar situation and it's a circle, ie his behaviour is (usually subconciously) due to no sex and leads you to desire even less sex...and so it goes on.

Thank you for replying.
In response, I don't like full on kissing or anything sexual at all. It has got worse over time.
If I ask him why he hasn't done anything to change what makes me unhappy he says all the right things, he's sorry, he will change, he wants to make me happy. He even said he understands that he had to make me happy if he wants me to have sex with him but he never does anything, it's all talk.
I'm not sure it's a loss of libido to be honest, I can't be sure but I think I would want sex if it wasn't with him.
I'm scared of counselling as I've heard some things that they suggest you do and it just makes me cringe.having sex with someone when you don't want to is soul destroying. At the same time I can imagine how horrible it must be for him and feel very guilty.

Hi op

In brief really if he doesn't make you happy on the outside, he won't make you happy on the inside.

It sounds like you have a lot of reasons stored up and unresolved and if your beginning to lose respect and love for someone that would be more than enough reason to not want to be intimate with them.

He isn't listening to your concerns so in your part your not addressing his which is sex, which is understandable.
You may need to look at finding some common ground where you can be listened too, because your body is doing all the talking at the moment, and it's the only language he is noticing, it's saying no.

Happy go lucky girl, I think he's always been hit he is but it didn't matter so much when we were younger, didn't have the children, weren't thinking about the future (pensions etc)

Guilty, that makes a lot of sense, I don't really know how to address it though. If you do a, b and c I'll have sex with you (don't mean to be glib) might not work as I can't guarantee I'll want to.
It really shocks me that I can tell him I've considered divorce, don't think he's a good enough dad and I'm scared of falling out of love with him and he reacts with all the right words but does nothing at all to back then up.

I think your first thought is correct. It's him. He's grumpy, lazy and doesn't want to participate with the family. You've asked him to shape up and he hasn't. I don't see any big mystery, I'm afraid.

You don't like him enough to relax around him sexually but, in your mind, things don't seem bad enough to end it.

I think it's pretty common, when children come along and extra responsibility with it, that you become less tolerant of miserable behaviour than maybe you were in the past.

cintrouble... I'm so sorry that you're upset. From your post:
"...There are other problems and I've told him on numerous occasions that if he doesn't change I'm scared I'll fall out of love with him and won't be able to do anything about it but he doesn't do anything about it."

Whatever these problems are, individually or combined, they're the block, I think. For women - or for me anyway - sex and my ability to want to have it, is all in the head. If I'm annoyed or sad about something, it's like an 'off switch' and nothing short of resolving whatever it is will get me 'in the mood' again.

Does your husband ever accept what you say when you tell him that he needs to change? Does he ever take steps to do that?

Your husband's response, as you've posted, was quite sensitive; I'm wondering if it's always been so sensitive or whether his behaviour about your sex drive has contributed to the way you're feeling now? Can you speak to somebody? A trusted friend who will listen and not judge? You need to speak to somebody and I hope that posting about it will show you at least that you're not on your own in the way you feel.

Cross posted with you, OP but, is there somebody else who has perhaps shown you that there is a problem with your husband and the way you feel about him, rather than with your sex drive, that has taken an interest in you?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.
Do you think it's possible then that if we can sort out 'my' issues with his behaviour that I'll want to have sex with him again? I just can't imagine it right now.
He is a lovely man, caring and loving and isn't mean at all about my lack of interest in sex, just sad. It's all the day to day stuff he isn't so good at xx

Lying witch, I'm not 100% sure what you mean but no one else really knows, I moan to my mum about him regularly but always have! No one else has pointed his behaviour out to me but if I moan about him to my mum or sister they will say they have noticed his lack of enthusiasm but I haven't told them about not wanting sex because they wouldn't be able to help.

Do you actually still love him? It sounds like you have emotionally checked out of this relationship.

LyingWitch is asking if you've met someone else that makes your DH look a bit rubbish by comparison. An 'OM' if you will....

Casmama, it's really hard to tell if I still love him.I guess looking for help and spending the whole day crying due to his reaction when I didn't want sex would suggest I still care?

No I haven't met anyone else. I guess I compare him to an ex in my head a lot but only since this started, that want the cause of it.

Crying may also mean you realise there's not much hope. If you know you can't fix things & believe a split is increasingly likely then it's the sadness of confronting reality.

I'm not at all suggesting that you have an 'OM' lined up, OP, but yet, Cogito makes the point about comparison and that is what I was asking. It's natural to compare. I compare my husband's 'lesser behaviours' with those that I don't 'see' in other men that I know. It doesn't make me love him less, I just wish sometimes that he didn't have those particular foibles.

Apologies if I was insensitive, I really didn't think for a minute that you had somebody else waiting in the wings.

I think it is normal to not feel like sex if you feel generally unsupported by your husband.

If he is not a good partner (ie taking on his share in every department), you don't feel loving and fun, and you have to get to feeling like that before you can even think about sex, imo.

I often joke to DH that him doing the washing up is our "foreplay", as after a day where we have both been busy, if he just goes and plays on his computer whilst I do washing up/kids bath etc. fisters a sense of resentment.

I can't fancy someone I feel slightly resentful towards.

After every child, job change or house move, we have had to find our balance again.

Seems like you have lost yours?

You need to work with him on finding the give-take balance. Right now you may feel you "give" more than him.

It is not about witholding sex as a bargaining tool, it is about getting back on track as a couple, rediscover the love and fun!

All I can say is that I could almost have written your post. I say almost because my DH has addressed some of the things that probably contributed to me feeling the way I do and some things have naturally got easier as the kids have got older (aged 8, 9 and 12).

But, I still feel the same about sex and any kind of intimacy. We have sex but the idea of kissing repulses me .

I think what LyingWitch was trying to ask was is there another man who has taken an interest in you and shown you that you can be attracted to someone and shown you what you are missing in your marriage? That's what happened to me last year, I had a brief relationship with another man. Since then I find the idea of living like this for the next however many years unacceptable.

I don't know what I am going to do about it yet though, just know something has to change somehow.

You're definitely not alone on feeling this way.

Cogito, you're right, my main thought while I was crying was we're going to have to do something about this.
He's just come back from the supermarket with 12 condoms and said (without a hint of resentment) these will probably last us more than a year.
I just want him to kiss our children goodnight, arrange for us to go out sometimes, pick a job, try to sigh less often....I don't think I ask for too much.

Can I place mark slightly with some sympathy. I know there was an anti place marking thread recently but at least it's not with a dot .

I don't think you're asking for too much at all. Does he realise that he's on borrowed time?